Husband not supportive of my need for maternity leave

[Bellyfish1]

I am a freelancer with one regular client who currently pays me for 4 days' work a week. I am also 31 weeks pregnant and worried how to manage maternity leave.
My husband is also self-employed and earns much more than me but is not supportive of me taking full time maternity leave and thinks I should try to keep on working through even the first months post-partum.
This will be my first baby but DH has 2 kids from previous relationship. Should be noted that his ex went on indefinite maternity leave although she will have received mat leave pay from her employer for the first few months.
As our finances are completely separate despite being married (owing to his trust issues since first partner left him), my husband expects me to continue to support myself through this pregnancy and beyond - it is also becoming clear that he expects me to pay for everything that will be needed for the baby.
This WAS a 'planned' pregnancy in that we were ttc for 2 years and even had IVF (failed) although when I did fall pregnant it was no longer expected and has been a minor miracle considering my age (42) and history (7 early miscarriages).
I have no assets as I lived abroad from age 25 to 35 and have never been able to get on the housing ladder, but I earn enough to get by.
My husband owns the house we live in and we share the bills. His reason for not letting me pay towards the house and getting named on the deeds is that he wants it to be for his children from first marriage, which I fully accepted, but now we have a baby of our own on the way I was hoping things might change.
In short, I feel very vulnerable and anxious and completely unsupported by my husband. I know he won't let us starve but this pressure to keep working (he thinks I should juggle things so my clients pay me for results rather than days worked) and my fear of not having my own income is ruining this time for me which I had dreamt of for so long.

I think you need to expect him to do the same amount of childcare (while working) as he expects you to do. So perhaps he takes baby for the mornings, and you take it for the afternoons? And you each do half of the overnight wakings.

(That would be easier if you're planning to bottle-feed, of course.)

We have separate finances, not because I have three stepchildren, but because we have wildly different attitudes towards money. BUT we co-own our house, each pay 50% of bills, food, etc and we work together as a team. As things stand, your husband is expecting you to subsidise his existing children and take complete financial responsibility for your baby. How can you possibly see that as fair?

Why on earth are you having a baby with him? Why did you even marry him? He wont name you on the house, share finances or support you with this baby.

I would honeslty leave him. Why do so many women settle for shit men.

So why can't you sit down and have a sensible, grown-up conversation, respectfully, as equals? What happens when you try that?

In the meantime, what you should and need to do is to seek impartial, professional advice about your financial situation. Advice about what best to do now. Plus advice about what would happen if you were to divorce, or if he was to seek custody.

So, probably an independent financial advisor (pay per hour for advice. Do not get talked into buying financial products, on commssion, from them).

Definitely a family solicitor.

If all is well, this should reassure you. If there are practical changes you can usefully make, it should identify them. If the worst was to happen, you'd be forewarned and forearmed (as your DH already is, by dint of being a solicitor).

No drama, no angst. Just sensible, practical, impartial advice.

Thank you. It is a relief to hear this positive message.

Although I have difficulty imagining how difficult live will be with a new baby, I agree that maintaining some sort of income and independence will essentially be to my and the baby's benefit. I just didn't want to find myself feeling pushed into this position, given that we're older, I'm going to find things pretty exhausting and I hoped we'd be comfortable enough, as a couple, to enjoy time with the baby without this level of tension and anxiety around finances.

This is one of the most heart breaking threads I have ever read on here. I actually dithered on replying as then I would get updates and I'm not sure I want them.

Good god OP. Open your eyes. He is telling you exactly who he is- loud and clear. And you have your fingers in your ears and are insisting you look the other way 🤷🏼‍♀️

He needs to consider the toll the pregnancy and labour will have on your body. Even without complications you need to rest and recover and I’m sorry but a new born needs it’s mother.
He sounds like a bitter dickhead.

Hi OP, haven't read the full thread so apologies if I missed updates.

Number one priority look into maternity allowance.

