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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU not to let MIL bring her puppy to my house

150 replies

Yellowcar107 · 05/11/2019 15:39

Hi,

My in-laws insisted that we do Christmas day with them this year so we agreed but said Christmas at my house as her other dog bit my 3 year old on our last visit to their house so now they see us at ours because 3 year old is now terrified of dogs in general now.

She has since got a new puppy a miniature poodle breed and won't go anywhere without it. So much so she hasn't come up since and we have said she can come up as long as the dog stays in a pen or cage. She then said the puppy had broken the pen and it 'will just stay on my lap'. My partner and I both knew that wouldn't happen so we said she couldn't come without a cage or pen for the puppy.

Now she is saying that I am being unreasonable and that she won't come and see us 'ever'. Am I being unreasonable? I don't have pets, don't want pets, and have 3 year old terrified and a 10 month old.

She has turned it a battle wills and I feel like I have already compromised by letting her bring the puppy at all in a pen/cage.

Any advice? Anyone else had this?

Thanks!

OP posts:

Original poster

Yellowcar107 · 06/11/2019 14:16

Hey guys heres an update.

I sent the message like some of you suggested about make my position clear that I did indeed want to see her and didn't mind if the dog came contained to a Pen or Large Cage to play in.

She didn't reply, she forwarded the message to DH saying 'that's shitty'.

I have been made the villain somehow of course as 'I am being unreasonable'.

She has declared she isn't coming for Christmas, not sure to cry or jump for joy 🤷‍♀️

Don't know how we will recover from this between me and MIL.

OP posts:

Alsohuman · 06/11/2019 14:21

Well, to be fair, that was her only option @Yellowcar107. It would be cruel to crate her puppy all day as would leaving it at home. She wasn’t left with much choice. That doesn’t mean I think you’re wrong or the bad guy either, by the way.

Penners99 · 06/11/2019 14:22

Don't cry, be very happy!

Original poster

Yellowcar107 · 06/11/2019 14:30

Hey @Alsohuman

I don't think a crate is a good idea and never have said anything about one.

I thought a Large Cage or pen so it can play in and be seen and communication can happen. Just so it is contained and can't run wild around the house, my 3 year old and the baby.

I believed I was being reasonable with her but obviously not 🤷‍♀️

OP posts:

PrettyPurse · 06/11/2019 14:36

So is your DH supporting you or her?

Alsohuman · 06/11/2019 14:39

A crate is a cage. I know you think you were being reasonable but you’ve obviously never had a puppy. Don’t worry about Mil, she’ll get over it. And seriously, please try and find someone with an older, child friendly dog to help with your child’s phobia.

Jokie · 06/11/2019 15:04

Be clear and factual and she can't say you're unreasonable.

Did your DH respond to her at all? I'd hope it would be: you've got a choice as my wife has said.

aweedropofsancerre · 06/11/2019 15:36

So did your DH respond to his mother or as with a lot of men he simply showed you and said nothing as he can’t bare to be seen as the villain?

HairyDogsOfThigh · 06/11/2019 16:19

If you had a reasonable relationship with her before this, would it be worth asking her how she sees the day panning out, if she brought the puppy? I know she's said it would stay on her lap, but surely even she could see this would be impossible. Keep pushing her for an answer to questions such as what will you do mil if the puppy tries to get off your lap? Does the puppy spend all day on your lap now? Could you try keeping it on your lap for a day as a trial run first? Would we have a back up plan if ds was scared and it was ruining his Christmas?
I'm not sure that there is a win win with this situation, at the end of the day, your mil has a puppy that cannot be left and a gs who is scared of dogs. Ask your mil what she would have done in your position.
Otherwise, shrug it off and know that you've put ds first (as you should do).
Finally, is there anyone that your mil knows that could have the dog for a day?

IWantADifferentName · 06/11/2019 21:39

Yellowcar, problem solved. I think you should do your happy dance now and see this as re-establishing boundaries (marking your territory?) with MIL.

Chocmallows · 06/11/2019 21:42

Yay, you can have a lovely stress free Christmas, try the glass is half full approach...

Puzzledandpissedoff · 06/11/2019 23:03

she forwarded the message to DH saying 'that's shitty'

Hmmm ... quite the little stirrer, isn't she?

StoneofDestiny · 06/11/2019 23:10

No way would I have dogs or cats in my home.

stayathomer · 07/11/2019 01:48

OP for your update: you are still not being unreasonable, in fact y o u can totally tell you're a reasonable person. As someone said above you're all in a bit of an impossible situation in that she wants her dog there and your child is afraid of dogs. Her message to your dh was unreasonable. If you can't come back from this that's not your fault, you have a suggestion that involved her dog coming. The reasonable thing for her to do as a next move was to say either she'd stay at home or find someone to mind the dog. I'm also intrigued as to what your dh thinks. And this was all inevitable, I know two people whose only issues with their in laws are trying to keep kids safe from dogs and we have our own issues with that too. It's people trying to protect their own, they want their dogs to be there all the time, the parents are pretty sure they can't be. Hope you're ok (y o u sound closer to the cry than laugh scenario)

CheeryB · 07/11/2019 01:58

No way would I have dogs or cats in my home

Nor me. OP you are not being in the least unreasonable.
Your mil is.

Sciurus83 · 07/11/2019 03:38

And your husband has allowed his stirring selfish mother to work herself in between you and sew disharmony in your marriage because you want to protect your daughter from being terrified in her own home on Christmas day? There is no making you out to be the bad guy here, I hope you do not let him get away with treating you with this little respect. This would cause a very serious argument in my house and I would expect him to deal with her and back you up in no uncertain terms.

RebootYourEngine · 07/11/2019 04:20

What was your DHs response to that?

Mamabear144 · 07/11/2019 06:29

Your house, your rules. What does she do if she has to go shopping or out somewhere, she must leave the puppy at some point and it sounds like shes just being demanding and dramatic

RibenaMonsoon · 07/11/2019 06:37

I don't understand why you are getting some of these responses.

MIL has to share some responsibility that her pets are the reason your DC has the dog fear in the first place.
If that had happened with my MIL she would have been mortified to think that her dog had caused any harm to her grandchild and made every effort to make sure that not only were the children never at risk again but had help getting over that fear.

She certainly wouldn't accuse me of being shitty for wanting to protect my children.

Carry on as you are, your children are more important than her feelings. There's more than just two outcomes here. Can she see if any of her friends or neighbors could look after the puppy while she's having Christmas with you?

Ginfordinner · 07/11/2019 06:48

Why isn't your DH supporting you?
How far away does your MIL live?

jackstini · 07/11/2019 06:55

Has your partner sent a message back saying 'no Mum, you putting your dogs above your grandchildren is shitty' ?

He needs to support you in this!

Alsohuman · 07/11/2019 16:21

What does she do if she has to go shopping or out somewhere, she must leave the puppy at some point and it sounds like shes just being demanding and dramatic

You don’t leave a puppy all day to go shopping. The fact is that a small dog phobic child and a very young puppy aren’t compatible. If I was Mil it would have been perfectly obvious to me that I’d have to stay at home for Christmas.

crosstalk · 07/11/2019 17:04

OP another one asking what your DH says to his mother's rudeness in not coming back to you directly AND forwarding your message to him. Show him this thread and ask him to respond to her.

PrettyPurse · 09/11/2019 08:09

@Yellowcar107 how are things?

spanglydangly · 09/11/2019 08:13

What is wrong with some people, her dog has bitten your child and terrified them. She then wants to force another dog on you? No!

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