Help please - difficult issue around child access and terminal illness

[Unhappytraveler]

Hoping someone might be able to help with the following...not really a AIBU but have posted for traffic:

I'm going to have to be slightly vague about the info as it is a very sad and sensitive situation but the crux of it is that someone close to me (let's call them A) has in the last few days been given a terminal cancer diagnosis. 3-6 months was suggested but they aren't doing too well and sadly we think it might be a lot less than that. There is no possibility of a cure and they have chosen not to have any treatment which might give them a few more months but cause more pain etc.

A has a grandchild who they haven't seen for several years due to the fact that As child B ( the non resident parent/ NRP) was under criminal investigation - the offence did not relate to the child but the child's (resident) parent said they would no longer agree to visitation or contact with nrp or their family, including A. Prior to that B had 40/60 access.

B decided (and this isn't intended to be a debate about rights and wrongs of that decision) to step away temporarily a couple of years ago rather than fight for contact but with every intention of re establishing contact in the near future...obviously the current unexpected situation now means that there is some urgency to do so for As sake.

At the time B was told they could go to court or that social services would be prepared to try and mediate to facilitate contact. SS advised that from a child protection perspective they had no concerns over access.

So what I'm trying to help the family with is what's the quickest way to achieve some contact with the child for A whilst they are still with us. Clearly B could apply to court but I'm anticipating that's a process that could take a while especially if the other parent refuses to engage ( which is a possibility) and time is not on As side.

Is there any way social services could assist? Given that previously the family were advised they might (but 2 or so years on and with the current traumatic situation no one can remember who to contact)

Prevegen, this is where I'm coming from. I didn't see gps laid to rest but I went to all family funerals from about 5 and visited many sick relatives with terminal illness albeit none on their deathbed, which I think was correct.

I know/ knew the child involved; 2 years ago they were intelligent and for their age reasonably emotionally mature. I know child was attached to A, certainly would remember them now and deserves a chance to have a choice about seeing A before they die.

I don't need to check my motives thanks.

Maybe you should check yours?

It’s not necessarily a lose lose situation. The child might be brought up by a lovey RP, who keeps them away from you and an obviously toxic family. If the child gets older and hears that a grandparent has died and they had no contact, they might not even care. If their parent and grandparent have abandoned them, the child might just understand that some people shouldn’t have children, and some families are full of toxic arseholes

Presumably the child will have GPs on the other side, so A, B and horrible U can keep your distance

I agree @SmileEachDay because if you read OPs comments on the first page the NRP doesn’t even want to get in contact with the child by the sounds of it, it’s only so A can see the child.

Imagine bringing this into a 12 year olds life, the other side of the family when their own parent isn’t invested or interested.

It’s more than unfair. It’s like a double blow of rejection.

Op you knew them 2 years ago. A lot happens in 2 years when you’re that age. Especially when you start secondary.

Puberty is hard, why make it harder? You don’t know what the child is going through.

It’s cruel to involve the child when their own parent isn’t interested.
Just for A.

Which will create confusion about B.

The thing is, it's just learning a grandparent who they haven't seen in several years is dying that this child has to work through but also having the responsibility of giving peace to A. Even the most nature of 11 could feel unable to say no to "grandma is very poorly and she really would like to see you it have contact with you before she dies"

I've seen fully grown adults in here struggle with making that choice for themselves.

Then there's also the fact this child has B swanning back into their life out of the blue, that's a lot to take in on its own but then add in the only reason contact has been re established by B is because he's netting his own parents dying wish rather than because he actually wanted to and how, if A wasn't dying then B wouldn't be seeking to establish contact for another year at least?

And it won't be B or their family picking up and healing the emotional train all this put in the child, it will be RP. That closest change if b is male or female. B made the choice to step away for several years and the only reason they are changing that is to make someone else at peace. That's unfair in the child.

I don't have contact with any of my Fathers side of the family and for good reason, my dd was never stopped from having contact but they've never bothered and I can honestly see my stepmum doing this, they all have my husbands number who would have facilitated contact but still my stepmum tells everyone what a bitch I am for taking her grand daughter away. My dd actually can't remember her or my father anymore despite me often talking about various memories and times she spent with them (she was 7 when he died and I cut contact). I would tell my dd that her gran is unwell and dying, but not that they wish to see her before they die, I'd say something like "gran is very poorly and is dying" and then once she's had time to process that I'd say to her if she feels like she wants to speak or see it send her gran something then her father and I will support her in that, but I wouldn't be trying to add pressure by telling her it's their dying wish or that they really really really want a visit.

