Husband not supportive of my need for maternity leave

[Bellyfish1]

I am a freelancer with one regular client who currently pays me for 4 days' work a week. I am also 31 weeks pregnant and worried how to manage maternity leave.
My husband is also self-employed and earns much more than me but is not supportive of me taking full time maternity leave and thinks I should try to keep on working through even the first months post-partum.
This will be my first baby but DH has 2 kids from previous relationship. Should be noted that his ex went on indefinite maternity leave although she will have received mat leave pay from her employer for the first few months.
As our finances are completely separate despite being married (owing to his trust issues since first partner left him), my husband expects me to continue to support myself through this pregnancy and beyond - it is also becoming clear that he expects me to pay for everything that will be needed for the baby.
This WAS a 'planned' pregnancy in that we were ttc for 2 years and even had IVF (failed) although when I did fall pregnant it was no longer expected and has been a minor miracle considering my age (42) and history (7 early miscarriages).
I have no assets as I lived abroad from age 25 to 35 and have never been able to get on the housing ladder, but I earn enough to get by.
My husband owns the house we live in and we share the bills. His reason for not letting me pay towards the house and getting named on the deeds is that he wants it to be for his children from first marriage, which I fully accepted, but now we have a baby of our own on the way I was hoping things might change.
In short, I feel very vulnerable and anxious and completely unsupported by my husband. I know he won't let us starve but this pressure to keep working (he thinks I should juggle things so my clients pay me for results rather than days worked) and my fear of not having my own income is ruining this time for me which I had dreamt of for so long.

Leaving aside his twattery for a mo.

My ex always refused to put me on the house deeds because of trust issues. But, when we divorced I was able to put a charge over the house and it was considered part of joint marital assets. I got half. he's a bit thick for a solicitor.

Can you pack a few bags and go stay with your family for a little while?
Give yourself some time to really REALLY consider your marriage. Your husband is not treating you (or your unborn baby) right.
It's easy for all of us to sit here and tell you what to do (you really do need to LTB btw), but you need to see it for yourself.
Would you feel grave enough to talk to your mum about it?

This suggestion was like a huge slap in his face. He was furious that we couldn't just agree things verbally and led him to not trust me enough to even want to consider adding me to the deeds

Big Huge RED flag there for starters!.

Sad to say I really am, but he and thee need to have a very serious talk to decide where this "marridge" is going, you really must.

And you would be very well advised to seek some real legal guidance as to who will get what if you do go your seperate ways.

He is NOT treating you as someone he loves seems your just a chattel to do as he pleases with:(

Yup, you barked, he shouted and you came back to heel.

Stop making excuses for him.

Either he was a great dad to his dcs, so knows ALL about the post-partum and baby stage, or he was an absent or useless dad, so knows nothing. You cannot have it both ways.

Despite your insistence to the contrary, he is a bad man and he is a crap father (to your child.

Agree with others he's financially abusive. I suggest you read up on this as see how much resonates with you.

I think he has deep seated problems relating to money. Was his upbringing very poor or did one parent hold the reins as regards to money?

He may not be a bad man, but the stress of having a new baby in the house may just bring this phobic side of him to the fore even more. It sounds as though his problems trusting you with money are so out there as to be practically an illness (treating a parking fine as a 'red flag as to your behaviour with money' isn't normal).

He finds it easy to be a good dad to his kids because he's not financially involved with their day to day decisions. How do you think he's going to behave towards them when they make unwise financial decisions growing up?

OP I'm so angry on behalf of you and your child reading this.

I don't think he viewed marriage as a true partnership, that's why he has rushed into that but wanted the email from you that you would not claim on his estate. I'm absolutely disgusted that he's bringing another child into this world while treating you and the child as second class.

He "allowed" you to take our life insurance!? He should be encouraging protecting all of you if sickness/death occurs

You have been through so much, relocating from your old life, struggling TTC and have a baby. You deserve so much more, as does your child. I really think you need to leave him and begin divorce proceedings. He is not interested in mediation/listening to you or I would suggest counselling. But he is far too selfish and trying to bully you while heavily pregnant into thinking this is acceptable

As I said, I am very reluctant to become a single mother if it can be avoided. My husband is being a dick but I think he just doesn't understand

Op, you're being so naive. He understands perfectly. That's why he's doing everything he can to keep you on the back foot. I know it's hard to accept because this is your husband, but he isn't just not understanding. He's already got two children so he should realise that the need for physical recovery is very real, and he's actively trying to keep you from being financially stable and a proper partnership in your marriage. He's not a good man.

We then had a lovely couple if weeks of trying which I ruined last night by saying that I really didn't think I could/will want to return to work in under 2 months after giving birth. Which made him angry. He says I'm throwing money away (meaning potential income).

You didn't ruin a thing. He did. He got angry after you pointed out that working less than two months after having pushed another human being out of you might be a bit much. The normal response to a partner raising that kind of issue is not to get angry. It's to understand that you're going through an extremely taxing physical change in order to bring his child into the world. This is not your fault. You don't deserve this. You are his wife and mother of his third child, not a damned employee there to bring him an income.

I wonder why his ex left him.

