Help please - difficult issue around child access and terminal illness

[Unhappytraveler]

Hoping someone might be able to help with the following...not really a AIBU but have posted for traffic:

I'm going to have to be slightly vague about the info as it is a very sad and sensitive situation but the crux of it is that someone close to me (let's call them A) has in the last few days been given a terminal cancer diagnosis. 3-6 months was suggested but they aren't doing too well and sadly we think it might be a lot less than that. There is no possibility of a cure and they have chosen not to have any treatment which might give them a few more months but cause more pain etc.

A has a grandchild who they haven't seen for several years due to the fact that As child B ( the non resident parent/ NRP) was under criminal investigation - the offence did not relate to the child but the child's (resident) parent said they would no longer agree to visitation or contact with nrp or their family, including A. Prior to that B had 40/60 access.

B decided (and this isn't intended to be a debate about rights and wrongs of that decision) to step away temporarily a couple of years ago rather than fight for contact but with every intention of re establishing contact in the near future...obviously the current unexpected situation now means that there is some urgency to do so for As sake.

At the time B was told they could go to court or that social services would be prepared to try and mediate to facilitate contact. SS advised that from a child protection perspective they had no concerns over access.

So what I'm trying to help the family with is what's the quickest way to achieve some contact with the child for A whilst they are still with us. Clearly B could apply to court but I'm anticipating that's a process that could take a while especially if the other parent refuses to engage ( which is a possibility) and time is not on As side.

Is there any way social services could assist? Given that previously the family were advised they might (but 2 or so years on and with the current traumatic situation no one can remember who to contact)

Can someone help A leave a pleasant video message for the grandchild telling them about how special their time together was when they were little, mentioning a few cherished memories etc. Then this can be kept and passed to the child at a more appropriate time when (if) contact is reestablished by their nrp parent.

Doing it all now may be like losing their grandparent twice (you mention they were close before I think). They lost them once when the parental relationship fell apart, and then now they will lose them again.

Others who have mentioned seeing a dying grandparent and valuing it may not have had all the other complicating (and potentially traumatic) circumstances that have occurred in this family breakdown.

A posted letter to the mother to explain the situation and see if she thinks her child might like to see A would be OK too, but anything more pressured than that seems wrong.

There are no words. You're actually pushing ahead....

Do you have any idea the stress and upset you will put the child through? Do you even care about the child

I really hope you are not my ex

Well jellybeans this isn't cancer top trumps but my mother died of metastasized cancer when I was 21. She was diagnosed the day before she died.

Well, my sibling died from cancer at the age of 9! Ha!! I win! Do I get a medal???

Jesus Christ. 🙄🙄 I imagine most people on this thread will have experienced family members being diagnosed with cancer, OP. It’s a fairly common diagnosis, unfortunately. Just because they don’t agree with you doesn’t mean they’re sailing through life oblivious to the reality of relatives (or even themselves) receiving terminal diagnosis.

I think 12 is old enough to be told but the situation has been complicated by B’s inaction and lack of contact/interest. So letter to the RP and then beak out would be my advice. B should concentrate on making A’s time left as comfortable as can be, rather than getting embroiled in costly and upsetting legal wrangles that won’t be resolved before A is dead.

This thread is absolutely bonkers.

Sounds like that poor child has been through enough. Leave the RP to continue to pick up the pieces without adding more emotional torment to the child.

I really hope you are not my ex

Are you gay? I get the impression OP is female. If not, you may be in the clear.

However, if not, it would appear B may want to resume contact so get your ducks in a row depending on how you feel about that.

Franciscrawford I get this doesn't fit your skewed agenda. A asked to see child repeatedly by letter. Calls were ignored and messages to that effect not responded to, at some point the number was changed and no new number given.

RP did not respond to any attempt other than to ignore. RP would not allow anyone in Bs family to see child.

What more could A have done? There was nothing.

