To give DS a 'mental health' day off school?

[beethebee]

My DS11 started secondary in September. He's doing fairly well despite a packed schedule and the teachers saying that his class is pretty tough to manage. He likes his teachers and they seem to like him.

He never really gets ill and hasn't had a sick day in years, but this week he's asked if he could have a day off on Thursday. He's not pretending to be ill or anything, just says he's feeling a bit tired and meh about school and wants a day to 'get himself together'. He doesn't have any tests or work due on Thursday.

I thought the way he approached it (not trying to fake anything) was pretty mature and I'm inclined to say ok and let him stay at home on Thursday on the understanding that it's a total one-off.

AIBU?

'Well he has sports on Saturday too, and Sunday we're usually busy with friends so he gets days off school but not exactly relaxing doing nothing days, usually.'
Well then, if he really needs it he can have a day off from his Saturday sports to chill out. But I'm guessing he wouldn't want to do that, strangely :) Because it'd be time out from stuff he enjoys.

He can't learn/be allowed to think that if we don't enjoy something, esp school, we can always just skive off.

I'd be all for a mental health day if there was something wrong with his mental health, but everyone feels 'meh' about school sometimes. School was 12 years of worse than 'meh' for me, that's why at the end I used to skive, sometimes staying at home saying I was tired etc, other times going for a walk instead. But my parents didn't particularly encourage me/let me off!

Is this the work ethic you want him to have? His approach to school (which you are instilling in him) is what will decide his approach to work in later life. You would want him to succeed, wouldn't you?

Down time during a school week is unacceptable. You need to think about why he’s asking for it. I gather that much of his down time is taken up with activities. Why so many? You mentioned giving him some time off from activities and replacing them with jobs around the home. That’s still not downtime.,
It sounds like he’s tired from school, homework and too many after school activities. Give him time to let him be , without a call on his time.

'Put your child first, the school doesn't have his best interests at heart like you do.'

Hmm.

'Even if he's avoiding something on Thursday I would still allow him to avoid it.

'I think if you treat children with respect (eg if you wanted to avoid something you'd be at liberty to) then it builds a greater relationship esp. as going into teen years.'

How many of us would avoid most of life if we let ourselves? Avoidance is all too easy!

Giving in to whatever a kid wants might mean someone having a greater 'friend' relationship with their child, but parents aren't there to do that, they're there to show them how to approach life.

I am confused, you were considering letting him have a day of school, but now you wont let him chill out if he takes Saturday off sports?

If he needs a day off the weekend is the correct choice, why are you making him come with you for chores? If he is missing a club he loves that suggests to me he does need a break, and if you were considering a day off school it sounds like you agree.

Give him Saturday off, fit your chores in else where or at least make them late in the afternoon for an hour or so if you cant leave him in alone.

He's just had half term. Even my school hating ds hasn't moaned he has to go to school yet this week.
Specifically missing Thursdays sounds he has a reason. Wonder if he has a detention or something he want to tell you.

Well he has sports on Saturday too, and Sunday we're usually busy with friends so he gets days off school but not exactly relaxing doing nothing days, usually
This really sticks out for me. I think a lot of parents try to pack so much in to the weekends that their dc don’t get chance to just ‘be’. They are rushed from one thing to another without having the chance to just sit and play or Potter around at home. Instead of seeing friends this weekend why can’t you and your son spend the day at home and chill?
If my ds asked me the same thing, I would say he could either have Wednesday off or not at all. If he is tired enough to need a day off school, he is too tired to do extra sport.

Missing one day of school is not a big deal

You would be happy then for your child's teachers to take a random day off for no good reason then?

He's trying it on, give one day then it will be two next time and so on, whatever label is put on it to make it sound OK! If he's tired etc etc then maybe he could miss his sports and have a quiet weekend.

justgivemewine
I know what you mean

Anyone who has spent any time around students with mental health issues would be irritated by duvet days masquerading as mental health days.

There's chronic underfunding of CAMHS, not enough support services, children in really bad ways, schools filling the gaps, and parents battling a really fragmented and ineffective system trying to get their kids healthy and happy and in a place they can thrive...
... Meanwhile there's others who think that being a bit meh about going to school and feeling tired means they need to bunk off and claim it's mental health.
🙄

It reminds me of the recent thread about why so many children/teens apparently have anxiety. For those who really are suffering and struggling, there's others who get mollycoddled and given days to bunk off if they're a bit tired and the parents claim it's mental health. And then we wonder why it's hard for people who really do need sympathy and support to get it.

