Husband not supportive of my need for maternity leave

[Bellyfish1]

I am a freelancer with one regular client who currently pays me for 4 days' work a week. I am also 31 weeks pregnant and worried how to manage maternity leave.
My husband is also self-employed and earns much more than me but is not supportive of me taking full time maternity leave and thinks I should try to keep on working through even the first months post-partum.
This will be my first baby but DH has 2 kids from previous relationship. Should be noted that his ex went on indefinite maternity leave although she will have received mat leave pay from her employer for the first few months.
As our finances are completely separate despite being married (owing to his trust issues since first partner left him), my husband expects me to continue to support myself through this pregnancy and beyond - it is also becoming clear that he expects me to pay for everything that will be needed for the baby.
This WAS a 'planned' pregnancy in that we were ttc for 2 years and even had IVF (failed) although when I did fall pregnant it was no longer expected and has been a minor miracle considering my age (42) and history (7 early miscarriages).
I have no assets as I lived abroad from age 25 to 35 and have never been able to get on the housing ladder, but I earn enough to get by.
My husband owns the house we live in and we share the bills. His reason for not letting me pay towards the house and getting named on the deeds is that he wants it to be for his children from first marriage, which I fully accepted, but now we have a baby of our own on the way I was hoping things might change.
In short, I feel very vulnerable and anxious and completely unsupported by my husband. I know he won't let us starve but this pressure to keep working (he thinks I should juggle things so my clients pay me for results rather than days worked) and my fear of not having my own income is ruining this time for me which I had dreamt of for so long.

We then had a lovely couple if weeks of trying which I ruined last night by saying that I really didn't think I could/will want to return to work in under 2 months after giving birth. Which made him angry.

You keep saying he isn't a bad man, but every post you cement it further, he is a bad man

Divorce this arsehole.

You do sound a bit irresponsible with money - you must be saving quite a lot on not paying rent, you didn't even pay bills for 7 months so that you could clear your 10k debts (which you think is a small amount!), you now have another credit card debt. And are wanting to go on a spending spree when you soon won't be earning. I can see why your partner, who already is paying maintenance for his other children, is trying to keep things under control. 139 per week should be plenty considering you aren't paying any rent at all. Household bills presumably take up half of that, maybe you should look at reducing your car and phone costs? Do you need a car if you are working from home? You might be able to get a much cheaper phone deal?

This is truly the most shocking and saddest thread I have ever read in MN. And that’s saying something.
I can hardly believe what I’m reading.
OP, please please please wake up. This is so far from normal is unbelievable. The more details you give, the worse it gets. WHY are you still with him?
Ring Women’s AId. Get a solicitor and get out. Do you have anywhere you could stay for now?

OP this is terrible, my heart goes out to you. You should be enjoying this time and feeling excited and relaxed and he is hampering that. It’s not realistic of him to ask you to juggle freelancing and a newborn. Most of all it’s not fair on the baby - his baby. Time to get very tough about what you will accept. Don’t budge. You’re giving him something priceless.

Babies don’t become LESS dependent. They become mobile and MORE dependent. Till 6-8 weeks I was able to get some work done while breastfeeding, knackering though it was. After that I had to take some proper leave.
Also it’s fine to get second hand stuff for the baby but why should YOU pay for it?! What about nappies, wipes, and the zillion other little things babies need?

I really am starting to wonder whether I would be best off completely on my own..

You would.

He's a cunt.

I could elaborate on why, but plenty of pps have done it already and very eloquently.

£139 a week to pay bills and care for a baby is totally unrealistic and punitive.

It's when I read threads like this that I thank the goddess (joke) for mumsnet, because the idea of you suffering this gaslighting and abuse without access to all the excellent advice and clear-sightedness from posters is heartbreaking.
Please don't put yourself through much more of this. It's not loving or supportive or even much of a relationship. And you've only got a few weeks before you are made more vulnerable by the birth and your baby's needs.
Good luck OP.

And remember OP, you're not his therapist. His past issues are not your responsibility to solve. They are his.

When someone with power over you tries to make you feel sorry for them, protect yourself and your own interests, fast. Pity is for the pitiful, not the powerful.

139 a week to pay bills and care for a baby is totally unrealistic and punitive.

It's over 500 a month! How much are your bills?? Babies are pretty cheap - a few nappies and wipes, couple of extra loads of laundry, you don't get time to go out and spend any money anyway. 1000 would be plenty to buy everything a baby needs (clothes, cot, etc) second hand, do that before it's born

Any one who uses the line

* I know he won't let us starve*
In the context of her husband needs to be seriously worried and start securing herself a safety net

Everything lottie said. You're walking straight into disaster. He will NOT and never magically get better, surprise you (except in becoming even worse) and he understands perfectly, he already has 2 children and knows what's involved and is a solicitor.

Are people missing the fact that op lived for free for 8 months and then asked for a stake in the house?
Sounds more like a case of differing ideas about financial responsibility combined with pregnancy hormones than a need for divorce!

