To invite “unwanted”guests?

[Luckybe40]

DD is turning 6, we are having a class party for her at the end of November, in about 3 weeks time. I’m just sorting the invites now to go in the school bags of her classmates tomorrow, although I already sent a message on the class what’s app 3 weeks ago to save the date for that particular day for DD’s party. DD having seen me writing the invites, has informed me that there are 3 boys in the class that she doesn’t get on with and who chase her and tease her A LOT and gang up on her and her 2 best friends. She is adamant she doesn’t want them coming to the party. I knew that she had issues with one in particular but didn’t know about the other 2. I don’t really know if I just shouldn’t send them an invitation, and hope the parents forget( not likely) or invite them against her wishes and save face. I didn’t expect her to have such a strong reaction about inviting them, however she REALLY freaked out and says she won’t go if they go... She used to be best friends with her “big” enemy and I thought it was just a blip and not a big deal...but apparently not! Anyone have experience? I’ve already sent out a save the date so...pretty sure I have to invite them but don’t want them to upset her party. She’s been telling me a few things they’ve been doing to her and it doesn’t sound great...

When my DD was of a similar age, I got a phone call at work from her school completely out of the blue and was asked to come in ASAP. Of I went and it turned out that my DD has not been eating any of her hot dinners for weeks and weeks because of these 3 boys who would intimidate and bully her at lunch time for no reason whatsoever. She was absolutely terrified of these boys during meals (luckily there didn’t seem to be an issue outside of that context) and I had absolutely no idea at all. By chance, one of the teaching assistants realised what was happening, I was informed, we had a serious discussion with the headteacher and DD. the boys were severely disciplined for their behaviour. From then on DD had packed lunches for a while which meant she could sit with some of her best friends.
Do not dismiss your DD’s reaction, side with her and don’t invite the boys. She may be really upset about them and I don’t think kids make up stories like that at 6 years of age. It’s her party and she needs to enjoy it.

Invite them. Explain to your DD that by not inviting them when you have told them they're invited, and inviting everyone else, you are simply repeating the type of behaviour she says they have exhibited.
Then watch them at the party and make your own judgement and deal with that.
Boys and girls play differently. It may only be that.
Either way, you will get to see it for yourself, and can act based on that rather than the testimony of a 5 year old.

Save the date for a six-year-old's party. Ye Gods.

Inviting everyone in the class apart from those 3 would be bullying by exclusion

What a strange world we live in where not inviting people you don’t like to your party is now seen as bullying.

I thought save the dates for a wedding were a bit excessive but for a birthday party?

Would either invite them or as previously suggested tone down the whole thing and invite less than half. That might be a better option if she is talking about not going herself. I have got 2 DDs in Year 2 and have been clear to them since reception that everyone or very few get invited, you never leave a small number out. Have you seen them at other whole class parties and how have they interacted with your DD? Do you think they are genuinely unpleasant or just being silly?

If your child has told you she's being teased, shouted at, hit and kicked by 3 other children, that is what you should be concentrating on right now, not a bloody party.

Forget the party for a moment, go into school and sort that out!

When it's sorted, then think about whether to invite them or not.

But get your priorities straight here.

I think you need to do more digging. Since you thought it was a friendship blip, I'd be chatting a bit more with your DD to see if there are any other dynamics eg has DD discussed the party with other DCs and that's impacting on who she wants to invite?
Then I'd also chat to the teacher.
Telling everyone you're inviting the entire class and then dropping three is mean, especially since friendships can be so fluid at that age. I also wouldn't rule out inviting them so you can observe the dynamic. The school may not be on top of what's going on but you can definitely be on top of it at your party and then you can always go back to the school if necessary.

Don't invite them but I would talk to the parents to explain why they are not invited. Hopefully that would also help resolve the issue if they told their kids what they are doing is unkind.

Invite them all… to your DD's fairy princess party!

Inviting everyone in the class apart from those 3 would be bullying by exclusion

^I couldn’t care less. There is no way on earth I would invite my child bullys to her birthday party.

Okay, just to clarify the save the date...I don’t think my daughters party is the next socialite party of the year, nor am I particularly precious, but rather after much to and froing with the venue, her party wasn’t confirmed until just a few days before half term. Unfortunately being a fairly disorganised parent ( although I do try my best!) I didn’t get the paper invites sorted before half term. As soon as it was confirmed I sent a message on our WhatsApp class group asking people to save the date to ensure she gets the best turn out and to inform parents the paper invites to follow with further details. They’ve just gone back today. Invites are usually sent out 4-6 weeks in advance and 13 days notice just isn’t enough around here. (Is it anywhere?)
In terms of the bullying, as I’ve previously stated, there hasn’t been anything mentioned by anyone at school about bullying by these boys and they have an extremely low tolerance to bullying at the school. She’s never even mentioned ever 2 of the boys she doesn’t want to come, ever and the other boy she has had a love hate relationship since reception. In terms of the “kicking” she says goes on, it’s the first I’ve heard of it. She also has a DB who is 2 years older who watches over her like a hawk at school and he says he hasn’t seen such behaviour. Like all of us, I’d never tolerate any bullying towards my DD and certainly wouldn’t invite them to her party! She’s just gone 6 as of a few days ago and might be prone to exaggeration. Her teacher hasn’t said anything about her being bullied either.
It’s a class party because she ( due to financial hardship didn’t get a big birthday party and it’s definitely her turn to have something special (hence the big class party. ) Id also like to reciprocate as she’s been invited to many class parties last year and a few this year.

didnt get a birthday party last year

This is just ridiculous for a 6th birthday party. The curse of social media.
Just invite her friends. Presumeably the parents of her actual friends have a vague idea that her birthday us coming up anyway? Hardly a surprise she may be having a party.
Invite them round, Do something fun. Eat cake. Job done.

