To demand that DH puts these days of his life behind him?

[BasinHaircut]

Can’t work out whether I am BU or not.

Will try not to drip feed but not waffle on.

DH went out yesterday to a football game. Game was at 2pm. Met his mates at 12 for a beer then travel to the game. Said he would probably go for a few beers afterwards. Fine.

For context the main friend he was with is a functioning alcoholic who gets the arse if people do not want to continue drinking with him until he inevitably wanders off or is kicked out of wherever, or has to be taken home.

At around 9:30 last night, said friend calls me to say he cannot find DH (he was completely smashed so not making much sense) and he thought DH had left him so he was waiting for train home.

I call DH and get no response and text him to return my call just to make sure he was OK. 20 mins after he does and says he is still in the bar and can’t find friend, I tell him friend has gone home so DH says ok he will make his way home.

DH turns up home at 1am, he fell asleep on the train and ended up far away, waited for a train back, was freezing etc etc. I go to bed and DH is in the spare as I can’t stand smell of beer/drunk person or snoring.

Anyway this morning I ask DH couple of questions and he gives strange answers. Don’t think much of it and get DS to school etc, get to work.

Anyway, DH has just told me he now remembers getting cab home from far away place train station and didn’t return on train. Says he left friend in the bar not other way round.

I’m not suspicious of where he was or anything but I’m absolutely disgusted at him getting himself into this state and putting himself at risk. I’ve told him so and said I find him pathetic at 36 years old. He is a father and shouldn’t be putting himself at such risk.

DH doesn’t go out much but with this particular guy/group it’s as if he has to play ‘the lad’ and be something he is not and whilst I get some of the others (including his 2 best mates) still do this regularly, they don’t have young kids.

So AIBU to tell DH he isn’t allowed to behave like such a child and needs to drink more responsibly or not at all?

fed me too. I am totally happy to be buttoned up! Buttoned up is the new pissed up in today's world. My teens laugh at the old codgers still drinking themselves under the table, no one does that in today's SM world where it can cost you your job and more. Even THEY understand it is sad to be that 'one' crashing around the train station wretching into your shoes, and pleading with the Uber guy to take you home (he is not sure he can afford the car valet afterwards so turns you down flat)

You could be forgiven for thinking it is 1985 to read this thread.

Well I'm happy to be "buttoned up" if it means not condoning such behaviour.

Agree that it is totally sad to be acting this was past 25.

I think int he past it may have been a sign you were 'doing well' to be out spending money on drink all the time. I would say the youth of today considers it a bit tragic.

I certainly felt at 18 in the 2000s that the 30+ people out drinking in places I was were absolute losers who had failed at life. I'm at home in my pyjamas looking after my kids now in my 30s, as is the natural order

Nope don't believe his story.

DH and his friends can recount many tales of how they fell asleep on a train, due to drink and ended up faraway! Once they caught a train from Dover to Victoria after a day, drinking in France. DH and the friend got separated in their drunken state - they bumped into each other on the platform at Dover, having been to Victoria and back!

DH still did it in the early days of our marriage - he’d ring me up at 1 am to ask where Smithtown was, because he’d fallen asleep on the train....

One thing about DH, the more he drinks, the more compelled he is to tell me the truth! Can’t keep a secret to save his life!

no one does that in today's SM world where it can cost you your job and more

you really should get out more. All the pubs and bars around my office are packed tight at least on Thursdays and Friday night. Of course people still drink.

The papers are also full of chavs in "party outfits" drunk at every race day, bank holiday and others. I don't disagree that they look ridiculous, but let's not pretend it doesn't exist. You pretended that the A&E were full of them 2 post above!

Of course the “being a parent card” applies.
It always applies because somebody has to look after the kids! Fine if he had arrangements and a babysitter but actually he was just dumping his responsibilities knowing that the OP would pick up the slack.

I think it is irrelevant what traits someone will accept in a partner. What I think is ridiculous and verging on abusive is the idea you can stop someone doing what they want to do because they are your partner. You don't want someone who still goes out on the razzle at 35? Ask their values around drinking,age and family commitments before you marry them. Don't marry them and them expect them to mould into the person you want.

I don't drink at all and am a fantastically boring homebod.

