To ask what to do about brother’s CF girlfriend?

[bonedigger]

I was happy when I heard my brother was in a relationship, he is late 50s now and has been single for 20 odd years. He doesn't go out much or do anything so I was shocked. His partner is someone he was friends with in school who got back in touch with him. Will call her N.

I have never actually met N, I will add. Though our sister has when the 3 of them went for a drink together and she said N was quiet the whole time and looking down, and whenever DB went off to the toilet N wouldn't say a word and just nodded at my sister's attempts to try and make conversation. Soon after this meetup N adds me on Facebook, neither my brother nor my sister are on there. I didn't think much of it and added her back.

Then the weirdness started, she attempted to add my DD19, and my 23 year old son's girlfriend (will call her DIL as easier). Both rejected her request, neither of them knew her from adam and they both live away from home so don't keep up with DB's love life. After they both rejected her request she sent me a message saying

"Would you mind telling (DD) and (DIL) that I'm (DB's) partner as I would like to add you all x".

Thought it was odd but didn't want to be rude so asked them both to add her which they did. Then the bombardment started, every time me DD, or DIL posted something she was ready to respond. It is very strange, all 3 of us say that whenever we post something, within one minute she has replied every time without fail. Keep in mind she has never met any of us. DD tends to post lots of inside jokes on Facebook which are obviously aimed at her friends, and N always comments asking her to explain. DD updated her profile pic and N shared it onto her page and captioned it "Beautiful step-niece!". DD was very uncomfortable.

She comments on everything I post, asks me to elaborate on throwaway comments constantly. If I tag my friend to an event that I think we'd both be interested in, N hijacks the post and says "This looks very good!". She has started adding all of my friends every time I post on their wall. One day she sent me a message along the lines of "How did your grandma pass away as (DB) says he doesnt know and there's a lot of secrecy there xx". I thought it was hugely fucking cheeky. None of us know what happened to our grandma anyway as she died before we came along and our mum never liked to talk about it. I didn't reply and she kept sending me other little messages.

DIL and DS recently found out that DIL is expecting, they are keeping it low-key and quiet until she is in the 2nd trimester as she had a miscarriage last year. The only people in our family who were told were me, DD, Dsis and DB. They expected N to be told by DB, wasn't a problem originally. Anyway, DIL and DS told everyone not to talk about it or mention it online etc, and I know for a fact DB told N not to talk about it either.

Today DIL posted something completely unrelated on Facebook and N of course comments underneath "You must be excited about baby, when are you due xx". Cue all of DIL's friends and work colleuges etc bombarding her with "OMG are you pregnant?" posts. DIL specifically only wanted close family knowing at this stage and then suddenly everybody knew. DIL then promplty blocked N as did DD out of anger.

Now N has sent me a message asking what she has done to upset DD and DIL. WIBU to tell her to get lost for doing that to DIL? Except I don't want to upset DB and I don't even think she's doing it maliciously, she's just a bit odd and doesn't understand boundaries.

Maybe your db didn't tell her it was a secret? I'd give her the benefit of the doubt on that. Explain why dil is upset then delete her off fb. Explain that it's not a sign of falling out or being unfriendly, you just have to do that to make sure nothing like that happens again. Then delete and block.

I would say what Belfield suggested.
Sounds as if she operates on a "be direct" basis, so she should recognise it when it's batted back.

Etiquette is that until the pregnant women herself has posted something about being pregnant then you don't post anything!
Even if your brother hadn't said anything about no social media, based on how she is stalking you all she would know nothing has been posted by the parents to be and it was inappropriate for her to say something!

Put her on a restricted profile - she won't know that you've done it. She just won't see any new posts.

I do this for work people who have friended me when I don't want them to see very personal posts.

You can post to everyone including her once in while with something very boring and she'll just think you've gone off Facebook.

But you should definitely tell her that it wasn't okay for her to mention the pregnancy online.

Even if he didn't tell her to keep quiet, you would get a huge hint from the expectant parents not posting a damn thing about it.
You wait to tell people until they have announced it, and if they haven't put anything on FB you don't be a dick and post anyway.

I really don't understand why people always look to find a reason, other than they are a dick. I act like a dick at times, I know I do. I don't use my other issues as a reason. Maybe they are as a result of my issues, still doesn't excuse it. Instead of trying to explain away other peoples reasons ask them what it wrong with them, why did they think it was reasonable to do it. Challange them. It hurts their feelings, and? How are people going to realise that certain stuff is unacceptable if they aren't told, and IF there are issues, then a part of her awareness of others she needs to know.

