To invite “unwanted”guests?

[Luckybe40]

DD is turning 6, we are having a class party for her at the end of November, in about 3 weeks time. I’m just sorting the invites now to go in the school bags of her classmates tomorrow, although I already sent a message on the class what’s app 3 weeks ago to save the date for that particular day for DD’s party. DD having seen me writing the invites, has informed me that there are 3 boys in the class that she doesn’t get on with and who chase her and tease her A LOT and gang up on her and her 2 best friends. She is adamant she doesn’t want them coming to the party. I knew that she had issues with one in particular but didn’t know about the other 2. I don’t really know if I just shouldn’t send them an invitation, and hope the parents forget( not likely) or invite them against her wishes and save face. I didn’t expect her to have such a strong reaction about inviting them, however she REALLY freaked out and says she won’t go if they go... She used to be best friends with her “big” enemy and I thought it was just a blip and not a big deal...but apparently not! Anyone have experience? I’ve already sent out a save the date so...pretty sure I have to invite them but don’t want them to upset her party. She’s been telling me a few things they’ve been doing to her and it doesn’t sound great...

TellMeWhoTheVilliansAre
What plans? And what is the inconvenience?

I'm honestly baffled by what sort plans people would have in place 6-8 weeks in advance that would be rescheduled or put off to make way for a child's birthday party

I am baffled that someone can't comprehend that people have a life, and make plans in advance? If I send an invitation here 2 weeks before a party, I will have no one - because by that time people have made other plans. How is that too hard for you?

My kids have something every weekend from now to mid January, like any normal family around here. Between sports, school events, parties and weekends that were free so I booked to go away with them. It's just normal.

If they get something the week or 2 weeks before, they will likely decline because it's far too late.

I don't believe people do so little that they are available 1 or 2 weeks before, how sad.

My kids also do sports, hobbies, activities, concerts etc. So giving me a month's notice of a party on 30th November isn't going to make a difference to me if I know they also have a concert on that night. Even if I'm invited 6 weeks ahead and don't know the date of the concert, the concert is what they will be going to because that's what they've been practicing weeks/months for. So even if I've accepted a date 6 weeks ahead, something is likely to pop up in the meantime which means we might not be able to make it.

With 4 children all in various activities you can be fairly sure we rarely have nothing on! But that doesn't mean giving me 6 weeks notice will make me more likely to be available for a party! And sometimes, when life is so hectic and busy, sometimes it is really nice to have a weekend where we have nothing to do, nowhere to go.

Luckily where I'm from invitations come out a week or 2 before a party. And it's pretty easy to RSVP yes or no in that time.

thankfully people are more considerate here, and it's unheard of to send an invitation so late - unless it's a last minute one because they don't have enough guests or the first batch has declined, which is fine.

6 weeks makes a huge difference for me, and I need the advance notice - and again, people here seem to agree as no one send any last minute invitation.

I am not rude enough to accept and change my mind later because something better "pops up" and I am organised enough to know the important dates.

No way should you invite those boys. If you had done this to my bullies as a child I wouldn't attend the party, it would be a huge betrayal.

If they ask why they were not invited, just say that from recent behaviour it has become clear they don't like DD so wouldn't want to attend anyway.

I am organised enough to know the important dates.

Well, I know between now and Christmas there will be many dates added that I don't know about yet. There will be various Christmas concerts. Performances at different events that have not been confirmed yet. Concerts and performances that they have been practicing all year for will take priority over a party! The party child is unlikely to miss a child who may not be able to attend. Whereas a band depending on a certain number of members is likely to notice more.

I am not in charge of any of these dates so must wait to be informed.

I think if in the area I'm in people handed out invitations to a child's party 6-8 weeks in advance you'd have plenty people thinking you were gone odd!!

I suppose whatever suits in the circles you move in.

Concerts and performances that they have been practicing all year for will take priority over a party!

I don't disagree, but I would have a strong word with any organisation that hasn't confirmed all the Christmas-related events by the beginning of November. it's ridiculous.

I will let them know, immediately

Please don’t cancel your daughter’s party OP because you have cocked up the invitation process.

