Husband not supportive of my need for maternity leave

[Bellyfish1]

I am a freelancer with one regular client who currently pays me for 4 days' work a week. I am also 31 weeks pregnant and worried how to manage maternity leave.
My husband is also self-employed and earns much more than me but is not supportive of me taking full time maternity leave and thinks I should try to keep on working through even the first months post-partum.
This will be my first baby but DH has 2 kids from previous relationship. Should be noted that his ex went on indefinite maternity leave although she will have received mat leave pay from her employer for the first few months.
As our finances are completely separate despite being married (owing to his trust issues since first partner left him), my husband expects me to continue to support myself through this pregnancy and beyond - it is also becoming clear that he expects me to pay for everything that will be needed for the baby.
This WAS a 'planned' pregnancy in that we were ttc for 2 years and even had IVF (failed) although when I did fall pregnant it was no longer expected and has been a minor miracle considering my age (42) and history (7 early miscarriages).
I have no assets as I lived abroad from age 25 to 35 and have never been able to get on the housing ladder, but I earn enough to get by.
My husband owns the house we live in and we share the bills. His reason for not letting me pay towards the house and getting named on the deeds is that he wants it to be for his children from first marriage, which I fully accepted, but now we have a baby of our own on the way I was hoping things might change.
In short, I feel very vulnerable and anxious and completely unsupported by my husband. I know he won't let us starve but this pressure to keep working (he thinks I should juggle things so my clients pay me for results rather than days worked) and my fear of not having my own income is ruining this time for me which I had dreamt of for so long.

OP I think you have absolutely extremely unreasonable expectations of what motherhood is. First of all, babies are 24/7 demanding little creatures and the first couple of months are the easies. It gets tougher after that and there is no chance of doing any work unless you leave the house and someone capable is looking after your child. If you work from home you will always be dragged in multiple situations where you provide the childcare. Also, once you have a child it's very difficult to find someone you can leave the baby with and you trust ... Paying for childminder might not be financially sensible either ? I think you've had to have the financial conversation before trying for a baby 2 years ago so you would know what support you could have expected from your other half. Wanting kids is one thing but having kids is a very different game! And your husband sounds like an absolute dick ...sorry to say that but I think you've made a series of bad choices here . Can you sit your husband down and actually spell it out for him that you can't work for a while and that when you go back to work he needs to split the childcare cost fairly, and in the meantime come up with a plan B based on being a single parent

Ring the Women’s Aid 24 hr Helpline, 0808 2000 247. They won’t say LTB, but will help you plan to do just that if that’s what you decide to do, after discussing with them. They are there to AID WOMEN.

Lots of memories stirred for me by hearing of the deeds, the step children’s inheritance, the separate finances, the “trust issues”. (Left him 8 years ago, wish it had been sooner.)

Btw, why is he trying to micromanage your business? Do you do that with his business too?

It's your business, your client. Surely you know best what will work for you and your client. Why is your husband even getting involved? It seems a really weird mix of work and personal lives. Does he actually have a role with your business, as a director, advisor, administrator or something? If not, I don't understand how the detail of your work and your client relationships are anything to do with him.

Please please leave before the baby is born, you will regret it and it will be so hard to leave after the baby is born. You need to feel secure after you have the baby and your partner should make you feel like you don’t have to worry about anything because you will deal with it TOGETHER. He is so cold towards you, you are not seeing it. Go and stay with your family, write him an email opening telling him what needs to change, that way you are giving him an opportunity. Get all paperwork checked by an independent solicitor nothing to do with him. Do not bring your baby into this situation hoping everything will be okay.

@Bellyfish1

are you in the UK? are you aware you can claim maternity allowance as a self
I employed person? this will cover you and then you can arrange cover for your client paid out of income.

I posted this earlier. but thought I'd post again as I think you missed it and you mentioned wanting practical advice.

Another one wondering why you think you can work from home and look after a baby full time....you absolutely can’t

I am not ready to accept that my judgement was so misguided...I don't know what to believe anymore

Sadly OP, these are symptoms of emotional abuse, and it can take a while to acknowledge this. The conflicting view you have of him - I am not ready to accept that anyone could be so calculating and heartless when he shows himself to be do vulnerable and afraid at other times - is all part of the confusion, it is designed to make you doubt your own judgement.

Being nasty, angry, cold-hearted one minute then kind, loving, vulnerable the next, is classic EA. You think you misjudged him, so you doubt yourself, you become less confident in your decisions, and before you know it you haven't a shred of confidence left. They don't call it the Death Of A Thousand Cuts for nothing; it whittles you down and you don't even realise it's happening to you, not even when 400 people on mumsnet tell you.

You have clear and sensible suggestions about money; he rubbishes them and tells you you're reckless, he can't trust you. Another little chip of self-esteem falls off.

He tells you how you're going to feel after you give birth, despite your gut telling you otherwise. Another little chink in your armour of self-confidence.

You are not hard up, but he wants you to deny the evidence of this and do everything on the cheap. Another reason to chip a little more off your judgement.

