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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU not to let MIL bring her puppy to my house

150 replies

Yellowcar107 · 05/11/2019 15:39

Hi,

My in-laws insisted that we do Christmas day with them this year so we agreed but said Christmas at my house as her other dog bit my 3 year old on our last visit to their house so now they see us at ours because 3 year old is now terrified of dogs in general now.

She has since got a new puppy a miniature poodle breed and won't go anywhere without it. So much so she hasn't come up since and we have said she can come up as long as the dog stays in a pen or cage. She then said the puppy had broken the pen and it 'will just stay on my lap'. My partner and I both knew that wouldn't happen so we said she couldn't come without a cage or pen for the puppy.

Now she is saying that I am being unreasonable and that she won't come and see us 'ever'. Am I being unreasonable? I don't have pets, don't want pets, and have 3 year old terrified and a 10 month old.

She has turned it a battle wills and I feel like I have already compromised by letting her bring the puppy at all in a pen/cage.

Any advice? Anyone else had this?

Thanks!

OP posts:
Winterdaysarehere · 05/11/2019 16:19

Remind her there will be lots of chocolate about and dpuppy can't possibly be allowed for health and safety reasons!
Your mh and mil's safety!

Lovemusic33 · 05/11/2019 16:22

My dd is scared of dogs after a rescue dog we had went for her, there’s no way I would put her through being scared in her own home on Christmas Day. Just tell her ‘no’, she can spend Christmas somewhere else.

dottiedodah · 05/11/2019 16:23

I adore all dogs big ,small ,whatever .However it seems very unfair to take an excitable pup to someones house on Christmas day ,leaving aside the issue of DS being bitten! Just say to her, puppy has to stay in cage and thats that .Otherwise meet in town for a coffee/catch up and have Christmas Day at home! Also our Dalmatian is a lovely placid girl but doesnt come out to peoples houses!

GreenFingersWouldBeHandy · 05/11/2019 16:27

Just be very polite.

'That's a shame, but I'm sure you understand that with DC now being terrified of all dogs after being bitten, that's just not an option for her at Christmas. Hope to see you in the New Year.'

No drama, just logic. (And wee bit of passive aggression!)

Stick to your guns; how rude of her.

dontalltalkatonce · 05/11/2019 16:34

Win-win! 'It's a pity you feel that way, but dogs are not welcome in our home and if you're willing to choose your dogs over a relationship with your grandchildren, so be it.' Your DH needs to tell her where to stick it if she's accusing YOU of being the source of trouble here.

krustykittens · 05/11/2019 16:35

She is bullying you into getting her own way, do not give in, OP! She can' be trusted and she doesn't sound like a responsible dog owner. No way is a puppy going to sit in her all day! IFshe gets a dog then she has to accept they are very tying. I don't get this notion lately that dogs have to go everywhere you do, including non-dog owners homes.

TryingToBeBold · 05/11/2019 16:36

@Lsquiggles you would be surprised.
I know people that won't go anywhere without their dogs. Won't leave them at home ever.

goldfinchfan · 05/11/2019 16:38

If she wants to being her dog even though she knows her DGD is afraid then she doesn't love her.
Your child is more important

Drum2018 · 05/11/2019 16:39

YANBU. Unless she ties the dog to her skirt it's not going to sit on her lap all day. MIL brought her dog to stay with us one Xmas - had to come as she was staying the night. He wasn't allowed in and mostly she respected that decision. She let the dog in once and then brought him back out after he'd done a few fast laps of the kitchen.

@GreenFingersWouldBeHandy Suggested message is perfect. It's unfair to have your dd afraid in her own house on Xmas day (or any day). However, as suggested by pp do aim to get help to overcome that fear. Don't let her end up like me, terrified of dogs into my late 30's. I did get help and am much better now.

Notmytelescope · 05/11/2019 16:39

YADNBU! stick to your guns OP. I also have a 3 year old who is scared of dogs thanks to an over exuberant, undertrained dog belonging to an extended family member. Fortunately the family is being sensible about it (now) and we keep DS and this dog apart.

A small poodle puppy is not what you need - either to add to Christmas chaos with a 3 year old and 10 month old - or to help your DS with his (very reasonable in the circumstances) fear of dogs.

