Help please - difficult issue around child access and terminal illness

[Unhappytraveler]

Hoping someone might be able to help with the following...not really a AIBU but have posted for traffic:

I'm going to have to be slightly vague about the info as it is a very sad and sensitive situation but the crux of it is that someone close to me (let's call them A) has in the last few days been given a terminal cancer diagnosis. 3-6 months was suggested but they aren't doing too well and sadly we think it might be a lot less than that. There is no possibility of a cure and they have chosen not to have any treatment which might give them a few more months but cause more pain etc.

A has a grandchild who they haven't seen for several years due to the fact that As child B ( the non resident parent/ NRP) was under criminal investigation - the offence did not relate to the child but the child's (resident) parent said they would no longer agree to visitation or contact with nrp or their family, including A. Prior to that B had 40/60 access.

B decided (and this isn't intended to be a debate about rights and wrongs of that decision) to step away temporarily a couple of years ago rather than fight for contact but with every intention of re establishing contact in the near future...obviously the current unexpected situation now means that there is some urgency to do so for As sake.

At the time B was told they could go to court or that social services would be prepared to try and mediate to facilitate contact. SS advised that from a child protection perspective they had no concerns over access.

So what I'm trying to help the family with is what's the quickest way to achieve some contact with the child for A whilst they are still with us. Clearly B could apply to court but I'm anticipating that's a process that could take a while especially if the other parent refuses to engage ( which is a possibility) and time is not on As side.

Is there any way social services could assist? Given that previously the family were advised they might (but 2 or so years on and with the current traumatic situation no one can remember who to contact)

But you shouldn’t be doing this op.
If he can’t even pick up a phone an enquire then what are his motives for starting contact with his child?
If it’s purely because of A surely you can see how wrong this is?

Is OP really A?

B is a little bit busy dealing with a parents terminal illness. I'd have thought that was obvious.

So still seeing their child as an inconvenience then.

B wants to make their parent happy in their remaining weeks.

That's likely to be at the expense of the child's welfare though. B needs to prioritise their child over the welfare of their parent. Sorry.

I am done.

My money is on OP coming back to say contact has been reestablished despite us all saying don’t do it, and what do you know, child is over the moon, big misunderstanding, A is coherent and so blessed by a touching visit, B is back in child’s life at child’s request and OP knew best all along.

🙄

I only saw my grandmother once, as my parents lived abroad and she was resident long term in a care institution here. I visited her with my mother when I was about 12 or 14, and I treasure the memory of having met her as an old lady, as I can actually picture her in my mind. I did not know any of my other grand[parents, so this memory is particuarly precious to me.

What is the child getting out of this ..

Shouldn’t of stepped away in the first place
Children are not toys to pick up and put down when it suits you

Just as insight, just to get social services to process a bloody form they lost twice, plus references they also lost twice despite being posted recorded delivery, you are barking mad if you think you can use them to strong arm contact between two families in quick time fashion, family issues aside. An adoption took nearly 3 years to complete where all parties were willing from day one, let alone forced contact orders. Simple fact is, they have bigger priorities and so they should.

My gf died quickly with I was 15 (younger sibling 12). I adored him, saw him regularly, he was wonderful. My dps and gm made the decision together that it was not in our interest to see him like that although gf would have liked it very much. Now I have children of my own I completely understand that, my dc have had to see two gps go through cancer treatment that thankfully worked and that was hard enough for them.

Contact the rp through recorded letter and accept if there is no response - you tried. But the rp needs to make the call as to whether it's in the child's interest, because you're caught up in the horrible diagnosis and only thinking of the gf rn.

If the young person isn’t allowed to see their grandparent before s/he dies, chances are that they will always regret it and will bitterly resent their parents for the rest of their life for denying them the right to say goodbye

I call bullshit. One of my children has only recently been told my mother died in 2011. Child is still talking to me and appears unbothered.
Why was child told only now? Because I only found out last year and child only recently asked me. Been no contact a long time. But I will give my mother her due,she never bothered to try and force my children to see her in any way. Not that it would have happened.

For OP I'm sorry but I agree with everyone else. It's too late.
And B just abandoning the child for 2 and a half years, what? Does the resident parent just get to walk away for a couple of years?
If not then neither does the NRP.

YY @SugarPlumLairy2

Sad but I dont think it is in the child's best interests to establish a relationship now only for A to die shortly after. It only serves A's interests.

A's passing now without contact is better for the child than after establishing contact briefly.

What a sad situation. Why didnt A keep in contact with the RP all these years?

Op I understand that you are in a highly emotional situation and time is critical.
BUT you are only considering one side here and that's A.
I can imagine the child must have suffered greatly when B disappeared from their life. They lost a parent and GP, how do you know the effects of that on the child?

And for suddenly A to appear, but be so physically ill and for the child to see that and know that they are dying. How traumatic for that child.

