To demand that DH puts these days of his life behind him?

[BasinHaircut]

Can’t work out whether I am BU or not.

Will try not to drip feed but not waffle on.

DH went out yesterday to a football game. Game was at 2pm. Met his mates at 12 for a beer then travel to the game. Said he would probably go for a few beers afterwards. Fine.

For context the main friend he was with is a functioning alcoholic who gets the arse if people do not want to continue drinking with him until he inevitably wanders off or is kicked out of wherever, or has to be taken home.

At around 9:30 last night, said friend calls me to say he cannot find DH (he was completely smashed so not making much sense) and he thought DH had left him so he was waiting for train home.

I call DH and get no response and text him to return my call just to make sure he was OK. 20 mins after he does and says he is still in the bar and can’t find friend, I tell him friend has gone home so DH says ok he will make his way home.

DH turns up home at 1am, he fell asleep on the train and ended up far away, waited for a train back, was freezing etc etc. I go to bed and DH is in the spare as I can’t stand smell of beer/drunk person or snoring.

Anyway this morning I ask DH couple of questions and he gives strange answers. Don’t think much of it and get DS to school etc, get to work.

Anyway, DH has just told me he now remembers getting cab home from far away place train station and didn’t return on train. Says he left friend in the bar not other way round.

I’m not suspicious of where he was or anything but I’m absolutely disgusted at him getting himself into this state and putting himself at risk. I’ve told him so and said I find him pathetic at 36 years old. He is a father and shouldn’t be putting himself at such risk.

DH doesn’t go out much but with this particular guy/group it’s as if he has to play ‘the lad’ and be something he is not and whilst I get some of the others (including his 2 best mates) still do this regularly, they don’t have young kids.

So AIBU to tell DH he isn’t allowed to behave like such a child and needs to drink more responsibly or not at all?

Mine was still doing this and worse when he was 46,
knocked himself out hitting head on wall, staggering home and laid on floor outside train station for hours
Call me a 3am to collect him, as he was lost, decided to walk home 15 miles, and was so drunk didn’t know where he was.

Funnily enough, wasn’t an alcoholic, just behaved like a 20 yr old with no responsibilities, as in many other areas of his life.
Had ‘ the chat’ many times, in the end, I divorced him because he wouldn’t/ couldn’t grow up and I couldn’t live like that anymore!

I think YABVU. He's gone out, had a good time and come home. You've said yourself he doesn't do it often.

He doesn't come home and make a noise or a mess from what you've said. Chill out.

Some posts on here seem totally cool with the idea of their dps rolling around paralytic at 1am. Maybe they have a very different idea to you about priorities. It could be you are with the wrong person if his idea of a good weekend is being 14 again, and yours is something much more sophisticated.

I would seriously question my relationship is we were so far apart on fundamental standards such as this. How would he feel if you did the same?? Rolling around with your pants on show drunk and unable to speak, not bothering to call him to tell him where you are. I am sure he would hate it. Why not give it a go? A taste of his own medicine.

You may ask why would I want to get so pissed as to not even be capable of getting home? In hindsight you may have been better suited to someone with higher standards, and a sense decorum and responsibility.

If you have loved ones (and responsibilities) who worry about you who have no clue where you have got to till 1am, and you roll in utterly smashed, aaaand you are of an age where you know hours and hours of drinking will get you in that state, yet you still choose to do that then that is pretty selfish behaviour in my opinion. Even if it is every now and then, sounds like you expect it when he goes out with this friend so it's likely happened more than once so I'd def mention to him this isn't a healthy way to catch up with his pal. Not to mention anything could happen in the state he was in. Neither he nor his pal were able to look out for each other let alone themselves.

I have said to DH before - are you actually capable of meeting up with you friends without alcohol? He was shocked and couldn't answer, he's since organised several catch ups which don't centre around booze and several pals have felt able to discuss mental health, relationships, work and financial worries as the focus is on a catch up not getting wrecked in a noisy bar. They've all actually commented it is a great idea for a regular check-in once every other month or so.

