Husband not supportive of my need for maternity leave

[Bellyfish1]

I am a freelancer with one regular client who currently pays me for 4 days' work a week. I am also 31 weeks pregnant and worried how to manage maternity leave.
My husband is also self-employed and earns much more than me but is not supportive of me taking full time maternity leave and thinks I should try to keep on working through even the first months post-partum.
This will be my first baby but DH has 2 kids from previous relationship. Should be noted that his ex went on indefinite maternity leave although she will have received mat leave pay from her employer for the first few months.
As our finances are completely separate despite being married (owing to his trust issues since first partner left him), my husband expects me to continue to support myself through this pregnancy and beyond - it is also becoming clear that he expects me to pay for everything that will be needed for the baby.
This WAS a 'planned' pregnancy in that we were ttc for 2 years and even had IVF (failed) although when I did fall pregnant it was no longer expected and has been a minor miracle considering my age (42) and history (7 early miscarriages).
I have no assets as I lived abroad from age 25 to 35 and have never been able to get on the housing ladder, but I earn enough to get by.
My husband owns the house we live in and we share the bills. His reason for not letting me pay towards the house and getting named on the deeds is that he wants it to be for his children from first marriage, which I fully accepted, but now we have a baby of our own on the way I was hoping things might change.
In short, I feel very vulnerable and anxious and completely unsupported by my husband. I know he won't let us starve but this pressure to keep working (he thinks I should juggle things so my clients pay me for results rather than days worked) and my fear of not having my own income is ruining this time for me which I had dreamt of for so long.

You know in your heart of hearts that this is all wrong, but you are hoping desperately that it's not.
Hope is a good thing, but delusion is not, and I think you know you are deluding yourself
God knows, I get it. A lot of us do. we think if we can only find the right words to explain it, he will understand.
But he does understand.. it's you that is labouring under the false assumption that he is fair and good.
You are wishing him to change, and its possible he can. But not by wishing it, and certainly not by YOU wishing it
He has nothing to lose atm and you have everything to lose. he has no incentive and it seeks no inclination to change at all.
In your heart of hearts you know this
Be brave and acknowledge it out loud and prepare to move on. With or without him.
You are going to be a mother you do not have the luxury of living in dreamland any more.
Your child needs you to provide a secure and stable home. If you cant do it for you, do it for them.

All those warnings about him lining himself up for more custody, more control, financially being on top and wearing you down are right.

I am you but with a 6 year old child. I could have, should have left when I was pregnant. He had sudden ‘cold feet’ when I was pregnant and after promising me marriage and my name on the deeds to the house - these were delayed and delayed. In the meantime he basically turned his family against me, and yes guess what I’m living surrounded by his family, miles from mine.

I have no claim to the house. They go to his kids who now like everyone think I’m awful. Facing very difficult custody battle. My child is being manipulated and I have job or support as I’m in the middle of nowhere.

I’ve got a great solicitor and I’m fighting it.

But yes, I wish I’d gone 6 years ago. My life would have been so much better. However I was financially and emotionally very trapped, I had nowhere to go. And that is when we are totally at their mercy.

Seriously? Are you missing that fact that she is funding half of a marital home in which her DH intends to deprive her of any interest

She said she's not paying towards the home because he won't let her, as he doesn't want her to have a claim on it. (Although if they're in the UK and married, I can't see how this will make a difference, except maybe if they divorce after a short marriage.)

He wants to keep 100% of the house that he alone is paying for, for himself in the first instance, and in the long term for all his children. Reasonable not to want to give some of the house to someone who has contributed nothing towards it, unreasonable to think the law will let him, in the long term.

He didn't want to pay for a wedding that was more elaborate than he wanted. Reasonable. Maybe a bit tight not to treat her, but this is in the context of a relationship where she is being subsidised by him.

