Husband not supportive of my need for maternity leave

[Bellyfish1]

I am a freelancer with one regular client who currently pays me for 4 days' work a week. I am also 31 weeks pregnant and worried how to manage maternity leave.
My husband is also self-employed and earns much more than me but is not supportive of me taking full time maternity leave and thinks I should try to keep on working through even the first months post-partum.
This will be my first baby but DH has 2 kids from previous relationship. Should be noted that his ex went on indefinite maternity leave although she will have received mat leave pay from her employer for the first few months.
As our finances are completely separate despite being married (owing to his trust issues since first partner left him), my husband expects me to continue to support myself through this pregnancy and beyond - it is also becoming clear that he expects me to pay for everything that will be needed for the baby.
This WAS a 'planned' pregnancy in that we were ttc for 2 years and even had IVF (failed) although when I did fall pregnant it was no longer expected and has been a minor miracle considering my age (42) and history (7 early miscarriages).
I have no assets as I lived abroad from age 25 to 35 and have never been able to get on the housing ladder, but I earn enough to get by.
My husband owns the house we live in and we share the bills. His reason for not letting me pay towards the house and getting named on the deeds is that he wants it to be for his children from first marriage, which I fully accepted, but now we have a baby of our own on the way I was hoping things might change.
In short, I feel very vulnerable and anxious and completely unsupported by my husband. I know he won't let us starve but this pressure to keep working (he thinks I should juggle things so my clients pay me for results rather than days worked) and my fear of not having my own income is ruining this time for me which I had dreamt of for so long.

It's OK if you want to keep your respective expenses separate. But your child is a joint responsibility, and giving birth is not a piece of cake. Taking one or two (or three) months off is perfectly reasonable, particularly as it sounds like he is not willing to do any childcare.

Tell him that either he contributes willingly or you divorce and then a court makes him contribute.

And sit down with him to have a really serious talk about finances, which it sounds like you have never done.

"I don't want to be a single parent" Honey,wake up and smell the coffee,you ARE a single parent-he was "desperate for another baby"so he could control you even further-he's an attorney and he's got all the loopholes figured out to keep you down!

Does he REALLY love you and your unborn baby? Is he providing for you both currently? What if you have complications with the rest of the pregnancy or birth? Or baby has issues? Would he still force you back to work too early? Would he resent you both for that?

I'm not writing this because I'm mean I'm writing this because you are already under his thumb and domestic abuse often begins with pregnancy

This doesn't sound like a good marriage sorry @Bellyfish1

As a number of posters have said, I would get out now while you can.

'Doesn't want to share/pool finances because of trust issues after his ex.'

Bollocks.

You deserve better.

You are married too, so he HAS to provide financial support. And when you file for divorce, he will bloody well find that out.

I would divorce him. He is not a life partner and doesn’t give a damn about you or the baby.

You paid for the whole wedding.

In the nicest possible way OP you need to wise up fast. Start reading up on financial and emotional abuse.

What else is he “not letting” you do?
You would be much happier (& mentally healthier) as a single mother.

You need to get legal advice quick smart and play your cards close to your chest while you figure out what to do.

I’m the first one to support environmentally friendly options for getting kitted out for a new baby. But someone who is well off and still wants you back at work 2 months after having a baby is a shit partner and even shittier parent. He clearly doesn’t value your physical, or you and your baby’s essential bonding.

Honestly I don’t say this lightly, but all the red flags are there to indicate that I wouldn’t even try to work through it at this stage. I’d quietly be getting my ducks in a row and moving before the baby’s born. Otherwise you may well find yourself stuck in a shit relationship in a town several hours from where all your support network is - or freshly dumped and in a custody battle against a lawyer.

why did you pay for the whole wedding OP?

given that you said he asked you to get married

Op separate finances regarding the house are in many ways fine. As I've said I've done that. But paying for a joint child is different. He isn't paying for you not to work (my dp. Said that and I called him a twat) he is paying for the care of his dependant child and supporting his partner. This is normal!
Of nothing else give him a list of crap you need eg breast pump cot etc and tell him to buy the stuff. Problem solved.

You hoped after marriage his views would change. You hoped once you were pregnant his views would change.

You are now hoping once the baby arrives his views will change. You are going his Mum will change his views.

He is your husband and he is not going to change. He would have changed by now. Why do you think his Mum would change his views?

It just gets worse and worse as far as I can see. This is a man who, on top of everything else, is happy for his child to be driven round in an 'old banger'. What car does he drive op?

I honestly don’t know how you can continue to live like this.

Women’s Aid and a good solicitor are your first steps I think.

Well, I can see why his first wife left him.

What exactly is the point of him?

I'm not going to comment on the husband side of things as others have done that...but I am a freelancer working four days a week so just wanted to come and give you my experience from that side of things. I have three kids and two of them I was working freelance when I had them.

Like you I was very nervous about giving up my clients as I feared I wouldn't get them back. For my third child, I hired someone to help me cover my work (not as qualified as me, so I paid them less than I was earning from my clients). They did a lot of the 'churn' work while I oversaw activity and continued to be involved in planning and strategy. I therefore continued to earn some money whilst reducing my workload.

I won't lie though - it wasn't easy. It isn't a mat leave like others have (I was fully employed when I had my first baby and had 9 months completely off). I was shattered with a difficult baby who only slept in my arms. Everything took forever as I was typing one handed and breastfeeding! I feel like neither the baby or work got the best of me, and I had to be sat at my laptop for hours to get an hour of work done. The person I hired was good but I felt I had to do more than I expected. Possibly because I'm a control freak. But needs must - for us we needed that income financially as well as me not wanting to give up my hard work building up a business - there was no additional pressure from my husband.

