Husband not supportive of my need for maternity leave

[Bellyfish1]

I am a freelancer with one regular client who currently pays me for 4 days' work a week. I am also 31 weeks pregnant and worried how to manage maternity leave.
My husband is also self-employed and earns much more than me but is not supportive of me taking full time maternity leave and thinks I should try to keep on working through even the first months post-partum.
This will be my first baby but DH has 2 kids from previous relationship. Should be noted that his ex went on indefinite maternity leave although she will have received mat leave pay from her employer for the first few months.
As our finances are completely separate despite being married (owing to his trust issues since first partner left him), my husband expects me to continue to support myself through this pregnancy and beyond - it is also becoming clear that he expects me to pay for everything that will be needed for the baby.
This WAS a 'planned' pregnancy in that we were ttc for 2 years and even had IVF (failed) although when I did fall pregnant it was no longer expected and has been a minor miracle considering my age (42) and history (7 early miscarriages).
I have no assets as I lived abroad from age 25 to 35 and have never been able to get on the housing ladder, but I earn enough to get by.
My husband owns the house we live in and we share the bills. His reason for not letting me pay towards the house and getting named on the deeds is that he wants it to be for his children from first marriage, which I fully accepted, but now we have a baby of our own on the way I was hoping things might change.
In short, I feel very vulnerable and anxious and completely unsupported by my husband. I know he won't let us starve but this pressure to keep working (he thinks I should juggle things so my clients pay me for results rather than days worked) and my fear of not having my own income is ruining this time for me which I had dreamt of for so long.

You're not going to be able to get a divorce through before the birth, are you (please correct if there's a way, somebody). This means he will have parental responsibility, as default, as you're married. You cannot leave him off the birth certificate. But, it does also give you a strong financial claim, once divorced.

OP, you think he's nice because you're nice.
You think he's confused because you're confused.
You think he's going to do the best for the baby because you will...

He is not you. He is not nice and he is not the slightest bit confused or uncertain.

Forgive me for asking this, but were you desperate for a relationship? I can't understand why you paid the entire wedding costs, especially given he's the one who was so keen to get married.

Now he expects you to pay all many related costs too.

The way he forced you to send the email! The signs were all there...you were just blinded by love and hoping for a miracle.

As others have said...he either wasn't involved in the early days of his kids or he would know better than to suggest you return to work so soon.

I would tell him you're going to have the baby closer to your family, where you'll get more support and the space will help decide if this is the type of marriage you want to stay in.

Be firm and strong on whatever you say.

The writing was on the wall...

Good luck.

Hi OP! I'm a freelancer and a single mum. My baby is four months old now. I also felt the pressure of going back to work as soon as possible, because we'd have no income otherwise. My experience is that it was simply impossible for me to work during the first 6-8 weeks after birth. My baby had bad colic and would cry all night, and I dislocated my pelvic bone during labour, so I could not really sit. I had to find someone to take over for me, and went back to work after 12 weeks instead. This for me was fine - the first day was hard, but after I was glad to be back at work, use my brain and talk to adults. I work four days a week because I can afford it - we don't have a lot, not even a car, but it's worth the extra day with DC. But honestly, even if I had not been a single mum, I think half a year or a year of maternity leave would have driven me crazy. That said, what your husband expects from you is completely unreasonable. He sounds like an utter shit. I miss having a supportive partner sometimes, but I thank my lucky stars I don't have one of those.

You won't listen to any of this because you are deluded by this arse and in love with this idea of Happy Families. He's played you like a harp from Hell and once again, you are yet another who will not listen to her instincts. I just hope for your sake the birth goes well and your child is healthy with no disabilities because he will drop like a hot brick in either case. He's straight out of Gilead.

I've read more of your updates...he's used you to have this child.

He already had 2 and shouldn't have been so desperate, but in spite of that...he's saying you will pay all the baby costs.

He probably would have preferred to have a child with no marriage...but that would have left him vulnerable.

You're best leaving before the baby arrives...you then have the upper hand and can tell him how things will be.

If you stay near family when you have the baby, him reducing his hours will mean nothing when you're not in the same house.

You need to protect yourself and your baby bu being a step ahead of him.

This is like a dystopian novel. OP, you’re married to an abusive, nasty piece of work. Please go back to your family and start again. And, as a pp advised, get a shit hot, preferably female, family affairs solicitor and take the bastard to the cleaners.