Nothing wrong with a night out, drinks and a laugh - but when it goes into utterly wasted, can't text home to let OH know you're safe and eg staying out bit later, passing out on train, rolling in stinking of booze with no knowledge of what's happened to your friend (great pals eh!) then that's when it's gone past fun and into a problem.

autumn2203

unclench
and realise that you are probably not as perfect as you think, and your partner has to put up with your own flaws. So a parent getting drunk once in awhile and coming home at a reasonable hour?

Really no big deal. Where did you see that his pants were on show though?!?

My DP falls asleep on public transport all the time. Wether he's had 2 pints or 10 pints. He has a very stressful job and I have no problem him letting his hair down. He is tired very easily and can fall asleep anywhere. As long as he pays for it I have no problem with it whatsoever. It's not as if he does it on purpose.

I suspect you would indeed, be unsuited to a relationship with many people autumn and would be best off with someone who shares your unusually uptight lifestyle. But OP isn’t going to leave her husband over this, so you’re too draconian even for her

it’s the drinking to a level that your eyes glaze over, you don’t know what you are doing, you act like a twat and put yourself at risk that I take issue with.

I couldn't agree more. I get it that it all looks fun when you're a teenager, but most people work out by the time they're 25 that actually getting this pissed isn't enjoyable in itself, the hangover is no fun at all, and nothing justifies buggering up your health and safety in this way.

An ambulance attendant once told me that not only does excessive drinking offer the obvious risks - falling over, vomiting, inhaling vomit, liver damage etc - in his experience what keeps the emergency services particularly busy is the number of people who get attacked, raped and mugged when pissed, purely because they're such an easy target.

YABU,
He went out - things got a bit crazy and he was later and drunker than exepected. Unless he would be going crazy if you were a minute later than you said you would, than cut him some slack.

...I also don't agree that what a person does is entirely their own business and of no concern to anyone else. Once you're married (and especially if you have non-adult children), you owe it to your spouse (and children) to exercise a certain level of self-control.

That means you don't spend all the money for food and shelter on a personal spending spree. It (usually) means you don't engage in excessively risky behaviour. You should be willing to grow up and stop acting like an immature person with no responsibilities.

The word choice ("demand") may grate, but I don't think OP is asking too much.

Pathetic, immature behaviour from him.

OK to go out drinking, but since he is a parent, he needs to actually decide what time he will get back, communicate it and stick to it.

A drink after a 2pm game doesn't add up to 1am. It can if you are free and single, but having a family at home including a wife who you're dumping all the childcare on (in addition to causing her to worry about your safety) and just buggering off and not bothering with your kids at the weekend is different.

I cannot fathom why some of these responses consider it reasonable behaviour. I find it irresponsible, selfish and immature.

OMG. Some people really need to unclench. “ Sense of decorum and responsibility” . I personally don’t ever get smashed but I do go out drinking and get drunk on occasion. I certainly don’t feel the need to stop because some fun sponge doesn’t agree with it, whether I have children or not. I can think of several people I know who’ve fallen asleep on the train home and ended up in random places. They all manage to hold down responsible, prestigious jobs and continue their responsibilities as parents. No doubt Christmas party season will be rife with it. An a “ once in a while” event it doesn’t seem very extraordinary to me and beats another night in in front of the TV.

You can be understandably and justifiably annoyed with him but ywbu to try to control what he can and cannot do.

Op, you can probably tell from some of the posts that the drinkers on here really don't care if they get hit by a bus on the way home, or end up seriously injured as long as THEY are having a good time.

Back in the real world most people are married have an understanding and red lines, and what is acceptable and what isn't. You have every right to have your boundaries, and if he is not in agreement about where those are then a serious conversation is needed.

I suspect many on here are choosing to minimise due to their own experiences/choices, and not really considering how horrible it is to be on the receiving end of a drunk at 1am and feeling so worried in the meantime. Not to mention that it is revolting dealing with someone in that condition. Nope I am totally with you on not wanting this behaviour in your life.

