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AIBU?

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Original poster

AIBU not to let MIL bring her puppy to my house

150 replies

Yellowcar107 · 05/11/2019 15:39

Hi,

My in-laws insisted that we do Christmas day with them this year so we agreed but said Christmas at my house as her other dog bit my 3 year old on our last visit to their house so now they see us at ours because 3 year old is now terrified of dogs in general now.

She has since got a new puppy a miniature poodle breed and won't go anywhere without it. So much so she hasn't come up since and we have said she can come up as long as the dog stays in a pen or cage. She then said the puppy had broken the pen and it 'will just stay on my lap'. My partner and I both knew that wouldn't happen so we said she couldn't come without a cage or pen for the puppy.

Now she is saying that I am being unreasonable and that she won't come and see us 'ever'. Am I being unreasonable? I don't have pets, don't want pets, and have 3 year old terrified and a 10 month old.

She has turned it a battle wills and I feel like I have already compromised by letting her bring the puppy at all in a pen/cage.

Any advice? Anyone else had this?

Thanks!

OP posts:
TwoPupsandaHamster · 05/11/2019 19:49

Neither of you are being unreasonable.

You don't want puppy in your house. That's fair enough. A young puppy and a young child who is terrified of dogs is not a good combination.

However, a puppy shouldn't be left on its own for any length of time. Even if MIL brings a crate the puppy wont be happy being shut in and will howl the place down.

Sounds like it's best for your family to have Christmas dinner in your house and in laws stay at home this year 🎄🎅🎁🥫🍗🥂🍾

sweetiepy · 05/11/2019 20:19

“I know partner will not be clear enough and will be a push over to his mum.“

I really hope you’re partner wouldn’t give in to his dm over this? Surely his dc’s safety and happiness, especially at Christmas, is much more important to him than facilitating her over this!

HappyHammy · 05/11/2019 20:28

The puppy wont be able to sit still. It will be excited with all the people and presents. It cant sit on her lap at the dinner table. It could wee on the carpet. She either comes on her own or has xmas lunch with her doggy.

SandyY2K · 05/11/2019 20:38

If her puppy is more important than seeing her family, then so be it.

Don't give in to her and get your DP to communicate on this, otherwise she'll blame it all on you.

elf1985 · 05/11/2019 20:58

I had this exact situation. Turns out the dog was very ill and nobody realised. We visit them but the dog is in a room blocked off by a baby gate so the kids are used to him being around but there is no physical contact. The dog is absolutely not allowed at out home under any circumstances. It your mil is being a complete cow expecting your children to be in a situation in there own home where they will be frightened. It is there place of safety and nothing and nobody should be risking that feeling of security for them.

LurkingFather · 05/11/2019 20:58

Where I am living (rural Scottish Highlands) dogs who have bitten a human are taken round the corner of the house by a man with a gun and a spade. And then the man comes back with gun and spade. Without the dog.

While drastic, it sets a clear boundary and societal expectation for local dog owners to keep them well under control. I have as a rural doctor in 15 years only dealt with three dog bites. Despite dogs galore and mostly off their leads all the time.

My own dog is lovely, obedient, submissive and great with excited children, but never ever alone with a young one. Ever. And certainly not on a house of people who do not want her there.

Tell MiL to grow up.

Puzzledandpissedoff · 05/11/2019 21:07

I know partner will not be clear enough and will be a push over to his mum

I was afraid you might say that Hmm

You might now want to make sure they don't cook up a promise to bring a crate, only to turn up with some story about this one also "breaking", in the hope you won't turn them away on the day

FrenchBoule · 05/11/2019 21:13

@Lurking Father Shock

I also live in the Highlands( we might be quite far away actually) and never heard about it. Dog owners here are plentiful here and sadly so is the dog shit.

onthecoins · 05/11/2019 21:16

I love dogs, but I completely agree with you.

Nobody is allowed to bring dogs into my home because we have a cat who is terrified of them. He may only be a cat and not a child, but it's my home and his home. We do not allow dogs to visit.

MIL either makes different arrangements for the dogs or doesn't come.

Iamthewombat · 05/11/2019 21:30

Don’t be held to ransom by your MIL or your partner. She can stay at home with the bloody dog.

I once had weekend guests who brought a puppy, uninvited, to my house. With pristine cream carpets. I requested that the dog stay in the garage when it wasn’t in the garden (not as cruel as it sounds: was a really nice garage). I went out for a walk with my other guests and found the bloody dog leaping around my house with its ‘parents’ attempting to clean up a puddle from the carpet. Selfish bastards. I didn’t invite them again.

UnderperformingSeal · 05/11/2019 21:38

Absolutely put your foot down on her throat about this. Thinking ahead to future visits post-Christmas, maybe invest in a nice, strong crate of your own in case she ever "forgets" hers...

whyamidoingthis · 05/11/2019 21:45

@TwoPupsandaHamster - Neither of you are being unreasonable.

I disagree. If the mil said she couldn't come because of the puppy, then fine, neither would have been unreasonable. However, the insistence that she should be allowed bring the puppy, the nonsensical suggestion that it would stay on her lap, the disregard for her dgc's fear and the passive aggressive threats to never see them again, puts mil firmly in the unreasonable camp.

Kay1341 · 05/11/2019 21:45

However, a puppy shouldn't be left on its own for any length of time.

That's certainly not true. From the beginning puppies need to be taught to be alone as well, starting from minutes and then gradually building up. If you leave a puppy to grow up to an adult without teaching them how to behave when left home, you'll end up with a dog with separation anxiety. Come Christmas OPs Mils dog will be at least 15 weeks, and can be trained to stay home for few hours during Christmas dinner.

