Husband not supportive of my need for maternity leave

[Bellyfish1]

I am a freelancer with one regular client who currently pays me for 4 days' work a week. I am also 31 weeks pregnant and worried how to manage maternity leave.
My husband is also self-employed and earns much more than me but is not supportive of me taking full time maternity leave and thinks I should try to keep on working through even the first months post-partum.
This will be my first baby but DH has 2 kids from previous relationship. Should be noted that his ex went on indefinite maternity leave although she will have received mat leave pay from her employer for the first few months.
As our finances are completely separate despite being married (owing to his trust issues since first partner left him), my husband expects me to continue to support myself through this pregnancy and beyond - it is also becoming clear that he expects me to pay for everything that will be needed for the baby.
This WAS a 'planned' pregnancy in that we were ttc for 2 years and even had IVF (failed) although when I did fall pregnant it was no longer expected and has been a minor miracle considering my age (42) and history (7 early miscarriages).
I have no assets as I lived abroad from age 25 to 35 and have never been able to get on the housing ladder, but I earn enough to get by.
My husband owns the house we live in and we share the bills. His reason for not letting me pay towards the house and getting named on the deeds is that he wants it to be for his children from first marriage, which I fully accepted, but now we have a baby of our own on the way I was hoping things might change.
In short, I feel very vulnerable and anxious and completely unsupported by my husband. I know he won't let us starve but this pressure to keep working (he thinks I should juggle things so my clients pay me for results rather than days worked) and my fear of not having my own income is ruining this time for me which I had dreamt of for so long.

Actually I’d keep the life insurance and pay it. It’s never really that much and gives you security.
This man will screw you over for sure, At least if he dies and leaves you homeless, ( which he will) you have something.

Save that fuck off fund, I’m afraid you will need it. His attitude to your maternity leave is beyond disgusting. Unfortunately I don’t think think you fully appreciate that, when you’re two month in, you will.

Well I have a somewhat similar situation although married and two children. Financially separate. I took very little time off and what time I took was self funded. But, my husband also took time off later (and still does) and he funds that. And we halve all child related expenses (roughly). Plus everything else is split - pick ups and drop offs and housework and organising etc. Sometimes this needs realignment and juggling when one of us is more or less busy with work or we get into a habit of letting the other person do more, but basically that’s the expectation for both of us.

So I do think on one level you knew what you were in for so it’s a bit difficult to complain about it now, but I also think he needs to pay for his child (as he would have to if you broke up) and he needs to do half the childcare (or pay for it) and take on half the household tasks etc. I don’t agree he should automatically fund you when that’s never been your arrangement or agreement.

You need to think about if that suits you though and it’s fine to leave if it doesn’t.

OP this is such a positive update. You are clearly a very intelligent and capable woman. I don’t know many people who could have read this thread, digested and dealt with it and taken so much action in such a short few days. The list is impressive.

But I’m afraid to say that it is all you. What’s changed with him? How long are you prepared to wait to see if he follows through with action?

He is so, so awful to you and I notice you haven’t told anyone about it. It seems like you want to fix it without anyone knowing. You can’t deal with this all by yourself. It’s not a failure on your part.

I’m afraid I have to agree with the poster who said this is like moving deckchairs around on the titanic.

I’m sorry I sound so critical but it is just because you deserve so much better and you CAN have a better life It is within your grasp.

50/50 is all very well when it's something that actually can be split down the middle like time, money or nursery runs. But the physical demands of late pregnancy, birth and recovery, which almost always necessitate at least some time off work, cannot. This means if the mother is expected to fund 50% of costs while she's taking that time off, she is doing more than half. A truly equal arrangement would require the father's contribution to reflect the physical aspects.

I also just wanted to say this is classic abuser behaviour.

They sense they have gone too far, that you “mean business “ and they give you just enough, the bare minimum of attention/agreeableness/action to keep you hanging on.

Please read the links people have given you about abusive behaviour.

Now he will be wondering about this change in attitude and may start poking around, so please keep everything, including this thread completely secure (you probably are anyway).

@Bellyfish1 if I can keep below 10 full days over 6 weeks to maybe even 10 weeks (which would be much much better than feared), I should still be eligible for MA.

Be very careful. The rules for the 10 keeping in touch days do not allow you to do 10 days-worth of work spread thin over 6 weeks an hour or two at a time. You are allowed to do money-earning work on 10 days. If you take 5 minutes to answer an email or make a quick phonecall and do no other work that day, it still counts as a whole KIT day off your allowed 10.

