AIBU not to let MIL bring her puppy to my house

[Yellowcar107]

Hi,

My in-laws insisted that we do Christmas day with them this year so we agreed but said Christmas at my house as her other dog bit my 3 year old on our last visit to their house so now they see us at ours because 3 year old is now terrified of dogs in general now.

She has since got a new puppy a miniature poodle breed and won't go anywhere without it. So much so she hasn't come up since and we have said she can come up as long as the dog stays in a pen or cage. She then said the puppy had broken the pen and it 'will just stay on my lap'. My partner and I both knew that wouldn't happen so we said she couldn't come without a cage or pen for the puppy.

Now she is saying that I am being unreasonable and that she won't come and see us 'ever'. Am I being unreasonable? I don't have pets, don't want pets, and have 3 year old terrified and a 10 month old.

She has turned it a battle wills and I feel like I have already compromised by letting her bring the puppy at all in a pen/cage.

Any advice? Anyone else had this?

Thanks!

Say "Oh well. Maybe next year?" Then move on.

You were kind suggesting the crate option IMO.

she's saying that I am being unreasonable and that she won't come and see us 'ever'

To which the obvious answer is "We're really sorry to hear that, but of course it's your choice to make"

No need to argue, reason or even engage at all; just calmly stick by what you've (rightly) said and leave her to get over her silliness

Sounds fine in theory but small, cute puppies are generally yappy, bitey and jumpy, which makes them exactly the wrong way to go about this. A mature, sedate, well-trained dog is the way to go about this

WhyamI is exactly right. Puppies have teeth like needless and like small babies explore the world with their mouths. They will nip, and chew fingers, and may jump up and snap at faces. They don't have full bite inhibition which stops them from hurting. They get over-excited and bitey, and if they are hurt may respond by snapping. Small breeds in particular can be prone to this even as adults. They are also very fragile - a very small breed puppy is easily they trodden or sat on. And they wee and poo all over.

Bringing a puppy into a house at Christmas, when everyone is over-excited and children are going bananas, and there is a lot of food about/getting dropped etc is a particularly bad idea. Bad for the child and bad for the dog.

To give children confidence with dogs, you need an elderly dog of a large gentle breed (golden retrievers are excellent!) which will be tolerant of loud excited shrieks, won't jump up or nip and will be tolerant of accidental over-excessive hugs. Even then you NEVER leave them alone together.

Yellow - Your MIL is being unreasonable. Tell her no - for your DD's sake and the puppy's (if the puppy eats chocolate for instance, it could die). If she insists on bringing it, don't let her in (seriously) - you will be on tenterhooks the entire time.

And I speak as a dog-lover. We have four and I would not inflict them on other people. They're our dogs, our responsibility, and if we are asked not to take them anywhere, then we don't.

*needles, not needless

Bringing non-service animals into another persons home is just rude. Bringing a dog into the home of a young child who was previously but is just cruel.

Say no. Tell her to hire a dog sitter if her puppy can’t be alone. Or meet somewhere neutral, not at either house.

I have dogs. Love the blighters. Wouldn't take them anywhere they weren't expressly invited to, and very unlikely to go without their pens as they're all big buggers and whilst reasonably well trained I'd want somewhere safe for them to chill.

So no, you're not being unreasonable, she is.

Your compromise sounds fair probably to generous .No cage no Christmas invite .and I have a much adored dog but I love my grandaughters more

I'm a MiL and a DGM and I shocked that your MiL would put her dog before spending Christmas with DGC and family......

Don't trust her, even if she brings the 'crate' (cage).

She. Will. Have. It. Out.

Guaranteed.

Take her at her word. Go fimyrtger and declare your house a dog-free zone, permanently. No argument. No discussion. The children's welfare, comfort and happiness comes first. It's their home.

Further! Go further. Autocorrect, what are you even for?!

You have to say no.
You compromised already by offering they the use a pen in order to contain the puppy. She pushed right back, replaced one dog with a new dog then pushed back on no pen. If she can get one dog in your house then you can bet she’ll push for both.

You can NOT further compromise at the cost of your child’s safety/peace of mind.

Send a nice message .
“Hi Mil,
Thanks for letting us know your puppy can break out of its pen. Obviously it no longer works for us to have either of your dogs in our home now we know that one bites and the other can’t be safely contained. Let’s catch up in the new year once you’ve had a chance to get the dogs some training, AND sourced a dog sitter,

Sorry Christmas is off the table but we understand you don’t want to be separated from your pup, and we’re sure you understand we want our kids to have a happy, relaxin g Christmas . “

@Chottie

I'm a MiL and a DGM and I shocked that your MiL would put her dog before spending Christmas with DGC and family......

Unbelievable isn't it? Putting a dog before your own grandchildren on Christmas. It tells you all you need to know about this woman, honestly.

She's testing your boundaries. Present a united front. She can be with all of you in your house or with her dog: not both. Her decision.

Hi everyone,

Thank you so much for your responses, I was feeling like I was being unreasonable. But thank you I no longer feel like I am, I have already compromised enough allowing the Pen/Cage in my home.

I have now messaged her to let her know our boundaries on this. Let's see how this pans out.... 🤷‍♀️ I know partner will not be clear enough and will be a push over to his mum.

Now she is saying that I am being unreasonable and that she won't come and see us 'ever'.

The correct answer to this is 'Okay, that's fine.'

Good for you for setting boundaries on this.

Crates are dreadful things in any case which are used inappropriately by many people and normalise the caging of dogs. Used appropriately they can be a good thing but I have never used one for any of my dogs and never will.
Tell her thanks but you will see her another time when her dog is old enough to be safely left alone for a few hours.

Your daughter is afraid of dogs and your MIL wants to bring her dog to your house on Christmas day? Just NO.

Crates are absolutely fine if used properly. Using one in the car means our puppy is happy rather than distressed and crying and she bounds into it at bed time. It’s her safe space. It would be beyond cruel to keep her locked in it all day.

Best for everyone if your Mil stays at home, OP. The puppy’s too little to leave all day and it’s unfair for your child to be frightened.

Agreed but it's the used properly thing (as you clearly do) that is so often abused. I am not a fan but can see that they have their place. Just not for me or my dogs.

If she puts her dogs above her grandchildren she's best off staying at home.

she then said the puppy had broken its pen
Then it was not fit for purpose, & she can take that into account when she buys a new one.

Until she does, she can keep her passive aggressive attitude at home with the pup.

I love dogs, but would not inflict one on a 3 year old who has previously been badly frightened. Had it been my own dog who had frightened the child, I'd be fucking mortified & looking for ways to put it right.

Far from that, MiL is power-playing & asserting herself, trampling on the fears of a small child she has already seriously let down. She should be ashamed.

Were your boundaries “don’t bring the dogs” because anything else will be a constant battle of her trying to push your boundaries and get her own way ... all day.

Iwishyou so much success though. You and kids deserve a family Christmas in peace.

We wont take our kids to mil as she has a yorkshire terrier that has bitten all of us. I wasnt even looking at it once and it ran over, jumped up and bit me on my thigh! It has even hospitalised someone it bit them that hard for daring to visit! They wont do anything about it and wont even put it in another room so they can see their grandkids! So we said they can come to us whenever they just dont bring the dog, havent seen them in years and they only live 3 miles away!! I love dogs too, we have a labrador who is so gentle but everyone hates this dog of theirs and as a result they have turned on everyone who refuses to be attacked by their 'precious angel'...easy life for me anyway, as you can imagine that's not the only thing wrong with her 🙄