Is the work you do very mentally taxing? I've got a very poor sleeper and when I went back at 7 months to two days a week fit around baby, I've just been so shattered from lack of sleep I can't actually do my job. I'm struggling. It's so hard to say how you will find it. Everyone has a different pregnancy, labour, experience with their baby. But there's no way I would be going back to 4 days a week at 2/3 months. You'll never get this time back. I don't understand your husband at all. And why would you pay for all the baby stuff? He sounds like an arsehole.

Lots of us work freelance. None of us have the arrangement you will have and most of us are horrified at his behaviour.

It must be horrible to see so many people be critical of him, but maybe it's also because we are right.

This is your once in a lifetime chance to have a baby.

Don't let him wreck those early months and then possibly try and take your child away from you. You sound intelligent, you can see the risk. For goodness sake stop it from becoming reality.

You've been together for 3.5 years, were tt for 2 years and then ivf and now about 7 months pregnant. You must have been ttc within a few months of being together. Im worried he sees you as a womb, a surrogate.

OP it doesn't sound like he even wants the baby if he's not willing to do the things, pay the money etc related to having a baby, never mind trying to take them from you!

this doesn't sound like much of a marriage, which I'm sorry for. i hope you can find a way one way or the other (personally i think you should LTB but i also know that's easier said than done, as i've got my own).

do you understand that abuse and control often cranks up during pregnancy, because you are vulnerable and dependant, and so, in his mind, less likely to leave. The boiling frog analof=gy is apt too, because what he is proposing looks preposterous from the outside but Im guessing bit by bit you have got to this point where you are agreeing and defending his proclaimations without too much of an argument - every financial decision has benefitted him so far, and everything you have wanted that he didnt, has not happened.
He even somehow managed to get you to agree it was fair to pay for the wedding and think that was fair!

My partner has a son from a previous relationship. The house (which was originally mine) is shared equally. When we had our son I did buy most of the baby stuff but it was my choice to do so as I was earning good money and he was paying maintenance for his son and also paying for the car which we shared so it seemed fair and worked out roughly equal.

Your partner’s behaviour sounds very reminiscent of my ex who was controlling in many ways including financially. He owned the house we lived in and refused to let me buy in. He refused to let me give him a fixed amount each month for bills but wanted me to pay for things “as and when” which made it nearly impossible for me to budget on my much smaller salary. In hindsight he wanted me to struggle so that he could be the “saviour” who stepped in and bailed me out.

In a healthy relationship I think your husband would be saying “ok, let’s work out a way we can make the finances work for you to have some time off when the baby is born”. It should be joint decision making, not dictating to you what is going to happen.

Ive just realised, hes not even planning on having a bedroom for your baby to eventually move into, and seemingly has declined the idea of moving.

I dont think he's expecting you to still be together when baby will need their own room.

This is really quite worrying OP...

Wow.

What would be his reaction if you had, say, had an accident with broken bones, or had gall-bladder surgery; would recovery time for that sort of thing also be out of the question and also be entirely your own responsibility?

On another note, the naivete, of a different kind, is strong! (This misconception is a common one): Childcare shouldn't be an issue as I work from home and he is often able to work from home, so I don't see why he thinks he should cut his hours unless for an ulterior motive.

To which I say; ha ha ha ha ha ha ha!!! ROFL!!

Going to pop the baby in a desk drawer and feed it when convenient, are you?

You cannot care for a child and work from home at the same time. Not until they're much, much older. I've tried this - it is shit and it does not work. You do both things very badly, feel terrible about both and end up frustrated and exhausted. Do one thing at a time!

By all means do a few hours work each day from about 3 months, when the baby naps and in the evening. Remember though, you'll also have basic housework to do (making sure you're fed, laundry, dishes) during nap time too.

If you want to work full time, you need proper childcare.

What would you say to a friend or loved one who came to you with this @Bellyfish1?
Would you think their partner sounded like a reasonable, good man? Would you be worried about them or think everything sounded fine?

