Husband not supportive of my need for maternity leave

[Bellyfish1]

I am a freelancer with one regular client who currently pays me for 4 days' work a week. I am also 31 weeks pregnant and worried how to manage maternity leave.
My husband is also self-employed and earns much more than me but is not supportive of me taking full time maternity leave and thinks I should try to keep on working through even the first months post-partum.
This will be my first baby but DH has 2 kids from previous relationship. Should be noted that his ex went on indefinite maternity leave although she will have received mat leave pay from her employer for the first few months.
As our finances are completely separate despite being married (owing to his trust issues since first partner left him), my husband expects me to continue to support myself through this pregnancy and beyond - it is also becoming clear that he expects me to pay for everything that will be needed for the baby.
This WAS a 'planned' pregnancy in that we were ttc for 2 years and even had IVF (failed) although when I did fall pregnant it was no longer expected and has been a minor miracle considering my age (42) and history (7 early miscarriages).
I have no assets as I lived abroad from age 25 to 35 and have never been able to get on the housing ladder, but I earn enough to get by.
My husband owns the house we live in and we share the bills. His reason for not letting me pay towards the house and getting named on the deeds is that he wants it to be for his children from first marriage, which I fully accepted, but now we have a baby of our own on the way I was hoping things might change.
In short, I feel very vulnerable and anxious and completely unsupported by my husband. I know he won't let us starve but this pressure to keep working (he thinks I should juggle things so my clients pay me for results rather than days worked) and my fear of not having my own income is ruining this time for me which I had dreamt of for so long.

OP, sending you .

You’re right we don’t know him and it’s not the full picture. It sounds awful though - damp untreated (why?) a dishwasher you’ve bought unplumbed in (what reasoning could there possibly be for that?).

Whatever else he is, he has serious financial issues that are causing problems.

He needs to address those.

It is not ‘princessy’ to insist on that.

And as to your business, that is your decision:

He is not happy for me to take on the expense of paying for outside help. He would prefer me to try and at do the minimum, hope that they won't notice and then return fully asap.

It’s got nothing whatsoever to do with him how you run your business.

You make the decision, you forecast your income based on your decision, then you inform him how much you can contribute to living costs whilst on maternity leave. Not the other way around.

And I don’t know why you have to shoulder the cost of big ticket items like a pram.

He’s being absolutely awfully unreasonable if he’s not being abusive. If you believe he’s not abusive then you should be able to lay it all out and tell him how awfully he’s behaving. And he should listen.

Beans, yes same here. No new partner would get a penny of my house and in fact I am so happy not having a man living here I think it will be me and the children forever so no chance of messing up their inheritance so yes I see the husband's side here but I tihnk we would need both side's views to be very sure what is going on here. It seems weird to me he didn't marry his partner and yet did this time but with some kind of possibly non binding pre-nup presuambly because he was prepared to risk his assets and loves her much more than his first partner and mother of his first children. Hard to tell.

Interesting that he is not prepared for her to tae on outside help. Wow - that is ridiculous. One reason I earned 10x my hbusband by the end was that we both took on full time outside help so we could maximise our earnings.

I am divorced and own my house which I live with my kids. There is no way I would agree to someone moving in, marrying them and then losing my kids inheritance. I’m sure men feel the same.

Well yes I agree with you and I won't be marrying someone and have them possibly take half of my flat from me.
But this man has married the OP and agreed to have a child with her and she is now pregnant. If he did not want to support her properly then he should not have done this. He's saying she has to pay for all the baby things herself. It's all manner of wrong.
They should now be thinking about moving home so the baby actually has it's own room. He won't pay for a plumber for the dishwasher.
So although I don't think she should be able to divorce him and take half of the house, she could divorce him and get something in the settlement and have child support paid.

If he was not prepared to support her and his child and make suitable arrangements to protect OP should he die, then he should not have got married.

SpanglyPrincess

Of course, she should have limited claim to an asset owned before marriage while the marriage is still new. However, this is about her DH not allowing her to even make suggestions about improving their living arrangements to suit a newborn. She cannot seem to get damp fixed or a working dishwasher...

Frankly, it might be a far better and fairer solution to move as she suggests and for her to treated as an equal the new house. He can then do with the other as he likes.

And if they stay married for a long time- she probably would get consideration for that asset. They are married. Just because she might not earn as much or pay as much, she probably contributes to the family just as he does.

@Bellyfish1

You say you are not ready to accept your husband is abusive and that reading this thread is distressing for you. The advice being given is based on the information you provide, so I think subconsciously you already know exactly what the situation is.

Might I suggest you go to your family, speak to them about what is really going on and make some decisions on how you want to proceed.

Then maybe when you are ready, come back to get advice on next steps.

I am divorced and own my house which I live with my kids. There is no way I would agree to someone moving in, marrying them and then losing my kids inheritance. I’m sure men feel the same.

And you would make sure any new child you had had no access to your previous kids inheritance?

Surely you would want to split the inheritance between your earlier kids, your new one and its father - should he be left to bring up that child alone?

Well actually that's not true either. It was an asset owned pre marriage that she hasn't contributed towards either repairs or mortgage. So depending on length of marriage etc then legally she isn't automatically entitled to it.