I had a c-section and would say you need a minimum 6 weeks to recover from the birth, particularly with your first.

Just thought I'd give my experience anyway!

He sounds more abusing with every update

He took advantage of you - saw you coming - a woman of your age, desperate for a baby and marriage. You thought he was your last chance didn’t you?

He’s happy for you and his baby to travel round in a £1300 banger - while he’s a solicitor?! Darling, you both mean nothing to him. I’m so sorry.

Are people missing the fact that op lived for free for 8 months and then asked for a stake in the house?

Seriously? Are you missing that fact that she is funding half of a marital home in which her DH intends to deprive her of any interest. She had to pay in full for a wedding which he pushed her into. She is expecting a baby which he persuaded her to go for.

She's his fucking wife and mother of his child, not his housekeeper providing housekeeping with bonus sex.

OP, do you know how much he earns? How does that compare to how much you earn? Is he paying a mortgage (you mentioned he doesn’t like debt)? Are you expected to pay for things he enjoys too like holidays etc? If you don’t have joint finances, then you should be contributing fair proportions of your salaries that leave each of you with money to spend on yourselves. Doesn’t sound like that is happening. If he’s paying a mortgage, then he is benefiting from your contribution but you are not. Even if he’s not paying a mortgage he is benefiting from your contribution as he will be increasing his savings. Do you have savings?

You are married so you are entitled to a share of matrimonial assets (savings, pensions, house), regardless of what he wants or what his trust issues dictate or what he thinks you don’t deserve as you are so financially irresponsible (which you won’t be, that’s just his bias showing).

As he’s a solicitor, he will know that there are was to protect his interest in the property to pass onto his children without leaving you off the title deeds or refusing to let you contribute to the deposit (he probably did that to reduce the your claim to the property should you divorce). He did that deliberately as he doesn’t want you to get anything from him.

You say he’s a great father to his older children. How did they come to live so far away? Are they at uni or did his wife move back to her family after they divorced because she had moved to be where he wanted to live then found herself without a support network? Why is it a great thing that he pays oodles of maintenance to his older children but isn’t willing to pay anything for his new child who he was so keen to have? As a pp said, he’s actually making divorce the best financial option for you.

From what you’ve posted, it sounds like he is abusive - financial and coercive - and has managed to make you feel like this is all your fault. You didn’t spoil a lovely two weeks, that was him. The “good” him isn’t the real him, that’s just temporary. He didn’t need to marry you if he can’t trust you. He knows that being married gives you more rights than just living with each other so he chose to to commit to you having those additional rights. He does know that these issues are causing you anxiety. He’s choosing not to do anything to ease your anxiety and that is not what you do with people you love. He will not help with the baby. He will make you feel like a failure because you’re not coping as you can’t do your 4 days a week 7 weeks after giving birth. If the baby doesn’t sleep for 12 a night, you’ll be doing something wrong. If you’re tired, you’ll need to organise yourself better. If the house is untidy that will be your fault because you can’t juggle a newborn, working and housework. It will all be your fault.

Please look at the Freedom Programme.

also some of the debt was student loan, so she has paid off her student loan which is no mean feat these days.

OP you work 4 days. How do you divide up the household chores and the mental load of running the home

She isn't funding half the marital home. She very clearly stated she pays nothing towards the mortgage or house repairs. She pays half of actual bills plus her own car, food and phone. I don't think the house is an issue tbh or abusive.
The lack of support round mat leave is.

He should be contributing towards his child with you.
I'd consider seeing a solicitor and getting some proper legal advice. You are at least married which does give you some protection.

Regarding the freelancing. If you stop, even if only for a few weeks, your sole client is likely to look elsewhere surely?

It's very difficult when you work for yourself and I always envied those who worked for employers and could take 6 months or a year off. I just about managed 6 weeks with the first and 2 weeks with the second - both born by EMCS. It was not ideal . At. All.

Your husband needs to step up and contribute more in all ways towards his unborn child, but the freelancing - I think you need to think very hard about what is going to work and how you're going to support yourself (assuming your husband isn't going to) after the baby is born. I'm a bit shocked by his attitude I must say.

OP, you are being abused. Financial abuse, and emotional abuse. Please, please, google those terms and do some reading.

Everything he does, he has a reason for, and is designed to control you. He is not some naive man with issues due to his previous marriage. He's a solicitor, and knows damn well that you are entitled to a share of the marital home. He also knew, before you married, that if you'd paid any money towards the mortgage, you would have created a "beneficial interest" (a legal term) in the property, so in the event of a split, you would be entitled to some money from that.

I think, the reason he wanted you to buy an investment property, was so that if you divorced, he could point to that, and say that you don't need a share of the marital home, as you already have a property of your own.

You really need legal advice, from a solicitor, and you need to educate yourself about finances, and abuse.

Do NOT have counselling with him. He knows all the loopholes, and will turn things around to make you the bad guy. However, counselling on your own, would be a good idea.

He really is a bad man, and everything you post, just proves that. I notice he's managed to isolate you from your family and friends, by moving you away from them. This is a classic abuser's tactic, because it cuts off the support and weakens you, makes you more dependant on him.

Speaking of family and friends, do they know you're living like this? Do they know he's expecting you to return to work straight away, and won't pay for anything to do with the baby? Or are you too ashamed and embarrassed to tell them? (This is common among abuse victims, we think it's our fault, but it's not.)

I'm afraid you're going to have to let go of your dreams of having a family with him, and face up to the reality. You will never be happy with him.

I always think you see the true essence of your man when pregnant. Yours is a bit of an arsehole isn’t he OP?

OP please listen to everyone on here.
This is NEVER EVER going to get any better. He has shown you his true colours.