Paper invitations stopped around where we live (also London/Surrey) years ago, which avoids having to get any poor teachers involved in party planning - even the well-organised parties, never mind where there is likely to be some fall-out.

Process which works well here: birthday child’s parents check first with birthday child’s closest friends’ parents to see if they can make the party date. A temporary WhatsApp group is then put together by host parent for all invitees. All details of the party are posted on said group. No paper invitations. Party happens. WhatsApp group is dissolved - until the next one.

As a mum who DID invite my DDs bullies to her similar age parties as DD didn't want to "be as bad as them & leave people out" so insisted on inviting them to all her birthday parties. I was proud if DD for her stance in it, but it taught the bullies nothing & by year 6 we were removing her from the school. DD is now 17 & the ring leader is still obsessed with & bitching about DD at any chance she gets. She was always a pushy mare, so made sure she was front of photo if ever a camera came out, so spoils DD looking back at old photos. The other girls have all apologised over the years, but not the madam orchestrating it all from a scarily young age. DD thankfully isn't bothered now & laughs about how sad & desperate to make DD look bad this girl still is, but it was a really hard time fir her when small & with hindsight I should have put my foot down & not invited them

Love the fact that OP has repeatedly said her DD is not being bullied and 90% of posters are moaning about OP not believing and supporting her DD. What her DD has actually said is that she hates the boys,

DD is also "freaked out" by the thought of these boys coming to her party. You are minimising & dismissing the DD's feelings, @UpToonGirl.

Also Otherwise just go ahead, keep a close eye on things and explain to your DD you had already told them about it.

FFS the child has very clearly expressed that she does not wish these boys to attend. No wonder grown women have trouble speaking out against pests, if they are brought up like this with absolutely zero autonomy for their personal preferences.

If OP invites the 3 boys despite her DD's express desire not to have them, what is she teaching her about the power of consent?

I’d not invite them, your child has expressed she doesn’t want them there, why would you still invite them? I don’t invite people out on my birthday I don’t like and I don’t expect my children to either, quite simple really. Who cares if you texted “save the date” (who does this for a kids party haha?). Just don’t send an invite. If they ask just say oh sorry mix up.

It’s a scavenger hunt in the woods with a bonfire, toasted marshmallow and pizza at the end. I booked it because I knew she’d have an amazing time...maybe not if these boys come though

A scavenger hunt sounds great. However, if you do go ahead and invite these boys will you be able to closely supervise where they are and what they are doing? With regards to your DD's reaction to invitations, I would definitely not invite the 3 boys responsible for her upset.

In my children's childhood whole class parties weren't a 'thing'. However both my grandchildren did have whole class parties while they were in reception. After that just friends up to a maximum of 10 have been the norm.

I think early message on WhatsApp is a great idea for a late November/December birthday.

I wouldn't exclude just 3 children from whole class party unless they were actually bullying her. I would say to dd there are 2 options

1. invite less than half the class so 3 boys aren't left out
2. invite them all, they might not come and if they do I will keep a close eye on them and not let them bother you.

If she is in fear and distress as others have said of course dont invite the boys but from your posts that is not what I am picking up.

Inviting everyone in the class apart from those 3 would be bullying by exclusion consequences for actions.

Advocate for your daughter and don't teach her to be a pushover/that her feelings don't matter.

Could you invite them but when the parents rsvp let them know about the issue and that you want them to stay at the party to supervise their kids?

Alternatively if you are feeling brave enough let the parents know they won’t be getting an invite and why.

WhatsApp save the date is absolutely a thing here, too.

It means if your dc has a birthday coming up then you know 'oh it's already Maya's party on the 30th, which would have been my first choice of date - I'll have my dc's party the following week then so they don't clash/talk to Maya's parents to see if they'd want to arrange a joint do as they are such good friends/carry on regardless as Maya is having all girls & my ds will be happy just to ask the boys' etc etc.

OP I think I'd talk this one through with your dd - explain that you've already invited the whole class so it would be unkind to leave out 3 - she presumably would be sad to be on the receiving end of this? Explain that it would be rude & mean.