If you do want to help your DS get used to dogs again you need a very calm, older dog. We have benefitted from visiting another family member with a lovely spaniel. When DS panicked and squealed she just moved away and sat down. Then waited for him to come to her again. After 10 minutes with her DS was calm and relaxed. He is still nervous and wary of other dogs but not panic stricken as he was before. A jumpy puppy with needle teeth is a terrible suggestion.

flouncyfanny · 05/11/2019 16:41

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

mencken · 05/11/2019 16:44

no. And what measures has she taken to prevent the dangerously out of control (legal definition in UK) other dog attacking anyone else?

wish her a happy christmas with furbaby. Why do shit dog owners always get more dogs?

koshkat · 05/11/2019 16:45

I would not want to take my pup to someone's house who did not love dogs so she should put the needs of her dog first and stay away.

Sallycinammonbangsthedruminthe · 05/11/2019 16:46

Hi MIL so sorry you won't be joining us but my answer remains the same ,,dogs and young children who are excited and crawling about do not mix well....press send then ignore!

StroppyWoman · 05/11/2019 16:47

YANBU. She's being awful. Your DH, her son, ought to talk to her and be firm.

ChocolateTeapot1 · 05/11/2019 16:48

I don’t allow dogs in my home or to be around my children (3 and 2). Your house, your child, your rules. I’d just say “awww what a shame you can’t make it” and think nothing else of it.

Chloemol · 05/11/2019 16:52

I have a dog, as do my mum and sisters. I also have a nephew that does not like dogs. We go to that sisters for Christmas Day, the three dogs are left at mine, in crates and as we are just around the corner I keep going back to let them out, feed them etc

Can you mil do that? She’s also making a rod for her own back by not leaving them, they end up with separation anxiety

CheeryB · 05/11/2019 16:52

YANBU. What a ridiculous thing to say the dog will stay on her lap!!
Rubbish. I wouldn't allow her to bring her dog/puppy and have my child on a knife edge all day. Not a chance, sunshine.

DawnOfTheDeadleg · 05/11/2019 16:54

There is no way I would allow this, and frankly I wouldn't allow her to bring the puppy even with a cage or crate either. It's bound to malfunction in some way, or the dog will just need to come out for a little rest because it's whining in there. She is the sort of entitled dog owner who thinks people who want to take any steps to avoid or curtail her dog are in the wrong. She thinks she has the moral high ground, and if you allow her to bring the puppy will act accordingly.

It doesn't actually seem particularly fair on the dog either.

DonKeyshot · 05/11/2019 16:54

Rather than "broke it", I suspect that the puppy has never seen the inside of crate or pen because Mil hasn't bought one.

The excitement of the festive season in a family home is not suitable for a puppy as they need a calm environment and plenty of sleep. If the puppy came to your home on Christmas Day I would expect its crate or pen to be placed in a quiet room for the majority of the time it's with you.

Looks like you'll be having at least one less for lunch on the 25th, or two if you count the pup Grin Is there a Fil who can prevail?

Mulhollandmagoo · 05/11/2019 16:58

We have a dog, and we absolutely adore him, he's part of our family!! But he doesn't come everywhere with us, dogs aren't welcome in other people's houses for a number of reasons and that is to be respected!! We chose to get a dog, he isn't everyone else's concern!

For reference, we are going to my parents for Christmas dinner this year, and my dog will have to stay at home for a few hours as he doesn't get along with my mum's dog, he'll be fine (probably chill after all the madness of Christmas morning with kids 😂) we don't leave him all day, just a few hours at the absolute most!

plightofthealbatross · 05/11/2019 17:02

"That's a shame. You'll be missed."

Only responsive to give every time she tries again.

egontoste · 05/11/2019 17:02

Put your foot down.

She needs to decide whether she thinks her dog is more important than her grandchildren.

WeeMadArthur · 05/11/2019 17:03

I say this as a dog owner. You have to stand firm OP, I guarantee that she won’t be able to control the puppy sufficiently around your children and you will feel that you can’t make an issue of it because it would spoil Christmas. It’s a disaster waiting to happen, all because she is wilfully ignoring her dogs behaviour and its effect on your child in the past. She will brush off and excuse any bad behaviour on the day. Don’t make your poor children have a dog in the house on Christmas Day that they won’t be able to get away from.

GPatz · 05/11/2019 17:04

'Wouldn’t a gentle introduction to a small cute puppy be a good way for you to work together on addressing your 3 year old’s fear?'

Probably, but considering it was one of MIL's dogs that bit the three year old, another owners dog would be a better start.