I have read the full thread OP. I feel for you. Having a child is life changing and you only get to have that baby once. Your husband is trying to mould things around his idea of how things should be with little practically thought around the physical and emotional well-being of his wife and child. A good friend of mine had to get back to work quickly for financial reasons and put her child in nursery very young and always looked back on it with regret that she didn't have the time with her little one that others had. You do not know how you will be physically or emotionally after birth or how you will look back on events in years to come. You may really resent his behaviour when you reflect back on this time. He sounds incredibly mean and this will all be so hard on you. I felt really sorry for myself in the first few months after having a baby, if you're hit with a dose of that I fear for you and I am not sure your marriage can survive it in the long run.

Well done OP. Really glad to have read your update. Please focus on you and your baby and call him to task if he's plays up. Wishing you the best for the future :)

Op- please please take one piece of advice from someone who has been through a horrendous divorce and is still sorting out the finances. Whilst you don’t have a newborn and he is out of the house get photocopies/photos of any documentation you can. Bank statements, life insurance, pensions, loans etc. Then give it to a trusted friend/relative to keep. You will be extremely glad you did this, perhaps in a few months time, perhaps in a year or so but you will need it.
It is not easy to read the advice/opinions given, I completely understand that. it is hard to realize the man you married, your hopes and dreams, are not what you expected. But remember you have support, it will come from the most unexpected places. I truly wish you and your baby all the best- you deserve a fabulous future, remember that when things seem so overwhelming and dark.

Your problem is that you are married to an abusive man.

He is abusing you financially, emotionally and psychologically.

My advice is to stop applying patches (paying for life insurance on him ffs) and get out as soon as you can.

Do it before the baby is born.

You won't look back.

See how he likes the sound of court mandated child support payments...

I'm really sorry you are having to deal with this at such a precious time. He sounds truly awful and speaking from experience, I'm.the same age as you, I would be looking to at this point separate and see if he is willing to change and potentially leave him if necessary. This is no way to treat the mother of your child and your wife. Please don't do what I did and put up with this for 14 years.

...he seems to think we can get all baby needs from charity shops, hand-me-down toys and that there's no need for the baby to be a big expense.
I am happy to have a second-hand pram and am already scouring sites for accessories etc. but I object to beinv made to feel unreasonable for wanting a few nice, new things. We're hardly poor - he's a solicitor and I'm on a decent income but he refuses to take on any debt whatsoever and finds my desire to get a few new things 'princessy'.

A few things leap out:
(1) The emotional abuse. You are not 'princessy'.
(2) The meanness. Toward you and his own baby.
(3) The coldness. Toward you and his own baby.

(4) He is a solicitor.

Stop looking on eBay for used baby gear and clothes.

GET YOURSELF A SOLICITOR.
Do NOT rely on this man for any of your understanding of your or his legal rights or responsibilities.
File for divorce.

@Bellyfish1 what @mathanxiety said.
He sounds like an asshole..sorry excuse my French and no offense meant but seriously this is his child too. Babies are hard work, he already knows this and you will need a break. What if you end up having Pnd or have to have c section. Sorry but he needs to man up. And yes to echo others he is abusing you and you need to leave him.

Before we got married, we discussed my paying towards the house. I said that I would like to speak with a financial advisor or similar to get something in writing, for both our sakes - just to make sure everything was clear as regards what money would be ringfenced, what would happen if the house lost or gained value etc. This suggestion was like a huge slap in his face. He was furious that we couldn't just agree things verbally and led him to not trust me enough to even want to consider adding me to the deeds.
So he has a temper that he is capable of putting to use.
And you must trust him...

He then asked me to send him an email confirming that, should anything happen and should our marriage end, I would not make a claim on the house.
...but he gets to distrust you and makes you give him explicit assurances in writing. This attack on you (this is what it was) was massively abusive on his part.
(And I may be wrong here but this unethical demand of his could get him struck off the Rolls.)

I was angry at how little he trusted me and genuinely did not want to jepardise his children's inheritance (thinking I would just buy something myself as soon as I could and have a separate investment), so I sent him this email.
Did he accuse you of wanting to jeopardise his existing children's interest in the home?
Regardless, you scrambled to reassure him, thus telling him that this relationship was more important to you than your own self-interest, and that he could continue to abuse you.
That was actually what he was looking for, not any reassurance about his children's inheritance.
He cracked the whip. You jumped. He won the first round.

He really isn't a bad man.

