Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To invite “unwanted”guests?

102 replies

Luckybe40 · 04/11/2019 19:46

DD is turning 6, we are having a class party for her at the end of November, in about 3 weeks time. I’m just sorting the invites now to go in the school bags of her classmates tomorrow, although I already sent a message on the class what’s app 3 weeks ago to save the date for that particular day for DD’s party. DD having seen me writing the invites, has informed me that there are 3 boys in the class that she doesn’t get on with and who chase her and tease her A LOT and gang up on her and her 2 best friends. She is adamant she doesn’t want them coming to the party. I knew that she had issues with one in particular but didn’t know about the other 2. I don’t really know if I just shouldn’t send them an invitation, and hope the parents forget( not likely) or invite them against her wishes and save face. I didn’t expect her to have such a strong reaction about inviting them, however she REALLY freaked outConfused and says she won’t go if they go... She used to be best friends with her “big” enemy and I thought it was just a blip and not a big deal...but apparently not! Anyone have experience? I’ve already sent out a save the date so...pretty sure I have to invite them but don’t want them to upset her party. She’s been telling me a few things they’ve been doing to her and it doesn’t sound great...

OP posts:
Stressedout10 · 04/11/2019 19:49

Don't invite her bullies what sort of lesson are you teaching her if you ignore her wishes and invite them?

CallmeAngelina · 04/11/2019 19:51

Side issue - who are you expecting to put the invitations into the book bags? We don't allow this at our school. Even more of an issue if you're not inviting the whole class.

Ponoka7 · 04/11/2019 19:51

I think you need to be speaking to her teacher about it.

If you do invite them you need to reasure your DD that you will be supervising them and make sure that you do it.

Original poster
Luckybe40 · 04/11/2019 20:04

Generally at our school we hand the invites to the teacher who then puts them in the children’s school bags. I confirmed with her teacher today that this was okay and she said she’s happy to do this and that’s what usually happens. I asked DD if she felt bullied by these boys and it was a “no, but I HATE them”. I feel like an idiot that I didn’t foresee this.

OP posts:
Original poster
Luckybe40 · 04/11/2019 20:05

I think it’s a more us against them (3 girls against 3 boys...)

OP posts:
TheresWaldo · 04/11/2019 20:07

I don't understand whole class parties. Why not invite the kids she is friends with and then this would not be an issue.

DNR · 04/11/2019 20:10

What are these boys doing or saying?

CallmeAngelina · 04/11/2019 20:14

Our staff have been specifically told by the Head not to get involved with party invitations. Frankly, the staff have enough to do, we're not social secretaries for stuff outside school, it's a right faff, and we have in the past had staff blamed for things having gone wrong (child lost theirs, but swore the teacher had left them out/parent complaining because their child wasn't invited etc..)

ThatMuppetShow · 04/11/2019 20:14

"save the date" for a 6 year old birthday party, really?!?

I wouldn't invite anyone who bullies my child, but you already have with your save the date? Don't send anything else and speak to the teacher as well.

officeslave1 · 04/11/2019 20:14

Because you’ve already invited them it’s going to tricky to uninvite them.

If your dd doesn’t feel bullied or intimidated by them or doesn’t want you or the teacher to intervene I’d still invite them telling dd they would be under strict supervision.

Children change friendship group regularly and if you ostracise the boys it might have a negative effect later on down the road when one of them incite the entire class and your dd isn’t invited but her friends are.

Have a chat with her teacher and see what’s going on

BlueLadybird · 04/11/2019 20:17

Options are:

Chat to DD about how two wrongs don’t make a right and the boys would feel sad if they weren’t invited and that this is her chance to make amends and be the better person. See if she buys it.

If not, and if you think she is right to feel upset by what’s happening, then I would contact the parents of the boys and say something like ‘Its seems there have been some disagreements between DD and her girl friends and a few boys in the class. I don’t want the difficulties to surface out of school and make any of them uncomfortable so hope you’ll understand not inviting them to the party. Hope they are all able to make amends soon’

misspiggy19 · 04/11/2019 20:18

Don't invite her bullies what sort of lesson are you teaching her if you ignore her wishes and invite them?

^This. Why would you do that to your daughter?

Witchinaditch · 04/11/2019 20:20

Oh Gosh sorry that was meant to go on a different thread!!!!

Original poster
Luckybe40 · 04/11/2019 20:21

DNR I’m not really getting a clear answer from her but chasing them, teasing, shouting at them...she says kicking and hitting them but they are obviously are supervised at school and the teachers haven’t pulled me aside to say anything nor has she complained
about them after school so I’m not sure how much kicking and hitting actually goes on. I’m pretty sure I would have heard something if she was being physically attacked.

OP posts:
NoKnit · 04/11/2019 20:21

It's her party, can't she chose who she wants there? I wouldn't invite whole class just limit it to 10 kids

Original poster
Luckybe40 · 04/11/2019 20:27

I guess my issue is I don’t want to offend the parents of these 3 boys after I made a blanket invite unless this is actually a serious issue with her little girl gang and these 3 boys. Thanks blueladybird

OP posts:
Original poster
Luckybe40 · 04/11/2019 20:27

Really good advice.

OP posts:
Original poster
Luckybe40 · 04/11/2019 20:28

witchinaditch Grin

OP posts:
Itsallpetetong · 04/11/2019 20:29

Inviting everyone in the class apart from those 3 would be bullying by exclusion and, as you have already sent ‘save the date’ to the whole class isn’t that already an invite? Confused

I think the only option, if you didn’t want them attending, would be to tell DD to pick a certain number to invite rather than the whole class minus those 3. At least if 10 other kids aren’t invited there won’t be too much muttering by the parents.
Their parents WILL be offended if they are the only 3 not invited.

TellMeWhoTheVilliansAre · 04/11/2019 20:32

You jumped the gun a bit with a "save the date" Hmm

You've created a mess now that you need to sort out. And you need to decide whether you save face in front of the mothers and invite the boys against your daughter's wishes. Or let her enjoy her party.

You could send out a group message that due to various reasons you're cutting the numbers and won't be having a whole class party anymore. Everyone else might be relieved that they don't have to reciprocate.

Invite 6-8 of her actual friends. Job done.

Drum2018 · 04/11/2019 20:42

Save the date for a child's party? Seriously you are sending invites out too early, let alone sending save the date messages. She could be best friends with them in 2 weeks time. Send the invites out a week before and in the meantime if she's having bother in school with these lads, talk to the teacher. Maybe it'll be resolved by the time the party comes round.

officeslave1 · 04/11/2019 20:45

tellme has the best idea!

Original poster
Luckybe40 · 04/11/2019 20:48

callmeangelina I understand that it’s extra work for the teacher, which is why I spoke to her about it today, to ask her how it was usually done. She assured me that she often put party invites in bags and it was fine. So...I took that at face value that it was fine.
Thanks to everyone for their advice.

OP posts:
plightofthealbatross · 04/11/2019 20:49

I think you should invite them. YOu sent them a save the date (which was stupid, frankly), but manners dictate you need to follow up with the invitation.

Your DD isn't being bullied. She said so. SHe just doesn't like them at the moment ... and excluding 3 from the class invite is unkind, especially as you've already told everyone they're getting an invite.

I would tell her you follow through or no party.