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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To ask what to do about brother’s CF girlfriend?

138 replies

bonedigger · 04/11/2019 18:26

I was happy when I heard my brother was in a relationship, he is late 50s now and has been single for 20 odd years. He doesn't go out much or do anything so I was shocked. His partner is someone he was friends with in school who got back in touch with him. Will call her N.

I have never actually met N, I will add. Though our sister has when the 3 of them went for a drink together and she said N was quiet the whole time and looking down, and whenever DB went off to the toilet N wouldn't say a word and just nodded at my sister's attempts to try and make conversation. Soon after this meetup N adds me on Facebook, neither my brother nor my sister are on there. I didn't think much of it and added her back.

Then the weirdness started, she attempted to add my DD19, and my 23 year old son's girlfriend (will call her DIL as easier). Both rejected her request, neither of them knew her from adam and they both live away from home so don't keep up with DB's love life. After they both rejected her request she sent me a message saying

"Would you mind telling (DD) and (DIL) that I'm (DB's) partner as I would like to add you all x".

Thought it was odd but didn't want to be rude so asked them both to add her which they did. Then the bombardment started, every time me DD, or DIL posted something she was ready to respond. It is very strange, all 3 of us say that whenever we post something, within one minute she has replied every time without fail. Keep in mind she has never met any of us. DD tends to post lots of inside jokes on Facebook which are obviously aimed at her friends, and N always comments asking her to explain. DD updated her profile pic and N shared it onto her page and captioned it "Beautiful step-niece!". DD was very uncomfortable.

She comments on everything I post, asks me to elaborate on throwaway comments constantly. If I tag my friend to an event that I think we'd both be interested in, N hijacks the post and says "This looks very good!". She has started adding all of my friends every time I post on their wall. One day she sent me a message along the lines of "How did your grandma pass away as (DB) says he doesnt know and there's a lot of secrecy there xx". I thought it was hugely fucking cheeky. None of us know what happened to our grandma anyway as she died before we came along and our mum never liked to talk about it. I didn't reply and she kept sending me other little messages.

DIL and DS recently found out that DIL is expecting, they are keeping it low-key and quiet until she is in the 2nd trimester as she had a miscarriage last year. The only people in our family who were told were me, DD, Dsis and DB. They expected N to be told by DB, wasn't a problem originally. Anyway, DIL and DS told everyone not to talk about it or mention it online etc, and I know for a fact DB told N not to talk about it either.

Today DIL posted something completely unrelated on Facebook and N of course comments underneath "You must be excited about baby, when are you due xx". Cue all of DIL's friends and work colleuges etc bombarding her with "OMG are you pregnant?" posts. DIL specifically only wanted close family knowing at this stage and then suddenly everybody knew. DIL then promplty blocked N as did DD out of anger.

Now N has sent me a message asking what she has done to upset DD and DIL. WIBU to tell her to get lost for doing that to DIL? Except I don't want to upset DB and I don't even think she's doing it maliciously, she's just a bit odd and doesn't understand boundaries.

OP posts:

AloeVeraLynn · 04/11/2019 19:47

I would unfriend her, if not block her entirely. I think it's important to have your son and DIL's back on this one. Thats the more important relationship.

VeThings · 04/11/2019 19:48

Go back with a message as Madness suggested. I’d leave out the first sentence “you were told not to mention the pregnancy on social media“ as that just invites a response that she didn’t know etc (even though you know she knew).

With the rest of the message, it’s clear and straightforward. You could tweak to
”you can see for yourself that X hasn't posted anything online about it herself and you've massively overstepped the boundaries. She is upset that friends and work colleagues found out this way, when if was her news to tell.”

Castieldeansam · 04/11/2019 19:49

Without knowing her, why did they firstly friend her, secondly not immediately block what she can see?

BlueJava · 04/11/2019 19:51

I don't want to make excuses for her but she sounds lonely. She also may not understand who can see what - my MIL put on my facebook page "Hi Blue, how did your job interview go?" She was completely clueless but once it was explained to her about private/public messages she's been ok. Good luck with her though if you decide not to block her!!

Pussinboots25 · 04/11/2019 19:51

She seems lonely / socially awkward and is maybe trying to reach out? It’s easier online than in person. Although the pregnancy comment is out of order, she clearly didn’t do it on purpose

Kanga83 · 04/11/2019 19:52

I would respond and tell her exactly why, reiterate a few boundaries and tell her she is being blocked. You have been far too accommodating. I have none of my family except from my mum on fb- I have actively blocked the lot of them before they can add me and this drama follows.

KanelbulleKing · 04/11/2019 19:54

I think your DB must be dating my mother. Delete and block. It's the only way to maintain your sanity.

Eventrider1 · 04/11/2019 19:56

My dad thought he was posting a message to his sister to tell her about my pregnancy when i was only 8 weeks. Instead, he posted it on his wall for everyone to see. I only found out when I got bombarded with congratulations messages. I was livid for about an hour and then got over it.
However, she seems like a right creep, so I would just tell her she way overstepped and block her.

CodenameVillanelle · 04/11/2019 19:59

She's not accidentally posting stuff thinking it's private. She knows perfectly well.

ActualHornist · 04/11/2019 20:01

I agree with this: Tell her straight that she embarrassed your daughter in law and ruined the special moment of announcing her pregnancy for her. Add in. As you are neither family nor a close friend, we expected you to understand that it was not your news to share

Then put her on restricted or just delete her. My cousins cousins (ones that I’ve never met before) comment on everything I comment on of theirs and are always trying to add me - it’s bloody weird so I decline.

ffswhatnext · 04/11/2019 20:03

Oh come on, she isn't a FB tech newbie. She knows how to PM people, she knows how to post on walls.
It's not an excuse that she maybe socially inept, lonely or whatever, it shouldn't be the ops fault.

