To ask what to do about brother’s CF girlfriend?

[bonedigger]

I was happy when I heard my brother was in a relationship, he is late 50s now and has been single for 20 odd years. He doesn't go out much or do anything so I was shocked. His partner is someone he was friends with in school who got back in touch with him. Will call her N.

I have never actually met N, I will add. Though our sister has when the 3 of them went for a drink together and she said N was quiet the whole time and looking down, and whenever DB went off to the toilet N wouldn't say a word and just nodded at my sister's attempts to try and make conversation. Soon after this meetup N adds me on Facebook, neither my brother nor my sister are on there. I didn't think much of it and added her back.

Then the weirdness started, she attempted to add my DD19, and my 23 year old son's girlfriend (will call her DIL as easier). Both rejected her request, neither of them knew her from adam and they both live away from home so don't keep up with DB's love life. After they both rejected her request she sent me a message saying

"Would you mind telling (DD) and (DIL) that I'm (DB's) partner as I would like to add you all x".

Thought it was odd but didn't want to be rude so asked them both to add her which they did. Then the bombardment started, every time me DD, or DIL posted something she was ready to respond. It is very strange, all 3 of us say that whenever we post something, within one minute she has replied every time without fail. Keep in mind she has never met any of us. DD tends to post lots of inside jokes on Facebook which are obviously aimed at her friends, and N always comments asking her to explain. DD updated her profile pic and N shared it onto her page and captioned it "Beautiful step-niece!". DD was very uncomfortable.

She comments on everything I post, asks me to elaborate on throwaway comments constantly. If I tag my friend to an event that I think we'd both be interested in, N hijacks the post and says "This looks very good!". She has started adding all of my friends every time I post on their wall. One day she sent me a message along the lines of "How did your grandma pass away as (DB) says he doesnt know and there's a lot of secrecy there xx". I thought it was hugely fucking cheeky. None of us know what happened to our grandma anyway as she died before we came along and our mum never liked to talk about it. I didn't reply and she kept sending me other little messages.

DIL and DS recently found out that DIL is expecting, they are keeping it low-key and quiet until she is in the 2nd trimester as she had a miscarriage last year. The only people in our family who were told were me, DD, Dsis and DB. They expected N to be told by DB, wasn't a problem originally. Anyway, DIL and DS told everyone not to talk about it or mention it online etc, and I know for a fact DB told N not to talk about it either.

Today DIL posted something completely unrelated on Facebook and N of course comments underneath "You must be excited about baby, when are you due xx". Cue all of DIL's friends and work colleuges etc bombarding her with "OMG are you pregnant?" posts. DIL specifically only wanted close family knowing at this stage and then suddenly everybody knew. DIL then promplty blocked N as did DD out of anger.

Now N has sent me a message asking what she has done to upset DD and DIL. WIBU to tell her to get lost for doing that to DIL? Except I don't want to upset DB and I don't even think she's doing it maliciously, she's just a bit odd and doesn't understand boundaries.

Sharing someone else's pregnancy news like that, when explicitly told not to, is absolutely disgusting. I'd be fuming!

Send her a message back telling her she's massively overstepped the mark and has really upset your ds and dil. Then block.

I'm gobsmacked you didn't all block her sooner, or at least put her on restricted view.

One day she sent me a message along the lines of "How did your grandma pass away as (DB) says he doesnt know and there's a lot of secrecy there xx"

This was you first red flag OP, a woman you do not know asking for explanations about your family history and implying that there is some level of conspiracy, the second was reposting picture of her "step" niece, the third was the $hit stirring post about the pregnancy, so do not hesitate to block her from whatever you like, she is pushy, insensitive and goady and I do not for one minute believe that she does not understand what she is doing.

She uses private information as currency, to imply that she is close to you all and has an upper hand over others who actually are close to you. She is going to insert herself so far into your private business that you will need a GP to extract her. Tread carefully with this one.

She uses private information as currency, to imply that she is close to you all and has an upper hand over others who actually are close to you.

Have to agree with this. She may well be socially awkward as well, but she’s also coming across as manipulative and, for whatever reason, keen to imply a closer relationship to you and yours than actually exists.

I’d reply to her one of the clear but balanced messages suggested here to explain why you were all upset, say you’re happy that her and DB are happy and hope that you get to know her properly in person one day, but that it’s no longer possible to be friends on social media. And explain the same thing to your DB or copy the exact message so she can’t twist it.

To be honest I wouldn't have accepted her in the first place. I don't accept strangers/friends of friends that I have never met.

Why don't you just tell her exactly what you think?

I don't see what's "am I being unreasonable?" about this.

She's the one being unreasonable.

Just say: "You announced DIL's pregnancy to everyone, with absolutely no right, so now I am blocking you."
And then you don't need to bother with her again.
She sounds unhinged. The red flags are big and frantically flapping.

Explain that she was out of order re pregnancy announcement and block her.

As an autistic, I often make mistakes like this and it's difficult to see what's wrong until someone tells Me

Really? Someone asks you not to do something and your autism means that you don’t understand that doing it anyway is not on?

Honestly her behaviour is so strange it sounds like she may have some MH issues or something, odd how over invested she is online but won't even speak irl according to your sister. Obviously terrible thing to do to your son and DIL but I'd definitely have a chat with your DB about it and see if he can shed more light on why she behaves this way?

Time to block I think !

I'd just respond and say " it was the publicly announcing dils pregnancy to all her friends and acquantances, when she someone whom you have never even met" and leave it there.

Personally I'd go with something like...

