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AIBU?

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Original poster

Help please - difficult issue around child access and terminal illness

493 replies

Unhappytraveler · 04/11/2019 12:20

Hoping someone might be able to help with the following...not really a AIBU but have posted for traffic:

I'm going to have to be slightly vague about the info as it is a very sad and sensitive situation but the crux of it is that someone close to me (let's call them A) has in the last few days been given a terminal cancer diagnosis. 3-6 months was suggested but they aren't doing too well and sadly we think it might be a lot less than that. There is no possibility of a cure and they have chosen not to have any treatment which might give them a few more months but cause more pain etc.

A has a grandchild who they haven't seen for several years due to the fact that As child B ( the non resident parent/ NRP) was under criminal investigation - the offence did not relate to the child but the child's (resident) parent said they would no longer agree to visitation or contact with nrp or their family, including A. Prior to that B had 40/60 access.

B decided (and this isn't intended to be a debate about rights and wrongs of that decision) to step away temporarily a couple of years ago rather than fight for contact but with every intention of re establishing contact in the near future...obviously the current unexpected situation now means that there is some urgency to do so for As sake.

At the time B was told they could go to court or that social services would be prepared to try and mediate to facilitate contact. SS advised that from a child protection perspective they had no concerns over access.

So what I'm trying to help the family with is what's the quickest way to achieve some contact with the child for A whilst they are still with us. Clearly B could apply to court but I'm anticipating that's a process that could take a while especially if the other parent refuses to engage ( which is a possibility) and time is not on As side.

Is there any way social services could assist? Given that previously the family were advised they might (but 2 or so years on and with the current traumatic situation no one can remember who to contact)

OP posts:
PanamaPattie · 04/11/2019 17:43

OP - I'm I being unreasonable?
MN - Yes!
OP - No I'm not!

Happens every time Grin

Sotiredofthislife · 04/11/2019 17:46

I should also say my 12 year old, who had a good quality relationship with his grandmother, took the decision not to see her again after he knew she was dying. He was so distressed by it all. I just don’t think you can put this on a child of that age in the circumstances you describe.

shinynewapple · 04/11/2019 17:46

Actually you are probably all right about trauma on the child if the grandparent is obviously unwell. If the child has now accepted that they don't see this grandparent any longer then I don't see that any good would come if the contact . Again, what is needed is s clear honest conversation with the child's RP as to what they consider the child's wishes would be.

See, if I were 'A' and it was my adult child that had had contact with their DC stopped, I would have tried to maintain contact myself, even if just sending cards etc and asking for the odd photo.

VanyaHargreeves · 04/11/2019 17:51

Your "strategy" sounds to me like a planned ambush, I sincerely hope your strategy is not approaching the child whilst they are alone

Your language choices come across as a bit sinister

puremagic · 04/11/2019 17:53

Someone who can be trusted to remain adult and pleasant under provocation asks resident parent if the grandparent can see the child. Resident parent and child says yes or no and this decision is respected. You ask like it's a favour that can be denied. The decision is accepted without prejudice or further mention in front of the child. People die without seeing their nearest and dearest. It's very sad but it happens all the time. After the event it's likely to be relayed to the child in a "we've some very sad news..." and the resident parent will handle it. A sad outcome from estranged relationships.

Derbee · 04/11/2019 17:53

If I was the RP and you’d ever carried on towards me in the way that you’ve been attacking people on this thread, I would be ignoring you all too!

Totally agree with this.

But forr someone who isn’t related to A, and isn’t the partner of B it’s massively inappropriate for you to be so involved.

B is an ardehole, A has raised a child that has abandoned their child. If what you say is true, and B isn’t making any effort to see the child because they’re too busy concentrating on A’s terminal illness, B is an even bigger arsehole.

Putting 100% effort into a relationship that will end very shortly, and 0% into a relationship with their child. It’s disgraceful.

superfandango · 04/11/2019 17:53

Bloody hell. Just let the kid have the good memories of the grandparent from before it all went tits up. Cancer deaths can be traumatic as fuck and you want to inflict that on a CHILD who hasn't got a working relationship with the person any more?

Derbee · 04/11/2019 17:53

And if you can’t or won’t explain where you got into all of this, it’s because you know you’re overstepping and it’s none of your business

Derbee · 04/11/2019 17:54

*where you fit in to all of this

blubelle7 · 04/11/2019 17:57

OP have RTFT and gosh please calm down and stop attacking people.

