Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

She should have let me have it surely?

518 replies

AaaaaaarghhhWhereAreMyKeys · 04/11/2019 22:42

In charity shop today with a GOOD friend (friend went in before me as I needed to go to another shop). When I got back 2 mins later she’d found a gorgeous coat, lovely colour, in great condition, my size not hers.

I said how lovely it was but was it the right size for her? She said she liked it anyway, fair enough, kind-of. After we left, I repeated that I thought it was lovely and if she changed her mind and didn’t want it after all I’d buy it from her. She still said she wanted to keep it.

Greedy cow has only gone and listed it on eBay!!! It’ll probably sell for much more than she paid for it. She doesn’t particularly need the money. I have a young DC and not currently working. There’s no way I could afford a coat like that at the moment at full-price, let alone whatever price she gets for it on eBay.

She’s been a good friend for a long time and we’ve been through a lot but I honestly think that was so unkind. Am so upset with her.

What do we think Mumsnet? Aibu?

OP posts:
ffswhatnext · 05/11/2019 23:42

The friends' response would tell the op nothing. The friend is entirely free to do whatever she wants with her things. She can sell to whoever she wants to.

Maybe the op should message saying how she misses it, etc. The mate will clearly see she is being pathetic.

@seeingasyouareclueless
the op cannot say for certain whether the friend has financial difficulties. She is assuming this based on what she sees.
She sees someone who isn't particularly broke.
I see someone who can spot a bargain, so appears more financially stable.

StillCoughingandLaughing · 06/11/2019 00:26

Bloody hell! I would not want to be friends with most of the people on this thread! What happened to being kind?

There’s being kind and there’s screwing yourself. Buying a friend a chocolate bar or a coffee when they’re upset is kind. Babysitting to allow them to go out on their anniversary is kind. Letting them manipulate you into handing over your purchases because they want them more is being a doormat.

NaomiFromMilkShake · 06/11/2019 00:38

.

Derbee · 06/11/2019 01:22

Why has my post telling OP to get a job if she wants nice things been deleted? Fuck sake it's not a protected characteristic being unemployed (and selfish)!

@MacabreMannequinFun Trigger happy or inept mumsnet employee on duty today would be my guess. I’ve had loads of posts deleted today, for no reason whatsoever!

I suspect this one won’t be up for long...

QueenoftheDay · 06/11/2019 01:36

Just cut the coat OP ✂️

😈

Ruddywax · 06/11/2019 05:41

This has to be a classic!

Tolleshunt · 06/11/2019 07:07

handing over your purchases because they want them more is being a doormat.

I would agree if the friend wanted the coat to wear herself. But for hustling for a few quid on EBay? Nah, that’s selfish fucker territory.

pickingdaisies · 06/11/2019 09:25

If I showed a GOOD friend a coat I'd found and her response was to suggest it was lovely but wasn't it, ahem, not quite my size, a little snug, maybe, and she'd be happy to take it off my hands, I would also sell it on eBay rather than let her have it. HTH.

Tolleshunt · 06/11/2019 09:51

Are you very touchy about the truth then picking?

Obviously if OP told the friend she’s a fatty, then I could maybe see your point. But if she just pointed out it might not fit her, in a neutral way, then I don’t think it’s justified to prioritise a few quid profit over a friend who’s hard up.

LovePoppy · 06/11/2019 10:35

But for hustling for a few quid on EBay? Nah, that’s selfish fucker territory.

Why? It’s her coat? We don’t know her financial situation.

AtrociousCircumstance · 06/11/2019 10:38

OP you are not her child. She found a coat and is selling it. In no way does she owe you anything!

Tolleshunt · 06/11/2019 10:51

It’s not a coat she already had, LovePoppy! She grabbed it in the shop and chose to buy it for the purpose of selling on for a profit, while knowing OP is hard up and wanted it to wear!

Butchyrestingface · 06/11/2019 11:01

while knowing OP is hard up and wanted it to wear!

What a pity OP hadn’t found it first, etc, etc. Not the first time the OP decided friend had something she wanted, was it?

