To ask what to do about brother’s CF girlfriend?

[bonedigger]

I was happy when I heard my brother was in a relationship, he is late 50s now and has been single for 20 odd years. He doesn't go out much or do anything so I was shocked. His partner is someone he was friends with in school who got back in touch with him. Will call her N.

I have never actually met N, I will add. Though our sister has when the 3 of them went for a drink together and she said N was quiet the whole time and looking down, and whenever DB went off to the toilet N wouldn't say a word and just nodded at my sister's attempts to try and make conversation. Soon after this meetup N adds me on Facebook, neither my brother nor my sister are on there. I didn't think much of it and added her back.

Then the weirdness started, she attempted to add my DD19, and my 23 year old son's girlfriend (will call her DIL as easier). Both rejected her request, neither of them knew her from adam and they both live away from home so don't keep up with DB's love life. After they both rejected her request she sent me a message saying

"Would you mind telling (DD) and (DIL) that I'm (DB's) partner as I would like to add you all x".

Thought it was odd but didn't want to be rude so asked them both to add her which they did. Then the bombardment started, every time me DD, or DIL posted something she was ready to respond. It is very strange, all 3 of us say that whenever we post something, within one minute she has replied every time without fail. Keep in mind she has never met any of us. DD tends to post lots of inside jokes on Facebook which are obviously aimed at her friends, and N always comments asking her to explain. DD updated her profile pic and N shared it onto her page and captioned it "Beautiful step-niece!". DD was very uncomfortable.

She comments on everything I post, asks me to elaborate on throwaway comments constantly. If I tag my friend to an event that I think we'd both be interested in, N hijacks the post and says "This looks very good!". She has started adding all of my friends every time I post on their wall. One day she sent me a message along the lines of "How did your grandma pass away as (DB) says he doesnt know and there's a lot of secrecy there xx". I thought it was hugely fucking cheeky. None of us know what happened to our grandma anyway as she died before we came along and our mum never liked to talk about it. I didn't reply and she kept sending me other little messages.

DIL and DS recently found out that DIL is expecting, they are keeping it low-key and quiet until she is in the 2nd trimester as she had a miscarriage last year. The only people in our family who were told were me, DD, Dsis and DB. They expected N to be told by DB, wasn't a problem originally. Anyway, DIL and DS told everyone not to talk about it or mention it online etc, and I know for a fact DB told N not to talk about it either.

Today DIL posted something completely unrelated on Facebook and N of course comments underneath "You must be excited about baby, when are you due xx". Cue all of DIL's friends and work colleuges etc bombarding her with "OMG are you pregnant?" posts. DIL specifically only wanted close family knowing at this stage and then suddenly everybody knew. DIL then promplty blocked N as did DD out of anger.

Now N has sent me a message asking what she has done to upset DD and DIL. WIBU to tell her to get lost for doing that to DIL? Except I don't want to upset DB and I don't even think she's doing it maliciously, she's just a bit odd and doesn't understand boundaries.

R u likely to see N much? Does she have ur phone number? I'd unfriend her, tell DB to have a word with her as to why you've unfriended and just keep it civil with her I. E at arms length. Sounds like N doesnt have many friends and perhaps wants to be in a family type unit but the poor mare doesn't have a clue how to act

Re the autistic suggestion, if that is the case, it depends very much exactly how DB phrased it.

She might have thought he intended her not to make her own post about it on her wall. Rather than that he objected to her mentioning it on one of DIL's posts.

Never mind the fact that you all think this is blatantly obvious. The point is that when someone doesn't understand social rules, so follows exactly what they are told, you need to be very careful what you instruct them, or they may break the rule without intending to, especially if no or incomplete context/reasoning was provided.

And she would probably remember the exact wording better than him, so he may insist he told her not to, but he may be remembering the sentiment behind his edict, whereas she remembers the actual words, which she took at face value.

Lola haha you again, have I picked up a stalker😂

If you bothered to read properly, you'll also notice that I queried if the DB had actually passed on the full message to N & that she may not have even been told to keep the pregnancy quiet.

Most of us would know the social rule would be to hold off until you know for sure it's announced, & the behaviour description of me fits my experience ASD & by the looks of it, a hell of a lot of others on this thread too, nobody is diagnosing, just offering suggestions for explaining the odd behaviour. You might see manipulative bitches & head fucks at every turn, not all of us do.

Mind you having seen your replies on the other disabled thread, no surprise you'd rather label her a nasty bitch, than have some compassion- I'm done now, no need to stalk me any further 😉

It doesn't sound like she is intentional making a nuisance of herself or being deliberately malicious, I think it sounds more likely she is simply trying to ingratiate herself with the people who are important to her boyfriend but obviously going the wrong way about it.

I personally would answer her, I would tell her why your daughter/daughter-in-law deleted/blocked her and then I would speak in person to your brother.

The thing is I am sure you don't want to damage the relationship you have with him, so I would gently try to resolve it at first.

That was meant to say "intentionally" not "intentional".

It doesn't sound like she is intentional making a nuisance of herself or being deliberately malicious, I think it sounds more likely she is simply trying to ingratiate herself with the people who are important to her boyfriend

How are the ops friends important to her boyfriend?
There is no-one on FB he considers important, he hasn't got an account.
How is adding strangers not intentional or asking op to tell others to accept requests, when they had been declined?

Yea we all make mistakes with fb friends thing. I've accidentally sent a request. But quickly deleted it. I have had requests denied, it happens. Haven't run off to a mutual friend and asked to talk to that person.
Only people I know who crawl through mates and add them are the type who adds everyone they come into contact with. Kind of like this person.

She may not have realised with her message that she was basically making it public (depends on her grasp of SM), she may not have understood the prohibition, she may have deliberately done it to either get close to your DIL or look like she was- its hard to tell without knowing her.
I would tell her directly what she did wrong and make sure your DB knows as well (in case he was at fault) and then block.
Personally I think you should have just said no /supported your DS/DD when they didn't add her.

I think the grandmother thing is possibly odder. I would try and meet her so I could understand where she is coming from.

Mind you having seen your replies on the other disabled thread, no surprise you'd rather label her a nasty bitch, than have some compassion- I'm done now, no need to stalk me any further
I hadn't even realised it was you.

But on another thread you've accused me of being ignorant for giving a different view of some exam access arrangements that doesn't fit your opinion (whilst also commenting on how appalling the system is to get proper support for many). Please don't jump around threads trying to spout nonsense.

On this this thread, you've called me a stalker (for commenting on two threads in a couple of days and) told me I need to have compassion for saying it's more likely that someone who has behaved like this girlfriend is more likely to be stirring than getting to her 40s without realising you don't go digging with strangers about their dead relative's or announcing their pregnancy on social media (something many people have said on this thread)

Of course, if it's not your opinion though it must be totally wrong. Noted.

Oops. I probably shouldn't have replied to challenge your claims. It'll probably lead to another reply that interaction on 2 threads is absolutely proof of stalking now

I would agree that she sounds socially awkward.

I would explain politely to her that this was news that DDIL had wanted to share herself when the time was right and that she is upset that someone else has told everyone. Reiterate that DB should have told her this (he may not have)

Agree with those who have said to change your settings so that she only sees a small amount of stuff. I wouldn't block her completely, I think that's unkind for a genuine mistake. Obviously if your DC want to block her that's their call.

Lola, seems it's not just a compassiin transplant that you need, but a sense of humour too 🙄

Come on OP, update us please? I hate it when people do this!

What happened OP?