She hasn’t contributed as she’s not been allowed to because he wants her to have no claim on it.

If they divorced after, say, 10 years it would have been the marital home all that time, it would also be the child’s home. So yes she would have a claim on it.

If she hasn’t been married long, has made no contributions, has her own property as ‘advised’ by her DH - her claim is more oblique which is exactly why he set it up this way.

I sought legal advice pre living with dp and he has no entitlement to my house but we aren't married. Don't take the advice on here as golden that you have a legal. Claim, get advice.

Actually op the idea of you and your spouse buying a bugger palce jointly is a good idea. No need to split rooms and you can both be names and will give you security.
Would that work for him? It's a good compromise.

Ref house isnt relevant. Your current circs are the important things to fix as the house is a nonissue really. It isn't the big that is abusive... What IS abusive is not working together to provide for your joint new baby. That's not on.

Actually op the idea of you and your spouse buying a bugger palce jointly is a good idea. No need to split rooms and you can both be names and will give you security.
Would that work for him? It's a good compromise

But it is just an idea that has already been dismissed by him.

They maybe married and op maybe pregnant but a one night stand has more of an honest relationship that the op and her husband.

I must have missed that bit. I'm sorry then op.
I don't know how you can sort this if he won't compromise!

Yes. He won’t discuss moving even though OP has asked to discuss it and he won’t discuss improving the current place. He also gets angry if she mentions that she would like to seek some financial advise on what might be the better solution for her by way of splitting any costs or bills. He is encouraging her to buy investment property but refuses to let her have any influence over ‘his’ house.

I'd bite dps hand off if he would actually pay towards a joint home but he can't so that's that.
I'm sorry op that's really crappy. Can you get some financial advice?
You need to lay the law and mean it. I mean do some work or we can love isn't complicated as an idea.
Could Dsc share? Baby have other room (assuming your in a 3 bed not a 2).

There is a big big difference between wanting to protect pre owned assets for your first family.

And still keeping those assets for your first family as you build your second!

That is what is happening. From now OP is contributing to the house. Yet her DH is denying and actively blocking this. She seems content to not work as a team as DH has trust issues, hoping that it will someday get better.

Your statement here worries me...
i agree that maintaining some sort of income and independence will essentially be to my and the baby's benefit. NO! That is only to HIS benefit. Maintaining an income will only mean you are going to try juggling too much when you actually want to work as a team and stay at home until you are ready. And independence? You mean live in a house he can kick you out of any time?

Op I recognise your situation very well. Heed all the wise words here. Wishing you all the very best

He won’t move because he owned the house before they married I think. So it’s not a marital asset. So she has less to no claim on it in the event of divorce. If they move and buy a new house either together or whilst married, she has a claim on it.

That’s not correct @Volvemoss.

If a house owned by one person prior to the marriage is lived in as your marital home, this will usually be treated as a matrimonial asset, although that does not necessarily mean it would be divided equally.

That’s good to know @Alsohuman.

Everyone save your breath it's quite apparent the OP is determined to rationalize,minimize and flat out ignore the 99.9% of us telling her how vile her husband is and how abusive her relationship is,sadly. She seems like a wonderful and kind person but she isn't ready to admit the truth and leave. Hopefully she will at some point

It's one thing for a couple with adult children or with no plans to have further children agreeing to keep their housing assets separate. It's completely different when they are about to have a baby together. I was also worried to read how the OP's husband s expected her to sort out life insurance. While it's fine to have a new born in the same bedrom, what does the OP's husband plan for when the baby is older? I think it is really strange that the OP's husband pays for IVF but not the wedding and despite already having had children believes it is quite possible to combine working from home and looking after a baby. The odd few hours yes but the OP said she is currently working 4 days a week.

Although she isn’t contributing directly to the house, she is paying well over half of the bills. He’s getting a sweet deal as his money is going towards an asset and her money is towards expenses. That’s part of the reasoning behind why she is entitled to a share of the house. She’s paying towards sunk costs and he isn’t.

Where does it say that? She said half bills some. Food shopping and her own car and phone. I didn't see anywhere where she said more than half and for 8 mth she contributed nothing at all.

Just to 100% clarify house issue aside. He's being an arse!

He's sold you the illusion of a partnership by rushing you into marriage.
He always intended on playing this HIS way.
He never intended on merging finances in any way - even with a dc in the mix.
He expects you to be a live-in romantic partner who pays their way like a housemate -apparently even having a child together isn't relevant enough to change that boundary.

He's even thought ahead to IF you split up and is getting you to finance your own accommodation just in case of that happening.

Doing things HIS way was more important to him than your financial security, hence he prioritized rushing you into getting married rather than respect your sensible decision to pay off debts first.
He doesn't care about the difference in earnings/earning power between you, he intends to only contribute exactly his share as one adult, and for the DC - only what HE feels like contributing.

So basically you're there to play a role on his terms.
You're essentially a 'lone' parent in all ways and only 'live' together on a superficial level.

He sounds like a monster to me.

Wow, you're naive. And in a very vulnerable position.

I don’t think the OP will be back, poor woman is probably trying to suck in all of the masses of info here and has been left reeling.

OP, even if you’re asking about it in another guise get your MA set up and ask Mumsnet for help if you get stuck, not DH