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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To demand that DH puts these days of his life behind him?

125 replies

BasinHaircut · 04/11/2019 12:25

Can’t work out whether I am BU or not.

Will try not to drip feed but not waffle on.

DH went out yesterday to a football game. Game was at 2pm. Met his mates at 12 for a beer then travel to the game. Said he would probably go for a few beers afterwards. Fine.

For context the main friend he was with is a functioning alcoholic who gets the arse if people do not want to continue drinking with him until he inevitably wanders off or is kicked out of wherever, or has to be taken home.

At around 9:30 last night, said friend calls me to say he cannot find DH (he was completely smashed so not making much sense) and he thought DH had left him so he was waiting for train home.

I call DH and get no response and text him to return my call just to make sure he was OK. 20 mins after he does and says he is still in the bar and can’t find friend, I tell him friend has gone home so DH says ok he will make his way home.

DH turns up home at 1am, he fell asleep on the train and ended up far away, waited for a train back, was freezing etc etc. I go to bed and DH is in the spare as I can’t stand smell of beer/drunk person or snoring.

Anyway this morning I ask DH couple of questions and he gives strange answers. Don’t think much of it and get DS to school etc, get to work.

Anyway, DH has just told me he now remembers getting cab home from far away place train station and didn’t return on train. Says he left friend in the bar not other way round.

I’m not suspicious of where he was or anything but I’m absolutely disgusted at him getting himself into this state and putting himself at risk. I’ve told him so and said I find him pathetic at 36 years old. He is a father and shouldn’t be putting himself at such risk.

DH doesn’t go out much but with this particular guy/group it’s as if he has to play ‘the lad’ and be something he is not and whilst I get some of the others (including his 2 best mates) still do this regularly, they don’t have young kids.

So AIBU to tell DH he isn’t allowed to behave like such a child and needs to drink more responsibly or not at all?

OP posts:

StreetwiseHercules · 04/11/2019 12:28

I think it is pathetic at 36. I have friends who get the jump with me because I’ve refused to do that stuff since my mid 20s. It’s such a waste though of time, money and health.

noeyedeer · 04/11/2019 12:32

So AIBU to tell DH he isn’t allowed to behave like such a child and needs to drink more responsibly or not at all?

YABU to "tell" him anything. A conversation would be more appropriate, especially if it isn't a regular occurrence.

ActualHornist · 04/11/2019 12:33

I think you’re making a mountain out of a molehill for a bloke who doesn’t often go out and was back at a reasonable time and presumably functioning this morning.

AwdBovril · 04/11/2019 12:34

YANBU. Going out drinking is fine - but really not if he can't moderate his drinking, or can't physically look after himself sufficiently well to get home safely. He needs to make suitable arrangements. If he can't, it's straying into the territory of problem drinking. And it needs addressing.

FWIW, my DH was quite badly injured in a freak accident, on the way home from the pub several months ago. I've not actually prevented him from going out with his mates again (it's not a regular occurrence, maybe 3-6 times a year) but we'll be having massive words if anything similar happens again. It wouldn't have happened if he was sober.

HulksPurplePanties · 04/11/2019 12:36

While I understand your annoyance, if this isn't a regular or even semi-regular occurrence, I can't see why you would do anything but ask him to behave more responsibly next time....

ReanimatedSGB · 04/11/2019 12:36

You don't get to issue orders to a partner and demand obedience. If you really can't get over the fact that your H occasionally likes to go out drinking, then end the relationship.

Illberidingshotgun · 04/11/2019 12:38

I agree that you cannot tell him how to behave, or how much or how often he drinks.

However you can have a conversation with him, explain how his behaviour affects you and your DC, and how concerned you are about his health, and his safety. Be honest with him.

Hopefully you can then reach some sort of mutual understanding and agreement, however ultimately it is then his choice as to whether he continues this behaviour or not, and likewise it is your choice as to whether you wish to continue in a relationship with someone who behaves like that.

FranklySonImTheGaffer · 04/11/2019 12:43

You can't demand he does anything. You're not his boss.

I also think you're being dramatic. He went out with friends, got drunk and came home late. He doesn't do it often, FGS leave him be.

As for "he is a father now," that doesn't mean he can't go out and have a drink / get drunk if he wants to

Beautiful3 · 04/11/2019 12:47

He is not a child. You cannot tell him anything.

SilverySurfer · 04/11/2019 12:52

So AIBU to tell DH he isn’t allowed to behave like such a child and needs to drink more responsibly or not at all?

Perfectly fine if your DH is 12; if not then no, you have no business telling an adult that they are not allowed to do something.

