To demand that DH puts these days of his life behind him?

[BasinHaircut]

Can’t work out whether I am BU or not.

Will try not to drip feed but not waffle on.

DH went out yesterday to a football game. Game was at 2pm. Met his mates at 12 for a beer then travel to the game. Said he would probably go for a few beers afterwards. Fine.

For context the main friend he was with is a functioning alcoholic who gets the arse if people do not want to continue drinking with him until he inevitably wanders off or is kicked out of wherever, or has to be taken home.

At around 9:30 last night, said friend calls me to say he cannot find DH (he was completely smashed so not making much sense) and he thought DH had left him so he was waiting for train home.

I call DH and get no response and text him to return my call just to make sure he was OK. 20 mins after he does and says he is still in the bar and can’t find friend, I tell him friend has gone home so DH says ok he will make his way home.

DH turns up home at 1am, he fell asleep on the train and ended up far away, waited for a train back, was freezing etc etc. I go to bed and DH is in the spare as I can’t stand smell of beer/drunk person or snoring.

Anyway this morning I ask DH couple of questions and he gives strange answers. Don’t think much of it and get DS to school etc, get to work.

Anyway, DH has just told me he now remembers getting cab home from far away place train station and didn’t return on train. Says he left friend in the bar not other way round.

I’m not suspicious of where he was or anything but I’m absolutely disgusted at him getting himself into this state and putting himself at risk. I’ve told him so and said I find him pathetic at 36 years old. He is a father and shouldn’t be putting himself at such risk.

DH doesn’t go out much but with this particular guy/group it’s as if he has to play ‘the lad’ and be something he is not and whilst I get some of the others (including his 2 best mates) still do this regularly, they don’t have young kids.

So AIBU to tell DH he isn’t allowed to behave like such a child and needs to drink more responsibly or not at all?

@autumn2203
^getting absolutely paralytic exactly?
Oh that sounds just wonderful gaining an 'identity' from drinking your own body weight in beer so that are unable to focus^

Please you are making things up. He was nowhere near paralytic as he held a coherent phone conversation and then got himself home safely.
I’m also 100% certain he could not have drunk his own body weight in beer and have been able to talk on a phone, take a train and a taxi and have gotten home as early as 1am.

Drunk people do not go around getting killed by buses fgs. That’s clearly very rare

Tell that to anyone at all that works in A&E

I have just have, been confirmed that - at least London South East - bus killing is still very rare, and so are tube casualties. Drunks however are still plentiful.

So why is it okay for the drunk parent to dump the childcare responsibilities onto the other parent for the day for one, and deprive the children of a family day simply because he could not control his drinking.

you are clearly projecting.

My kids have happily survived with only one of us (or none of us actually) because we were working, out for the weekend or for the day.

YOU have issues, and I can picture you being the martyr the following day whilst the kids wouldn't even notice if you didn't need to make such a drama out of it. I am sure you can manage to have a lovely weekends with your kids without your partner holding your hand for once? the rest of us are perfectly fine.

It's a terrible example if you can't make it happen.

Yes and brother has just replied and said he has not treated a drunk person killed by bus. He has also not been aware of a drunk person being killed by a bus. He has cyclists killed by buses though

You are conveniently ignoring the posts on here that reflect the reality of a drunk husband being injured, and the stress that is caused for months and months afterwards.

I am all for a good party, I enjoy going out with my dh and friends, but there is a point when a fun night tips into something embarrassing, harmful and ugly. It spills into other parts of life, and then it is not fun anymore. It is just seedy and icky and grim for everyone else (health workers, partners etc )

A&E is packed full of drunks every single weekend, some die, some do not, the point is that it is not fair on anyone else is it.

Going out for an occasional drink and a laugh is fine, his behaviour is not fine. Even if it doesn’t happen that often it’s not fair on you.

He isn't " allowed" are you serious? He's a grown man, not your child. Neither of you need to seek permission from the other to do anything. That's just too controlling.

You can tell him you don't like it, whatever, but if you wish your marriage to continue then you won't start acting like you're his mother and telling him what he is and isn't allowed to do.

By the way my dh has never done this, he is into at all, but I understand completely why op feels the way she does.

