Husband not supportive of my need for maternity leave

[Bellyfish1]

I am a freelancer with one regular client who currently pays me for 4 days' work a week. I am also 31 weeks pregnant and worried how to manage maternity leave.
My husband is also self-employed and earns much more than me but is not supportive of me taking full time maternity leave and thinks I should try to keep on working through even the first months post-partum.
This will be my first baby but DH has 2 kids from previous relationship. Should be noted that his ex went on indefinite maternity leave although she will have received mat leave pay from her employer for the first few months.
As our finances are completely separate despite being married (owing to his trust issues since first partner left him), my husband expects me to continue to support myself through this pregnancy and beyond - it is also becoming clear that he expects me to pay for everything that will be needed for the baby.
This WAS a 'planned' pregnancy in that we were ttc for 2 years and even had IVF (failed) although when I did fall pregnant it was no longer expected and has been a minor miracle considering my age (42) and history (7 early miscarriages).
I have no assets as I lived abroad from age 25 to 35 and have never been able to get on the housing ladder, but I earn enough to get by.
My husband owns the house we live in and we share the bills. His reason for not letting me pay towards the house and getting named on the deeds is that he wants it to be for his children from first marriage, which I fully accepted, but now we have a baby of our own on the way I was hoping things might change.
In short, I feel very vulnerable and anxious and completely unsupported by my husband. I know he won't let us starve but this pressure to keep working (he thinks I should juggle things so my clients pay me for results rather than days worked) and my fear of not having my own income is ruining this time for me which I had dreamt of for so long.

He married knowing that meant at least half of all he had could be wrenched from his first children. Silly man I would say as he knows an unfair prenup will not be enforced in England. He may now be trying to persuade the poster something in law is different from what it actually is (her rights on divorce) but the issue of caryring on working in a sense is different.

As I posted above it can protect the baby if you work in case the man disappears. Do register that charge on the home which you can do in a few minutes (spousal right of occupation etc). Secondly on the practicalities if you are well enough in a week or two fater birth at home working can be a huge rest actually IF you have childcare. So my husband found ours before our first child was born. With the twins (when I was self employed based at home - more like you are) I found sojeone to come to the house each day to look after them from 8am to 6pm to look after the twins. Obviously all costs like that are shared between normal parents! on a fair basis. In our case every single account was always joint anyway as I was 21 when we married so even though ultimately I earned 10x what he did it was all our money and childcare costs came from the one joint account.

As I said above I would not now move a man in even never mind marry him as my children will be getting every penny when or before I die and not any new man no matter how much he is loved.

He’s going to expect you to work full time and parent full time until this child is at school. Do you really think he’d ever pay for childcare?

There’s all the above awfulness as well but that is one point I thought of.

Oh OP

I can tell that you love your husband, and that you at least are desperate to be a family unit together, which must make this so very difficult.

But, please, listen to all the voices up thread.

If that's not enough, contact women's aid for advice. Protect yourself and your baby while you can.

He sounds very selfish , I'm currently on mat leave and my husband gives me 300 quid a week of his wage to pay the Bill's and I get stat maternity pay also to buy the shopping and things, he wouldn't dream of withholding money from me , how can you possibly work with a little.baby ? It's just not possible at all
Also the house situation saying he wants to leave the home to the first marriage children, so is he excluding your little one from this also ?? I dont want to sound horrible but it doesn't sound like he even wants this child to me

One two three more what a patronising sod you are wind your neck in please

Bellyfish1

You talk about how you are not ready to believe the multiple people on here who have experienced the type of abuse you are being subjected to first hand or helped friends and family through break ups with abusive people.

It is like we are catastrophizing the situation and your dh isn’t the same as everyone else’s abusive ex

The thing is there is a script of how things play out.
How people act or react, say or don’t say.

Posters recognise the script. It is like watching a film you have already seen and telling someone what is going to happen and they don’t believe you and expect a different outcome.

You say you already know in your gut, like the people who have been through giving birth and raising a new born that returning to work straight after birth is not going to happen.

So when your gut is telling you that he just wants your baby and not you why don’t you believe it.

If you want to put it into hard evidence before you begin to believe it I would suggest that the fact you live in a 1 bed house and he isn’t wanting to move screams volumes.

Are you going to be cramped into 1/2 a bedroom till your child goes off to university or is he just saying he doesn’t want to move atm. If he doesn’t want to move now when there is a need for a 2nd bedroom then when?

That he wants you to return to work immediately after giving birth whilst he will be the main carer. Screams volumes.

It has to be asked why he needs to give to his work when you need to recover also

That he made you pay for the wedding and wants you to pay for all the baby stuff to wipe any savings or access to money you may have. Screams volumes

That he doesn’t even want to plumb in Your dishwasher screams volumes

He doesn’t want any part of you in the house

These are all things you have written that he has done or said.

These aren’t things that posters have made up.

My advice would be to get all your paperwork together.

Take copies of any bank statements or Investments and mortgage statements or any relevant paperwork you can get your hands on and get out now

I asked about whether the house you lived in was a nice house as sometimes you see on here people who don’t want to downgrade their living accommodation despite being abused and not actually on the deeds.

