Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU not to let MIL bring her puppy to my house

150 replies

Yellowcar107 · 05/11/2019 15:39

Hi,

My in-laws insisted that we do Christmas day with them this year so we agreed but said Christmas at my house as her other dog bit my 3 year old on our last visit to their house so now they see us at ours because 3 year old is now terrified of dogs in general now.

She has since got a new puppy a miniature poodle breed and won't go anywhere without it. So much so she hasn't come up since and we have said she can come up as long as the dog stays in a pen or cage. She then said the puppy had broken the pen and it 'will just stay on my lap'. My partner and I both knew that wouldn't happen so we said she couldn't come without a cage or pen for the puppy.

Now she is saying that I am being unreasonable and that she won't come and see us 'ever'. Am I being unreasonable? I don't have pets, don't want pets, and have 3 year old terrified and a 10 month old.

She has turned it a battle wills and I feel like I have already compromised by letting her bring the puppy at all in a pen/cage.

Any advice? Anyone else had this?

Thanks!

OP posts:
TwoPupsandaHamster · 06/11/2019 01:48

Whyamidoingthis. I said OP and her MIL were NBU because neither of them are. OP doesn't want the puppy in her house because her DC is scared of dogs and I said a young child who is scared of dogs and puppies don't mix.
MIL is NBU by not wanting to leave her young puppy at home for any length of time. And she's right. Puppies shouldn't be left for any length of time. I didn't mention MIL keeping pup on her lap. You did! 🤷‍♀️

whyamidoingthis · 06/11/2019 07:56

@TwoPupsandaHamster - you said mil is not unreasonable. Mil is absolutely being unreasonable. Not because she doesn't want to leave the puppy alone but for the way in which she is going about it and trying to impose her will on the op.

I did not suggest she leave the puppy on her lap, I did not suggest you mentioned that either. I used her suggesting that as an example of why she is unreasonable. That was pretty obvious in my post but for some reason you seem determined to misread it

Roselilly36 · 06/11/2019 07:58

No way, just say no OP.

Jokie · 06/11/2019 08:25

We've had to do similar with my PIL and their yappy dog who's bitten all of us over the past 4 years. He either goes outside and stays outside or doesn't come at all.

@Yellowcar107: have you heard back from your MIL?

TwoPupsandaHamster · 06/11/2019 08:54

I did not suggest she leave the puppy on her lap, I did not suggest you mentioned that either. I used her suggesting that as an example of why she is unreasonable

The OP had already addressed the Dog on lap thing and said "No". It was no longer an issue for discussion.

The MIL is not unreasonable for not wanting to leave her very young puppy at home.

Text from OP -

She then said the puppy had broken the pen and it 'will just stay on my lap'. My partner and I both knew that wouldn't happen so we said she couldn't come without a cage or pen for the puppy

dontknowdontknow · 06/11/2019 08:57

We don't tend to go anywhere over Xmas because we have dogs and I wouldn't expect anyone to have us! She's being very selfish not least because puppies and very young children aren't a great combination and you won't be able to relax, it would probably be fine but if your child is anxious around dogs you shouldn't have to even explain or apologise. As someone else said stick to your guns.

nowayhose · 06/11/2019 09:04

I am a total and utter dog lover and adore mine, BUT, it's your house and your rules !

Your DC is already afraid and that would certainly get a lot worse with an excited puppy running and jumping all over the house :(

Get your DH to tell his mother that she is most welcome to come over for Xmas lunch and prezzies, but that she MUST leave the pets at home. He can add that he's quite sure the dog(s) will be absolutely fine for 3-4 hours alone at her house ( and it means she'll be in more of a rush to leave after lunch etc :) win/ win in my book ! :) )

NearlyGranny · 06/11/2019 09:16

If, despite everything, your Mil turns up with puppy on the day, insist it is left in her car. She can easily pop in and out to toilet and reassure it every half hour. If she says she doesn't want it messing/chewing/barking in her car, tell her those are the same reasons you don't want it in your house., plus your children's safety and happiness.

If she loves the puppy more than her DGC, she'll go straight home with it.

havingtochangeusernameagain · 06/11/2019 09:22

Wouldn’t a gentle introduction to a small cute puppy be a good way for you to work together on addressing your 3 year old’s fear

No, and some people just don't like dogs, it's just not about being scared of them. There's no law that says you have to tolerate peoples' pets in your home. If you visit them, that's different, though it would be nice if they shut them in another room, but if it's longer than a short visit you can't really go.

But if someone visits me, definitely no pets (a guinea pig would be ok).

I can't understand why people finally offload their kids and immediately restrict their lives again by tying themselves to a pet that apparently has to go everywhere with them. Do people just need to be needed?

nobodyreallycares · 06/11/2019 09:22

My MIL is like this I don't like dogs or animals because of the hair they leave everywhere I have eczema so it really makes it flare up! My MIL doesn't seem to give a shit and still brings her dog sometimes and it's rubbing its hair all over my sofa and carpet it makes me feel ill I've asked her not to bring it but still does. MIL's who the fek wants themGrin

ginghamstarfish · 06/11/2019 09:25

I cannot believe that some people put their dog before actual human beings, especially when that means their grandchildren or other relatives. Mind boggled.

whyamidoingthis · 06/11/2019 09:41

@TwoPupsandaHamster - The MIL is not unreasonable for not wanting to leave her very young puppy at home.