"Our family were surprised and upset that you announced DIL's pregnancy. It was not your place to do this at any point, least of all when you were specifically asked not to.

We are all hurt that DIL and (DS name) have had to miss out on the chance to share such exciting news with their own friends and family as you have already done this without any consideration of the effects this would have on everyone else."

I think she's autistic and has poor social skills. She sounds lonely not malicious.

Tell her straight. Explain fully. But cut her some slack. I'd show compassion.

LolaSmiles and PotteringAlong

You both appear to have failed to read the part where I said she may have also forgot.

*I think she's autistic and has poor social skills. She sounds lonely not malicious.

Tell her straight. Explain fully. But cut her some slack. I'd show compassion.*

This.

She sounds a bit like my sister, who is autistic and doesn't manage social media very well but it's a way to keep in touch with everyone. I know that my sister would never be malicious and would be devastated if she thought she upset someone. At the same time, I wouldn't completely trust her to keep something a secret, as she doesn't quite understand the concept, again not her fault, not malicious, just the way her brain works.

xxx

she's just a bit odd and doesn't understand boundaries
Same can be said of you.
You've been enabling her - you even made your DIL and others agree to adding this dingbat on Facebook when they clearly didn't want to and didn't feel comfortable.
You've never dealt with her intrusive and CF behaviour....and even now you're dithering over her feelings instead of asserting boundaries!

I'd tell her exactly what she's done that has pissed everyone off and theneither unfriend or restrict her access on FB so she can't continue obsessing over your lives.

Where's your DB in all this?
Have you never asked him what's going on with her/them that she behaves and says things like these?
Wait til the baby comes along - she'll be expecting you to over-involve her in all of that too.

Even if she has Autism since when did having something become an automatic reason for their actions?

Someone posts about a selfish person, oh they have whatever personality disorder.
That one's a bit violent. Oh, they have such and such.
That one is being a dick. They have such and such.

People can be arseholes because that's them. Regardless of whatever they have. I am getting really fed up with excuses made for person being an arsehole. Do you think it helps those with whatever, that people automatically think of them as a dick simply because of others?

I fall into the social anxiety, mental health, personality disorder camp.
Guess what? I am still an arsehole. None of these gives me a free license to be an arsehole. I chose to be an arsehole. The whatever I have doesn't define me, it's not the complete me, it is a part of me. And being an arsehole is also a part of me. Same as being a mum, a parent, a lover, etc.

'She did it because she's an arsehole, twat, dickhead or whatever. Not because of any perceived diagnosis she may have.

Tell her. Don't tell her.

A friend request, like an invitation, is just that. You are being asked to do something, not told. Huge difference.

TheMagpie
It's a fairly big piece of news and a fairly simple instruction.
If there any hypothetical needs were such that she was incapable of following "do not tell anyone about X's pregnancy" then surely her partner would have not told her?
It's what normally happens if you've got relatives who can't keep their mouths shut.

On balance of probability:
Option 1 - Someone really does have autism to the point where they are incapable of not keeping someone else's pregnancy announcement off social media

Option 2- Someone who has repeatedly tried to insert herself into the lives of strangers, has overstepped and pushed a lot has also decided to reveal someone else's pregnancy announcement.

Option 2 is significantly more likely.

Block her, I can't believe you haven't already...

DB may well not have passed on the important "don't tell" bit, personally I think option 1, with N not having a clue she wasn't meant to say anything as nobody told her & she didn't work it out for herself due to ASD

Yes I think she's just trying to be nice and think of you as her family perhaps you should try and get to know her rather than writing her off as odd. She may have anxiety or social issues although you need to tell her straight about the baby thing as she prob doesn't realise and you can give her the chance to apologise also you can change fb settings so she is still a friend but doesn't see all the posts therefore cannot keep commenting on everything. She sounds like she is trying hard and you are not trying at all

Come on people.
The woman is in her late 40's/early 50's.

Even IF the armchair diagnoses are correct. There is no fucking way she has got to this part of life to know you don't share other peoples news. And IF she has any of these things, he is also an arsehole then for telling her knowing she cannot keep secrets. Considering they've known each other since school, he would know these things.

This isn't some young female in her late teens/early 20's. This is an older lady of what 45+

RockinHippy
You think it's more likely that some speculative armchair diagnosis (usually on MN it's assume autism like a get out of jail free card) of needs so big and profound that a grown woman of 40+ wouldn't know not to out someone else's pregnancy is more likely than someone with a track record of muscling in overstepping?

It's this standard MN thing at times, people couldn't possibly be being an arse, so let's try to clutch at straws as to why they can't possibly be held responsible for their actions.

How is the op not trying?
The woman searched her out and she accepted her request.
The woman friend requested her adult child and wasn't accepted.
The woman contacted op to basically facilitate an unwanted friend request.
The woman has gone through friends lists and added ops mates. They aren't even family.

That isn't wanting to get to know the family. That is wanting to involve yourself in someone else's life. It is really overstepping boundaries. You don't force yourself into someone's life like that.

And an apology has to be meaningful. A forced apology is not worth it. And how can an apology possibly begin to start to make up for what she has done?

Why hasn't the op come back to comment further ? Remember she nor her family have met her so have no idea if she is socially awkward.
It does sound like it to me as I know people on the spectrum like this although some people like to think the worst that she's a cf which she may be . She also mentions that her dB was single for 20 years so I find that unusual too .
I do think it odd that her dB hasn't introduced her to the family and I that shes not mentioned any of this to ask him about her as in any of this she has contacted her not through your her dB .
Obviously I don't know because the op hasn't come back with the answers .
Have you spoke to your dB op ?