DH, however, loves a good session in the pub and will often roll home drunk in the small hours. It's his life and if that's how he wants to unwind I really don't care.

I just tell him not to wake me up. I am not sure why you are so disapproving. It's not every night and he's a grown man. It's precisely BECAUSE he has responsibilities that he feels the need to get pissed

Blimey I didn’t expect the ‘demand’ and ‘isn’t allowed to drink anymore’ to be taken so literally

I’ve already told him I think he is a bit pathetic and putting himself at risk (not of buses though I might add) by getting into such a state, and that it’s clear that drinking with this specific person is a trigger for getting so shitfaced which he should really think about and he had said that he agrees with me and knows all of this etc etc.

Just to point out though to whoever said it, he wasn’t capable of coherent conversation last night at 9:30, because he was waffling a load of old bollocks and has admitted he didn’t even know where he was at that point.

Just to add that DH goes out quite a lot, not only 6 times a year. He has hobbies (Not cycling) and various groups of friends and it’s not like this was a build up of stress that he had to ‘release’.

I just don’t like not knowing he is safe really. And he can be a bit of a dick when he is drunk. Harmless, but a dick and it’s embarrassing and/or annoying.

Identical post last week - roles reversed. Overwhelming answer was that your DH has no right to tell you when you should be home, and to do so would be controlling.

Interesting when the roles are reversed.

This would be a deal breaker for me.
I would NOT tell him what to do or impose on him what is or isnt right (to me).
But a partner that goes out, comes back completely drunk (not just merry but incapable to take himself back home wo any incident), comes back home at 1.00~2.00am leaving me worried that something has happened to them, that would be a deal breaker for me. So would the fact that an afternoon watching football ended up with a full night out and being unable to function the day after.

I would have a frank discussion on what you are or arent happy to accept now that he is a father.
This would depend a lot of what you think is an acceptable behaviour, how much time off you get vs his time off (do you get two days off on a regular basis to 'het your hair down' or are you always the responsible one?) and agreement on when/how much to update (no point having a tacit agreement that he will tell you where he is and how things are going at 10.00pm if he is going to stumble back home at 2.00am wo telling you where he is - because he doesnt know himself).

what no one on this thread can tell you is what are YOUR boundaries and wat you are happy to live with or not. No point trying to look all cool and blaze at his antics if you are worried sick and dreading each 'going out session' with that friend for example.

@basinhaircut

So what did you mean then?

@HeyNotInMyName

This.

I wouldn't dream of telling my husband he couldn't go out.

I also wouldn't put up with knowing any night he's out, he's going to get totally rat assed and put himself in danger.

That I'm going to possibly spend half the night worried about him getting home safely.

Screw that. I wouldn't put up with that and neither would he.

It's not fair. Particularly not when you have children, dependants.

I certainly don't think that it is unreasonable that we have this standard in our marriage.

@ChilledBee I just meant that I thought he was being a dick and I wanted you all to agree with me

I do accept that I could probably unclench a bit and that it’s not that big a deal.

But actually I think my main gripes are that firstly that I worry about him. Last night after his taxi which dropped him at a cash point he walked home down a really long and dodgy alleyway which people do get mugged in. I didn’t know that til this morning.

Also, I just don’t like how he behaves when he is that drunk. Even though I wasn’t there, I hate that he was most likely behaving in a way I don’t like.

You know what OP, I think you just don't like this friend and I think you're probably right in that. But you obviously can't tell your DH to dump a friend, however fucked up that friend may be.

YABU.

He wasn't even that late.

that I worry about him

If this is the crux of the issue then this is your issue and you are projecting your fears (real or imagined) on to him and expecting him to live by your ideas of safe. If you live with someone who is a worrier - adjusting your behaviour to prevent them from worrying is controlling. Recognise what you are asking - that is it ok for me to control his behaviour.
No it isn't

I can't believe the number of people who think you shouldn't got out drinking after the age of 25. What absolute bollocks!!

I'm a parent but i also love a good night out.....all at the grand old age of 38. My 48 year old DH is my favourite drinking and dancing partner. We don't plan on stopping anytime soon.

Putting himself in dangerous situations and leaving you for hours to worry is immature and unkind and you have every right to have a conversation with him about stopping this behaviour

in his experience what keeps the emergency services particularly busy is the number of people who get attacked, raped and mugged when pissed, purely because they're such an easy target.