He doesn't want to to pay for what child expenses? Childcare aside, babies don't really cost much. So unless it's childcare/loss of earnings he doesn't want to cover, this is an insignificant issue. Especially in the context of a relationship where she is probably being hugely subsidised. (If he is providing 100% of housing for everyone, that might be 75% of total basic cost of living, in London.)

He doesn't want her to go into debt for child expenses. Leaving aside what these mysterious expenses are, I would be appalled if found myself married to someone so feckless that they thought putting consumer goods on a credit card was an acceptable thing to do.

He doesn't want her to give up work. He is unreasonable if this is really about not wanting her to take a few months maternity leave. I wonder if his real issue is that he's worried that this is the thin end of a wedge where OP is going to unilaterally decide that she is going to become a SAHP/kept woman. Something it sounds like his ex may have done.

I find people have a general tendency to treat what the other person does contribute as non-existent, when inviting others to be outraged at them not contributing to certain selectively highlighted expenses.

This man is apparently abusive because he expected OP to spend a couple of hundred of her own pounds on a stroller. That he might be providing accommodation worth a couple of thousand pounds a month is apparently not something that needs to be included in the picture.

Petty. Isn’t marriage supposed to be a partnership? Subsidizing? Mmmm! What about if the wife is on a much lower wage and all this is leaving her with not enough to live on. What about her having to buy a bucket of a car to drive her and baby around out of her own money? How is this looking after your family if the car breaks down on a motorway in the snow with a young baby. Subsidizing??

He’s not ‘giving her’ rent free accommodation. They are
A) married
B) she’s having his child.

He’s not let her pay towards the home and he’s a solicitor and he knows that is clear evidence. Even though she’s going to have their baby.

If they were not married and she were not having his child then yes, he would be providing a roof. However even in childfree non married couples they usually acknowledge that both are contributing to the household and there is a substantial polling of resources, even if one persons contribution is more. Couples who keep all finances separate and one keeps the house while the other lives in it, often have a weaker core as one person is protecting their assets to the detriment of the relaitonship.

He’s not ‘giving her’ rent free accommodation. They are
A) married
B) she’s having his child

C) she is contributing toward the cost of the house by bearing a disproportionate amount of the running costs. She is paying half all the bills despite earning less.

D) He pushed for the marriage not her, then dumped the cost on her by saying he only wanted the cheapest possible piece of paper.

He has quite cleverly stripped her of any savings or the ability to save whilst gaining no stake in the house.

She would be better off with a rental agreement which at least gives her some rights.

I will reply as I do think this is how my husband sees the situation.

To clarify: he earns almost double what I earn although he does have high outgoings (child maintenance, higher tax, liability insurance etc.) so probably not very much more as net income.

The house is modest. Although he is a solicitor, he is a sole practitioner with generally low-value cases. The mortgage is tiny. It costs less per month than the amount I contribute to food and 50% of bills. IF I were to be put on the deeds and start paying half the mortgage, I would not expect to receive half on separation, just the amount I contributed plus half of any increase in value since I started contributing. I have made this absolutely clear. I just want the security and sense of being part of a team, whilst also wanting to feel more at home and so that I can feel more assertive in asking to make changes/improvements to the property. I do make suggestions but they are quickly discounted as extravagant or unnecessary (like getting the SH dishwasher I bought plumbed in, or damp-proofing a dodgy patch of wall).

I earn enough to be entirely self-sufficient and to pay off any debts each time I get paid although not enough to save. If I were to pay towards the mortgage, I would make easy sacrifices and be happy to. I am not 'subsidised' except that I have a roof over my head. I don't live in London so local rental rates would take up about 25% of my post-tax income (nowhere near 75%). Contributing to the mortgage would set me back less than 15%, unless (as I think we should), we either paid off the mortgage early, together and then bought somewhere needing fewer repairs (and with an additional bedroom to accommodate the newborn when it's ready for a room instead of splitting ours). That way we would feel on a more equal footing and my husband would be free to 'ringfence' an amount for his first children, to make sure they are not disadvantaged by my involvement.