If this was a regular occurrence, like once a week, you would be entitled to be pissed off but you said it's an occasional thing and I think everyone is entitled to have a boozy day out now and again so YABU.

GreenFingersWouldBeHandy · 04/11/2019 12:52

So AIBU to tell DH he isn’t allowed to behave like such a child

But you're treating him like one. You can't dictate what he does or whether he acts responsibly. You can't force him to grow up.

What you can do is ask him not to act like that. If it's only once in a blue moon, I'd leave him to it. But if it's every weekend then that's a bit different.

user1493413286 · 04/11/2019 12:53

My DH does this maybe once or twice a year; I’m very unimpressed by it and do tell him he should grow up.

TargaryenBean · 04/11/2019 12:55

If he doesn't do it often I'd probably just be rolling my eyes but if it's a regular thing, then yeah, time to grow up and a serious conversation is needed.

Theworldisfullofgs · 04/11/2019 12:56

You want him to stop behaving like a child but then you are planning to talk to him as if he were a child?

Whatisthisfuckery · 04/11/2019 12:56

I would be bloody annoyed if this was my O. Not just the coming home blotto, but how much did all that cost? It’s not cheep for a man to get smashed in a pub, and how much did the cab home from the far away place cost?

It’s the irresponsibility that would piss me off, and the seeming inability of a responsible adult to keep themself safe while out.

I would be asking him whether he thinks it’s appropriate to go out and get wasted with a man who is an alcoholic for a start, and whether it’s fair on you and your DC to put up with him staggering in at all hours after being too drunk to get home sensibly, and waste god knows how much family money in the process.

userxx · 04/11/2019 13:03

You can't demand anything of him!!!! Its his life, he can see who he likes and get as pissed as he likes, you don't call the shots.

AwdBovril · 04/11/2019 13:04

It rather sounds like the OP is having to talk to him like a child because of his refusal to take responsibility for himself (as would be expected of a reasonable adult).

The normalisation of the alcohol culture in this country is very depressing.

user1487194234 · 04/11/2019 13:06

Personally I think YWBU to demand ,although I can see why you are upset

I would talk to him .If he is a decent guy he will probably pay attention.

Also if its not a regular occurrence I would go a bit easy on him

Passthecherrycoke · 04/11/2019 13:09

It wouldn’t really be concerned about this and agree you can’t tell a grown man how to behave. It just sounds like a big night out.

Drogosnextwife · 04/11/2019 13:10

Nope don't believe his story. I'm not sure what's so risky about a grown man getting drunk.
The real reason you are pissed off is because he came home late, changed his story this morning and now you are wondering if he is telling you the truth.

purplepalace · 04/11/2019 13:11

So it wasn't just a couple of mates having a few pints was it? How did they manage to lose each other?

Are you sure your DH didn't leave the pub with someone else and the 'falling asleep on the train' is a cover story?

ThatMuppetShow · 04/11/2019 13:14

DH doesn’t go out much
that's your answer.

Of course YABU to dictate and tell another adult how to live their life, but when it's once in awhile? Fair enough to have a serious discussion if it was a weekly thing and you don't accept it, but it's not.

just because he choses to do something different than you would chose, you don't get to decide for him.

he didn't leave his children unattended, he didn't actually do anything wrong. Unclench a bit.

ThatMuppetShow · 04/11/2019 13:16

Are you sure your DH didn't leave the pub with someone else and the 'falling asleep on the train' is a cover story?

and here we go.. Yes, I am sure any man could be having a shag in the bushes, but is it really necessary to jump to these kinds of conclusions?

you can't be in love with someone and live with them if you don't trust them. Don't be so ridiculous.

autumn2203 · 04/11/2019 13:17

If my dh was 36 and a father to my children I would not be at all impressed with this behaviour, and would see it as pretty immature and pathetic.

It may be more effective if you were to tell him how unattractive you find his teen nights, and how off putting to be living with a man child. Going forward you need to agree what is acceptable to both of you, and the consequences to your relationship and the trust you have if he does not keep to his side of the agreement. He could also put some limits in place, by booking a taxi home at a time when he knows it would be better to come back, to consider the devastation to you and the children if something happened to him whilst he was drunk, and to take life a little bit more seriously when you have young children relying on you to be a decent parent.

Being a parent, having responsibilities is not Monday to Friday.

Having boundaries is a good thing, and I agree you need to make them very clear to him. He can go and live the life of a teenager elsewhere if that is what he wants, but ultimately he needs to be a man of his word, and remember what he has to lose when he is out with his intellectually challenged friends.

DowntownAbby · 04/11/2019 13:19

So AIBU to tell DH he isn’t allowed to behave...

Yes. Yes you are being unreasonable to think you tell a partner what they are or aren't allowed to do.

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