This is why I love the restrict button on fb :)

My Dad is like this, he comments on every single photo I put on FB and gets upset if I don’t like his comments, he announced the birth of my DD on social media before I had (because we were still in hospital) and it didn’t occur to him not to, but he’s my Dad and I know he was excited and he’s not a very empathetic person, so I let it slide.

To be fair her, your DD and your DIL should have unfriended her when she started commenting on everything, it was a sure sign it wasn’t going to end well.

She’s either socially awkward, stupid or attention seeking, but whichever it is I don’t think I could be bothered with her when you don’t even know her.

Unfriend! Simples

I think she has social issues by the sounds of it, not that it makes it right. I’d restrict her and like previous poster said throw in the odd decoy post,

So sorry for your DIL, some people have no idea how important it is to share that special news yourself.

OP hasn’t come back and is a new poster. Never a good sign.

@Dollymixture22 OP posted three hours ago, I hardly think that is cause for concern. Some people have other things to do.

Okay sorry 🙄

She sounds socially inept..

Actually she reminds me of my old housemates mother who would indeed comment on ANYTHING he put on facebook (and when he lived with me anything I put on there too), any 'in joke' she would want explaining, ditto any nerdy terms, anything at all even stuff very clearly absolutely nothing to do with her, she would demand to know every single detail.

It was cringe tastic and I blocked her and he now keeps her on an extremely restricted profile so she see's only what he actually wants her to see.

Lots of ageism on this thread! Facebook is used predominantly by middle aged people and above. People in their 20s wouldn't be seen dead on it!

Just block her.
Agree she deserves a tongue lashing but I'd stay out of it if I were you. She sounds odd and I'd just avoid her.

This isn't about social media. Regardless of setting you do not announce someone else's pregnancy. She may not be malicious but she is selfish and self-centred. Tell her what she did then block her.

I am also in the tell her what she did then block her camp.
What is your DB saying to all of this?

Block

@ViktoriaLukas
I know plenty of people in their 20's who are very much active on FB.

As an autistic, I often make mistakes like this and it's difficult to see what's wrong until someone tells me. Just explain to her what she did wrong, she might have forgotten or just genuinely doesn't understand what she did wrong. Don't expect her to be able to read your mind - if she's asking what she did wrong, just tell her.

I agree that she sounds like a lonely older person, longing to fit in and belong, who doesn’t quite understand the etiquette of social media. Apart from the pregnancy thing she sounds quite a bit like my mum who is very well meaning but can sometimes be a little bit crass and and embarrassing on FB. Luckily the DC and other mutual friends and family are very understanding and forgiving of her various faux pas.

The pregnancy thing is out of order though. Be very straight with her. Tell her she really upset DIL by being so indiscreet after being told it was confidential and so DIL has decided she would prefer not to have the online connection. Be polite and keep it factual. Then adjust your settings so your posts are seen by ‘Friends except X’. I do this a lot when posting things I don’t want mum to know about or comment on!

I think she sounds rather socially akward then malicious though I wouldn’t think twice about blocking her, even if its just to show your DIL how upset you are as well by what she did.

Not malicious my arse! She knew EXACTLY what she was doing, I suspect she is trying to cause a falling out between your db and his family.

Has it not occurred to anyone that there may be good reasons why this woman is single and friendless at her age. It’s not always because they’re simply “socially awkward” I know plenty of socially awkward but kind and pleasant people who have friends and partners/spouses.

I also know a few who are friendless and single and quite frankly it’s a situation of their own making.

She has behaved appallingly and that needs dealt with.

“You were specifically asked not to say anything outside the family, you have overstepped an important boundary, caused serious upset and hurt at a sensitive time to my ds and dil and clearly cannot be trusted to behave on social media accounts and so we are blocking you for that reason”

She does owe ds and dil an apology but do they even want to hear from her? I wouldn’t in their shoes.

Graphista
I think you might be right.

There's socially awkward and then there's adding loads of random family members you've not met, always commenting to have things explained, making a point of calling someone your step-niece when you haven't got a relationship, outing a pregnancy etc.

Whilst I wouldn't say she's definitely trying to push a family fall out, she knows what she's doing in terms of inserting herself into things that don't concern her.

As an autistic, I often make mistakes like this and it's difficult to see what's wrong until someone tells me
You'd hear someone explicitly tell you that something is not to be shared and then having been told that you'd share it on social media?
There's nothing ambiguous about being told not to share someone's pregancy.