Husband not supportive of my need for maternity leave

[Bellyfish1]

I am a freelancer with one regular client who currently pays me for 4 days' work a week. I am also 31 weeks pregnant and worried how to manage maternity leave.
My husband is also self-employed and earns much more than me but is not supportive of me taking full time maternity leave and thinks I should try to keep on working through even the first months post-partum.
This will be my first baby but DH has 2 kids from previous relationship. Should be noted that his ex went on indefinite maternity leave although she will have received mat leave pay from her employer for the first few months.
As our finances are completely separate despite being married (owing to his trust issues since first partner left him), my husband expects me to continue to support myself through this pregnancy and beyond - it is also becoming clear that he expects me to pay for everything that will be needed for the baby.
This WAS a 'planned' pregnancy in that we were ttc for 2 years and even had IVF (failed) although when I did fall pregnant it was no longer expected and has been a minor miracle considering my age (42) and history (7 early miscarriages).
I have no assets as I lived abroad from age 25 to 35 and have never been able to get on the housing ladder, but I earn enough to get by.
My husband owns the house we live in and we share the bills. His reason for not letting me pay towards the house and getting named on the deeds is that he wants it to be for his children from first marriage, which I fully accepted, but now we have a baby of our own on the way I was hoping things might change.
In short, I feel very vulnerable and anxious and completely unsupported by my husband. I know he won't let us starve but this pressure to keep working (he thinks I should juggle things so my clients pay me for results rather than days worked) and my fear of not having my own income is ruining this time for me which I had dreamt of for so long.

No one can take out a life assurance policy on someone else

Colour me skeptical but I don't believe a word of what he says. It's all words.

^^ This. It's all words, and he will come back with reasons why none of the above can/will happen. He just needs time to make up the excuses.

OP - life shouldn’t have to be this hard. If your DH and father of your unborn child has no concept of supporting you at this time, then what is the actual point of him? Really?

Why should his first two children have been able to have their mother around, but not this baby? Have you asked him that? Why does he not want what’s best for this child?

How can you have a baby with someone who won’t even share a bank account with you? Or support you through basic maternity Fgs! It’s too much.

I don’t mean to sound facetious, but does he have any mental health issues? What is actually wrong with him? It’s just so bizarre to make me wonder if he’s becoming ill. I’ve genuinely never heard of anything like it in my life.

You shouldn’t be having to argue with your own husband for the mere basics of survival for you and your child! Who does this?

When I was pregnant, my DH never even thought to pressure me about what my plans were about going back to work. We had joint finances whether I was working or not. He wants what’s best for the DC obviously, and in his mind, that’s being able to have their mum around. Hes always been proud to facilitate that and he’s just glad I’ve prepared to put my career on hold to do that. That’s enough for him. Why involve childminders or day centres if you don’t need to? I haven’t worked for over a decade. When I do start working again eventually, it won’t make much difference because all the money will still be joint anyway.

Your DH is peculiar in the extreme. You had to pay for your own wedding??? Now he won’t even get the dishwasher plumbed for his pregnant wife??? Bloody hell. Don’t you ever really kick off and just tell him, rather than ask (not that you should have to). Maybe if you just walked out and went to your mum’s, it might jolt him onto planet Earth? You can’t go on like this, you really can’t. Get your family inside. If you really must stay with him, shame the hell out of him! What’s stopping you? Tell your family. Tell his mother. Tell your friends. Time to get real here. By keeping quiet you’re allowing him to get away with this and it’s abuse, make no mistake. He should be bending over backwards to help you to feel secure and healthy and preparing for the birth and all that will follow. Don’t settle for anything less. The must be something fundamentally wrong with him.

Loveme, people CAN take out life insurance policies on someone else . It happens all the lime. Eg those who may be in the process of divorces are advised by their lawyers to take out a life policy on the husband. Most small businesses with 2 partners take out life policies on the other people. It is very normal

They can’t take out a life assurance policy on someone else and be the recipient of the policy.

Why? Because it would be in their interest for that person to die.

I work in insurance. This is the truth.