I think OP wanted a cast iron way to ensure that child sees grandparent; unfortunately that is not available, and OP is getting a bit carried away with 'rights' etc, with not much regard for the child.

12 is not that old; this kid has come through an estrangement (however it happened) from her father's family of origin, and the family don't seem to have done a great deal to keep channels of communication open.

What matters here is how the 12 year old feels about it all. A is going to die (but actually a 3-6mth diagnosis may not be correct anyway).

The story doesn’t add up unless NRP actually never had parental rights. Same sex couple before parental rights were legal fact? Could explain why school could ignore NRP without a court order. In any case it is irrelevant really. Still agree with pretty much every other poster that going in with legal demands is not going to help.

Can you clarify op

either B did something so bad that he or she was not allowed to contact the child and would stand no chance contesting it in court.

Or B didn’t want to see the child.

Either way the best interests of the child is not to have contact with B or her or his family.
If you can’t see this tough. It’s actually none of your business and what you want is completely irrelevant. What A wants is completely irrelevant.

The fact that you want to contact the child is completely underhand and screams of an enabling family who try to try to justify their relatives shitty behaviour to their child or ex spouse.
The ‘family member x’ dying wish is to see their relative but the resident parent is stopping them is a line used again and agin by family members/friends of shitty parents. The mumsnetters here have seen this before lived this themselves.

You are being deliberately evasive with the circumstances surrounding B not seeing his or her child. It is relevant.

Not sure what the snarky comment about the diagnosis is meant to be about. 3 months is probably best case. 6 is optimistic. Do you want the consultants number to check?!

There's spme disgustingly bitchy attitudes on this thread. I thank fuck my own family culturally dont believe in all this cutting people off and going NC. I cant conceive of ever keeping a child away from this knowledge. But then I would never have behaved as the RP has here. Regardless of B, in the RPs position I would have responded to A and kept in some form of contact with them.

That didn't happen, things are as they are and we'll see what the RP says, meanwhile B will be seeing a lawyer to be prepared in the event of a negative response from RP.

Regardless of B, in the RPs position I would have responded to A and kept in some form of contact with them

When a parent does something so bad that the no longer have access to their child and the grandparents stick by the parent, they don’t deserve to see the child!

I can understand completely why the OP has kept their child away from such toxic people who only care about themselves and can't put the childs needs first.

Very selfish. You aren't thinking of the child. At 12 with 2 years of no contact it isn't in their best interests to see the dying grandparent at all. It's none of your business. Stay out of it and leave the kid alone. What selfish people to force contact now just so he can be forced to watch a grandparent die. If they were that bothered they should have been taking the route to legal contact before two years and not be dodgy and loose contact in the first place.

Neither scenario is correct Harry. It is somewhere between the two.

More hyperbole about watching people die...

Do stop with the exaggeration and creative writing. I'm tired of constantly correcting it.

I thank fuck my own family culturally dont believe in all this cutting people off and going NC.

This makes some sense to me OP. I don't think you are right but it does explain your single mindedness on this.
Given the background of criminality and no contact with dc cutting someone off isn't culturally that unusual for large swathes of the UK.

Each update you give makes a stronger argument for the child being better off without you, her grandparent of father being anywhere near them.

Why's that Harry...because I've not confirmed the narrative you've invented?!

Like the posters who said schools don't do X and Y. They do. It happens.

Not sure what the snarky comment about the diagnosis is meant to be about. 3 months is probably best case. 6 is optimistic. Do you want the consultants number to check?!

No, I wasnt being in the least bit snarky, it's just that the consultant's diagnosis of 3-6 months could be way out... could be less, could be more - they don't actually know.

actually, I'm beginning to thing that OP is enjoying 'having her prick in the custard' as my dear departed dad would have said, ie stirring it - and this is all for effect.

Uhm you do realise court orders take time right with a whole horde of loops to jump through... chances of having a court date within the next 6 months is very very slim...

If you knew we did nothing wrong criminally nothing would stop a parent from getting in touch nothing. I think rather it was you new wouldn't stand a chance in hell of getting contact therefore abandoned him.and he still doesn't now! It's just so a dying man can have his wish.is this so B will be in favour to his dying parent over wanting what's best for the poor child.