He didn't ask me to pay towards anything for the first 8 or 9 months of moving in so that I could pay off my debts...
Nice of him to support you after refusing to give you any claim on the house you were calling your home...

...(not big debts, but credit cards etc.Not more than 10k including old student loan).
You are defensive here, and I suspect he has held this over you more than once.

His absolute intolerance of any debt has made him believe that I am not financially responsible though, which is also why he doesn't want us to join finances - which, considering I have never been anything but financially independent is really insulting but I have just thought I could earn his trust over time.
And there is it, you thought you could earn his trust.

This is the abusive basis of the relationship.

You ask why I married him. The financial concerns almost broke us and tbh, I almost didn't, but I love him and thought this was something we could work on/work out over time. Until I fell pregnant, it didn't cast such a shadow and I didn't expect it to get this bad. I never thought he would be do unrealistic in his expectations of me/my ability to remain financially independent should I become a mother to our child.
You married him because you were hooked. You rose to his challenge - to work hard and prove that this man you loved could trust you.

He paid for the IVF and was absolutely desperate for us to have a child together - possibly more so than me. Which adds to my confusion. (I paid for the wedding so as to balance this out.)
It was HIS idea to get married and to get married so quickly. I was very happy to be asked but also surprised at the trust this demonstrated - hence why I thought he would change and trust me more over time.
It was HIS idea to get married and to get married so quickly.
And I notice how you were happy that you were making progress in working on the challenge he set out for you, to gain his trust .
He wanted you trapped. He now has a captive victim, which is what he wanted from this relationship.
Wanting a quick commitment and a quick baby to limit your room for manouver has red flags all over it.

The only other point worth clarifying is that I have moved 2.5 hours away from my family to be with him. I work from home so have little to no social or support network nearby. If we did separate, I would have to move away from him and close to my family. I only waited so long to have a baby because I wanted a family, not just a baby, so to break us up and add such a distance between our child and it's father is something I'm very reluctant to do.
Of course you have moved away from your natural support, from people who would notice if you were miserable.
You are isolated from family who could help you out on a daily basis and you are coming to a time when you will need support both financial and emotional. This is an ideal situation from the abuser's pov.
Why are you reluctant to put distance between the baby and its father? This man is nothing more than a sperm donor, according to his own insistence on not paying any costs related to the baby and evidenced by the fact that you had to press him to include this baby with the other children wrt inheritance.
Somehow or other this man has convinced you that you owe him. You owe him evidence that he can trust you, and now you owe him access to a baby he doesn't give a damn about. Meanwhile, he owes you nothing. No support in any form.
And you think he would treat a baby any differently?

You are doing a lot of wishful thinking in this relationship and I urge you to stop that and start viewing this man as an adversary, not a friend, who will never be anything more than what he has shown himself to be - callous, cruel, cold, abusive, and very, very angry.
When someone tells you who they are, you need to pay attention and believe them.
Please call Women's Aid and get stuck into therapy.
0808 2000 247.
Leave a message. Ask them to call you back at a convenient time.

Please leave asap, and move back in with your parents.
Would they be able to help you to find and pay for a solicitor?

As I don't contribute to the mortgage but do have a roof over my head, my husband actually thinks I am the one who is mean with money, as I only pay half the bills and buy food shopping. I think this is why he expects me to be buying all the bits for the baby.
What utter self-serving, abusive nonsense on his part.
He has very effectively put you on the defensive, hasn't he?

I may seem mean to not pay more but I refuse to pay towards an asset that will never be mine (the house) so he can have more free cash to save - giving him even more financial security whilst all my income us spent on the day-to-day with nothing left over for savings.
What is this about 'seeming mean'? Did he say this? Do you feel this is really what is happening here - that you are being mean?
How would you categorise refusal to buy new gear and clothes for your own baby?
You are already giving him plenty of free cash for bills, and as a result you have none left for your own most pressing need - a solicitor to handle your divorce.

He has succeeded in losing you in a fog of guilt, obligation and emotional debt to him.

Sorry for all the detail but it is a complicated one. I am applying for SMO but it will only cover the cost of my car, phone bill, and other small outgoings as well as the bare minimum of baby supplies and good, so I worry I would not be able to survive on this alone and will have no choice but to return to work almost immediately.
This is all so incredibly sad.
You are describing horrible abuse in great detail and you can't see it for what it is.

Some words on abuse:
It often rears its head - or switches into high gear - during pregnancy.
Some men use a woman's previous relationships as a means of controlling them and inflicting abuse on them. The dynamic is that they make the woman prove her trustworthiness but they accuse her constantly, and use her lack of trustworthiness as an excuse for control and abuse of all kinds.