Please trust those of us who have been through this. I know how hard it is to accept, and ten years on I still don't have all my confidence back, but ask yourself if you were more confident before you were with him, if you doubted your own judgement much, or the evidence of reason. If this uncertainty is new then you may have to accept that you've been slowly conditioned into thinking that this most unreasonable man is right and you are wrong.

You sound like you haven't lost all your self-esteem yet, so there may still be hope for you. Give yourself a day or two to mull over all the points made in the replies, and I guarantee that when the scales finally fall from your eyes, you will know the right thing to do.

Good luck

I think you should leave. The suspicions you've articulated tell you all you need to know. You know him best - these fears don't come out of nowhere. Can you not go stay with your family for awhile for support? Talk to friends and family about your situation. Don't go to counselling with him but seek help for yourself. He is using anger to shut you down and brow beat you into not questioning him so he can have control and get his way every time.

Another one here saying dont plan to work from home while looking after the baby. Only if you had childcare arranged.

My babies fed every hour for about half an hour, took about half an hour of rocking to go down for naps which until they were a fair bit older only lasted 20 min, woke frequently through the night to feed meaning I was knackered (after being nocturnal for about 6 weeks) and mainly slept on me, and played on me (unless out in car seat or pram). When they got older they want to bash on laptop keys more than any of their toys, scream til I pick them up and then try and grab my phone.

After about 6 weeks I tried to log on to my laptop and do some internet banking- a 5 min job. My husband came home to find me in tears because it was a minor thing I'd been trying to do all day and it was 5.30 and I hadn't managed it. Also sometimes he would come home and I'd down a pint of water as I'd somehow not managed to have a drink all day. I wished I'd researched nurseries when I was pregnant as it took me so long to do with a baby. Not trying to scare you but the reality is on any given day on any given hour you can work or look after the baby but rarely both (even if they are a great napper that gives you a few hours...which you will need to eat, shower, dress etc.)

My DH and I are from very different backgrounds.

He is from a comfortable, affluent middle class background. I grew up in poverty in a council glad.

When we met (early / mid twenties) he had several thousand pounds in savings. I had debts from a hard life lived after my mum died.

We moved in together after a year, I serviced my debt and he never once made me feel guilty.

We bought a house together with money from his parents. I insisted we ringfence their money but he wasn’t concerned.

We got married and he paid more so I could service my debt.

When we planned children he suggested changing financials so we always have the same spending money.

He took 6 weeks off after both children, did overnight feeds, looked after me and them.

Supported me through 2 lots of maternity leave.

He shares nighttimes still. Does all our cooking. Shares housework. Does drop offs for school and childcare. Helps with morning routines. Gives me lie ins on the weekend. Takes time off for sick children. Supports my career. Supports me.

LOVES me. It’s a verb. Everything he does shows me he loves me and our family.

As far as I’m concerned all of the above are non-negotiable.

Do not settle for anything less.

He sounds like a selfish arsehole OP. He's protecting himself as much as he can at your expense- it's not your fault what happened to him in his previous life. As for the baby, neither of you realise what's going to hit you- even if you have an easy baby, it's bloody hard work and everything- EVERYTHING- changes. You'll have guaranteed sleepless nights, days where you'll feel overwhelmed, no time to yourself, etc. (all normal) but with a selfish, aloof partner as your husband sounds, financial uncertainty, etc. things will feel much tougher. You need to have a serious chat with him and tell him what your expectations are post baby. Don't let him dictate what he wants to you.

Ps. Babies are beautiful, amazing, joyful creatures. I'm not trying to be all doom and gloom but they are genuinely hard work too. Be prepared. Build up your social networks now (NCT, birthing classes, etc.) so you're not left on your own to 'deal with it'.

Ps. Childcare shouldn't be an issue as I work from home and he is often able to work from home, so I don't see why he thinks he should cut his hours unless for an ulterior motive - especially given how precarious he has otherwise stated he feels his income to be.

You do realise when you're working from home, you still have to work? What'll happen when you're both pushed to meet a deadline and have a demanding baby thrown into the mix? You need to factor in childcare costs into you budget. Both of you.

@Bellyfish1 I’m so sorry to read your tale, and I’m not going to add to the chorus as it is pretty unanimous, but I have great sympathy as my exh is also a lawyer, and I understand how difficult and exhausting it is to have a reasonable conversation with someone who is trained to argue for a living.

My very controlling ex could not countenance me having a different opinion, or an independent view, and if it turned out I was ‘right’ about something, he would make out that it was a lucky guess. Years and years of minor victories for him completely destroyed my confidence in my own opinions. It is truly corrosive being married to a controlling man, and if he’s a lawyer on top, then there is no hope of ‘sitting him down for a reasonable conversation’. This is unwinnable, op. I’m mid divorce now and he does not like that one little bit.

Reading these replies has broken me a little today. I thank you all for your support but I am not yet ready to accept that he is the abuser he has been made out to be.

