To invite “unwanted”guests?

[Luckybe40]

DD is turning 6, we are having a class party for her at the end of November, in about 3 weeks time. I’m just sorting the invites now to go in the school bags of her classmates tomorrow, although I already sent a message on the class what’s app 3 weeks ago to save the date for that particular day for DD’s party. DD having seen me writing the invites, has informed me that there are 3 boys in the class that she doesn’t get on with and who chase her and tease her A LOT and gang up on her and her 2 best friends. She is adamant she doesn’t want them coming to the party. I knew that she had issues with one in particular but didn’t know about the other 2. I don’t really know if I just shouldn’t send them an invitation, and hope the parents forget( not likely) or invite them against her wishes and save face. I didn’t expect her to have such a strong reaction about inviting them, however she REALLY freaked out and says she won’t go if they go... She used to be best friends with her “big” enemy and I thought it was just a blip and not a big deal...but apparently not! Anyone have experience? I’ve already sent out a save the date so...pretty sure I have to invite them but don’t want them to upset her party. She’s been telling me a few things they’ve been doing to her and it doesn’t sound great...

I think I might just cancel the party and do what has been suggested and just have a few of her friends. I’ll speak to her tomorrow and listen carefully to what she says...All I wanted was to give her a fantastic birthday party with lots of her classmates, friends, etc...thanks again for all your input.

Did your save the dates have the location and time as well? If not I would just not invite those boys. Your priority should be your daughter not saving face with parents of the kids who tease her!

If your save the date message had all the info they may well turn up, so I would send the message about cutting down due to capacity issues.

Why not go ahead and do it as planned and see what happens in practice? You might have a better idea of the boys and whether there is a problem that needs to be dealt with.

No location or time on the save the date. I booked it because her brother had a similar party 2 years earlier and LOVED it. It’s a scavenger hunt in the woods with a bonfire, toasted marshmallow and pizza at the end. I booked it because I knew she’d have an amazing time...maybe not if these boys come though.

Invite the whole class, keep an eye on the children. Friendships can be fickle at this age. If you do an all class party, you cannot leave 3 children out. You’ve said to save the date, so the only thing to do is have a full class party

First of all, I don't think there's anything odd about sending a date out on the class whatsapp. It's normal here. "By the way, I'm having a party for X on 19th November at Kidzone. All invited, invitations will be coming home soon." Save hassle if some kids misplace their invitations.

Secondly, re the boys, I would have a chat with the teacher first. I am a KS1 teacher and parent of a KS1 DD and if it's the first time she's mentioned it, IME (as both a teacher and parent), it could be that "all the time" means it happened once. If so, I would expect the teacher to deal with it appropriately as a one off incident. Then I would speak to DD, explain that you will watch them carefully to make sure they behave at her party and invite them as normal.

If it is a case of ongoing bullying, the parents will need to be informed by the school. At this point, the parents will become aware of the situation and it makes it easier for you to say to them "in light of what's happened at school, X is not very comfortable having so and so at her party. I'm sure it will all be sorted out now but for the time being I think it's best if they don't attend this time."

If your DD says she's being bullied, believe her (I would like to think that is obvious.) Just because teachers (who aren't usually in the playground anyway, or don't usually take much notice) mightn't know it's happening, doesn't mean it isn't. Either way, she's made her feelings for her birthday clear, that she doesn't feel comfortable with the boys she feels are bullying her there.

Aw I wouldn't cancel it at all. Especially as the woods etc sounds extra lovely. xx Just don't invite the boys. The parent's will've forgotten the 'save the date' anyway, or will if they don't hear anything. xx

One way out of it would be to only invite the girls. No boys at all.

I think you have blown this party completely out of proportion. Save the date for a 6 year olds party? If I received that I wouldn't be saving the date for a kids party so far in advance, I wouldn't have a list of kids so far in advance because friendships change so much as this age. Round here invites go out 2 weeks in advance max otherwise 1 parents forget and 2 other people's lives don't revolve around a 6 year olds party. Those who can attend do those with other commitments don't. I think it's pretty presumptuous to think parents want to save a date so gar on advsnce for a 6 year olds party esp since at this age they tend to get loads of invites anyway.

I used to get round this shite by saying (if asked) numbers were limited so names drawn from a a hat. I was never asked, but then I am a teacher and am blessed with an outstanding resting bitch face, which might account for it.:o

I'm more at the save the date for a 6 year old's party.

I think you are going to have to explain to your daughter that this year, because you have already sent out a 'save the date' to everyone in her class - you must invite everyone. And that next year when she knows everyone in her class a little better she can help you with the invitations. Remember - you are the parent here and you are in charge. Your DD will not be scarred forever by this.

PS as mum to 3 my advice is inviting the whole class is never a good idea.

I'm really cross at this.

Jesus christ, your daughter confided in you and all you are doing is minimising and disbelieving her, worrying about saving YOUR face infront of parents. Narcissim classic.
And now you want to cancel the party to save YOUR own face instead?

Why are you so determined to ruin it? It's about your daughter and who she wants there, not those 3 horrid boys or the parents opinions.