So the options then are: carry on & invite the lot OR scale it back so you invite no more than half the class.

I really doubt anyone would mind - quick follow up message on the WhatsApp group saying 'sorry everyone - we are having a smaller group than originally planned - realised I'd got rather carried away & chosen activity would be impractical with a whole class! I'm an idiot; half term brain! Sorry again for spamming the group, will set up a separate group'.

The kids in the class will have forgotten all about the party over half term, if they aren't particular friends of dd's. & if anyone does say anything to her about it, she can just blame you 'I wanted to invite the whole class but mum wouldn't let me'.

The parents won't, I imagine, give it another thought beyond a) mild relief that they don't have to buy a gift & ferry their dc, or possibly b) mild irritation because they'd pencilled it in & avoided making other plans...no big deal. It's a fun afternoon in the woods, not a wedding in Maui .

The OP's Daughter isn't being bullied!!

OP has said so several times.

Thank you so much for those who understand the save the date! Just to reiterate as I think most haven’t RTWT, 2 or 3 days before the kids were off for 2 weeks the party was finalzed at the venue leaving me not enough time to get the paper invites out before the kids were off for 2 weeks. Had I handed them out yesterday or today to the class it would have left 12 days till her party, far FAR too late ( in this strange bubble I seem to live in where people actually appreciate time to plan things in advance) for most kids to turn up. The problem was the 2 weeks OFF school that is could’nt get the paper invites out! Unless I wanted to go door to door...and that would have been weird. Why is this so hard to grasp??

So pop it in the class what’s app group, job done, parents are aware of the date, I rest easy with knowing I’ve got time to get invites out...!

Don't invite the bullies. It's not as if you are leaving 1 out. Don't bother with save the dates in future.

Perhaps politically you could downsize the party 'as original plan fell through' 🤪🤔. Up the number not invited to include others she really doesn't play with.
However my choice would be to invite all but 3 she has issues with. Raise with school the ongoing problems. If parents still complain let them know they aren't currently getting on and your daughter was adament she wouldn't go if they did. And add that hopefully it'll all blow over and be fine next year..

Going against the grain - we don’t know if anybody gets bullied, and who the bullie is if there is indeed anything going in. 6 year olds are not reliable for this and the daughter said she hasn’t been bullied!
Excluding 3 kids out of thr whole class is bound to escalate whatever is going on.
i would cancel the existing party, and do a much smaller one instead, with her close friends.

Why are you inviting kids your daughter 'hates' to her own party??

Because I did t know she hated them until she saw the invites! Jesus! I have to keep repeating myself. RTWT! She has never breathed a word of not getting along with anyone except her nursery BFF who is one of the boys she hates...who she’s always had an up and down relationship with! They were best friends 6 months ago! I have literally never met or heard of the other 2 boys. School hasn’t said anything to me, her teacher, her brother, anyone. How was I to know? She was happy to have a class party, it’s actually very common here, in Y1. All the sudden her and her 2 friends hate these 3 boys! If I had known that I obviously wouldn’t have bloody invited them would I?!!

And actually messolini because my daughter freaked out when she heard the boys were invited does that automatically mean she’s being bullied? Why? How? Can she just NOT get on with someone? Why does that automatically make these 3 boys bullies? Seriously, how do you come to that conclusion ? It’s actually a very serious thing in our school to accuse someone of bullying. Because she doesn’t like them / they her, doesn’t AUTOMATICALLY mean they are bullying her does it. Or does it to you?

And actually messolini because my daughter freaked out when she heard the boys were invited does that automatically mean she’s being bullied?

No. But you now wondering if it is bullying at all seems a huge about-face from your OP, which paints a picture of a quite distressed DD:

who chase her and tease her A LOT and gang up on her and her 2 best friends. She is adamant she doesn’t want them coming to the party. I knew that she had issues with one in particular but didn’t know about the other 2 ... I didn’t expect her to have such a strong reaction about inviting them, however she REALLY freaked outconfused and says she won’t go if they go