To think miscarriage advice is total toss

[Hey1256]

So when you have a miscarriage the first thing they 'assume' is it's nothing you've done wrong.

How do they know? They've not even asked if I have been drinking alcohol, taken drugs or anything.

There's so much bollocks around about not drinking more than two cups of coffee a day, no late or soft cheese, no hot baths, Saunas,

If this stuff really prevents miscarriage then why the hell when I have one has no one bothered to ask me if I have been sticking to these rules or warning me to do that if there's a next time I'm aware of how to prevent it.

In which case, if there 'nothing I could have done' probably should just drink as much coffee as I want next time. What's the point of a miserable pregnancy if these things actually don't contribute to miscarriage and there's 'nothing I could have done - just genetics'

It's all BS, I think doctors talk rubbish just to spare women's feelings. We either can prevent miscarriage or we can't so why bother have all this bullshit pregnancy rules.

It is a very painful and angry and sad process to lose a baby. I am sorry you're going through this.
A lot of pregnancies do end in miscarriage but a lot don't.
A lot of the guidance is about helping the ones that make it to being born have the best start, particularly alcohol and drugs.

But not one of the medical professionals have asked me if I have follows pregnancy guidelines so are the guidelines rubbish then? If they're that important surely a mention to stick to them next time might be worthwhile.

Telling me I couldn't have done anything to prevent it then is clearly a bare faced lie

In most cases miscarriage is normal. It is a part of pregnancy and life. It is hard and painful and grim. But for most it is the body doing the job it is supposed to do and expelling a genetically unsound embryo or fetus.

If you have recurrent miscarriage which is either incredibly unlucky, or a medical issue, then they investigate the cause and treat it if it is preventable.

Sorry for your loss

Early miscarriages are overwhelmingly likely to be a problem with the fetus that makes it not viable. That doesn't mean there aren't other reasons that might cause it, but the chances are it's bad luck and they are relatively common. If someone has repeated miscarriages, it would be investigated and if someone was doing something to heighten their risk, it would generally be found out then, but an isolated miscarriage is sadly not unusual enough for doctors to really spend any time on.

Also, the 'rules' are written for the whole of pregnancy and aren't just related to miscarriages but are to do with low birth weight, birth defects, stillbirths, etc. There's a whole spectrum of things between a healthy baby and a miscarriage. It isn't binary like that.

I think a lot of people blame themselves when they have a miscarriage (I know I did), so having an HCP examine everything you might have done wrong could be excruciating for many people. There's no one thing you can do to prevent a miscarriage.

Sorry for your loss

I turned out to have an undiagnosed condition. So I probably could have "done"something. But that didn't change the awfulness of the loss. The medical professionals are not there to judge you and when you are going through the loss. It's difficult. Perhaps after awhile a chat with your GP or research about why there are the restrictions.

Unfortunately most early miscarriages happen because the fetus would have been incompatible with life for genetic or other reasons, so really it isn't anything that you can do about it. Hope you're okay

Have you just had a miscarriage?

I’d suggest that this might be your anger phase of grief.

But those 'rules' aren't necessarily to reduce the risk of miscarriage they are to ensure if your pregnancy does go to term that your baby is as healthy as possible.
I also found them saying things like 'there is nothing you could have done', 'sometimes these things happen for a reason', etc, all made me angry rather than give me any comfort!

What good would it do to make a woman experiencing miscarriage feel guilty? The fact is that the doctors have no way of knowing what caused the miscarriage, only that majority of early miscarriages are caused my chromosomal abnormalities which you couldn't prevent with diet choices.

I was told that more than 95% of the time, it is a chromosomal issue. So, following the idea of ‘if you hear hoof beats, think horses, not zebras’, that is what doctors focus on unless there are recurrent miscarriages.

There is also a strong element of not upsetting the patient even more than she already is.

Other than cheese, I think the majority of food warnings are to ensure a healthy child rather than prevent miscarriage.

Doesn’t matter though because miscarriages still suck. Worst days of my life!

Well if a doctor did ask anything like if the mother had been drinking, smoked or whatever, it does nothing to change the ultimate outcome.

It would only serve to make women who had had a glass of rosé before they found out they were pregnant, or a few cheeky cigarettes as they were trying to stop cold turkey torture themselves.

The things you mention increase risk. They dont cause 100%.
Caffeine increased risk low birth weight
Sit In sauna for 30.minutes increased risk
Soft cheese wont itself cause miscarriage but has higher chance of carrying listeria/salmonella etc so that could make you ill and the illness could increase risk

But chances are the miscarriage is a foetus with genetic issues. Nothing you did.

When you plan t a packet of seeds some.don t survive.nature is cruel. When egg and sperm collide things can go wrong.

Sorry for your loss.

I'm sorry for your loss, I remember those exact thoughts and feelings I was very angry.