This one is instead using your (completely normal) debt and your freelance work/ vulnerability to lack of income. He is also punishing you for standing up for yourself at the start of the relationship.

On top of all that, he is now using your pregnancy and impending motherhood/ unavailability for work to abuse you. He is piling on pressure from a financial pov, causing you great distress. He is getting a great kick from painting you into a corner and watching your distress and desperation.

It is all abuse, pure and simple.

Maybe you are right that he isn't a bad man. Given the evidence of coldness, cruelty and complete selfishness you have described, I would go so far as to say you are married to a psychopath, and I agree 100% with NettleTea's post.

@Bellyfish1, what you are describing is classic abuse.

There is absolutely no future for this relationship.

He sounds very difficult. Is there anything he will contribute to for the baby? Even money towards a second hand pram and the other things you'll need are something. You can get most things like new. The only things we bought new were a side sleeper crib, new mattress for a second hand cot and a carseat. These were things we were advised not to buy secondhand.
Does he see that he should pay at least half for these things? Even second hand things cost money.

This whole situation is shocking. I just can’t imagine my DH behaving in this way at all. He’s gone above and beyond to support me through pregnancy and motherhood and wouldn’t dream of withholding financial support from us either.

From reading what you’ve said, it seems like it’s coercive control. He’s making you think it’s your fault and subtly isolating and undermining you while making you prove he can trust you...

The more I read, the more I am convinced that this is a man who needs to hear the word no far more often.

This thread is so sad. He does not see you as an equal partner and doesn't trust you enough to be financially linked even though you're carrying his child. Do NOT rush yourself back to work, this is most likely your last chance to have a child so don't let him ruin it for you, take as much time as you need.

I'm currently 36 weeks and I couldn't imagine DP treating me the same why you are being treated. Get yourself and your baby out of there before it gets any worse.

To recap the financial side:

• He earns twice your income (precarious or not).
• You pay more in food and bills than he does in mortgage.
• Your proposal to contribute to the property was reasonable, but he refused your contributions when you made it clear you wanted a written agreement.
• For the record, your desire to have a say in the upkeep and decoration of a marital home is also entirely reasonable, however, it sounds as though your lack of financial input = no say.
• Your savings have been impacted by cash expenses such as the wedding but are ignored in his calculations.
• The baby is 50/50 yours and his, but he refuses to contribute 50/50 to his own child.
• You "earn enough to be entirely self-sufficient and to pay off any debts each time I get paid" but he makes you out to be incapable and untrustworthy.

Please read that as if a friend had confided in you. Does it sound fair or normal to you? Does it sound as though her husband treats her with trust and respect?

I think I have always seemed very independent and he liked that.
Is it possible that he liked how you could subsidise his living expenses and do his housework while he pays a tiny mortgage?

What hurts is how generous and supportive he was with her yet how reluctant he seems to be to offer me the same opportunity to bond, recover, be a mother as he afforded her.
I wonder if he was not "generous and supportive" or anything to do with bonding. I wonder if her taking maternity leave then becoming a SAHM was ideal because it allowed him so much financial control? How do you know she didn't leave because she was sick of asking him for a fiver for the bus every time she went out?

Could it be that these completely unreasonable demands WRT maternity leave and continued working are actually designed to push you into a financially dependent situation where he can play the responsible adult and saviour of silly, incapable OP?

Pregnancy changes a relationship dynamic and many women either become victims of controlling or abusive behaviour, or see it get worse, during pregnancy.

The fact that your gut says "he wants to take my baby" is terrifying and not at all a normal feeling to have in a happy, trusting relationship. Also, fearing that he might use your mental state against you would not even be a consideration with a partner you trust.

I think you need help and support on so many levels and if nothing else, please stay with your family for a few days to get their perspective on his financial terms and how they are impacting on you. Maybe you will listen to them.

I'm angry on your behalf op. You must rue the day you tethered yourself (and paid for ) to this awful man.

Apologies, for some reason I missed your update about a joint account, etc.

Honestly, OP, I cannot see this turning out OK. You are working flat out to please him and "earn his trust", at great cost to your own mental wellbeing. He has barely agreed to the basic level of support for his own child in agreeing to contribute an unknown sum (and as you said, you'll believe it when you see it).

You are no further forward on the mortage contributions, and you are now even sorting out the damp (his property maintenance) out of your own "financially irresponsible" pocket just for a quiet life.