I personally do not think grandparents and other extended family have a right to be in a child's life. It is up to the parents and given B dropped the ball and decided to "take a break" from parenting that is to A's detriment. The RP is not responsible for facilitating a relationship between the child and B's parents. That is B's responsibility and given B abandoned his responsibilities that is to A's detriment. Everyone in this situation should blame B and take up the issue with B not RP. RP is getting the blame from you for no reason imo

VanyaHargreeves · 04/11/2019 17:58

@Derbee

My guess is that B is the child's father, the OP is his sister, and A is their mother.

Jellybeansincognito · 04/11/2019 17:59

For someone who has written this here for opinions you’re not half rude at the responses op.
Very telling.

Jellybeansincognito · 04/11/2019 18:01

Vanya- op has already stated her mother has died.

Op, what relation are you to this child ?

Baguetteaboutit · 04/11/2019 18:02

This is all on B. What did B think would happen when he decided it was too much effort to jump through hoops to keep his child in his life? This situation may have happened sooner than expected but it was inevitable. And now B has a crisis of conscience and suddenly his child's presence is required to absolve his guilt? Fuck that for a game of soldiers.

Floozymum · 04/11/2019 18:02

It's possible that the child has been receiving gifts, cards etc that A has been sending. Therefore would be equally confused/upset if they just stopped with no explanation

It's a horrible situation, there are no winners.

I guess you have to accept that RP knows there own child best. Send a signed for special delivery letter informing them of the situation. Either the RP informs the child and lets them make a decision or they don't. You can't force that. I guess you could at least ask RP for a recent photo or video of child, without even informing child of situation, just for something for A.

Original poster
Unhappytraveler · 04/11/2019 18:03

Death is a part of life. Artificially shielding children from it is a very modern idea that isn't followed in most parts of the world.

I don't see illness and death as something children must be protected from at all costs . It's attitudes like that which produces snowflake kids and fucked up adults. The child deserves the right to know and make a choice. Whatever that choice is.

We certainly aren't ambushing anyone. I've been quite clear on how we're seeking to resolve this but you just carrying on making up info to suit your own little story Vanya.

OP posts:
VanyaHargreeves · 04/11/2019 18:04

I missed that thanks @Jellybeansincognito

The DIL of A then? Childs aunt by marriage or B's half sister, different DMs, same DF

Baguetteaboutit · 04/11/2019 18:05

It's attitudes like that which produces snowflake kids and fucked up adults.

Yo-yo families fuck kids up.

dreichwinter · 04/11/2019 18:06

I think a dc aged 11/12 is at the absolute bottom end of a dc that could be considered to come into the Fraser guidelines/Gillick competence sphere.
As a parent of dc that age I wouldn't dream of letting them make this kind of decision by themselves, although I would listen to their views.

VanyaHargreeves · 04/11/2019 18:06

I'm basing my posts on the information provided

You are phenomenally rude OP.

I won't post again.

yolofish · 04/11/2019 18:06

DD2, who is 20, regrets the last time she saw my DM before she died, because it was a horrible experience. At 12? no way would I put a kid through that. OP, you need to back off.

stucknoue · 04/11/2019 18:07

The quickest way is to speak to the resident parent but do put the child's needs central, is it a wise thing to introduce them to a dying grandparent, especially if they don't remember previous contact. The courts won't act quick enough

Gamble66 · 04/11/2019 18:07

Quite frankly you sound like a nasty piece of work. You have zero empathy for this child or the RP. I wouldn't want my child around the likes of you especially if I heard the way you were minimising B's behaviour as your sort always end up bad mouthing the parent with care to the child.

BarbedBloom · 04/11/2019 18:07

There is understanding death and then there is seeing someone dying of cancer. As I said above, it was traumatic for me as an adult to see what happened with my family member in the last few weeks. I would rather have a snowflake child than one who had nightmares, as happened with one of the older children who did see them.

Gruzinkerbell1 · 04/11/2019 18:09

The point is though OP, it’s not your child and it’s not your say on what the child gets told. That’s the bottom line. Doesn’t matter what you believe or think.

You’ve been told countless times to appeal nicely to the RP via a letter. That’s all you can do. Aggressively trying to fight for contact or forced responses at this stage is utterly pointless.