It doesn’t really matter what’s happening at A&E, since like the vast majority of people who got drunk this weekend, OPs DH was nowhere near it

If he did this frequently I would say yanbu, but an occasional night out like this wouldn't bother me too much. Anyone can make a mistake and over do it, especially if you don't drink regularly. So I think yabu.

autumn2203
You are conveniently ignoring the posts on here that reflect the reality of a drunk husband being injured, and the stress that is caused for months and months afterwards.*

Going out once every couple of months doesn't make anyone a drunk.

There's no such thing as a bus killing spree targeting drunk husbands either.

Are you also banning your own partner from extreme sports or just sports? And driving? There's is, at least, 1 accident every single morning on the M25.....

@@autumn2203
makes a big difference to the child, because the parent is unlikely to be in a fit state to care for them, look after them properly or play with them. Most likely they will be asleep or nursing a hangover for the rest of the day

You are confusing the OPs DH with someone else. Read her post. She texted him to call her at 9:30pm. 20 minutes later, so 9:50pm he called her back and started home no later than 10pm
He fell asleep on the train and arrived safely home at 1am

By 8am, he will be 1) sober and 2) have had at least 8hrs of sleep

Highly doubtful he will be asleep or nursing a hangover for the rest of the day

It doesn’t really matter what’s happening at A&E I think it does matter actually, as we are all paying for it.

Wow, that was a bit of a tangent @Autumn2203!

I agree it’s immature and pathetic for a grown man or woman to behave like this. The attitude to alcohol use in this country is awful. It’s like people can’t enjoy themselves or be happy without being blotto.

Wasn’t it the World Cup finals yesterday? England vs. S Africa? Was that the game he went to watch? If so, more than just any football game, that was the biggest football game of the year. And you want to be upset because he started home at 10pm? And had a few beers? Really?

plan He had been drinking since 12pm!!! I somehow doubt he will be fine the next day - that is a solid 9 hours of drinking!! You need to learn to count the drinking hours and then decide if it is possible to wake up refreshed and feeling great after such a long stint of drinking, so much so he couldn't even get home and it took him 3 hours to do so....

The whole attitude to getting blind drunk is just so 1980s.
Most of us have realised it is just really sad and a useless waste of money and time. Not sure it is very attractive, much desired quality in anyone to be fair.

autumn2203
so is the 50s wifey attitude... most of us have modern relationships, and don't tell the other one what to do.

His behavior was immature and indefensible.

There are some really buttoned up people on here, the Victorians would be proud of you.

Let him have a night out with his friend! It isn't a regular thing, sounds like he needed it!

Some posts on here seem totally cool with the idea of their dps rolling around paralytic at 1am.

Well, presumably that's because some people on here are totally cool with it.

My husband gets absolutely smashed maybe three or four times a year. I don't worry about him getting home safely because the world is full of dangers and it is too time consuming to worry about them all. As far as I'm aware, he, like most people, doesn't become a societal nuisance once drunk. I also find him reasonably amusingly idiotic when he's drunk.

I don't care that he's useless the next day because he is, generally, excellent to keep around. He extends me the same courtesy.

I can't think of many things my husband could do that would make me think of him as a pathetic man-child. And, as ever, MN is a solid reminder of why divorce rates are so high.

I'm a bit surprised about some of these responses.
I thought most people realised that going out and getting paralytic drunk ( and using coke / smoking) was something you got out of your system in your early 20's... And after that you realised you were actually a bit of a dick when you did it and actually it was as a colossal waste of time and money. I mean a few drinks and having a laugh with friends is fine but getting so shit faced that you are barely conscious is not really cool at any age.
I'm surprised so many people are cool with it. I wouldn't be ( and DH wouldn't be either) and if that makes me uptight.... So be it.

I think that if he doesn't go out much there's not 'phase of his life' about it. Yes, I think it is a bit pathetic of anyone to get so druknk they can't find their way home properly, but if he's not doing it regularly it's just an occasional idiocy and you're in your rights to say you would prefer it if he could resist competitive drinking when with mates because its disruptive when he gets home and creates anxiety, but it doesn't sound frequent enough to deserve a lecture or anything.