I am divorced. I have a life assurance policy. My ex husband is the beneficiary if I die BUT the policy is in my name and I took it out. I just named him as the beneficiary.

You may well know more than I do but surely the law already deals with your point - you cannot profit from your own wrong so if you kill your wife you dont' get the insurance money etc.

Also don't these kinds of policies - keyman get taken out for the benefit of the survivor in a business - www.legalandgeneral.com/life-cover/microsites/businessprotection/business-protection-products/key-person-protection/

Actually I tihnk you are right in practice except in cases where there is an insurable interest - spouse, work partner etc.

"In most cases, it's only possible to buy life insurance for your spouse or civil partner, although you may be able to do so for someone else by proving that an 'insurable interest' exists on your part were this individual to pass away. In simple terms, this means reasonably demonstrating that you would struggle financially if the insured person were to die.
What is Insurable Interest?

Insurable interest is a legal requirement for all insurance policies at the time the policy is taken out. The Economic Times defines insurable interest as 'the reasonable concern of a person to obtain insurance for any individual or property against unforeseen events such as death and losses'.

In UK law, insurable interest extends to the life of spouses and civil partners, but not between other immediate family members including:

Parents and children
Children and parents
Siblings
Cohabiting couples

Although the English and Scottish Law Commissions have tried to clear up this complex law by increasing the limits of insurable interest, it's currently not possible to buy life insurance for anybody other than your spouse or civil partner in England, Wales and Northern Ireland. Scotland is an exception, where children have an interest in the lives of their parents if they have an obligation to provide maintenance. Another exception is where two friends purchase a property together. They usually have an insurable interest equivalent to the amount of the mortgage.
Deed of Assignment

One way around this issue is for people to assign their policy to someone else. A deed of assignment is a legal arrangement that transfers the ownership of a life insurance policy from the existing owner to a named beneficiary. As with all transactions of this nature, both parties need to be present to ensure the document conveys what it needs to.

The law assumes that the person buying life insurance would only name a beneficiary within their policy if they wanted to protect them financially. There's usually no requirement for any beneficiary to prove insurable interest at the time the deed of assignment is completed.

Other options include adding provisions in a will or placing the policy in a trust.

As these options are likely to have different tax implications, you should always seek advice from your legal adviser."

I am right

The Beneficiary can be anyone
The policy holder can’t be someone else who is also the recipient

It’s called Moral Hazard

Please ask him to get his will updated to reflect that the house is split between all DC (current & as yet unborn) and you can stay resident until the youngest child is out of FT education.

And get him to take out life insurance - please do your calculations to work out how much is needed and remember he’ll probably want his other DC to be beneficiaries as well so amount should reflect this.

These 2 things are easy for him to do. He should prioritise them urgently to show you he cares.

OP, you said way back near the beginning of the thread that you had already taken out a life insurance policy on him. (I was outraged, as HE should have taken this out, for you and the baby's benefit).

So when you now say that you're going to take out such a policy, what do you mean? What is the difference between these two policies?

Generally, many steps in the right direction. Over all, my advice is that you get much more accustomed to telling him what's happening, particularly what you are doing and what you expect from him to facilitate this. Stop asking and waiting for permission.

These 2 things are easy for him to do. He should prioritise them urgently to show you he cares

But he doesn’t care.

These words are just to placate Bellyfish
Like all abusers he realised he has gone a step too far and was in danger of you leaving before his previous baby is born.

Now he has got you again with a few words and you are the one who is still going to be out of pocket, fixing the damp, plumbing in the dishwasher, taking out a life insurance on his life. (Is that even possible)

Words are cheap and the older he gets the worse he will get.

Previous= precious

@lottiegarbanzo you're mistaken. OP said he had agreed that she could take out a policy, but she hadn't done it yet.

I asked for his permission to take out life insurance on him, which he agreed to. I haven't as yet,

OP I'm so glad to here your parents are fit and have spare rooms available. Please talk to them about all of this so they understand your situation.

Would your parents be interested to mind the baby once you return to work? I can imagine a very happy life for you and the baby, living with your parents and you continuing your freelance work from their home - where you would also get to be close to the baby all day but have piece of mind knowing DC is well cared for to focus on work.