Don’t think kids do actually think big parties are fun. Too much competition for everything, from food to attention.

My view is if you are doing a class party then all need to be invited. As a pp said, you could reassure your DD that said boys will be watched like a hawk and their parents called if they misbehave.

Re: the bullying. I had a similar issue with my DD in Reception class. She kept telling me all these things that one of the boys was doing to her (chasing, hitting, pushing etc). I asked for a meeting with her teacher to discuss and was told that they knew nothing about the problems and hadn't seen any issues. Their advise was that she should tell him to stop, and if he carried on for her to tell a teacher. She did this and it stopped within a month.

Perhaps you could tell your DD to try something similar with these boys. Get her to tell them that she doesn't like what they are doing and if they don't stop then she will get/tell a teacher. Perhaps if her friends are with her as well, the teacher can't ignore 3 girls who are telling them the same thing.

Hope this helps and that all goes well with the party!

Flamedtoacrisp not a fairy nor a princess party I’m afraid, more like a scavenger hunt in muddy woods, but thanks for making me feel a million times worse. Which was obviously your intention. There’s actually a person at the other end here. No need to be so unkind.

Flamedtoacrisp not a fairy nor a princess party I’m afraid, more like a scavenger hunt in muddy woods, but thanks for making me feel a million times worse. Which was obviously your intention. There’s actually a person at the other end here. No need to be so unkind.

Umm...what? I wasn't saying your child is being precious - I just meant if you give it a girly theme, the bully-boys won't want to come.

So...Lemme get this straight...your thinking to invite your daughters bullies to her birthday party ?!?! 🤦‍♀️

You sent a save the date. You probably shouldn't have but you did.

I don't think you can now exclude 3 boys from the formal invitation. Certainly not unless you send out another whassapp saying "had to downsize party so sorry"

So either go ahead with the actual party and explain to your child how you set it up. OR explain to the class you have had to downsize the party and then do that - NOT just excluding 3 children but having a smaller party.

Byt your priority should actually be figuring out what is going on with your child than the other children and whether she is being bullied/upset. Talk to the teacher.

You are focused on the party but the reality is your young child is having a hard time at school - you also need to deal with that.

flamedtoacrisp of my god, I’m so sorry! I completely misread your response, I’m so sorry. I’m obviously feeling a bit delicate! Please accept my apologies!

Good shout by the way!!

So OP this is actually really simple and I think you are overly invested in saving face

1. go back on what’s app and post a breezy message like ‘sorry folks I got carried away with pre-holiday madness and wasn’t clear about DD’s party. Just so you know my DD’s party is only for x number of children. Apologies we can’t cater for everyone, you know how it goes. I’ll drop the invites into school this week.’

1. And then invite whoever your DD wants and no-one else If that means everyone except these 3 boys then so be it. And if any of their parents complain, tell them why

1. And then talk to the teacher about your DD’s issues with these boys and how they can be resolved

Cancel is then reschedule for another date with a small handful of her friends.

I’ve worked in classrooms and kids tend to hang round in small groups - when a birthday is approaching you get the odd one child wrangle for an invite and then dump the birthday child he party. These 30 kids aren’t your child’s friends. They probably never mix.

Choose a few and do something special.

Thank you everyone for your responses. I’m not focused on the party, this has all literally unfolded in the last 3 hours. I will definitely be speaking to the teachers tomorrow! For what it’s worth, I don’t think she’s being bullied, I think she has a playground battle going on. I think it’s 3 girls against these 3 boys, she says herself she’s not being bullied. From what I’ve seen, she always gives as good as she gets. The only thing she says is that she hates these 3 boys...But I will be investing this much further. I’m not sure why everyone is fixated on my save the date message! The save the date is a red herring, if I had been on the ball everyone would have got a paper invite, 3 weeks ago and there wouldn’t have been a save the date messages, like I have explained, the save the date was because it was half term. If I had waited to give paper invites there would only be 13 days before the party which isn’t enough notice.
What I should have done is not assumed that she would be happy everyone coming to her party! Like I said, this is the first time I’ve EVER heard that she doesn’t get on with the 3 boys, (except the one in particular who was her bestest friend for years....since nursery but their relationship has always been up & down. ) it’s not just her, it’s her and 2 other little girls against 3 other boys in her class. She’s very popular, clever and always has other children wanting to play with her. There’s never been an issue at any parties, etc and no one has breathed a word of concern other than she’s brilliant, happy and has lots of friends. I’ll definitely be speaking to her teacher tomorrow though.