I know the TED Talk "Fuck Off Fund" and I agree 100% that every single person should try to save towards having an independence fund to get them out of unhappy or unsafe situations. However, I think it is terribly sad that you spent your existing FOF on the marriage (surely a joint expense if ever there was one...) and have been painted into a corner where you are just now trying to get it in order again, far too late for it to help you right now. You say "if it comes to that"... what level of control, stress and distress will it take for you to actually FO?

Finally, the reason you have not told your family is because you are embarrassed. You wanted a happy, equal marriage and thought that your partner would treat you accordingly. It is embarrassing to tell people we love that we were wrong, we're in trouble and that we've made a hash of things. But trust me; people who love you won't care.

Go and tell your parents how your finances work. Tell them how hard you had to fight to get your partner to notionally agree to support his own child. Tell them that you have no stake in your marital home. Tell them that you're scared to tell him about the drop in income during your maternity leave. You already know what their reaction will be, and believe me, they will want to help you.

Gosh op, you sound awesome - strong, calm, centred - which is exact,y what you’ll need to be as a new mum. It’s hard for sure, but you sound like you’re pretty unflappably, which will help.

I took a year off with each of mine and it was still hard. In these slightly unnatural single generation households, there isn’t anyone to hold/feed/walk the baby while you shower, shop, cook etc. It is quite a transition. It took me all day to get dressed sometimes and I am a hard nosed efficient lawyer by day. Some people find it much easier than others.

What I had was a partner whobwas unwaveringly supportive. Didn’t expect dinner on the table. Didn’t expect us to be dressed even. But most of the time we were happy, if disorgainsed. He then took over for bath time which he loved and still does this shift now whenevr work allows, which gives me breathing space to clear up, cook dinner, or just to have a sit down and read the news if I feel like it. We are a Team. That is what saved us from going mad.

Your partner sounds horrible to be honest. He may not be, he might just be bitter and burned From previous let downs. However, anyone who suggests a woman has to earn her keep in the precious, mad, Sometimes rather sore early days is either ignorant of the effect of having childern or plain mean. Your husband has kids already....

You are right to draw battle lines and prepare for the worst. When that little bundle comes out you will be his or her fiercest ally and protector. Don’t let the next generation think it’s normal for relationships to work like this - some sort of bizarre financial arrangement with sex thrown in. It’s not. Either he must change, and fast, or you have some serious decisions to make in a relatively short space of time.

Masses of luck. Whatever happens, you are having a baby and that is the most amazing, bone crunchingly wonderful experience you’ll ever have, regardless of how hard it is. You will love in a way you thought wasn’t possible, and sadly that might show up the cracks in other love that doesn’t quite hit the mark.

Go and tell your parents how your finances work. Tell them how hard you had to fight to get your partner to notionally agree to support his own child. Tell them that you have no stake in your marital home. Tell them that you're scared to tell him about the drop in income during your maternity leave. You already know what their reaction will be, and believe me, they will want to help you.

THIS^

Excellent posts @holrosea

@Bellyfish1please don't let a sense of failure or embarrassment keep you from seeking the help and support of people who really love you.

The aim of all abuse is to cause the victim to believe that she has no option but to stay. Please do not contribute bricks to the wall your H is building around you.

Please stop trying to make this marriage work. Stop trying to earn the trust of this man.

Your H is not a normal, loving man and no amount of effort or pleading on your part will change him into what you thought he was or make your relationship a mutually loving and respectful one.

I urge you to try to contact the former wife.

Everything merryoldgoat said.

Mean, miserable tight fisted bazmstard. He doesn't see you as his partner at all. & doesn't sound interested in being a dad again. All you'll have is a stressful life with him.

Get legal advice fast. & don't tell him either

Finally, the reason you have not told your family is because you are embarrassed. You wanted a happy, equal marriage and thought that your partner would treat you accordingly. It is embarrassing to tell people we love that we were wrong, we're in trouble and that we've made a hash of things. But trust me; people who love you won't care.

The people who love you won’t care.

This is my second child with a second failed relationship. I do feel ashamed. It’s funny though, when I told my family they were not surprised. They said a lot, by not saying anything. Whether you do something now, in a year, or in 7 years (like me), make sure your time from now on is focused on squeezing all the stability and happiness you can from you and your child. If your husband joins and supports you, great. If he doesn’t, do not get distracted by him, forge your own path and set your own future.

Lots of best wishes for your baby. Lots of hugs for your future. And your babies. You are starting a great adventure.