It sounds like what you have described that any move would be a step up from where you are living.

Friend was offered a flat to move into whilst her divorce was ongoing by a WA type place that is probably better than where you live at the moment.

If you do divorce him I think without the restrictions he places on you I think you could do a lot better for yourself and your child.

I think one of the differences between you is you live your child and he sees the child as a weapon

Had you considered, OP, that he's setting you up to fail for a reason?

My first DC was an easy baby, but I couldn't write a word when he was born. It was like all my creativity was sucked away by tiredness, by anxiety (I worried he'd stop breathing!), by the unanticipatable needs of this random infant. I genuinely thought babies fed, slept and cried when they needed something, I wasn't expecting the hours of walking the floor rocking, or jiggling in front of the TV...and this was an easy baby!

So you are going to be frazzled, tired and anxious. Do you think there's any possibility that your DH is going to use this as 'you're not coping. You're not well. This isn't normal. You're having a breakdown.' He may even get you a 'little rest in a special hospital' if you're not careful.

And then take custody of your baby.

PettyContractor
Oh look, OP's husband has arrived on the thread!

Childcare aside, babies don't really cost much.
What childcare do babies require?
And the second half of that sentence - just pure idiocy.

I am a self employed contractor, I took one month fully off as "holiday" to get over a c-section then went back one day a week at first but on condition that I could take my newborn with me on site to allow feeding (I supervise others for my contact time and could do office work flexibly across each 24hr period at home). From eight months he went to nursery for the contact day (was supposed to be six months but there was a longer waiting list than I'd expected). It wasn't ideal but it meant I kept my job and am now back on track a few years on.
The hardest part wasn't newborn but at around 18months where he dropped naps so I lost a lot of work time and had to use some of my precious recently-reclaimed sleeping time to work from home.

This is a man who is not just horribly abusive he is also very calculating.

Please get some proper legal advice and also please get support from women's aid or similar

Are you going to make a claim for MA and CB and take some time off OP? When on MA, you can keep up with contact days, you can essentially work 10 days over the course of your leave and be paid for them without forgoing your MA.

So if you take say 3 months off, you can work for your client almost one day a week and not lose your right to MA. Double check on this though

Op; run.

Everything you have written about this man indicates abuse.

Op if you won’t do it for you, do it for your baby. Read up on how essential good bonding is with a primary caregiver, for all aspects of a baby’s wellbeing. I am not exaggerating when I say that it sets your child up physically and emotionally for life.
You owe your baby that. Please please don’t risk this period being damaged by you suffering under this mans abuse. I had pnd with my second as a result of emotional abuse and it ruined my first year with dd2 (and really affected Dd1, who was three at the time, for many years). And my partner was great to the kids. Just not to me. And later when I found number I learnt that great fathers DO NOT abuse the mothers of their children.

Gah mumsnet not number!

What hurts is how generous and supportive he was with her yet how reluctant he seems to be to offer me the same opportunity to bond, recover, be a mother as he afforded her. I think I have always seemed very independent and he liked that.

This actually gives me shivers down my spine. My ExDP did just this. I thought how great it was that finally he had me, a woman who had a good job and didn’t lean on him for everything. Unlike his Exwife who never worked in her life and basically took him for everything he had.

Wow how wrong I was. Exwife did get a very, very generous man. And I didn’t. However my DP managed to do less for me BECAUSE HE RESPECTED ME LESS THAN HIS EX WIFE. Sorry to shout, I find it heart breaking just to say this. DP still loved that I am self sufficient, however he, for whatever reason, never set out to work as a team with me, the way he had with his wife. And the more he got away with not being a team, the more he liked it.

And what they start out with. With us, not trusting us and not being part of a team. It doesn’t get better as they ‘trust us’. And we start jumping over hoops in order to alleviate their stress over money, like you are doing now, considering work with a newborn! CraZy. We avoid in any way, resemblzing their ex wives in an unconscious way of proving how much better we are. I know because I am that person.

However it just gets worse. Your description of your DP not wanting to sort out damp or your dishwasher? Do you know what that means? He doesn’t care if his newborn baby lives in dangerous unhealthy conditions. He doesn’t care how much harder it is day to day with a baby for you without a dishwasher. He doesn’t care about you. He doesn’t want your stuff in the house.

I am not allowed anything of my own in the house. When I have become miserable over this, DP would ‘allow’ me to choose the colour of the paint in a room. Being a SAHM with a baby, it’s so important to feel nested and have some comfort over your environment, that I was pathetically grateful for being allowed to choose a colour. Yet as soon as you have his baby OP you are contributing to everything, the house. Everything.

I too told DP I did not want to claim the house up until I moved in, and that I did not want to interfere with this kids inheritance.

However by having their child you need to start also building your own inheritance for your kid and yourself. Like me, you may realize that ALL THE ASSETS YOU ARE CONTRIBUTING TO LIKE THE HOUSE ARE BEING BUILT TO GO TO HIS CHILDREN AND NOT YOU. Thank goodness you are married. I wasn’t. So at least you do have some protection.