2 rights dont make a right? It wont twach the boys to be kinder it will teach them abaolutely nothing and teaches your daughter that her reality, her perception and feelings of what happened matters sweet fuck all because everyone elses feelings come first. Even on her own fucking birthday party.

And those who go on about teachers not allowed to pass invitations, apart from misi
Sing the point completely, guess what its an international site, fwiw im in the uk and yes, the bloody teachers do give out invites.
It's all about you op and what the parents will think than your daughter. I feel sorry for her to be honest.

OP - don't cancel the party. She is so young - you really shouldn't be asking her to decide anything.
Take charge and tell her what is happening - end of. Don't ask her to make choices - jeez no wonder kids these days suffer from anxiety. You are the one who should be making the decisions - not her. She is just 5 years old!

Could it be that your daughter and her friends are actually the bullies, and not inviting these three boys could be part of her bullying?

I love how this post has turned into you are YABVVU for sending a a save the date message!!! It’s very common around here( outskirts of London / Surrey and party plans are made months in advance! True Story! Just to reiterate, I have asked her point blank 2 times if she’s being bullied and asked her brother who watches over her in the shared playground at school and both were adamant that she’s NOT being bullied by these boys, more that she doesn’t like them. midnightscribbler she might actually be the bully...I don’t know. She hangs with 2 other girls, one is so lovely, the other, a bit manipulative and seems to constantly be trying to turn people against each other. My DD is no shrinking violet but I can’t say 100% what’s happening as I’m not there. I’ll speak to the teacher today and see what she says. Thanks again everyone...Shame the responses are so split!

FFS.
Believe your daughter!

Why is 2 weeks notice not enough? I know you might have to book venues in advance but why is letting parents know 2 weeks in advance of the party not enough? I'll be honest I wouldn't be "saving the date" for a child's birthday party. If I got an invitation and there was nothing else planned, my child would be going. If something else was planned I wouldn't be cancelling it to attend the party. So whether I received an invitation 6 weeks or 2 weeks in advance the net result would be the same.

I'd be letting parents know you've had to downsize. No point in keeping up with the Joneses by throwing a whole class party if your daughter doesn't actually want her whole class there. Other than the 3 boys she hates, there are probably others she doesn't interact with too much. Why put yourself to the expenses if it's not what she wants anyway.

She's 6. You've a lot of parties to go through. Suit yourself rather than trying to please everyone else.

Love the fact that OP has repeatedly said her DD is not being bullied and 90% of posters are moaning about OP not believing and supporting her DD. What her DD has actually said is that she hates the boys, if it were one girl that she hated and didn't want to attend would the response be the same? Mumsnet is so anti boys sometimes...

OP I think the earlier response about sending a message saying the party will not be a full class event and you made a mistake then just inviting half or less of the class was a good one. Otherwise just go ahead, keep a close eye on things and explain to your DD you had already told them about it.

If you invite all but three you are asking for them (or their parents) to do similar to your DD or to escalate the current situation.

Obviously if you find out they have been bullying/hurting/scaring your DD that's different but it doesn't seem to be from what your describing.

I know you might have to book venues in advance but why is letting parents know 2 weeks in advance of the party not enough?

it's way too late, most people have made plans and it's really inconvenient. Even a month notice is not great.

But sending the invitation is enough, no need for a save the day!

What plans? And what is the inconvenience? It's a 6 year old's birthday party. If my children can't make it because of other commitments, then they can't make it. If other commitments aren't too important they can make it. 6 weeks notice wouldn't change that.

I'm honestly baffled by what sort plans people would have in place 6-8 weeks in advance that would be rescheduled or put off to make way for a child's birthday party

I think you should invite them. YOu sent them a save the date (which was stupid, frankly), but manners dictate you need to follow up with the invitation.

Sure. Manners. That’s why she should invite children who her daughter clearly is being upset by.

Or she should explain to the parents something is going on with their kids and because of that her daughter is afraid to have them at the party.

So... you sent a save the date message. Surely not ALL parents woudl assume that meant ther kids was invited. Surely they would have though "Nope! Don't know that one" and moved on.

Talk to the teacher, explain DDs total refusal to invite the 3 boys and ask her what she thinks. Maybe she will to talk to their parent to explain that, at this moment in time, your kids aren't getting on so they won't be getting an invitation! DSis teaches EYFS and has a few "Now, remember you won't all be invited to every party" sessions every year! It isn't uncommon!

Imagine if you were throwing a party for yourself, for around 30 people.
Now imagine that you have fallen out with 3 of those people. Imagine that they bully you, scare you, & the thought of them being at your party is seriously distressing you.

However, your mum has already sent a save the date.
So obviously your mum's potential social embarrassment far outweighs your own fear & distress, & these bully boys must be invited. Because your feelings are immaterial.

FFS OP now imagine going though all that AGED 6 & how you would feel, not just the fear of these boys but that your own mum would not protect you?
Get yourself a sense of proportion, a backbone, & fucking deal with this like a proper supportive parent.

I didn’t expect her to have such a strong reaction about inviting them, however she REALLY freaked outconfused and says she won’t go if they go...

And yet you backtrack, with later updates, stating that you REALLY think she isn't being bullied. Stop with the wishful thinking. Your DD is freaked out, why the fuck are you agonising over social niceties?