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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To demand that DH puts these days of his life behind him?

125 replies

BasinHaircut · 04/11/2019 12:25

Can’t work out whether I am BU or not.

Will try not to drip feed but not waffle on.

DH went out yesterday to a football game. Game was at 2pm. Met his mates at 12 for a beer then travel to the game. Said he would probably go for a few beers afterwards. Fine.

For context the main friend he was with is a functioning alcoholic who gets the arse if people do not want to continue drinking with him until he inevitably wanders off or is kicked out of wherever, or has to be taken home.

At around 9:30 last night, said friend calls me to say he cannot find DH (he was completely smashed so not making much sense) and he thought DH had left him so he was waiting for train home.

I call DH and get no response and text him to return my call just to make sure he was OK. 20 mins after he does and says he is still in the bar and can’t find friend, I tell him friend has gone home so DH says ok he will make his way home.

DH turns up home at 1am, he fell asleep on the train and ended up far away, waited for a train back, was freezing etc etc. I go to bed and DH is in the spare as I can’t stand smell of beer/drunk person or snoring.

Anyway this morning I ask DH couple of questions and he gives strange answers. Don’t think much of it and get DS to school etc, get to work.

Anyway, DH has just told me he now remembers getting cab home from far away place train station and didn’t return on train. Says he left friend in the bar not other way round.

I’m not suspicious of where he was or anything but I’m absolutely disgusted at him getting himself into this state and putting himself at risk. I’ve told him so and said I find him pathetic at 36 years old. He is a father and shouldn’t be putting himself at such risk.

DH doesn’t go out much but with this particular guy/group it’s as if he has to play ‘the lad’ and be something he is not and whilst I get some of the others (including his 2 best mates) still do this regularly, they don’t have young kids.

So AIBU to tell DH he isn’t allowed to behave like such a child and needs to drink more responsibly or not at all?

OP posts:

Saddler · 04/11/2019 13:23

I don't see a massive issue

ThatMuppetShow · 04/11/2019 13:26

to take life a little bit more seriously when you have young children relying on you to be a decent parent.

they are kids, not a life sentence. They were safely with their mother, you don't have to give up on life because you have kids.

Going out every weekends is pathetic, but drinking a bit too much once? It's not like going on a lads weekend in Ibiza, he came home at 1am!

Who would tolerate from their husband to be told they have a curfew and not allowed to have a drink or 2 with a mate once in aw hile.

billandbenflowerpotmen1 · 04/11/2019 13:27

So AIBU to tell DH he isn’t allowed to behave like such a child and needs to drink more responsibly or not at all?
Imagine the replies here if DH was changed to DW

Beveren · 04/11/2019 13:31

I think he needs to develop some basic strategies for dealing with a friend who "gets the arse" if he doesn't stick around drinking with him. If he chooses to get up and walk out, what realistically is the friend going to do about it? OK, he'll be rude and argumentative, but again the best way to deal with that is to walk away. The chances are that friend will remember none of it the next day. If he does remember it and chooses to withdraw his friendship as a result, his friendship isn't worth having.

LucileDuplessis · 04/11/2019 13:32

As he doesn't go out much I don't think this is a massive deal. I mean yes, he's taking a bit of a risk but he's probably a lot less likely to get hurt doing this than to be involved in a car crash or similar.

If he was doing this every week or fortnight my answer would be very different.

Original poster

BasinHaircut · 04/11/2019 13:35

I really don’t have an issue with his ‘story’, I 100% trust him in that department.

Also it’s his money, not our joint money (we both keep a bit each Month to spend as we want) so that’s not an issue. If he wants to spend £50 on a cab because he is paralytic that’s his lookout.

I probably do need to unclench a bit. It really is once every couple of months if that, that he goes out and has a ‘good drink’ and I don’t really have an issue with him doing so, but it’s the drinking to a level that your eyes glaze over, you don’t know what you are doing, you act like a twat and put yourself at risk that I take issue with.

I am just so over that type of ‘socialising’ and as someone upthread put it the ‘drinking culture’. It’s almost a rite of passage to do it but I really can’t see what the point of it is as a fully responsible grown up.

Also, in the 3 hours it took him to get home I’m sat there unable to sleep and worried. We have a sort of unwritten rule that if either of us is out we have to let the other know by 10-10:30 if it’s going to be a late one so that the other doesn’t worry. If you aren’t even capable of that because you are out of it it’s just not fair on the other.

OP posts:

ThatMuppetShow · 04/11/2019 13:37

but I really can’t see what the point of it is as a fully responsible grown up.

I don't either, but if it's his idea of a good time no more than half a dozen times a year, if that, I don't think it's a big deal at all. As long as the kids come first and you don't all have to suffer because of his hungover

Passthecherrycoke · 04/11/2019 13:38

“I am just so over that type of ‘socialising’ and as someone upthread put it the ‘drinking culture’. It’s almost a rite of passage to do it but I really can’t see what the point of it is as a fully responsible grown up.”