@Hugtheduggee I've missed that, where does OP say that? That's really upsetting if so

OP, he knows exactly what to expect of a woman post partum- he’s done it twice before. Providing support for his ex to take maternity leave AND to become a SAHM in order to recover, bond and care for her babies.
But he won’t afford you the same opportunity.
I know you say you’re not ready to accept him as an abuser but really, really ruminate on that sentence. He KNOWS what a mother needs to recover from birth and WON’T (not can’t) facilitate this for you.

Hi OP, you've received a lot of responses regarding your DH. I'll give you my experience of the practicalities of working post partum, which are obviously personal but may be encouraging.

I had a similar situation to yours - I was unmarried but had been with my (now) ex for many years, baby planned but he changed his mind, wanted me to terminate, warned that he would pay nothing and that any longer than six weeks' maternity leave was unnecessary. We were also overseas.

I wasn't freelance but there was no SMP. I left work to go to the hospital to give birth mid-November and the month end accounts were delivered to my house for review on 3rd December. I ended up doing bits from home until I went back to work full time, which was when DD was about 2.5 months. I looked after her FT until that point. I genuinely didn't find it that bad because I'd resigned myself during the pregnancy that it was going to be that way. I was determined to support my child and to prove that I didn't need him or his money. I did retain a scrap of hope that he would realise how much he stood to lose etc, but it didn't happen and DD is nearly 22.

I still think this was the right approach for us. I wish you all the very best with your baby and your return to work.

*Childcare shouldn't be an issue as I work from home and he is often able to work from home, so I don't see why he thinks he should cut his hours unless for an ulterior motive - especially given how precarious he has otherwise stated he feels his income to be.

He's going to claim that he's the main carer and get custody of your child. Which is exactly why you need to get out of there BEFORE your child is born. *

This x 1000

@Bellyfish1

Page 16

"Contributing to the mortgage would set me back less than 15%, unless (as I think we should), we either paid off the mortgage early, together and then bought somewhere needing fewer repairs (and with an additional bedroom to accommodate the newborn when it's ready for a room instead of splitting ours). That way we would feel on a more equal footing and my husband would be free to 'ringfence' an amount for his first children, to make sure they are not disadvantaged by my involvement."

The OP may mean they are planning on literally splitting the master bedroom rather than just sharing, but I'm not buying it tbh...

DH and I worked at home exclusively for the first 8 years of dd’s life. We still had child care. You can’t realistically do your job and care for an infant or toddler without it. You can multitask for the occasional sick day or school closure, but day in and day out, you need to be able to focus on work.

Now I am not sure but not ready to accept that all my belief in this person I chose to marry were wrong.

It would be so much less painful to have the courage confront this now than batter your head against a brick wall for the next 5 years, and then lose 50% custody of your child or worse.

Listen to Autumn who is in the situation you will be in. She wishes she had got out.

You still have the chance to not let this totally fuck up your life. Take it.

How is your dhs attitude to money if you go out for a meal? Does he always pay/take turns/split? What about if you want something and send him out to the shop does he pay or ask you to give him the money? Do you know what money he has such as investments?

I have separate finances to dh ( we will be merging at some point next year) but he always pays when we go out, neither of us keeps tabs on what we have spent on small things ( he doesn’t keep tabs at all, I do for larger amounts) and if I’m a bit strapped and need more money he’ll give me some. We can’t afford for me not to work but if we could he’d support me. I earn a bit less than him.
I know dh finances and have access to all his paperwork.

I also work from home with minimal childcare however my work doesn’t really require my brain (that’s good because some days I get so little sleep I cant count to 20) and doesn’t involve phone calls. It’s really not easy working with a child around. I’m lucky that when I’m struggling dh picks up some of my work as do my parents.

You need to think very carefully and if you have doubts don’t ignore them

Tell everyone. His parents, brother, friends, your parents, your brother, your friends. Tell them that you aoid for the wedding and that he wants you to have no stake in the house, wants you to go back to work immediately, wants you to pay for all baby items, refuses a joint account.

See what they think. Or would he go ape shit?