Help please - difficult issue around child access and terminal illness

[Unhappytraveler]

Hoping someone might be able to help with the following...not really a AIBU but have posted for traffic:

I'm going to have to be slightly vague about the info as it is a very sad and sensitive situation but the crux of it is that someone close to me (let's call them A) has in the last few days been given a terminal cancer diagnosis. 3-6 months was suggested but they aren't doing too well and sadly we think it might be a lot less than that. There is no possibility of a cure and they have chosen not to have any treatment which might give them a few more months but cause more pain etc.

A has a grandchild who they haven't seen for several years due to the fact that As child B ( the non resident parent/ NRP) was under criminal investigation - the offence did not relate to the child but the child's (resident) parent said they would no longer agree to visitation or contact with nrp or their family, including A. Prior to that B had 40/60 access.

B decided (and this isn't intended to be a debate about rights and wrongs of that decision) to step away temporarily a couple of years ago rather than fight for contact but with every intention of re establishing contact in the near future...obviously the current unexpected situation now means that there is some urgency to do so for As sake.

At the time B was told they could go to court or that social services would be prepared to try and mediate to facilitate contact. SS advised that from a child protection perspective they had no concerns over access.

So what I'm trying to help the family with is what's the quickest way to achieve some contact with the child for A whilst they are still with us. Clearly B could apply to court but I'm anticipating that's a process that could take a while especially if the other parent refuses to engage ( which is a possibility) and time is not on As side.

Is there any way social services could assist? Given that previously the family were advised they might (but 2 or so years on and with the current traumatic situation no one can remember who to contact)

I thank fuck my own family culturally dont believe in all this cutting people off and going NC

You mean like B has done to their child?

'I thank fuck my own family culturally dont believe in all this cutting people off and going NC'

Have you made your opinion on this known to B? The parent who made the decision to go NC with their own child? Or do you only apply this opinion to your benefit?

This is all so odd.

You have one side of this story . You claim you know everything unless you are B you don’t . If no contact in 2 years then you have no idea how this child feels.
Based on the fact no one knows what B was accused of . It is very oddly worded ... no conviction. Not cleared of any offence.

I also don’t get can’t write or dictate a letter but well enough for a visit. If they are not well enough to dictate a letter they sound extremely poorly and under those circumstances my own Ds ( 12) would not visit someone he hadn’t seen in 2 years. He doesn’t need to physically see someone suffer.

The decision for this should lie with the rp.

Tbh though op you have a very fixed opinion nothing anyone else says will change that . I hope you can focus as you say B has with supporting A through her weeks/ months.

The school refused to give information. That is what happened. No reason other than resident parent's say so. Schools make mistakes as much as any other organisation and they're not legal experts so can and do get stuff wrong. That happened here.

And all B would have had to do to rectify that would be to write and remind the school that she has PR and is entitled to the information

Every school knows the lay of the land in this area and wouldn’t make that mistake more than once when pushed

Obviously she’d have had to make the effort - write to the school, follow the complaints procedure if the didn’t comply etc, but that information would have been available at the cost of a couple of stamps

I thought you’ve lost everyone but your kids op so it’s irrelevant?

this thread is weird. Op, If you’ve not been about people dying of cancer that’s absolutely disgraceful.

If you’ve not been truthful’

You as a family are all in shock, all very hyped up and have a need to 'do something', make everything from the past 'alright'.

This - and I fear it got lost in the noise. It's heartbreaking for you, for B and the rest of the family. Irrespective of what B did or did not do, unexpectedly losing a parent is fucking shit.

No response actually is a response, it's a very clear stop contact. What you don't know is was that instigated by RP or by the child. A mature 8/9 year old could make their own mind up or voice a strong opinion about continuing contact or not with A or B. And how will A feel if the response is the child has no desire to see/hear/involve her?

I really get you want to 'do something' but in your desire to do it, you're kinda losing sight of the impact. Sometimes you can't fix the past, you just need to focus on the future even if it's really really short.

There are some selfish, seld centred arseholes in this world.

I think you need to be working with a plan A and a plan B alongside each other here.

If RP refuses to facilitate contact with A and/or the child refuses, then in the meantime could the family create some sort of album or box containing pictures of A, pictures of A and child together, and written descriptions of lovely times they spent together? That way, when B has eventually been able to establish contact with the child they can give it to them to show how much they were loved by A. A can also be shown the box/album and be reassured that it will be passed on when the time is right, which hopefully might bring some comfort.