I cant see any of this in the childs best interest and to suggest otherwise would be selfish. No one knows how this child has been coping for the last few years and then to throw this on top. And to be blunt, A would appear and then pass on. No, no too traumatic for the child.

it's a very sensitive situation. The only thing I would do is appeal to the childs mother and leave this entirely up to her to decide. Getting legal and social workers involved in a situation where you don't know how the child is doing , would be so so wrong.

was hoping someone could advise how we can best expedite it not whether it's a good idea or not.

And this is the problem, you don't care whether the child is happy or not you just want what you want.

You also say that the child is old enough to decide, how would you know if the parent HAS asked and the child has expressed anxiety or fear?

To add,

Based on that quote about expediting

You seem to have come on here looking for strategies as to how the RP could be literally COMPELLED to hand over the DC to B

I fear you've come to the wrong place looking for support for such blinkered and forceful behaviour

Unfortunately Vanya you've chosen to make interpretations and inferences based on what you think I think rather than what I've actually said.

Anyway we have a strategy in place to ensure a message is communicated and a response obtained. Just to be clear the child and RP know nothing about this atm so no one has asked the child anything as yet.

I was around 2.5 years ago and well before that. I know everything. Being selective about info I write here or changing some non relevant detail doesn't mean I'm unaware of the full picture.

Well that’s clearly bollocks for a start as you’ve said you don’t know the RP, so you only know what you’ve been told. I imagine the RP will have a completely different take on events so since you don’t know their side, you don’t have the “full picture”.

I don't think it's a matter for SS, however I would suggest a mutual friend / family member trying to contact the resident parent.

I do understand posters querying whether this is in the child!s best interests, but, at 11/12 years of age they may feel that they have been denied the opportunity to say good bye to a grandparent they previously had a good relationship with.,

2 things.

1. B chose not to push for access. That is important whether you want to believe it or not. It was a choice he made. He cared so little about his child that he chose not to even try for contact and was going to leave it 3+ years at least.
2. My granddad died when I was 13. He died of pancreatic cancer. My parents made the decision not to let me visit when he was really sick. I am so pleased they did. My last memory is one of us playing cards together in his bedroom before he got really sick. Not one of what my sister says was the shell of a man who could barely open his eyes. I'm sure he would have loved to see me but I'm so pleased that my parents and grandma put me first.

I'm not sure how you can compel an answer from the RP. Intriguing if true.

Oh dear Sue, what a rush you're in to contradict me and prove your superiority. How funny.

I was responding in that comment you quote to posters who told me oh so dogmatically that I didn't know the reasons contact ceased, or what happened or who said what. Just because I've not met the RP doesnt mean I don't know her views or what she's said. And that hasn't come from A or B but disinterested other parties so is lacking in bias.

Yes there are some things I may not know. But no one except for whichever God you believe in is omnipresent and all knowing. I know enough to satisfy myself as to what is fact and what is hyperbole and to know the difference.

Anyway we have a strategy in place to ensure a message is communicated and a response obtained

Short of someone ambushing the NRP in public or battering the NRP's door down and demanding a response, how on earth are you going to 'guarantee' a response? Unless you're including her running away or shouting for the police, slamming her door in the messenger's face or slamming down the phone as a 'response'. I mean, I guess it's a clear enough response.

Just out of curiosity, is B willing to guarantee his absence if NRP does agree to a visit if he's not there?

The court would make a decision in the child’s best interests and not the ill grandmother. Given that the family has stood back for 2 years and the tender age of the child concerned, I think you would be lucky to get a court to agree to this. That’s even assuming you could get it through court quickly enough.

When B felt that protracted civil court action was not in their child's immediate interest

See, what I read there is ‘B couldn’t be bothered to pursue a relationship with his child’ because really, it is hard to imagine a case where court intervention, as a last resort, wouldn’t have been in the child’s best interests. Particularly when care had been shared.

Anyway we have a strategy in place to ensure a message is communicated and a response obtained

Fucking hell. Listen to what so many are saying - this is not in the child’s best interests.

Just my opinion but I watched two members of my family die of cancer in the last two years. The decision was made that the children in the family around the same age as the one being discussed should not see the family members in their final days. I am almost 40 and it was incredibly distressing to witness.

In these circumstances it is an even worse idea to be honest. The child has to deal with all the emotions of contact being resumed only for their grandparent to die quickly or witness what cancer does to someone in their final days. Then add in the fact that their resident parent may not want them to and that is too much for a 12 year old emotionally. But as you are determined to go down this route I would be suggesting a phone call only. I know your emotions are charged just now but for me the emotional and mental health of a 12 year old comes first.

I can't help wondering what B was accused of and if A could be considered a facilitator or something along those lines. As we all know, a lack of conviction doesn't always mean nothing happened at all and the fact B seemed so reluctant to pursue it does make me wonder.