OP, I very much doubt that email would be legally binding on you in case you were thinking it would prevent you claiming a share of the house in the event of divorce. It was clearly obtained under duress.

I have to say that I have no legal training and you should get specific legal advice on all these issues. However, I do know that prenuptial agreements are not binding in the UK and courts can disregard them if they are regarded as unfair. The fact you will now have a child together would add weight to this.

Please get out of this awful relationship. It isn't a marriage, you have been used as a brood mare. You deserve better

He's using you like a surrogate - only one that he expects to also pay for everything and do the housework.

I'm really sorry but he's a dickhead.

The more I read, the more I see why his first wife left him, and why he thinks she "fleeced" him. I wouldn't be taking his word for anything that happened in the first marriage.

AnyFucker had it right - you're being financially abused, with a side-helping of emotional abuse, and a sprinkling of gaslighting.

I hope you find a way out of this, OP - you really need to confide in a friend who knows you and your husband. We might be a bit "off" on our assessment - we don't know you both.

But you know what - if someone thought that my credit card debt (and oh lord, my overdraft!) were evidence of me being bad with money, when I'd been independent and self-supporting to the age of 42, I'd be furious. It would be the end of the relationship - well, it wouldn't even have started.

I just can’t comprehend how any husband in his right mind would actually, in all seriousness, state that he fully expects his wife to fund his child by herself, it’s just beyond belief.

Even teenagers who find out they’ve become fathers via one night stands have to accept that it’s morally incumbent on them to contribute financially. And they have no relationship to the mother - maybe he barely knew her name! This is the man you are married to, not some random!

Going through IVF is no picnic, I’m sure. You’ve already gone through a lot. And now this.

I’m so sorry. He won’t change. Nobody - you nor his mother - should need to state the obvious to him. Understanding a baby needs its mother in the early weeks / months is basic stuff. I just can’t imagine my DH or any man I know who would make their wife feel guilty and like a liability for the crime of bearing his child. It’s truly shocking.

Looking after a newborn is a 24/7 job. There's no way you'd be able to work for at least the first 3 months! And after that, if you do start working, you'll need childcare. It's extremely unfair of him to suggest otherwise.

This makes such chilling reading. Good luck OP, you need it.

This is actually the worst thread I've read on mumsnet in a long time.
Especially since the OP continues to say he's a good man.

You need to SEE it OP, he is not. He's a manipulative wanker who's taking you for a ride and at this rate, you won't properly realise until it's too late.

Go to your parents for a week, read and reread this thread. Think about how he's ticking all those boxes for custody. Stop seeing him through rose tinted glasses.

I really hope this doesn't end badly for you but I fear it will.

Everything he has done, has been deliberate. From waiting until you'd moved in to force you to pay for the wedding; to not putting your name on the house but making it about his DCs (rather than about him protecting his asset) so he could emotionally manipulate you. He's continuing to do it now by saying he'll take time off work. He knows that will put pressure on you and he also probably has no intention of actually being hands-on. He's just giving you more work (looking after him too!) more stress (worrying about finances) sabotaging your plans for that time (by ignoring your wishes and just doing as he pleases).
Your idea of staying away for a week, having some space and gaining some perspective, is a good one.
Your DH is not a good person, never mind a good husband.

Might be totally off the mark here but
the house you live in op, is it quite a nice house and does the thought of starting again in something lesser seem like a step backward.

If it is you have to remember it is an illusion.

You don’t own it.

You don’t even own a part of it.

Stay and at best you will live for the rest of your life with low level of abuse.

If you outlive your husband then his kids will be mithering you to get out of their house and you will end up on a tiny flat or on the streets on old age.

Or you have the baby and will be frozen out of your child’s life and end up on your own paying him maintenance

Or you can get your act together and move out before the birth and start divorce proceedings.

You will be in charge of yours and your child’s destiny and you will get a part of the house, maintenance and be able to recover in your own time.

Coercing you into sending an email to say you won’t have anything to do with the house makes the email null and void.

You do realise what he did in making you send that email was illegal

You’re being cornered. Don’t let yourself be cornered.

Unless you signed a deed of trust, which you didn’t, the email he forced you to send is worth nothing.

As his wife you will be able to make a claim on the house, however the length of marriage is important. A short term marriage would give you less of a claim.

If he’s a solicitor he’s fucking stupid not to have drawn up a deed and gone joint tenants in common. ( tenants in common can be disregarded after a medium term marriage, but the deed of trust would have protected him)

Honestly I’d leave him now, before the baby is born. He may reassess being a dick, and step up to the plate but I doubt it.