"Sounds like that poor child has been through enough."

Yup! And where was A then?

OP you didn’t post asking for whether it was right or wrong. You posted for advice on how to make SS or a court make the resident parent give A and B access to the child.

Luckily, this won’t happen. No official body will allow B to abandon their child, force them to see a dying old stranger, and then be abandoned by B again until the next time someone is dying, and the process can be repeated.

The truth is.
B is an arsehole
A is selfish, but maybe excusable as they are dying and have nothing to lose.
You are massively overstepping. Even if you’re shagging B, which is what I assume, it’s none of your god damn business.

You don’t get to abandon children and pick up again when you feel like it. And all these absent parents that harp on about how they’ve still paid CM, that should be a bloody given. Emotional and physical relationships are vital too. You can’t just throw money at a child and absolve yourself of responsibility.

Presumably in a few years when B is dying, he can plan to harass his child out of the blue again?

Please stop, think of the child!

They're estranged from their father, they're going to be sat with a dying GP and estranged father and they'll feel awful, it's too much emotion.

Yup! And where was A then?

I don’t think any of this is A’s fault, by the sounds of things. Sounds like it’s all on B.

This is a sad situation for all concerned, but I'm afraid I have to agree with others and say that this isn't in the best interests of the child.

There's no relationship there. Introducing one, just to have it end due to terminal illness, is not a good idea for the child.

Grow up diddl. What could A have done?

Nothing.

Someone upthread suggested that the school should be contacted. We don't know what school child attends. Their old school told B they had instruction from RP not to release any info. Even though B has parental responsibility they refused to divulge anything or even pass on a message from grandparents.

You are massively overstepping. Even if you’re shagging B, which is what I assume, it’s none of your god damn business.

Glad it wasn’t just me who formed that impression.

At first I though OP was a sib until the reveal about her/his kids not having known their grandparents.

SS work in the interests of the child and reestablishig contact for this reason is not in the interests of the child.

Honestly having read the thread as a social worker this is the key point.

It also isn't in the dc's best interests to try and push this contact using legal measures.

You can try a recorded letter. I think as a parent I would be very reluctant to allow my dc to get involved with this but if they had a previous strong relationship I might consider it.

But you aren't looking at this from the point of view of what is best for the child which is what both SS and the Courts will do.

"I don’t think any of this is A’s fault, by the sounds of things."

Yes, but if they had a good relationship it's hard to think that the other parent would just cut them out & they would then lose a GP as well as the other parent!

I know it does happen, of course though.

"Grow up diddl"

What could A have done? Nothing

They could have raised their son to have a basic standard of decency and not be someone who abandons their child, but they didn't. They could have refused to stand by while their son walked away from their grandchild, but they didn't. They could have approached the court themselves and fought to see their grandchild, but they didn't.

Grandparents have no right of access. Any court action by grandparents alone would be pointless and was not advised by lawyers.

RPs arent always infallible you know. Nor do they always behave fairly. Despite what some on MN think.

At no point have I said what gender I, B or RP are.

It doesn't matter what gender anyone is, or how the rp behaved.
All that matters is what is in the best interest of the child.
I am very unsure that suddenly seeing a dying grandparent is going to be in their best interests.

Yes, but if they had a good relationship it's hard to think that the other parent would just cut them out & they would then lose a GP as well as the other parent!

I know it does happen, of course though.

Well, you said it yourself, it does happen. And we don’t know the extent of B’s (alleged) criminality here. Not much grandma can do beyond send cards and presents if RP doesn’t want a bar of that side of the family (and maybe with good reason).

Francis A asked many times that RP agree a date and time A could visit. RP didnt respond.

To turn up uninvited would be inappropriate and potentially distressing for the child especially given RP would likely be hostile.

I have never seen such action advised, quite the opposite.

No one thinks the RP is infallible.

Just that it is not appropriate to renew contact with a grandparent just in time for them to die and lose them again!!