Tolleshunt · 06/11/2019 11:13

Yes, Butchy the friend found it first. We’re just back to the difference between what is true/legal and what is kind. The friend absolutely doesn’t have to give her the coat. Similarly, OP absolutely doesn’t have to remain friends with her if she finds her values unattractive. I know I would find those values (which I see as selfish) very unattractive, and would be put off from being friends. At the very least I would be remembering in the back of my mind never to put myself out for her.

BarrenFieldofFucks · 06/11/2019 11:25

Found first by a couple of minutes. The OP offered to buy it, not have it.

LovePoppy · 06/11/2019 11:25

It’s not actually clear if friend had already bought it when OP rocked up.

As I said, we don’t know friends financial situation. She might be hard up as well but putting on a show. I certainly don’t talk intimate finance details with friends, do you?

LovePoppy · 06/11/2019 11:27

Do you give up your things to your friends every time they want them?
Do you practice what you preach?

Butchyrestingface · 06/11/2019 11:34

Yes, Butchy the friend found it first. We’re just back to the difference between what is true/legal and what is kind

No, we’re not. The OP seems to have form for deciding she wants what her friend has and judging her for not surrendering the item.

OP’s response to seeing her friend buying something OP liked was to imply she was too fat for it, although it was alright “kind of” that friend still wanted to have it. And then to start badgering the woman about buying it from her when they were barely out of the shop.

Friend persists in doing what was clearly her plan all along - to Ebay the item. OP responds by starting a thread on MN in which she variously describes her “GOOD” friend as a “greedy cow”, “jealous”, implies unpleasant things about friend’s dealings with her MiL, refers to friend’s “fleabag business” and threatens to debrief the charity shop.

It’s not the friend’s values that are unattractive here.

Tolleshunt · 06/11/2019 11:35

That’s not what we’re talking about here, is it LovePoppy? I don’t think exaggerating gets us anywhere.

It wasn’t the friend’s thing yet. She wanted to buy it for profit, OP wanted a cheap coat to wear herself, because she is hard of funds. Like i said, I find the friend’s actions selfish and unkind. Others (you?) may be happy to be treated in a more hard-nosed way. That’s up to you. I don’t intend to allow myself to be treated like that and it sounds like OP doesn’t like it either.

Tolleshunt · 06/11/2019 11:39

Butchy I agree with OP that the friend is greedy. To me, kindness is important, though society seems to have devalued it. I guess at heart OP and her friend have different values and are probably incompatible.

Butchyrestingface · 06/11/2019 11:47

Butchy I agree with OP that the friend is greedy. To me, kindness is important, though society seems to have devalued it. I guess at heart OP and her friend have different values and are probably incompatible.

And do you agree with OP that her friend is “jealous” and runs a “fleabag business”? I can’t see anything remotely “greedy” about trying to earn a living myself but hey... 🤷‍♀️

The fact remains that before anything to do with reselling the item via Ebay even came up, OP stated that it was “fair enough” “ kind of “ (!!!) that her friend liked and wanted to buy an item she found in a charity store, despite OP being of the opinion that it wasn’t her size.

How anyone would defend that is beyond me.

SDTGisAnEvilWolefGenius · 06/11/2019 11:54

@AaaaaaarghhhWhereAreMyKeys - even though I do agree with the posters who don't think your friend did anything wrong, per se, I can still see why you are upset by what she did - and I don't think your feelings have to be logical to be valid.

ffswhatnext · 06/11/2019 11:58

It’s not actually clear if friend had already bought it when OP rocked up.
Friend found it first and picked it up before the op had even walked through the door. Doesn't really matter if she had bought it.

ffswhatnext · 06/11/2019 12:02

We’re just back to the difference between what is true/legal and what is kind

Person A walks into shop, sees something and picks it up.
Person B walks into the shop and sees the item and she also likes it. Even makes comments questioning will it fit, and how they like it.
Person A goes to the till and pays for it. Ignoring random comments.
Person B oh well, there will be something else somewhere that I like/fits/affordable.

True, legalities, kindness, whatever are irrelevant.

Tolleshunt · 06/11/2019 12:06

I don’t like the term ‘fleabag’ Butchy,no, I agree with you on that

. I took from what OP wrote that the friend uses EBay as a side hustle to make a little extra, but isn’t hard up. Op, however, is, so I took her responses in the context of anger and fear. Have you ever been very hard up? It can be extremely frightening.