I think all my requests are fair but they are baulked at by DH. It is a trust issue. I am patient and trying not to panic because I hope that with time he will realise I am not out to fleece him.

As for first partner (they didn't marry), she certainly didn't fleece him. His trust us around being left and having the children taken from him. From what I understand, she was on maternity leave (paid by employer and then became sahm supported by him) until she left, with children aged 2 and 4. He paid her rent when she first left until she married someone new.

What hurts is how generous and supportive he was with her yet how reluctant he seems to be to offer me the same opportunity to bond, recover, be a mother as he afforded her. I think I have always seemed very independent and he liked that. I now need to be able to depend or at least be supported through loss of income while I bring our child into the world and he is struggling to accept this.

Perhaps he feels his income is not reliable. This is possible. But he frequently has these fears and yet his business is growing year on year. I think he fears I will lose my main client, but I think that is only a real danger if I give them unrealistic expectations as to my return date and don't find and pay for temporary support to ensure the services they receive are almost uninterrupted. He is not happy for me to take on the expense of paying for outside help. He would prefer me to try and at do the minimum, hope that they won't notice and then return fully asap. I find that whole situation deceptive and stressful so have refused. He thinks this is evidence of my lack of money-savvy.

I have suggested we open a joint account which we contribute to equally (I from savings, he from income) to provide for the baby. He doesn't think this is necessary and would prefer to just get things as and when. As the main food shopper and the one expected to buy the big hits (pram etc), I am bound to pay for the vast majority of baby's upkeep.

Childcare shouldn't be an issue as I work from home and he is often able to work from home, so I don't see why he thinks he should cut his hours unless for an ulterior motive - especially given how precarious he has otherwise stated he feels his income to be.

I think all my requests are fair but they are baulked at by DH. It is a trust issue. I am patient and trying not to panic because I hope that with time he will realise I am not out to fleece him.

Come on, OP. He has trust issues but is willing to marry you and spend loads of money getting you pregnant? If he truly had trust problems, he would NEVER had agreed to such a commitment unless he had ulterior motives.

I have suggested we open a joint account which we contribute to equally (I from savings, he from income) to provide for the baby. He doesn't think this is necessary and would prefer to just get things as and when.

Because that way he gets to micromanage and control you, and keeps you under his thumb financially.

Childcare shouldn't be an issue as I work from home and he is often able to work from home, so I don't see why he thinks he should cut his hours unless for an ulterior motive - especially given how precarious he has otherwise stated he feels his income to be.

He's going to claim that he's the main carer and get custody of your child. Which is exactly why you need to get out of there BEFORE your child is born.

Please wake up, OP. There's a lot at stake for you here.

I do wonder why people post and ignore the advice they’re given. Don’t trust him, don’t trust what he told you about his ex.

How long have you actually been together? And how long have you been married? Everything you’ve said suggests that this is quite a new relationship but you TTC for 2 years and then went through IVF and most of a pregnancy, have you been together a long time?

You’re still defending him OP.

You’re really deluding yourself. Comments like Childcare shouldn't be an issue as I work from home is madness. Have you ever looked after a baby or seen friends or family look after a baby? They don’t just sit quietly in the corner while you go about your daily business. They also don’t let you get any sleep at night. You are going to be physically exhausted like you can’t even imagine. You will almost certainly not be able to provide the kind of service that your client has come to expect.

Fingers in ears < la la la >

I am finding the responses quite overwhelming and difficult to swallow. It is one thing to have fears but I was actually posting in the hope of reassurance AND practical suggestions as to how I can a) best juggle freelance work and being a new mum b) make a stronger case to my husband as to what he should reasonably expect if me post-partum c) how we can better split/share finances and d) improve trust issues/find s way to move forward.