And I never said she was unreasonable for that. She is, however, very unreasonable for her handling of the situation, including the suggestion the dog could sit on her lap. The suggestion is indicative of an attitude that suggests she doesn't care about what the op wants and that she has no intention of ensuring the dog is not a problem.

TwoPupsandaHamster · 06/11/2019 10:10

Whyamidoingthis

What part of a young puppy cannot be left at home or confined to a crate all day don't you understand?

What do you think the MIL should do under the circumstances?

It has been suggested by many people, including myself, that MIL stays home with the pup. OP gets on with Christmas with her family.

Then posters come up with, "How can GP's put a dog before her GC? What exactly do they suggest the MIL does? MIL is never going to win is she? She is NBU by not wanting to leave a very young pup on its own or crated for a day. In fact the crate can be taken out of the equation. The pup cannot just be crated if it hasn't been crate trained and even if it has it would be cruel to lock him in for hours. For a start it needs to toilet every 30 mins. Have you ever heard the unbearable noise a puppy makes when it is distressed? Hardly a great introduction between distressed puppy and dog scared dc.

The choices MIL has are

  1. Stay at home. That's it!

OP, understandably, doesn't want bitey, piddling pup around her DC. MIL knows the dog cannot be crated or left alone. OP has made it clear pup is not welcome unless it's crated. It's an impossible task with no solution that's good for both parties.

I'm sure OP won't mind if MIL stays home for Christmas. I'm sure dc will get presents from grandma somehow - even if daddy calls in to pick presents up and wish his parents a Merry Christmas 🍷

koshkat · 06/11/2019 10:12

I agree 100% TwoPups.

koshkat · 06/11/2019 10:14

I cannot believe that some people put their dog before actual human beings, especially when that means their grandchildren or other relatives. Mind boggled.

I prefer my dogs to quite a few members of my family tbh. I do not see anything mind bogglingly weird about this at all.

FeedThemFlumps · 06/11/2019 10:20

@twopupsandahamster has this absolutely on the nose.

The MIL has committed to an animal that cannot be left.

The OP does not want the animal at her house (her prerogative).

Therefore the MIL must either find someone to stay with the pup on Christmas Day (unlikely) or stay home herself.

whyamidoingthis · 06/11/2019 10:33

@TwoPupsandaHamster What part of a young puppy cannot be left at home or confined to a crate all day don't you understand?

I have absolutely no difficulty understanding this. I agree the dog can't be left or crated for the day. I think the mill's only choice is to stay at home.

However, the mil's attitude is massively unreasonable. She is coming up with nonsense about a broken crate, putting the dog on her lap, never seeing the op and family again etc. If she had simply said she couldn't leave the pup and as op isn't happy with the pup being there, she would stay at home and see them another day, that would have been fine. She didn't do that. She made a major drama where there was no need for one. For that behaviour, she is unreasonable. What part of that do you have difficulty understanding?

DawnOfTheDeadleg · 06/11/2019 10:43

The MIL in these circumstances should stop coming out with obvious shite like the puppy will stay on my lap all day, and accept that the consequence of her decision is that she isn't going to be able to come for Christmas.

TwoPupsandaHamster · 06/11/2019 10:48

WhyamIdoingthis
MIL probably tried to make a rash decision of how best to spend Christmas with her family. Given that OP has now made it clear that puppy is not welcome I'm sure MIL will make the decision to stay at home. She has no choice.

FeedTheFlumps. Thank you! It's mind blowing how some people think they can just throw a puppy in a crate for the day without consequences!

I agree. Give me dogs before unreasonable people any day. We all try to do what's best for everyone. Sometimes we have to conclude this is not always possible. As the saying goes, 'You can please some of the people some of the time. You can't please all of the people all of the time'.

Mil' s can't win whatever they do!

whyamidoingthis · 06/11/2019 11:04

Mil' s can't win whatever they do!

A simple "that's fine. I'll stay at home with the dog and see you another time" would have sufficed and we would probably not have seen a post about the issue and if we had, I for one would be saying mil was perfectly reasonable and op unreasonable to expect anything else.

Alsohuman · 06/11/2019 11:49

I can't understand why people finally offload their kids and immediately restrict their lives again by tying themselves to a pet that apparently has to go everywhere with them.

Because our animals bring a huge amount of joy into our lives, keep us mentally and physically active, entertain us and love us. We found ourselves with no animals in the house for the first time in 21 years in June. It was unbearable. Our new15 week puppy has made our house a home again.

stayathomer · 06/11/2019 11:57

A kennels or friends house is a much better alternative to a crate, it'll be hours surely? You will have to just say no if it's going to have you all on edge on Christmas day, it wouldn't be fair on the puppy either

TwoPupsandaHamster · 06/11/2019 12:32

A simple "that's fine. I'll stay at home with the dog and see you another time" would have sufficed

Yes. And the reply should have been, "Fine. Have a lovely Christmas. If you change your mind we'll see you in the New Year".

koshkat · 06/11/2019 12:35

Because our animals bring a huge amount of joy into our lives, keep us mentally and physically active, entertain us and love us. We found ourselves with no animals in the house for the first time in 21 years in June. It was unbearable. Our new15 week puppy has made our house a home again.

I could not agree more. Some people will never understand this though and think that everyone is the same as them. Having no empathy is a real problem for some.

whyamidoingthis · 06/11/2019 12:59

Yes. And the reply should have been, "Fine. Have a lovely Christmas. If you change your mind we'll see you in the New Year".

And in those circumstances, nobody would have been unreasonable, unlike the situation as presented by the op.