Maybe he enjoyed himself

autumn2203 · 04/11/2019 13:38

Thatmuppet

I don't think children are a life sentence, far from it, I think children a complete privilege, and we owe it to them not to get so drunk as to put ourselves at serious risk of harm. If op's dh had died from choking on his vomit, being run over or any number of other outcomes can you consider for just one minute the devastating impact on the child?

We have close friends and family that have lost a parent, and it is truly devastating for them. It changes their life and outlook completely over night, the shock is horrendous. So please do not minimise the impact of having a parent die in this way.

If op's dh in a moment of sobriety sat and thought about it even for five minutes I am sure he would find the assertive firm responses need for his friends that have no care for their own health and wellbeing and he would find some better friends.

TARSCOUT · 04/11/2019 13:40

It's not a regular occurrence? Who are.you to 'allow' him to or not to, do anything? YABU.

Passthecherrycoke · 04/11/2019 13:40

Getting drunk doesn’t put you at serious harm of choking on your vomit or getting run over. Jeeez!

MrsMaiselsMuff · 04/11/2019 13:40

All because you're "over it", that doesn't mean you get to dictate that he should be.

I'm teetotal and still think you're being ridiculous. What other people do to relax once in a while is no one's business but their own.

ChilledBee · 04/11/2019 13:41

So AIBU to tell DH he isn’t allowed to behave like such a child and needs to drink more responsibly or not at all?

I have to ask, why would you think this is ever appropriate to say to another adult? I mean, you could say "I cant be with someone who does X or priorities Y over Z". Those are valid statements. But telling an adult that they aren't "allowed" to do something and they should do it like you say or not at all is just outrageous. Even if they are your husband.

NormaBean · 04/11/2019 13:41

You can demand all you like but don’t expect another grown up to go along with it.

tisonlymeagain · 04/11/2019 13:41

YABU to 'tell him', he's not a child, YANBU to be pissed off about it.

I'd be a bit annoyed if it ruined any of our plans etc but as long as it wasn't a regular occurrence I'd be okay with it to be honest. I'm not sure what he did wrong? Just because you don't want to do it or you think it's immature doesn't really mean that he shouldn't be able to go out and enjoy himself as he sees fit. If it was every week, I'd probably have a different opinion but it doesn't sound like it is.

autumn2203 · 04/11/2019 13:42

I’m sat there unable to sleep and worried

He should care enough about you and his marriage not to put you in that situation. The fact that he doesn't speaks volumes, and that also needs addressing op.

ThatMuppetShow · 04/11/2019 13:42

I have lost friends from cancer, from a car crash, from a heart attack out of nowhere after a marathon, in an avalanche... Yes it is devastating for all their children, but you can't stop having a normal life "just in case", because something terrible happens to someone.

The man drunk too much and came home at 1am. Really not a big deal. I can't see the appeal, but I can't see the issue either.

diddl · 04/11/2019 13:42

I agree that you can't tell him not to do it again, & it seems to be an unpopular opinion, but quite honestly I think that it's utterly pathetic, even if it doesn't happen very often.

Pretty stupid if he's doing it because he daren't not!

notangelinajolie · 04/11/2019 13:43

At 19 - it happens
At 36 - once is ok
At 39 - more than once is pathetic

Yes, he needs to grow up.

notangelinajolie · 04/11/2019 13:43

*36

LonnyVonnyWilsonFrickett · 04/11/2019 13:44

I understand why you're over it - and I probably would feel the same way too.

But here's another pov - maybe your DH is actually over it too (after all, he does it - what? six times a year?) but is stuck in a friendship rut. The other bloke is a total binger, he probably doesn't want to go out with him, probably doesn't know how to have a conversation with him about his drinking, probably sets out every time full of good resolutions, but then his pal is all 'have another drink' and then the wheels come off, everyone else is doing it, then before he knows it (because he really doesn't drink like that any more) he's half asleep on the wrong train home...

Vulpine · 04/11/2019 13:45

Nothing wrong with benders in principle but it rarely seems to be the mums who go on benders like this

Alsohuman · 04/11/2019 13:45

“Demandng” and “telling” aren’t really appropriate in an adult relationship. If I attempted those with my husband he’d do the opposite.

ILearnedItFromABook · 04/11/2019 13:45

He may not "have" to do what you say, but you're not unreasonable for having limits to what you consider acceptable behaviour, and you are free to make it clear to him that you're not happy going on this way. You can even go so far as to threaten to leave him or stop doing things that you've been doing as favours for him.

We all have our own set of standards. Some people can't imagine life without frequent late nights out with friends (and alcohol); I can't imagine being with someone who would come stumbling home drunk. I'm not going to be with someone who drinks that much, but I knew that from the start and wouldn't even have dated someone who enjoyed that lifestyle.

Maybe you can't tell someone how they can live their life, but you can darn well tell them that you're unhappy and determine whether or not they share your life.

userxx · 04/11/2019 13:45

Leave him to have some fun with his mates, you might not be up for it but he clearly is.

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