Not doing those things listed doesn't prevent miscarriage, but doing/eating/drinking them increases the risks of miscarriage, birth defects, low birth weight, problems with development, ill health etc.

. I'm just so so angry. And it just got me thinking.

I guess I didn't think about the fact that that it isn't binary and that if the embryo survived then the restrictions are still their to encourage growth and health.

I sound mean but I'm angry I followed everything to the letter and theres some people that do far from it take drugs drink lots and their babies end up being fine.

I sound mean but I'm angry I followed everything to the letter and theres some people that do far from it take drugs drink lots and their babies end up being fine.

It's one of the great unfairnesses of life and is very difficult to make sense of. Sorry for your loss

I suppose they take the view that most women who want a baby are following the ‘guidelines’ and if you’re not you know already, and probably blame yourself to some extent. It would hardly be very compassionate to start questioning women about their habits after a m/c. Also lots of the advice is completely cautionary and doesn’t really have any evidence to back it up (for instance no evidence that saunas raise core temp to dangerous levels for pregnant women).

When I was suspected of miscarrying (I did) my dr told me to ‘go home and have a cup of sweet tea’ as my 12 week scan was booked for the following Monday and there was really nothing they could do. At the time I was outraged and felt like I was being shrugged off but in hindsight it was good advice, as there’s really nothing you can do.

I’m really sorry you’re going through this, it sucks.

Who gave you the guidelines about hot baths and saunas? I’ve seen this online but not told by an actual medical professional.

The alcohol, drugs, food guidance isn’t miscarriage prevention per-se. It’s about causing the foetus damage. If you got listeria in early pregnancy it might cause a miscarriage. But you would tell your GP if you’d had it (you’d definitely know). So they wouldn’t ask. Your GP is also unlikely to ask you about alcohol or drug use unless you brought it up, or you were visibly affected.

GPs know that there is no explanation for most miscarriages, and it’s probably a chromosomal or other problem with the developing baby that’s totally out of the mother’s influence. I know I became obsessed by what was causing my repeat miscarriages but ultimately it did turn put to be bad luck. I’m glad my GP encouraged me not to beat myself up

...if course if you have had severe gastric illness or three days and hospitalised just before you would say. And ask if it contributed.
If you had binged alcohol for three days and were passed out after vomiting just before you would say
If you had drunk 20 expressos just before you would say so and ask the question.

But even then the doctors could not know for sure the cause unless genetically testing the foetus.

It's so not fair, OP. I feel your pain and your anger.

I remember a medical professional following me into the ladies after another non-viable scan result and asking me through the door if I was alright.

What was I supposed to say? Of course I wasn't alright, I'd just been told my latest longed-for baby had died like the others.

You'll know when you're ready to try again. You won't feel like this forever. Don't let anyone tell you what you should be feeling. Don't listen politely to platitudes including mine.

I wish you a happy ending to your story.

I see what you mean in that there's no point crying over spilt milk with the advice.

I just wish they'd not say 'there's nothing you could have done' when there possibly is. I don't like lies and that is a lie.

I wish they'd just say ' it's unlikely you did anything but lots of things cause miscarriage, here's a leaflet on what those things are' for example.

The dietary guidelines etc are mostly to ensure your & baby's health and will have little to no impact on miscarriage.

Eg I asked about long hot baths and was told "the point is, if you feel uncomfortably warm, your baby does too, but it's no able to regulate that and this it can be harmed".

I mostly ignored the guidance re soft cheeses etc. I've never come across anyone who has had listeria etc from soft cheese, it's reducing an already tiny risk.

OP, I understand, I really do. I've had 3 MCs. You want to know if there's anything you can do differently to prevent it happening again.

The reason they will not ask about those things is you could have been drinking coffee etc and it's still not likely that "caused" the MC. Avoiding soft cheese/coffee etc won't prevent a MC, almost nothing will.

Radio 4 More or less looked at some of the pg guidelines

www.bbc.co.uk/programmes/p07hyqb1

The coffee one was I seem to remember based on drinking 8 cups a day - and I seem to remember it didn't take into account mother's age which is linked to greater risk of miscarriage and greater coffee consumption.

I know mothers who suffered loss and did get very angry with other pg women who seemed not to follow rules and had healthy babies - it can seem very unfair but there are many other factors parents have no control over.

@Hey1256 I'm so sorry for your loss.

I think the "rules" are there to keep a healthy baby healthy, iyswim. Unfortunately life is just shit sometimes and shit stuff happens just because life is shit sometimes.

I'd guess the last thing most women experiencing a miscarriage could deal with is a forensic breakdown of their behaviour and if they're to "blame" when it's highly unlikely they are. And if they have done something ie drugs etc they know that themselves, a verbal bashing from a doctor won't change it more than the pain of loss.

This wasn't your fault, and that might be harder to bear than knowing if you just do X differently you'll never go through this pain again. I wish you every success in the future, when you're ready x