FeedThemFlumps · 05/11/2019 21:59

15 weeks is far too young to be left alone for an few hours'. Leaving a young dog like that for longer than it can cope with is much more likely to risk separation issues when older.

Wemake · 05/11/2019 22:06

I love dogs, I have a dog. But you’re not being unreasonable. I get that she can’t leave her dog alone all day, but a pen / crate is a good compromise.

As others have said, she won’t be able to control that puppy. They’re jumpy and nippy.

She sounds very stubborn. I’m sure she’ll find another issue for you later on... sorry OP.

Alsohuman · 05/11/2019 22:06

Our puppy is 15 weeks and no way would we leave her alone for a few hours. Quite apart from her distress, it would undo all the work we’ve put into house training. If I was Mil, I’d just stay at home.

Wemake · 05/11/2019 22:08

But yes, if I were your MIL and didn’t want to put the puppy in the pen, I’d be staying home with apologies - not huffing.

(A puppy that young shouldn’t be left alone at home for that long.)

Butchyrestingface · 05/11/2019 22:14

I’m one of those of those people who loves dogs more than people, and certainly more than children, and I say that your MiL is an idiot who should not be pandered to.

Sounds like Christmas may better with her absence anyway.

TwoPupsandaHamster · 05/11/2019 22:35

That's certainly not true. From the beginning puppies need to be taught to be alone as well, starting from minutes and then gradually building up. If you leave a puppy to grow up to an adult without teaching them how to behave when left home, you'll end up with a dog with separation anxiety. Come Christmas OPs Mils dog will be at least 15 weeks, and can be trained to stay home for few hours during Christmas dinner

The puppy is 15 weeks old. It's been with its owners for around 5 weeks. You think it's able to spend a few hours on its own? The puppy still needs to be taken out to toilet every 30 minutes to start with.... Expecting a puppy to spend hours on its own at a young age will certainly result in separation anxiety! Plus chewed furniture, floors, doors and anything else within sight.

The OP's in laws are better off spending Christmas in their own home. It's nothing at all to do with them preferring to spend time with their dog than their grandchild FFS!

TwoPupsandaHamster · 05/11/2019 22:38

I disagree. If the mil said she couldn't come because of the puppy, then fine, neither would have been unreasonable. However, the insistence that she should be allowed bring the puppy, the nonsensical suggestion that it would stay on her lap, the disregard for her dgc's fear and the passive aggressive threats to never see them again, puts mil firmly in the unreasonable camp

Umm... I never suggested the MIL should bring the puppy to sit on her lap. What planet are you on?

Littlemeadow123 · 05/11/2019 22:43

I dont blame her for not wanting to keep the puppy cooped in a cage for a long period of time on xmas day. That is cruel.

I also don't blame you for not wanting puppy there if your son is scared of dogs. While I think that you should work on helping your son to overcome his fear of dogs, making him spend all day with an excitable puppy isn't the way to go about it.

So it looks like the only options available are your MIL either finds someone willing to mind the puppy or she doesn't come to yours.

coolwalking · 05/11/2019 22:43

I agree with you.

It's a real shame that you're going to be painted as the villain by MIL instead of your partner. You shouldn't be the one having to deal with this. It's not just an MIL problem you have.

IWantADifferentName · 05/11/2019 22:54

Sometimes it is worth losing your shit and having a temper tantrum. This might be one of those times.

Key phrases to use:
Are you trying to ruin Christmas for your grandchild? Why would you do that? Why?
Poor Rover/Fido, there is no such thing as a bad dog, only crappy owners who can’t be bothered to train them.
There is no point in coming with dog for Christmas lunch because I will leave the room with my child. Then there will be no Christmas lunch for anyone.

It would be lovely to deal with everything in a calm and reasonable and rational manner but remember that there are some people that you just can’t argue with because they will drag you down to their level and then beat you with experience.

Stand firm. If you don’t, you will be bulldozed for evermore (or at least until you get divorced).

TwoPupsandaHamster · 05/11/2019 23:03

Sometimes it is worth losing your shit and having a temper tantrum. This might be one of those times.
Key phrases to use:
Are you trying to ruin Christmas for your grandchild? Why would you do that? Why?
Poor Rover/Fido, there is no such thing as a bad dog, only crappy owners who can’t be bothered to train them.
There is no point in coming with dog for Christmas lunch because I will leave the room with my child. Then there will be no Christmas lunch for anyone.
It would be lovely to deal with everything in a calm and reasonable and rational manner but remember that there are some people that you just can’t argue with because they will drag you down to their level and then beat you with experience.
Stand firm. If you don’t, you will be bulldozed for evermore (or at least until you get divorced)

Alternatively OP you spend a lovely Christmas day with your family and let MIL spend a lovely Christmas day with her family and young puppy - that cannot be left alone for hours. That way everyone is happy.

The puppy will be 15 weeks old. Nobody could train a puppy in 5 weeks - not even to hold its bladder for more than 30 mins, never mind anything else 🤷

whyamidoingthis · 05/11/2019 23:16

@TwoPupsandaHamster - I never suggested the MIL should bring the puppy to sit on her lap. What planet are you on?

I never said you did (and no need to be so rude when you obviously haven't read either my post or the op's post properly). The mil suggested she would keep the puppy on her lap.

You said neither op nor mil was unreasonable. I disagreed as the mil was making ridiculous suggestions such as keeping the puppy on her lap. That, plus the other unreasonable behaviour, makes her unreasonable.