And why go to the db? He didn't send the op the request. He didn't ask the op to ask her adult dc to accept. He's not even on FB. That should have been the first clue to decline. She actively searched you out. You do what you want to do about it. Let others do what they want to do about it. Stop accepting random people you don't know. And don't ask your children to add people. Although mine would have rightfully told me no, and blocked the person themselves.

And if you really have to message
How dare you announce another couple pregnancy news. I cannot believe you have been extremely rude to do this. I don't want to know your excuse because there is none. You have deprived the parents to be of something special to them. I hope you are happy with yourself. It was bad enough that you forced yourself onto their lives and that of my friends. Goodbye. Deleted and blocked.

LiveRightNow · 04/11/2019 20:03

The fact she was quiet in person but is overbearing online makes me agree with others that I suspect she is socially awkward. She obviously sees you as family and all the sharing and commenting is her way of engaging with you all. That said obviously it was totally wrong to post about the pregnancy and I don't blame your DIL for blocking her. I'd probably assume it wasn't malicious. She's asked if she upset DIL so just reply yes and tell her why. If she's made a mistake she'll be genuinely mortified.

LemonPrism · 04/11/2019 20:05

If just delete her off of there. If she has an issue with it she can say so and you can say that she dropped a bomb into DILs life without thought.

I'd just be honest. Or ask your DB to have a word

leomama81 · 04/11/2019 20:05

One behaves just like this on social media and tries to force the appearance of a depth of relationship that doesn't exist.

This is what she's doing. If she did indeed know she wasn't supposed to mention anything, then she is deliberately trying to mark a kind of relationship territory - oh look, I'm so close to this family that I know this news that no one else does! It certainly sounds from her other activity that that is her aim, like her sharing the picture of her "beautiful step niece" - it seems quite calculated, not an accidental post by someone clueless about FB.

carly2803 · 04/11/2019 20:14

tell her, speakto your brother - block !!

tell your family to do the same

i cant decide if shes unhinged or just socially awkward

KatharinaRosalie · 04/11/2019 20:17

Honestly sounds like my MIL, who is not a malicious woman the least, but is still very confused about how facebook works, what to post where and who can see which comments. Maybe she's just clueless and/or DB really didn't make it clear it's a secret?
I'd tell her why DIL is upset. And put her on restricted list, so she wouldn't see any interesting posts.

Runnerduck34 · 04/11/2019 20:19

I was feeling sorry for her as i think she sounds socially awkward and is trying to reach out and make friends but she definitely overstepped the mark by mentioning the pregnancy, whether that was intentional or as a result of poor awareness of social norms and difficulties communicating only your db can tell, I assume you know for certain he told her it was a secret? she owes your Dil and ds an apology and they have every right to be upset.

Mamasaurus82 · 04/11/2019 20:22

I hope you all get an apology. Speak to DB but make sure she understands what's happened. She sounds as if she's not that clued up on social norms/ how to behave.

CalmdownJanet · 04/11/2019 20:23

Just text her "Look honestly I hope you make my brother happy, he deserves it but me, x & x do not know you, have never met you and you are so over familiar it's actually been making us uncomfortable for a while but what you did to dil was completely unacceptable. We are all blocking you now. Happy to put it down to different ways of using social media and be nice if we ever meet but we won't be social media friends"

namechange4052 · 04/11/2019 20:27

Ah, I feel sorry for her. I too would be extremely annoyed if I was the DIL in this situation, but N clearly struggles socially and it sounds like she has been trying really hard (albeit getting it all wrong and totally misunderstanding social cues).

Brefugee · 04/11/2019 20:30

Tell her straight and get everyone who initially didn't want to add her, to unfriend and block.

Why people make this drama about "please add me" when you don't know them (and then people do add them) is baffling

Stuckinanutshell · 04/11/2019 20:33

As you say, I doubt it’s malicious.

My aunt is in her 60s and her interactions on SM are at best laughable and at worst cringe inducing. She uses LOL for ‘lots of love’ and I’ve seen her comment on posts announcing the passing of a loved one with ‘LOL’. She (how this happened is beyond me) directly messaged a band with the comment ‘I had fun but I don’t much like the lead singer you should audition for a better singer’. I know this because the band (unreasonably IMO) screengrabbed it and named and shamed her. She didn’t realise private messages went to the band directly but couldn’t explain who she thought she was messaging.

She’s also ruined announcements and publicly mentioned scandals - each time she seemed oblivious that these comments were public /eye roll

TLDR: some people really ARE totally shit at SM and don’t understand appropriate behaviour. She does need talking to and I would use this as a reason to limit online contact or to block her.

Belfield · 04/11/2019 20:35

She seems socially awkward. She has asked if they are upset and I would reply very directly. Yes. The pregnancy was a private matter which you have publicly announced. DIL is very upset. I'd leave it at that and speak to your DB in more detail

MyKingdomForBrie · 04/11/2019 20:35

I wouldn't block her, that's totally inflammatory and unnecessary. Just tell her clearly what she has done to upset them, why wouldn't you.

LolaSmiles · 04/11/2019 20:37

Some people are crap at social media, however the fact she's repeatedly overstepping boundaries and trying to give the impression of being in the know isn't right.

Agree with other posters about telling her it's not her place to share baby news

I'd also reflect on whether your kids needed nudging into accepting someone they don't know just to appease a relative's girlfriend.

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