My deepest fears around him just wanting the baby and potentially going for sole custody should things disintegrate emerged from somewhere in my gut. I thought I was being paranoid. Now I am not sure but not ready to accept that all my belief in this person I chose to marry were wrong. I am not ready to accept that my judgement was so misguided. I am not ready to accept that anyone could be so calculating and heartless when he shows himself to be do vulnerable and afraid at other times. I don't know what to believe anymore. I am not defending his actions, I am just aware that people commenting are not in full knowledge of the whole situation. That is why I continue to clarify. Not in his defence but in an attempt to get someone to help justify why a person who I believe(d) to be essentially a good man (albeit with issues) is acting in a way which I feel lacks compassion and empathy for what is possibly the scariest and should be the happiest time of my life.
That's all.

Reading these replies has broken me a little today. I thank you all for your support but I am not yet ready to accept that he is the abuser he has been made out to be.

I just want the security and sense of being part of a team, whilst also wanting to feel more at home and so that I can feel more assertive in asking to make changes/improvements to the property. I do make suggestions but they are quickly discounted as extravagant or unnecessary (like getting the SH dishwasher I bought plumbed in, or damp-proofing a dodgy patch of wall).

Fucking hell OP. Wake up.
This man is financially abusive.
Stop making excuses for him.
He is not treating you as an equal partner. This is horrendous. One of the worst cases of financial abuse I have seen on Mumsnet.
Get out now before the baby is born and get to a solicitor and make this fuckwit pay child support.

We have been together for 3.5 years. His first children are now 7 and 9.

Oh my god OP, I am so worried for you. This is clear cut financial abuse and coercive control.

I came on to write that you should leave now before the baby is born so that you won’t have such a fight over custody if you already live somewhere else permanently and are separated from him.

You sound like someone who has been abused, I’m so sorry to say that to you, but the way you are justifying yourself for perfectly normal things and talking about earning his trust (why is it you who has to earn the trust??)

I am relieved to then read this from you:

I just worry that once the baby's born, he may use my financial vulnerability and fragile mental state (which, although not an issue past or present will, udging by comments here, be an inevitable consequence of trying to stick with this) against me should we ever have to fight over custody.

And also that you think he wants the baby more than you.

Listen to yourself. The real you is still in there. You know what he’s like. Don’t stay in the vague hope it will get better. He will suck that last bit of resolve and straight thinking out of you.

I wonder that he is reducing his hours and forcing you to go back to work so that he can say you are equally caring for the baby, to give him a better chance at custody???

Please move back to your family now. One thing you’ve got in your favour here is no joint mortgage. You are not tied because of that. You can leave tomorrow and just pay rent elsewhere or to your family.

Sending hugs and

Childcare isn't an issue? Good luck working from home whilst caring for a baby/small child. My dh can't even manage working from home when he's locked away in his home office and I'm looking after the children. They shout, run around, slam doors, cause chaos, wander in and out of the room he's in, shout his name out etc etc. They don't just sit quietly in one room all day.

I’m sorry OP, I’ve just cross posted with you. I don’t mean to cause you more distress. This must be incredibly difficult to read.

Perhaps you can book yourself some private counselling on your own, ASAP, and talk it through with a professional?

make a stronger case to my husband as to what he should reasonably expect if me post-partum

But by your own accounts in this thread, every time you make a reasonable, sensible normal suggestion about something (eg getting a dishwasher plumbed in, fixing a damp wall), he finds a way not just to say "No" but to blame you, or ridicule you, or insult you.

HE IS NOT REASONABLE OP he is not normal, he is not your friend.

If you've been paying NI (I assume so as you said you're on a good enough income) then you will get maternity allowance. You can also get child benefit as I assume your income is less than £50k a year? This will give you an income of around £700 a month for upto 9 months. It's not a massive amount but I would be saying to your DH that you won't be paying everything for your child because that's ridiculous. If he wants to work it that way, he can hand over 12% of his income to you as child maintenance. Don't put up with this rubbish. Asking you to still pay half your share of the bills is maybe fair enough as you are entitled to maternity allowance most likely but to say you can pay everything for your child and everything will be second hand? He's horrible. He doesn't want his child to have anything but hand me downs and he's a solicitor... yuck.