As someone who used to work in the criminal justice system, it's definitely true that alcohol and people drinking to excess is a hugely contributory factor in crimes. Some of the saddest cases I dealt with were "single punch manslaughters", and I think 99% of the ones I saw involved either either the defendant or the victim, and usually both, having been drunk. They always seemed to happen in taxi queues, late night takeaways and outside nightclubs.

It's not unreasonable to have boundaries around excessive alcohol consumption. Perhaps if more people did, we wouldn't have the ridiculous booze culture we have in this country. I'm happy to be 'buttoned up' if the alternative is not being able to 'unwind' or 'have a good time' without pouring so much alcohol down your throat you can barely function.

Some posts on here seem totally cool with the idea of their dps rolling around paralytic at 1am
First night out after DS Was born I got in at 3 am, not paraletic but certainly very drunk, and slept til midday the following day. DH was cool with it because its a rarity, and no child is damaged by one parent being out of action for half a day. If he'd told me I was too old (35??) and now a MOTHER so shouldn't do it, he'd have had his answer! Whilst I get why OP was worried and angry, is it really so weird that coparents can accept they both need down time and time out?

I don’t mind this kind of thing as long as I know it’s what’s happening. My OH doesn’t have a big sesh often but when he does, I prefer to know as it generally writes off the next day for him as well and we’ve got a young kid. I wouldn’t be happy if he just went awol with the expectation that I’ll pick up his slack. If I know, fine and I know he’d be the same if it was me on a night out.

Ultimately though this sounds like it’s not a regular thing and we all do things sometimes. I would just speak to him and let him know you didn’t really appreciate the way it all happened.

@sillysmiles
Primo statement you said to
that I worry about him

If this is the crux of the issue then this is your issue....If you live with someone who is a worrier - adjusting your behaviour to prevent them from worrying is controlling.
Exactly! Could not have said it better. It is a whisker away from a husband telling his wife she has a 9pm curfew and 2 drink limit because otherwise she is risking rape and being so irresponsible is a deal breaker and grounds for divorce.

Yikes - you sound very controlling!

You cant tell him what to do!

He sounds like he was just having a standard night out !

You shouldn't have to ever stop partying if you don't want to - kids or not !

Husband and I are out all the time on mad nights, club nights til 7am, several festivals throughout the year !

We go out separate as well - weekends away with our mates

He's in his 40s, me in my 30's!!

If he's out late and I'm home - I ask that he sleeps on the sofa so I'm not disturbed - but other than that he can do what he wants!!

If you are not happy, then you have every right to tell him so. That doesn't mean you are controlling or anything else. You both married, and I assume agreed to love and respect each other, if he is falling short on respecting what is important to you and your family.

Its not okay to be out drinking for 13 hours and be too drunk to safely get home when you have children. It is no way fine to say you are coming back at one time, and then to rock up out of it so many hours later knowing somewhere in the fog of alcohol that you would be worried at home.

A good marriage is built on trust and respect, and a code of what is acceptable. Every marriage differs, and none of us on here or elsewhere can tell you that this is okay. It certainly wouldn't be for me and many of us on here.

There is one thing in becoming absolutely paralytic when you are young and carefree, quite another when you have little children at home. I am all for a good night out/party post kids, but there is a limit.

I would be questioning if he has worries that he isn't sharing/stress/MH issues or some other problem, as getting so very pissed is often a sign that all isn't well somewhere in a person's life (or they have a drinking problem) either way I would probably open up a conversation about why he felt he needed to get so drunk in the first place.

I just don’t like not knowing he is safe really. And he can be a bit of a dick when he is drunk

I hear you OP. I have one of those - or I did. Almost 15 years ago there was a drunken incident that had him in hosp for 2 days. Egged on by his mates he'd done something dickish and dangerous while drunk. Thankfully he was ok, but he very nearly wasn't. I didn't rage, didn't 'tell him' to stop but did say (roughly) "I'm not going to go mad, I'm happy that you are ok. I just want you to think about something - you could have been paralysed. You were inches away from me having to wipe your shitty arse for the rest of your life instead of us having great sex all over the shop. Is it worth it?"

He still gets drunk, goes out, has fun, but I've never felt scared for him since.