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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To ask what to do about brother’s CF girlfriend?

138 replies

bonedigger · 04/11/2019 18:26

I was happy when I heard my brother was in a relationship, he is late 50s now and has been single for 20 odd years. He doesn't go out much or do anything so I was shocked. His partner is someone he was friends with in school who got back in touch with him. Will call her N.

I have never actually met N, I will add. Though our sister has when the 3 of them went for a drink together and she said N was quiet the whole time and looking down, and whenever DB went off to the toilet N wouldn't say a word and just nodded at my sister's attempts to try and make conversation. Soon after this meetup N adds me on Facebook, neither my brother nor my sister are on there. I didn't think much of it and added her back.

Then the weirdness started, she attempted to add my DD19, and my 23 year old son's girlfriend (will call her DIL as easier). Both rejected her request, neither of them knew her from adam and they both live away from home so don't keep up with DB's love life. After they both rejected her request she sent me a message saying

"Would you mind telling (DD) and (DIL) that I'm (DB's) partner as I would like to add you all x".

Thought it was odd but didn't want to be rude so asked them both to add her which they did. Then the bombardment started, every time me DD, or DIL posted something she was ready to respond. It is very strange, all 3 of us say that whenever we post something, within one minute she has replied every time without fail. Keep in mind she has never met any of us. DD tends to post lots of inside jokes on Facebook which are obviously aimed at her friends, and N always comments asking her to explain. DD updated her profile pic and N shared it onto her page and captioned it "Beautiful step-niece!". DD was very uncomfortable.

She comments on everything I post, asks me to elaborate on throwaway comments constantly. If I tag my friend to an event that I think we'd both be interested in, N hijacks the post and says "This looks very good!". She has started adding all of my friends every time I post on their wall. One day she sent me a message along the lines of "How did your grandma pass away as (DB) says he doesnt know and there's a lot of secrecy there xx". I thought it was hugely fucking cheeky. None of us know what happened to our grandma anyway as she died before we came along and our mum never liked to talk about it. I didn't reply and she kept sending me other little messages.

DIL and DS recently found out that DIL is expecting, they are keeping it low-key and quiet until she is in the 2nd trimester as she had a miscarriage last year. The only people in our family who were told were me, DD, Dsis and DB. They expected N to be told by DB, wasn't a problem originally. Anyway, DIL and DS told everyone not to talk about it or mention it online etc, and I know for a fact DB told N not to talk about it either.

Today DIL posted something completely unrelated on Facebook and N of course comments underneath "You must be excited about baby, when are you due xx". Cue all of DIL's friends and work colleuges etc bombarding her with "OMG are you pregnant?" posts. DIL specifically only wanted close family knowing at this stage and then suddenly everybody knew. DIL then promplty blocked N as did DD out of anger.

Now N has sent me a message asking what she has done to upset DD and DIL. WIBU to tell her to get lost for doing that to DIL? Except I don't want to upset DB and I don't even think she's doing it maliciously, she's just a bit odd and doesn't understand boundaries.

OP posts:
user1471590586 · 04/11/2019 18:57

Either delete and block her, or restrict what she can see. Hide your friends list so only you can see it. Message your brother to tell him that you are all really upset that she has shared the pregnancy news. In fact why was she even told, in future do not share any news or information with her that you are not happy for everyone to know.

ChaosisntapitChaosisaladder19 · 04/11/2019 18:57

I would block her she sounds weird.

feelingsinister · 04/11/2019 18:58

I'd tell her exactly what she's done wrong and delete her and make sure your kids do too.

I also don't believe she meant no harm if she's been told not to say anything. I'd also ask your brother not to tell her anything in future if she can't be trusted to keep it to herself.

Aridane · 04/11/2019 19:01

They expected N to be told by DB, wasn't a problem originally. Anyway, DIL and DS told everyone not to talk about it or mention it online etc, and I know for a fact DB told N not to talk about it either

In which case it's for your brother to deal with

Newbiemumsy66 · 04/11/2019 19:04

To be honest my mum is a bit like that on Facebook, she tries to engage with my friends when I post something and always has to comment on everything anyone shares. I now no longer use Facebook because I can’t exactly block my mum! You on the other hand can block this stranger!

Dollymixture22 · 04/11/2019 19:12

Have you discussed this with your brother? I rethink you need to. This lady clearly has some issues.

In the meantime reply to her question honestly. Only immediate family knew about the Your brother trusted her with the news and she shared it on social media so dil’s friends and colleagues heard the news much earlier than DIL wanted. Son and DIL are understandably annoyed.

RockinHippy · 04/11/2019 19:12

She doesn't understand appropriate boundaries & was awkward & silent when you met her. I'd lay bets she's on the spectrum. Unfortunately she was trying to reach out & befriend her DPs family as she will think this is "normal" she's messed up badly, crossed boundaries & likely genuinely doesn't understand why due to ASD.

I'd explain politely, but still delete her & just say that you aren't falling out with her, tell her you're happy for your brother etc, look forward to meeting her sometime, but you think it's for the best that she isn't on your Facebook so that accidents like this can't happen again

RockinHippy · 04/11/2019 19:13

Your sister met her

thistimelastweek · 04/11/2019 19:13

She sounds sad and the OP's family are the closest folks to friends.
For sure she got this wrong and it needs explaining to her. But sometimes, some people need a bit of kindness too.

Walesnotwhales · 04/11/2019 19:14

Grey rock her and tell DB what she did re mentioning the pregnancy.