I am not yet ready to accept that he is the abuser he has been made out to be.

Everything that’s been said is based on your evidence. So sorry because it must be horrendous to be faced with almost unanimous views that you’re with an abusive man. I hope this has made you think, reflect on what’s been said and finally accept that he’s not good for you or your baby. Good luck.

So OP, why don’t you then sit down and discuss your fears with him? If I remember though, you have tried to and tried to make reasonable suggestions to address the issues that you feel are not making this relationship a partnership.

One thing about MN is when you get such overwhelming responses saying similar things, you need to consider this. This thread has been quite overwhelming in judging this marriage has put you in a very vulnerable position and it feels very deliberately done.

Does no one else have separate finances because previous children are involved?

I see other freelancers had to have fairly short mat leave in order to keep clients.

DH and I are from different backgrounds - he is from very modest beginnings hence, perhaps, disproportionate fear of minor debt. I am from more comfortable beginnings (although my family is not wealthy and never able to subsidise me in any way since university. I have had jobs since I was 15) so I recognise that comforts I expect as 'normal' and minimal seem extravagant to him, but if I am tired of having to justify my desire for these comforts or being made to feel like I'm being princessy for expecting them. I think his ex had lower expectations, which probably helped.

Bellyf, I very much doubt he will want sole residnece of the baby. He has a career as a solictor and has children to support from his first marriage.

I can see his point of view. I was back working 2 weeks afte rbabies were born full time without a problem although of course we shared the full time childcare costs 50/50 and indeed my husband found the child care by the way - don't assume men don't do that kind of thing, many are equally involved. We found the childcare before I gave birth. I think you are 20 years older than I was when I had my first awhen I was a trainee solicitor - hence one reason I just took the 2 weeks off in total when she arrived - she is now a solicitor herself and our youngest are at university.

I doesn't really matter whose name what is in because on a divorce all the assets are in the pot to be divided - my lower earner husband got 60% including my life savings, all my shares and I was left with some equity in our house and a mortgage of over £1m. Just as well I worked full time! So your husband won't want to be in that kind of position after divorce. Wha I jsut cannot understand is why he married you when he didn't marry the mother of h is first two children and he wantts the house to go to his first children. Surely he knew the risks. I have not read every post and may be you both had legal adive on a pre nup but if you split next year no valid pre nup would fail to house a new mother with baby. you would definitely be in line for at least half yours and his joint assets in my view if you are in England and probably would get residence of the house so I don't think you have much to fear. However one way women protect their new babies financially is to keep working actually - in a sense it can be win win - you keep up your earnings - you might even out earn your husband in due course and your child has that revenue stream in case husband goes bankrupt or disappears because mother earns a lot.

Also babies are hard work and quite b oring., Working whilst your husband has arranged a full time nursery place or childminder or nanny for the child is not a bad arrangement and works well for loads of mothers and fathers. I expressed milk with the older children when I worked and with the twins had them brought to me to feed.

Also, your dh sounds very much like my BIL. He earns a very very good wage, has no money worries yet spends his entire time finding ways to scrimp on the most pathetic things and is constantly pre-occupied about money. He is trying to convince his fiancée to buy a property at the moment. He's dressing it up to her as it being a good investment. But really it's because he's so scared of her screwing him over once they're married that he's thinking that if she's got her own property to move into then she won't try and take a share of his. He won't allow her to pay anything towards the house and he refuses to sell up and buy with her. There's also been talk of a prenup which she says she'll sign.

He's also another one who is already saying that when they have kids that she needs to go back to work almost straight away because "you won't like being at home all the time". She's already told me that she wants to be at home for the first few years with any children they have but he won't have any of it and just says that it won't suit her and they'll get a nanny instead. She doesn't say anything back to him so he keeps getting his own way.

Their relationship is doomed. It's like watching a slow motion car crash. I can already see what's happening. And I'm afraid from what you're saying, OP, we can all tell that similar is happening with you. Your dh sounds utterly horrid.