And another factor you haven’t considered. Now my step children, despite me being quite generous and caring for them, also see me in the way DP does. As totally disposable. They treat our child as if he has nothing to do with me, insist that they see him in their Mums house with DP regularly, and are now as entitled as their mother over money and compete for finances although they are adults. DP would rather give them everything and me nothing as he doesn’t have ‘trust issues’ with them.

I know you think we are different. We are not. I still love DP as he’s incredible charming, outwardly lovely and caring, earns a very high wage and has a gorgeous house. None of it is real though. Not for me anyway.

Please very carefully consider getting out now.

If you don’t get out now? Do not let him look after your baby. Get good health insurance. Make repairs to the house. Get the dishwasher plugged in. Enjoy your newborn and grow your family supports. Do not become financially independent as that will go against you and it will take you away from your baby when you need to bond well. Start a journal, with no emotion, of everything you are told not to do or made to feel ‘is a good decision’ by DP over things you know instinctively are wrong - like damp, deeds of house, going back to work. Just list what is said and keep password protected on your laptop. Watch carefully how he interacts with his kids, and his ex, and your family. Just observe.

And first and foremost make you and your baby the centre.

If you don’t want to believe any of us - sit down with him and detail exactly what you want in all this - fair claim on the house - financial contribution to it and name on the deeds, including fair claim in his will, maternity leave at your discretion, 50% contribution from him on all the child’s expenses and a joint account for this, reimbursement for 50% of the wedding costs, and end of his financial control of your outgoings etc. Then stand back and see what happens.

Such great advice from Autumn OP.

I don't agree that you should get a share of the house. Sorry op but I really don't. But you child should. Mat leave half yes. Contribute to bills only when working yes.
Have your own savings etc. Yes.
And you dp should pay for his own life insurance!

Auntums post is very very true. My dp jumps for his exw but not for me. I very spectacularly threw my toys out of the pram around 7 mths ago and it nearly broke us but he respects me now and dosnt take what I do for granted anymore.
Sometimes it's okay to lay down the law on certain issues.
Sounds silly but one of my pet peeves is cars I drive a 7 seater which I bought to accomadate our family (his 3 kids and my ds) he bout a 3 seater small sportish car just after.. Okay. Our cars won't last more than a few years now and I've said next time he needs to get a 7 seater and I have smaller car and then we will swap after that. As fair and its for his kids. Flat no as he dosnt wnat to and not cool. I told him that's his decision but I will Not be buying a 7 seater and he will have to find a way to accomadate his family!!!! I know its sounds silly but it's sums up an entitled attitude!!!!

I don’t agree that you should get a share of the house. Sorry op but I really don't

Well the law doesn’t agree with you so it’s irrelevant.

@TatianaLarina very good advice too.

I sat down and had a financial ‘chat’ with DP a couple of times. I was reasonable, non confrontational. I wanted to feel that we all had a stake in our home as a family, I wanted a pension, I wanted to come to some arrangement about all of this and was not asking DP to provide it, just to consider options, for example I wanted to let out a room in order to enable me to stay at home longer and pay for some repairs and build a small pension while I wasn’t working. Said we could go to a solicitor about the house.

He showed me an ugly side that was shocking. He exploded in a a rage as if I’d physically pushed him off a cliff.

Try it and see how your DP reacts?

Well actually that's not true either. It was an asset owned pre marriage that she hasn't contributed towards either repairs or mortgage. So depending on length of marriage etc then legally she isn't automatically entitled to it.
Right to reside for a period and her child would have rights to it as a share with siblings. But legally its not just 50 % as married, its a starting point.
Also morally I don't think op has a claim on an asset she hasn't contributed to which was owned pre marriage. Its a bit more grey area than people think esp if its a short marriage - and I think they married relatively recently (although I may have mis read that).
His pension, joint savings etc then absolutely yes.
He also of course should support her during mat leave its his baby to. The house is a non issue tbh the lack of support etc when vulnerable is an issue!

Agree with pp the chat will show you their true colours and help you make a decision!

The room-splitting thing. Are you are saying you live in a house, not a flat, with only one bedroom? Or is it that bedroom(s) are allocated to DH's other dcs, for when they visit?

This bedroom, is it huge? Big enough to be partitioned to form two decent-sized bedrooms?

When will this occur? Babies usually go into their own bedroom at six months. Sometimes a bit older. This bit of building work needs to happen within the next year. Has your DH budgeted for and planned this?

The same DH who won't pay a plumber to install a dishwasher you've already bought. A dishwasher that will make life with a baby much easier.

Does your DH really expect to be living in a house with a baby in it, in a year's time? His actions say otherwise.

I missed the room splitting thing. I did work with a small bby I wouldn't advise this at all!! If your doing work I'd advise pre brith. Dishwasher is a godsend... I'm getting one when we change our kitchen and I can't wait
Can his dc not share and baby hav eown room (smallest) from 6mths?

I agree @spanglyprincess1.

I am divorced and own my house which I live with my kids. There is no way I would agree to someone moving in, marrying them and then losing my kids inheritance. I’m sure men feel the same.

However OP your H has other issues apart from the house which you need to focus on and leave him.