Newborns are exhausting, mostly as you don’t get to sleep and hAve a body that’s knackered. The idea of working is crazy, especially If you don’t really need the money.
My first baby left me very ill, it was weeks before I could even walk....work.....not bloody likely. My second, c section, that’s major surgery!

My Ex DH was awful when I was pregnant, major red flags. I ignored it, battled on. However I never got over his lack of love and compassion.

He married OP so that he would have PR at birth. This means he can take the child and OP would have to file child arrangement to have the child returned.

Remember, for this dick, this baby exists soley so that he can prove to family court what a magical Dad he is ... so that he can wreak vengeance on his ex by wrenching his first-family kids from their loving mother.

He has a plan and OP's place in that plan concludes at birth.

Previous posters have give you much better practical advice than I ever could but I will chime in to say that all the stuff that you’re mildly aware of now but think you don’t really mind will become magnified x100 once you have your baby.

Even the easiest baby is like a whole new full time (and then some) job, even the adjustment to being responsible for this completely defenceless creature is a head fuck. I went into motherhood with my partner of fifteen odd years and it almost broke us. We’re just getting back on track just before dd’s forth birthday.

It wasn’t just him because I changed completely too. The goalposts moved and all of a sudden things we thought we would have been on the same page about were battlegrounds with both of us too wrapped up in defending our sides to give in to the other.

That was going into parenthood as a team in a good place. It’s got the potential to break you in your situation and I would really urge you to take control now rather than at a time when you’re likely to be pretty vulnerable.

I haven't RTFT but he doesn't sound like a good man. You are his wife and are carrying his child. When baby is born the last thing you need to be stressing about is getting back to work. You will need to rest and adjust to being a new mum!

I think he has some serious issues and needs professional help to sort him out. His response doesn't seem normal to me. He should be listening to what you want and not just dismissing you and blaming it on HIS trust issues!

Good luck OP and congratulations on your pregnancy

I just read the first and this page.
In law in England a pre nup (if you ahve one) has indicative force onely and has to be fair, both sides need solicitors, it must be entered into a month or two before the wedding and both sides must disclose everything before it will be enforced. I suspecft that did not happen.
So let that to one side.

Tomorrow go on line and look up registering your right over the matrimonial home www.gov.uk/government/publications/notice-of-home-rights-registration-hr1 That registration at the land registry means that if later your husband ssought to remortgage or sell from under you anyone buying would have notice of that and it could not go ahead - so it gives you power.

I have some sympathy for the husband here actually. I want my children to get everything but I protect that by not moving a man in even and I would not take the ristk of marrying again as no matter whose name things are in unless there is a fair pre nup fulfilling the requirements I set out above it is not binding.

So on the question asked I was taking business calls the day after our twins were born at 40 weeks and back at work the week after. With the 3 older babies back at work after 2 weeks of annual leave. So yes loads of us do that and I earned 10x what my husband did - I recommend it - go out there and out earn him and then look at where the power lies!

Think Very carefully about how you would feel to only see your child once a week
If you’re happy with that stay if you’re not go.
Go to your parents or just go anywhere he’s highly unlikely to get 50 50 or custody if he’s not living with you and the baby
Could you afford to fight a custody battle?

How would you feel about your child being brought up by him alone?

I love my child in a way I could never imagine, a powerful primitive love I would do anything for him and give everything I have to protect him.

At the moment you can’t imagine this love or how hard or how amazing life will be with your baby because no one can until they’ve got the baby.

He’s got a plan. You need a plan

Don’t worry about loss of face for a short marriage or being a single mum happens to all sorts of people and most people go through at least one difficult patch in life and plenty of relationships break down.

But if I were you I’d go now

Stop paying anything towards the household bills and shopping and save as much as you can.
This is not going to end well whether it's now or you hang on in there a few more years....

The stress of being with someone who treats you like this creeps up on you over time affecting your mental and physical health.
It also eats away at your self esteem.
By the time you realise it will be too late and you will be a shadow of your former self.
It is very very likely that his behaviour will get a lot worse when the baby arrives.
He won't change OP. It's his way or no way. This is not how genuine people treat their partner/wife/mother of their child.
He is truly awful but it's so difficult to see when you love him.

I assume you work from home? Tell him if he manages to do nights with the baby (every single night), you might consider returning to work after 8 weeks. If not ask him to fcuk off. What a jerk! Utterly shameless!