Forgive me if this has been mentioned already, but I stepped away from the thread for a while and may have missed some suggestions.

It doesn’t sound like B wants to @Illberidingshotgun

The contact is only being made because of A, which makes this even more tragic because in the process the child will feel even more rejected.

It’s a huge mess which should be left alone. The only person trying to contact the RP should be B and B only.

There’s always someone (op) trying to clear up the mess and destruction someone else has created without actually thinking about the impact.

The only thing being considered here by OP is that A hasn’t got long. I don’t think it’s even been considered that this is an awful way for A to spend these last days- pondering about this child and being a part of this mess.

Tunnel vision I should say.

I am NC with my father and he hasn’t seen DS for 2 years.

No way would I allow something like this to appease his guilty conscience, dying or not. Too damaging to the child.

No Jellybeans, again you're just putting your own biased bigoted views and interpretation on what I've said and presenting it as fact. It isn't.

And Lyra, the school situation did happen. Third party agencies were involved and pointed out to the school they were wrong but they wouldn't accept it and said that unless RP agreed they wouldn't release any info as RP had specifically told them not to. You can believe it or not but that is very much what happened.

Also, if you’re so key to everything, maybe go and spend some time with A before they die. Rather than aggressively arguing with people on the internet who don’t think children should be emotionally abused just because a grieving family need something to do?

Third party agencies were involved and pointed out to the school they were wrong but they wouldn't accept it and said that unless RP agreed they wouldn't release any info as RP had specifically told them not to. You can believe it or not but that is very much what happened.

Love to know who these third parties were, something tells me they were not official. I'm sorry but I really don't believe you over that. If an official body for example ss were the ones talking to the school then they would have gone straight over their head to the local authority if the school refused to comply with their legal duty.

End stage cancer can be brutal on the body, A might well be unrecognisable.

The child will still have some memory of the crisis that led to no contact.

I think it is incredible selfish of A to want their grandchild to see them.

It was hard enough for my two to see their grandad ill - we did not take them to see him in hospital. They were full aware of the illness and explanations were given on how me looked etc and they didn't want to see him like that.

When their other grandfather died that was very hard on them too.

A latter to the parent and child explain the situation and asking for contact is the most that should be done.
Pushing for more isn't for the child it's for A and is selfish and entitled

Sorry OP, but unless B doesn’t have parental responsibility, or has been stripped of parent responsibility, then you are lying or have been lied to about the school situation. It’s categorically not true.

Hi, I'm a manager in children's social services and will try not give a helpful and honest answer...

The bottom line for me is that this is a private family matter and would not reach the threshold for my team / service (Children's Social Services) becoming involved.

There are no safeguarding concerns, and the issue relates purely to contact between a grandparent and grandchild (regardless of their illness, I'm sorry to say). Bottom line - it's none of our business.

This is an issue that needs to be resolved through good old fashioned discussion and compromise. Adults talking to each other about the best way forward. It seems however that mediation between parents is not an option?

In normal circumstances I would advise that the next best option would be for the grandparent to make an application to court for a Child Arrangements Order in order to establish some contact with their grandchild so that a court could make a decision about whether or not this was in the best interests of the child. I entirely understand however that this isn't currently likely a option.

HOWEVER... the above advice relates purely to the wants, wishes and needs of the adults involved. Not the wants, wishes or needs of the child being discussed. I would advise heavy caution when it comes to re-introducing children to estranged relatives ESPECIALLY at times of crisis or illness, where the child might not have the emotional resource to manage a reunion and subsequent passing of that relative.

Grandparent and father both need to ask themselves "who are we doing this for?"

"Expediting" the process as you suggest OP is entirely unfair on the child and entirely about grandparents circumstances, which although desperately sad are not the fault or responsibility of the child stuck in the middle.

Ive dealt with some shitty SW in my time. I hope for the child's sake the OP gets someone like you crunchy123.

Not like the ones ive dealt with

If you are anything to go by OP then the RP definitely made the right call keeping her child away from A and B and the rest of you. You only care about yourselves and looking good while bashing the person doing the actual slog of raising the child by themselves given B's very very selfish immature behaviour

I also have a feeling that even if the choice was put to the child to see A as OP wants and child said no, A and B and their family would refuse to believe it and stop pushing and blame the RP. A is incredibly selfish and so is everyone around them for going along with this.

Thankfully blubelle your feelings are, like your comments, irrelevant.