I wouldn’t delete her. I have several family members like this, so I’ve allocated them within facebook as “acquaintances” and now almost all my online activity is set to “friends, except acquaintances”.

Drum2018 · 04/11/2019 19:14

I'd tell her that she commented about DIL being pregnant when she wasn't supposed to tell anyone. If it's a case your DB forgot to tell her to keep her trap shut then have a go at him, not her. In fairness you shouldn't have asked your kids to add her on Facebook. They had already taken the decision to decline her request and it should have been left at that.

Bluerussian · 04/11/2019 19:19

ReanimatedSGB Mon 04-Nov-19 18:41:23
She sounds rather more like someone who is lonely and socially awkward than someone malicious.
.......
I thought exactly the same as Reinanimated.

Op I'm so sorry this has happened, your sister, Bone. It's a real pain.
Do try to speak to her privately about her posting your personal news on social media. She will feel chastened but I doubt she'd do anything like that again. She doesn't strike me as being in any way malicious.

Perhaps you could befriend her a little bit in real life and, if you do that you can stealthily bring up the subject of her not knowing , i e - talk about it as though you are thinking of someone else entirely but hopefully open her eyes to what is and isn't acceptable in family.

Good luck and congratulations Flowers

cheesewitheverything · 04/11/2019 19:22

RockinHippy has it right - be kind but spell it out to her what she has done. She sounds a very awkward and sad person who desperately wants to get this right and has gone badly wrong. Your DB must see something in her that he likes, so she might be with him for a long time, so don't say anything mean, just be straight.

ffswhatnext · 04/11/2019 19:24

Erm delete and block her.
If you cannot really face that, then limited profile.

I accept who I want to accept. If I am told I have to or feel coerced, I tell them to fuck off and block.

It's easy to avoid drama.

And come on, you really didn't see the baby comment coming? Considering how she's acted so far and been allowed to do it. Could have easily been avoided. Learn and move on from it.

Don't post crap on FB if you don't want people to comment.
Don't be pressured to add people.
If you are really wet, limited profile.
Block arseholes
If you want to keep a secret, the only way to be sure is not to tell anyone. Once something leaves you, you have no control.
Don't want some random distant relative copying your children pics and sharing them on FB. Don't post them in the first place.

Pinkbonbon · 04/11/2019 19:26

If she was told not to mention it and then went on social media and mentioned it - she knows fine well what she has done!

The whole wanting to add everyone including ppl she has never met ting reminded me of an old NPD friend I used to have. She was determined to get her feelers into every aspect of my life. It sounds like this woman is going the same to your brother and then causing drama in the hope that he will have to choose sides (her).

That's how these psychos operate, they want to cause tension and strife so that they can isolate you from family or friends.

VanyaHargreeves · 04/11/2019 19:27

I would speak to your brother about her and be like

"Look, no one wants to not be welcoming to your GF, however she is overstepping, and she has shared news that wasn't her place to share which upset DIL - her approach to Facebook is obviously different to ours and no one wants to fall out over social media at our age so best just not to have it (doesn't need to know she's blocked)

I absolutely feel your pain, a few years ago we were contacted by relations we didn't know existed. One behaves just like this on social media and tries to force the appearance of a depth of relationship that doesn't exist. They are really intense. Luckily I have not met them but those who have have reported feeling almost stalked and left with an uncomfortable feeling about boundaries.

ffswhatnext · 04/11/2019 19:29

And how can she add your friends? Surely you have some controls set up?
Change them so no-one can see, and really I find it's the people who add anyone and everyone that want everyone to know how popular they are. Or they are technically inept and that's no excuse considering we all made aware of the dangers of oversharing, and a quick search shows you how to set restrictions for all social media.

GaaaaarlicBread · 04/11/2019 19:30

Deffo tell her the issue and then block her, what a weirdo!

Purplejay · 04/11/2019 19:31

I'd tell her that she commented about DIL being pregnant when she wasn't supposed to tell anyone. If it's a case your DB forgot to tell her to keep her trap shut then have a go at him, not her. In fairness you shouldn't have asked your kids to add her on Facebook. They had already taken the decision to decline her request and it should have been left at that.

I agree with this 100%.

ffswhatnext · 04/11/2019 19:31

If you don't know them, then why accept them and allow them to make you feel stalked?
You don't owe strangers a thing, even those related to you.

MyNewBearTotoro · 04/11/2019 19:36

I would let her know DIL is upset because she hadn’t wanted anybody to know about the pregnancy and that as a result she’s decided it’s not appropriate to have her on Facebook.

Then I would put your Facebook profile on lockdown so that it’s highly restricted and she can’t see much of what you post.

turnaroundbrighteyes · 04/11/2019 19:39

I wonder if she's a bit technologically challenged and doesn't realise what's public and what's private.

Lots of people using it for the first time use to think notifications and their replies were private. Would try and assume the best in her and kindly tell her why she's no longer welcome as a friend of dd and dil then put her on restricted settings so she only sees your benal posts.

Pinkbonbon · 04/11/2019 19:42

Nah if she can add people linked to your account and pm you too she obviously knows what is private and what isn't. Also, if you weren't sure, you wouldn't just assume and post something that was meant to be a secret. She totally knows what she did.

tillytrotter1 · 04/11/2019 19:44

Talk to your DB and get him to tell her.

Poor chap, why does he have to get involved? Sort it yourselves, can't you remove people from whatevet it is you're all on?

onthecoins · 04/11/2019 19:46

I'd block her. Up to DIL and DS what they do.

I'd stop getting involved and playing the middle man.