This makes me really sad @Bellyfish1. Please look at your situation objectively. No one on here is getting a kick out of pointing out what's clear in your Op and replies. Please focus on yourself and be kind to yourself- you deserve it. Sadly, your husband sounds like a shit. A big one. He's only looking out for himself.

I feel really bad for you, OP. You seem to be completely blind sided by his lies and very naive to what is truly going on.

Unfortunately, the harsh truth seems to be that he was so kind and generous to his ex because he genuinely wanted her. He hasn't shown you an ounce of generosity that didn't benefit him.

Splitting your bedroom is an absurd idea. I don't think he thinks it will last. He doesn't want you having a right to the home, but it also seems like he doesn't want you there in the long term either. No sane person would think of physically splitting a room when they're having a baby with their wife. They'd move.

And, as others have said, you cannot work from home and look after a baby. It's interesting how he supported the ex as a SAHM and respected her decision but won't with you.

OP, please stop making excuses for him. He's taking you for a fool. Your relationship reeks of teacher-pupil relations. You ask him nicely, he says no, you back down. He decides everything, you quietly go along with it. He is controlling you and not treating you as an equal.

Don't blame yourself. But you must accept the truth and do what's best for your baby. The fairytale isn't real. Baby comes first, now.

If you don't believe us OP, (many of whom have experienced abuse) then speak to Women's Aid, and also get legal advice. And do some reading about abuse. The WA website will have information.

Then you'll have information from the professionals.

What a horrible person this man is.

You cannot be an effective worker whilst caring full time fore a newborn baby. You would destroy your professional reputation.

He is responsible for 50% of the costs and childcare time needed by the new baby. If he doesn't pull his weight in time he can share the amount of money he earned in that time instead, on top of his share of other costs.

Your name not being on the house deeds is irrelevant, you still have a valid legal interest in the marital home and any other marital assets that may be held in his name.

Eugh, the fact this dude has duped two women into legally shackling themselves to him and producing kids is so sad, the fucking audacity of him thinking he can keep himself separate from his wife shows he must be really really bad at his job as well as being a financially abusive piece of trash. I suspect he will not radically change into being a good person once his latest kid is born. Call me cynical and all..
OP I hope you find a way to raise your kid without this man damaging it too much.

So I'm not going to wade in on your DH, but just give you my perspective on babies.

DS2 turned 6 months yesterday so I'm just coming out of the worst of it but remember it keenly. For the first month or so of his life he fed every hour, for 30 minutes, day and night. So I spent literally half my time feeding him. For the next 6 weeks he would do every hour in the day but only 20 minutes and would (sometimes) do 2 or even 3 hour stretches at night if I was really lucky. Only this week has he started sleeping through the night or with only one wakeup (touch wood), but he often doesn't sleep at all in the day; he feeds every couple of hours and has 2 meals a day and he screams if I leave the room or even stop looking at him for a single minute.

Babies and toddlers are hard work. There is no way I would get any work done with him in the house. I can't even make a 5 minute phone call without him noticing he's being ignored and starting to scream! I have tried to work from home a couple of times in the last couple of years when DS1 (just turned 3) has been too sick to be in nursery, and I've only managed it by thoroughly half-arsing both my work and my parenting which I didn't feel too guilty about for one or two days (especially as I could make the time up in the evening once my husband got home) but I'd have felt super guilty doing it regularly.

So, I'd say it's too soon to go back before the baby is 3 months old, even just because of the lack of sleep. And this is assuming you don't have any medical complications. Please don't underestimate how hard babies are - the first 3 months after my c-section with the newborn were so hard there were days I thought I might just die right then from sheer exhaustion.

Be kind to yourself. Babies are no joke.

When you're expected to work days after giving birth, who is going to look after the baby? Tell him that's fine, you're actually a bit worried about giving up work and you assume he will be going halves on a full time nanny. What a wanker.

can confirm @BeanTownNancy I cannot even make a dentist appointment with DS chipping in let alone do any work.

if you are WFH, someone else needs to be looking after the small person, otherwise either the baby or the work will be getting neglected.

Please, OP, please leave before the baby arrives. That is your one insurance left that you have.

Why did his first marriage/ relationship end - was this relared to his stinginess?

@Bellyfish1

If there is one thing you do today please can you go to a cafe with your laptop or something and please get Maternity Allowance set up?

If you struggle, ask us. Not DH.

Please.

My situation is similar to you in very few details,
I am a freelancer, as is my husband. He earns roughly 4x what I do.
There is no way on this earth that my DH would ever treat me this way. I just couldn't imagine it.

Pregnancy and newly into motherhood are two of the most vulnerable times you will have in your life, how on earth can he even consider not being there for you- his wife and his newborn?

Honestly, if he doesn't have the ability to trust you financially, he had no business marrying you, or getting you into the position where you are pregnant.

Can you go to a solicitor and have something drawn up? Its just it seems like hes put you into a very precarious situation.
You are living in a house that hes told you isn't yours, you're having a baby, that hes also telling you you're pretty much on your own with financially.

Have you managed to save anything at all to bridge the gap between when your baby is born and you plan to go back?