Sorry, I got ranting but I can't stand seeing some parents struggle with real issues only for said issues to be misappropriated to non issues for effect

Although you say sports is equally important, your attitude towards them both seem to say otherwise. Your attitude seems to be more focused on the sport.
Why would it be ok to take a whole day off academics to relax but if he chooses to take a morning off training he must do chores? It's like there is a punishment for ditching sport but a payoff for ditching school.
Someone who really needs time to 'get himself together' would not be able to pick an choose a time to suit.

He is 11. Don't get too ahead of yourself with the sports as a career just yet and cover him (and you) in premature glory and an attitude to match. If you are going to overload him extra curricularly how will you deal with this in future?

If he was feeling that 'meh' then he would want tomorrow off or a day asap. He wouldn't care what day.
He's picked Thursday for a reason. Find out why.
Secondly.. don't jam pack every sunday full of seeing friends and family. I can't even deal with that as an adult. We all need time out. Make that time out at the weekend when its there rather than miss his education.

Things will only get harder at school..

Had he had a day off before, OP? Secondary schools are pretty hardcore on days off, also what excuse would you be giving the school? They tend to do "back to school" sessions which stress the importance of only being off if you're very ill (him being off one random day and fine Friday would make him a candidate for this type of meeting...). He'd also have to catch up on work. Is it hardly worth it? He's just had half term.

Mental health is important but he can't just take days off here and there when he's clearly not under any mental duress.

My pet peeve is when people can’t be arsed going to work and calling it a “mental health day”. Stop trivialising mental health. When I was in the midst of a mental health crisis and couldn’t leave bed, wanted to die, wasn’t even brushing my teeth then that was me unwell enough to go to work.
If you wake up in the morning and can’t be arsed then at least acknowledge that rather than pretending it’s for the sake of your mental health.

My nephew had a day off to get his head together... not done a full day at school since. IMO school is not optional like work... unless your Ill (including MH) you go in... and you can’t schedule sick days to when it suits you

Fucking hell .. again with this bull shit!
You cannot covet mental health !
If someone needs time to get their head together or whatever for a day or a few weeks ,it does not give anyone the right to tell them it’s disrespectful because you don’t think it’s serious enough and your kid has ‘real’ mental health issues !
Coming from someone very recently diagnosed (just last week ) after years of pretending I was ok ,having people saying no one else can feel like that can just fuck right off, it’s getting to be a pathetic joke

Pander to this now and you will regret it.

Cut back on the extra curricular stuff if he's tired but school is not optional. And for gods sake don't frame it as a mental health day, you'll never hear the end of it.

I would. He is being honest rather than pretending to have something wrong on the day, which I would respect. I would be concerned about what the underlying cause for the need for the day off is, and maybe he will only open up when he feels safe that the two of you have that time and space.

Apologies, I haven’t read the last 3 or 4 pages of the thread so sorry if someone else has mentioned this, but...

OP yes good idea to scale back Saturday but why on earth does he need to help you with chores instead. He’s 11. I’m all for kids helping around the house but let him have a lay in this Saturday, lazy lunch, then go for a walk or cinema, or a pizza or something, and just chat to him with no strings.

Me and DH both work FT and ours are 15, 13 and 11. They work pretty hard at school and do some sports, they really need some downtime too and it recharges them. Very few sick days apart from DS1 braces adjustments!

I’m probably biased with this view though because as an introvert I crave time just pottering after busy and social occasions.

This just sounds fishy.

@IndianaMoleWoman - what day do you recomend? I mean REALLY - what a pointless question.
A mental health day sounds fine, we all need them and your son has been very open and grown up about it.

There was a thread on here the other day about the CEO of a charity who needed to get her head around things on the first day back at work after leave, refused to read her emails that first day. She would take leave right before an important deadline. Would take TOIL for all hours of ‘overtime’ (a CEO!).

I fear this is how one gets to be like this. It’s about priorities, and your DS needs to learn that at his age school is #1. If something had to give, it’s social life and extra-curricular.

I find I need a mental health day off work too sometimes

I’m intrigued by these mental health days. Do people who take MH days off work book an annual leave day or do they tell their employer they’re sick thereby saving their A/L but still getting paid?

I am intrigued too. At my place of work whenever you have time off sick you have to have a return to work interview. Three instances of sickness, another interview etc.

Having a duvet day would not go down well.

Fuck off Fizzy with your inverted commas ‘real’. Is attempting suicide several times ‘real’ enough for you. And No ones saying people can’t feel like that or like you do, But like I said before a real mh issue/problem isn’t going to be cured by taking some random day off, it would be a temporary relief at best, in this case funnily enough a very specific day.

I would be grateful that he's talking to you rather than faking being ill , expectations should be set though, if you let him stay at home sometimes we all need a day to right ourselves, I'd maybe dig a little and make sure nothing else is going on x

Instead of Saturday why don't you take Sunday off. No friends or relatives. Just you are your family. Surely that's more reasonable. You don't have to meet other people on weekends.