YABU
You cannot order a partner about like a child

The occasional outing with alcohol is fine, especially since he was able to get home safely at a reasonable time even with the detour for falling asleep on the train. The falling asleep was probably due to being a parent of young children and so chronically sleep deprived.

At that age I was going belly dancing all night in Paris with my friends while DH was home with our then young children. Yes, I drank. Yes, I too fell asleep on the metro a few times. My DH too had his nights out with his friends.

We do not lose our identities when we become parents. Your view OP seems to be that every woman loses her identity and becomes only “mother” and every man becomes only “father” and that we are never again allowed to have an identity as an individual.

Drunk people do not go around getting killed by buses fgs. That’s clearly very rare. Stop being such a drama queen

My DH used to do this (a bit more trashed, coming in later, but probably a bit less frequently). I found it really selfish. I would worry about him coming to harm and found it really disrespectful to me that he expected me to pick up the pieces. I'm sure mumsnet would tell me that i should just take off every couple of months to even it up, but since I had kids that's not really my style. Anyway, he did come to serious harm and needed nursing for a couple of months and he hasn't drunk since. I had to shoulder all the responsibilities while he was out of action as well as looking after him and I was extremely worried about our financial security. YANBU.

BTW it still places more burden on me as he is not as physically capable as he used to be. It was all so fucking unnecessary and really really hard for the kids as well.

plan so what 'identity' is op's dp gaining from getting absolutely paralytic exactly?
Oh that sounds just wonderful gaining an 'identity' from drinking your own body weight in beer so that are unable to focus Identity surely depends on something far more meaningful than rendering yourself incapable with some old drunks!!

OK to go out drinking, but since he is a parent, he needs to actually decide what time he will get back, communicate it and stick to it.

what difference does it actually make for a small child if their parent comes home at 8pm or 1am? most of them will be fast asleep anyway...

Don't play the "being a parent" card when it doesn't apply.

Drunk people do not go around getting killed by buses fgs. That’s clearly very rare

Tell that to anyone at all that works in A&E pass

1am is barely late and that was after a detour of missing his stop and taking a taxi back. I don’t agree that he was irresponsible in any way. Unless he came home covered in his own vomit....
Id be out until 4 or 5am.
And no, not falling over drunk. Not drink too much at all because then your belly dance moves get sloppy and ugly to watch.
I suppose whether sober or drunk it is just shocking that a mother with young children would ever take a whole night off for her dance troupe.
Seems like a lot of Cinderella’s on here...no ball after midnight allowed!

That wouldn’t be a problem they’d agree with me. I’ll text my brother who has worked in A&E 20 years and see if he’s overrun with drunks killed by buses. Or indeed, if he’s ever seen it...

ou can probably tell from some of the posts that the drinkers on here really don't care if they get hit by a bus on the way home, or end up seriously injured as long as THEY are having a good time.

I think you are absolutely ridiculous, and I don't drink.
I am also an adult who doesn't go into an absolute frenzy if their partner comes home at 1am, when he is out with friends and I know he's out!
If he pops out to get a bottle of milk at 2pm, yes by 1am I would be worried

I couldn't put up with an abusive partner telling me what I can and can't do, and what time I am allowed to come back home.

I am guessing you would also strongly object to my own partner doing a "dangerous" sport and coming home covered in mud because it makes your floor dirty?

what difference does it actually make for a small child if their parent comes home at 8pm or 1am?

It makes a big difference to the child, because the parent is unlikely to be in a fit state to care for them, look after them properly or play with them. Most likely they will be asleep or nursing a hangover for the rest of the day.
So why is it okay for the drunk parent to dump the childcare responsibilities onto the other parent for the day for one, and deprive the children of a family day simply because he could not control his drinking. It is unfair to the whole family and will have a negative impact. Not to mention the fact he is being a dreadful role model to his children by becoming so drunk and dealing with a hangover. How is this helping the children in any way?? Apart from to show them how not to behave.