My advice is to move to your parents place before the baby arrives, given all the red flags related to your husband which you've described. If you decide against this, your parents are a good lifeline for post-birth as well.

Do you have a relationship with the step DC's mother? I wonder what her perspective is on why the relationship broke down. Also, why is contact with the Step DCs so infrequent? It seems odd that a solicitor would not have managed to obtain at least 50/50 contact if he is as committed to them as you say

Oliversmumsarmy that’s why I’m saying he should urgently prioritise these things - and OP should insist on proof - so that she can satisfy herself that he is a good (if tight and not very trusting) man.

If he doesn’t agree to doing this now, ASAP, before the baby is born ... if he doesn’t prioritise it, then OP has more proof of his feelings.

These things are simple to do and don’t involve him giving away anything financially, but they protect OP.

There’s no reason for him not to do these things.

So if he doesn’t do it he doesn’t care.

But she needs him to prove that. This thread won’t convince her, his actions will. (Or his inaction.)

These words are just to placate Bellyfish

Yup.

He’s not actually going to do any of this, he just didn’t argue with her at the time.

In a couple of weeks he will blow up at her again for ‘ruining things’.

Why is he the one with a home office if you are the person who works from home?

I had a friend in your position. Her partner made her contribute to half of all the household bills whilst she was on maternity leave. One of her responsibilities was the food bill, which she had to put on her credit card for the duration of her maternity leave and pay it back once she returned to work!

So far Bellyfish you seem happier but what exactly has changed.

What has he done, what has he paid for, what compromises has he made?

All what you want is something that any husband would do automatically. You aren’t asking for something extraordinary.

Can I ask if you aren’t going to be on the deeds of any house and you have planned for 1 eventuality (him dying before you) and people have asked what happens if you split up.

There is another eventuality. What happens if you stay and you get to your 60s/70s/80s

What happens if he has to go into a home and the house has to be sold to pay for care You could find yourself homeless in your 70s

Re life insurance. Oh right, I didn't have time to scroll back earlier and check. So, again, OP. Tell him HE needs to pay for HIS life insurance.

The very concept of his giving you permission to spend your own money on something he should be paying for (and which he couldn't stop you doing anyway) is really cringingly uncomfortable, in the weirdest, most horrible sense.

Your H needs to take responsibility for what would happen to his wife and his child, in the event of his death. That's how life insurance usually works.

But hey, he'll have taken out insurance on you, right? He would actually be in a sticky situation, having to pay for all his new child's expenses and care, were you no longer around. Especially so, given his current expectations of you and your magical fully child-supporting earning potential.

There are a couple of other things - sorry to overwhelm OP! Just while I remember...

If you take out life insurance for when you die don’t put it in his name as the beneficiary. Put it in a trusted relations name - and write a letter of intent so there is clear instructions of how it is to be used for your child. That relation can give it to your DH but there is some control. Better still, name two guardians now in your will, not DH, that will have life insurance and your assets in a discretionary trust for your child.

Get some proper legal advice and some proper advice from a domestic abuse service. You don’t have to say you are being abused, but you are potentially vulnerable and they know exactly how to get you to protect yourself financially. You can keep meeting with them every few months if you like and they will support you.

Keep a log of financial or other incidents and keep these all password protected. Things like the damp etc get repaired and log all in one place.

I’m not judging as I’m 7 years in.

Bellyfish that's a great update - let's hope he shows action as much as talks it!

I too am in some disbelief at the selfishness of a man who requires a whole room to himself as a "home office" while working in an office out of the home, while you, as a freelancer, don't have equal space. And then the plan to split your bedroom for your chid.

Everyone else in your family has private space except for you.

If you take out life insurance for when you die don’t put it in his name as the beneficiary.

Well then he won’t put her as beneficiary

I am glad that you are feeling better about everything op, but I think it's very sad that your dh has put you through all this stress and upset over money when it's so unnecessary. I wish you well in the future. May I just say that all of the posters who have taken the time to give advice and share their experiences to help a stranger in need is mumsnet at it's finest.