You are having your first baby and your dh earns good money he should absolutely cherish you. My dh would let me have anything within our joint financial budget if he thought it would make me happy because he loves me and cherishes me.
Don’t accept second best, men who are mean with money will only ever get worse.
If you were the main earner and dh wanted a new suit would you buy it for him? If so then he should do the same for you.
Babies don’t need brand new things but if you can jointly afford them and you want them then you should have them.
You will never get the new mum experience again and you should be able to pamper and indulge yourself at least a little bit.
In my opinion he’s a Scrooge .

OP heed everyone who tells you this is an abusive relationship.

Financially and emotionally abusive. You have been manipulated into thinking you’re the one at fault.

You’re right that the quicker you get out the better. If he cuts his hours to do a lot of the childcare and insists on your working he will have a stronger case for full custody.

You can say you wanted a family for your baby, but if you go home the baby would have a family of - loving grandparents.

This is absolutely horrendous. He’s abusing you. I’ve never heard anything like it. And he’s gaslighting you - making you think it’s YOUR fault. He needs to know how you feel. You will need time off to recover, establish breastfeeding if that’s what you choose, and to bond. He’s an absolute twat. Honestly, I think you need to re-evaluate this relationship, because I think you’re in deep trouble. The fact he is a solicitor makes it so much worse, he knows exactly what he’s doing.

Get yourself a very good solicitor, your husband will work by reputation, you having a good solicitor is a position to destroy his reputation, this could be the leverage you need to get what you need for yourself & your baby. This marriage is never going to work, a marriage is a partnership where you support each other through thick & thin, if one party is struggling, the other partner picks up the slack. Don't hold any false hope that he will change because he won't

I know he won't let us starve.....

Good God!!!

And this is the bar you set about makes a good husband and father??

If you can actually utter these words about a man who you are married to and who is supposed to love you then you are in a very, very sad situation.

Wtf am I reading
So glad you are married
Now Divorce the fucker and take half of everything

I honestly can't believe you are defending this creep.

We then had a lovely couple if weeks of trying which I ruined last night by saying that I really didn't think I could/will want to return to work in under 2 months after giving birth. Which made him angry. He says I'm throwing money away (meaning potential income).

YOU ruined things? No OP, your husband is ruining your relationship, he is ruining your self-respect and your ability to see clearly. Maternity leave is to help a mother recover from childbirth (which can be traumatic in a variety of ways) and adjust to the raising of a newborn, it's not a flipping holiday, which seems to be what your husband thinks! You will probably find that those two months will be over before you know it, and not many women are in any way ready to work after two months.

You keep defending him, and saying you hope things will get better - it is highly doubtful that things will get better, so don't count on that.

Another thing: he "allowed" you to take out life insurance on him? Bollocks to that, HE should be paying for his own life insurance to protect you and your joint child.

And now you think it's up to his mother to intervene?

It is truly beyond me how you could remotely consider staying with this horrible man. OP please see that how he is treating you is not normal in the slightest, it is abusive. It's as if he has brainwashed you. Certainly he uses his temper to control you.

You need to have a shared account, to which you both contribute equally, for your shared expenses - which, yes, includes your baby because the child is also his.

If he refuses, this is a seriously, seriously bad sign.

He needs to step up and pay more of the bills when you are off. Is he even aware that childcare would cost anywhere between £45 and £80 a day depending on where you live? If so is he prepared to pay half that cost if he pushes to to go back to work early?

Although I would maybe consider how taking a full year will impact on your career as you are self employed. I went back to work 1 day a week when ds3 was 8 weeks old. Dh has him and the other 2 kids though and what I earn pays our food shopping, toddler groups and kids swimming lessons.

So sad and angry for you OP.

Yes. That's what he says. What he seems to forget is that I did pay for our wedding which was a significant chunk I wasn't expecting to have to cover 100% and, although I haven't been paying rent/mortgage, I have been paying almost 700 on bills (household, work/travel expenses and food) per month, on top of debt repayments and saving for my tax bill, so I've hardly been daft with money. Almost no new clothes except maternity bits to accommodate my growing belly and 3 or 4 haircuts a year.
Hardly extravagant considering I work full time. To give you an idea, I needed a new car (my last one needed too much work to pass the MOT, was a 3-door with a passenger door that couldn't be opened from the outside and would've been a nightmare to handle with the new baby). I bought a 5-door banger from my trusted mechanic which should last a couple of years, as a stop-gap, for £1300. Would've loved to buy something more reliable for the baby coming but just can't afford to and DH not willing to contribute. This, in itself, I think proves that I'm hardly a princess. I am not brilliant with money - I do have credit card debt as cash-flow is not always steady, but I am not some sort of irresponsible spendthrift either.

Babies are pretty cheap - a few nappies and wipes, couple of extra loads of laundry, you don't get time to go out and spend any money anyway. 1000 would be plenty to buy everything a baby needs (clothes, cot, etc) second hand, do that before it's born
I get basic spends to £400 based on my WC 3 bed in tbe Midlands, ops are likely to be more. So her and baby should stay home whenever she isn't working except for scouting second hand shops for baby stuff whilst his first born get a reasonable share of his income, he has time and money to go out, and he contributed nothing to this child he supposedly wants?

Even if op had 1k a month to spend on baby, it would still be unreasonable of him to expect to not contribute financially. Its his child.