Thank you @Deadringer - I think that's about all I can come with right now. I just worry that once the baby's born, he may use my financial vulnerability and fragile mental state (which, although not an issue past or present will, udging by comments here, be an inevitable consequence of trying to stick with this) against me should we ever have to fight over custody.
Part of me, albeit the part with a tendency to catastrophise, is tempted to leave before the baby is born to be sure that I won't have to battle for custody.

Yet I fear I am panicking. This might all blow over. Once baby arrives, the reality might hit him of how much I have to do and everything will fall into place.

I wish his mother would have a firm word!

You're describing an abusive relationship. Sod counselling with him - you need counselling alone, so you can start to see the wood for the trees.

Maternity leave isn't a frilly little holiday. If he's expecting you to work, who is he expecting to pay for the childcare for a very young baby? Or is he under the impression you can somehow work while doing that, too? What contempt he is showing for his first wife, as well as you. Her maternity leave was work. Caring for babies is bloody hard work. If he'd ever lifted a finger in those early years, he would know this.

He's not a lovely man, and he's not a good dad.

This isn't going to blow over OP. He will become more and more controlling the more vulnerable you become. You need to leave now. He IS a bad man.

Whenever I hear of men getting angry when you’ve made a reasonable request or want to talk about something that to me is a huge red flag. He doesn’t hear/care about how you feel. I feel really sad reading this post as a baby together should be lovely. If there is already anger there adding a baby to the mix will be hugely problematic. With our first child we didn’t have loads of money so I did buy bits secondhand but the bits I really wanted I bought new.

Could you go back home for a few weeks? Get some space and distance?

What’s his reasoning for not paying for anything for the baby? Did you Magic up the baby all on your own?

Yet I fear I am panicking. This might all blow over. Once baby arrives, the reality might hit him of how much I have to do and everything will fall into place.

He already has two children. How involved was he, if he doesn't know this reality already? And if that experience didn't enlighten him, why are you imagining this one will?

I wish his mother would have a firm word!

So - he's not responsible practically or financially for his own baby, but his mother is still responsible for him? You think it's another woman's job, to make this grown man take responsibility for his own child's needs? =

I'd also be very concerned about his attitude should you at some point become ill. It can happen to all of us. What if you were to become long-term sick and unable to work at all? What would happen then? Would he expect you to live on nothing or would he then be prepared to support you in addition to any disability benefits you might receive?

He sounds absolutely awful. I said this upthread but you've posted an update since which makes him seem even worse.

He should not have married if he was not prepared to support you properly in sickness and in health, for richer for poorer etc.
He should not have spent 2 years ttc to then turn around and say you have to keep working and you have to pay for the things for the baby. He should be wanting to buy things for HIS baby that HE (along with you) spent two years trying to conceive. Totally weird attitude in my opinion.
What father doesn't want to buy things for their child? (unless he's a total and utter money-obsessed selfish knobhead)

Jesus. Now you’re getting a good insight as to why his first relationship broke up aren’t you? Did you never think to question his version of events? I really wish women would think twice about getting involved with guys who haven’t been able to maintain a relationship where kids are involved. Women normally leave for a very good reason. You’re now seeing why. He told you she went on indefinite mat leave? There’s no such thing. So he’s lied to you. He’s punishing YOU for what happened in his previous relationship. He sounds like a bully who wants his own way. What you’ve got isn’t a partnership. You can’t raise a child like that. Tell him you’ve got no choice but to go see a solicitor to find out what rights you have. That house doesn’t just go to his kids. You are his wife and you are carrying his child. He has a duty to put a roof over that kids head and do more than make sure you don’t starve. You need to get a backbone. Ditch this tossed and find out your rights.

I'm so sorry but you are being controlled by him. He is gaslighting you. It's not normal to think you "ruined" a nice evening by simply asing for your needs to be met.

His first wife left him - have you ever spoken to her about why?

Leopards and spots.

You need professional:

• counselling - you really are not seeing the truth of your situation. He is not a ‘good man’.

• legal / financial advice - you & the baby are vulnerable.

Yet I fear I am panicking

Yes you are. Your best bet seeing all of what you have wrote is to find a good solicitir who deals with matrimonial matters and take some Legal advice as to how the courts will see this if it does all fall apart.

But the real root cause of this is your husbands attiude it needs putting right, if it even can be.

A session with a relate counsellor would be good but i bet he will say theres nothinmg wrong here!

Which is true - the way he see's it!.

Go on, see a solicitor!.

Part of me, albeit the part with a tendency to catastrophise, is tempted to leave before the baby is born to be sure that I won't have to battle for custody.

If that is what part of you is saying, listen to that part of you.

Yet I fear I am panicking. This might all blow over. Once baby arrives, the reality might hit him of how much I have to do and everything will fall into place.

It won't. Believe me - it won't.
I'm sorry OP. This fuckwit has shown you several times who he is.

Tell him - unless you can both sit down in mediation and discuss a fair split of assets, day-to-day finances, provision and security for the future (wills etc) and come to a solution that is reasonable to both of you, you will need to move back to be with family and have the baby there.

That will cost him much more in the long run.

You need both practical and emotional support. Your husband doesn’t sound capable of providing this, as he is absolutely unwilling to take your opinion into account as equal to his.

tbh, op i really hope that you take on board what so many others are saying you might love him but he doesn't love you. you need to divorce this person, your child will thank you for a happier life one day because you sure as heck aren't going to get it with your current husband.
leave this 'marriage' for the sake of your unborn child, if not for you.