Husband not supportive of my need for maternity leave

[Bellyfish1]

I am a freelancer with one regular client who currently pays me for 4 days' work a week. I am also 31 weeks pregnant and worried how to manage maternity leave.
My husband is also self-employed and earns much more than me but is not supportive of me taking full time maternity leave and thinks I should try to keep on working through even the first months post-partum.
This will be my first baby but DH has 2 kids from previous relationship. Should be noted that his ex went on indefinite maternity leave although she will have received mat leave pay from her employer for the first few months.
As our finances are completely separate despite being married (owing to his trust issues since first partner left him), my husband expects me to continue to support myself through this pregnancy and beyond - it is also becoming clear that he expects me to pay for everything that will be needed for the baby.
This WAS a 'planned' pregnancy in that we were ttc for 2 years and even had IVF (failed) although when I did fall pregnant it was no longer expected and has been a minor miracle considering my age (42) and history (7 early miscarriages).
I have no assets as I lived abroad from age 25 to 35 and have never been able to get on the housing ladder, but I earn enough to get by.
My husband owns the house we live in and we share the bills. His reason for not letting me pay towards the house and getting named on the deeds is that he wants it to be for his children from first marriage, which I fully accepted, but now we have a baby of our own on the way I was hoping things might change.
In short, I feel very vulnerable and anxious and completely unsupported by my husband. I know he won't let us starve but this pressure to keep working (he thinks I should juggle things so my clients pay me for results rather than days worked) and my fear of not having my own income is ruining this time for me which I had dreamt of for so long.

The thing that jumps out at me most from your posts OP is how breathtakingly calculated his actions are/have been. He very obviously has a 'master plan' of how he wants things to be, especially with regard to the baby, and you appear to be something of an optional extra with no right to your own feelings or opinions.

The thought that he's planned/planning all this, to take more time off work so it looks like he is main/joint caregiver (when you know damn well he won't actually be doing any caring) would chill me to the bone if I were you and make me run far and fast away from him. How on earth can you stay with someone who's scheming against you in this way? It's made my blood run cold the way he's treated/treating you OP, please, please listen to what everyone here is saying to you and protect yourself and your baby before it's too late

Oh dear god pickle I hope not, didn't think this could get any worse

Oh god, my blood just ran cold. Its like the handmaids tale ffs. You need to act fast before baby is born. Go to your mum's and dont look back. Make him take you to court for custody. He has planned this perfectly which is almost psychopathic. You need to document the abuse. Reach out to your midwife, family and to women's aid about the emotional and financial abuse so that it's all documented. Tell them the pressure you are under and how he is being unsupportive and utterly uncaring. Then disappear to your family so you can be properly loved and cared for before baby comes.

He was reluctant, then considered it an option

No he never considered it was an option. He told you what you wanted to hear, then got shitty when it looked like you might follow up on it.

OP, this is not normal.

At the very least, you must see that refusing to contribute to your own child's expenses is not normal.

You are in a horrible situation. Please, please find help. Financial and therapeutic. And get your family to support you. This man can seriously ruin your life, and, by extension, your child's.

As soon as the divorce is settled and he has custody baby will be in ft nursery and you will be a footnote on history.

And he'll have OP paying maintenance.

OP, do you realise that if he has the child for more than 50% of the time, YOU will have to pay HIM child maintenance?

Just reducing his hours in the first few weeks will just add to the pressure for me to return to work asap without actually relieving the demands on me from our newborn. He doesn't appear to accept that this will be the case.

OH YES HE DOES!!!! This is precisely his plan, you numpty. You do all the childcare, all the housework and bring in a wage. You're a working womb to him. An incubator who pays her own way.

My greatest fear is that he wants this child more than he wants me. That he has 'lost' his first two children and, after going through awful custody battles, knows that yo have a chance in any future custody case, he must demonstrate that he is a hands-on father. He may well cut his hours to this end but it would be his word against mine as to how much care he then actually provides while I am rushed back to work.

Spot on. Excellent insight there. How you can see things like this so clearly, then describe him as a 'good man, a good father'. He's got you doubting every thought you have! You do not need to move to speculation about the future to see who is really is. Just re-visit the facts so far.

Everything he paid for; your debts, IVF; was a bid to secure you in his home quickly, then get you pregnant. He hasn't paid for anything since, because he doesn't need to. He already has you where he wants you.

Remember OP, 'abusers' are not a separate species, they're not monsters. They're mostly sad, damaged fuck-ups of one variety or another, who take out their own pain, inadequacies and insecurities on other people.

The really sad thing about all this, is that I don't think OP will heed all this advice. She's certainly not engaged with it, just comes back to try to defend him, not realising that what she's saying, is just proving how abusive he is.

I worry that in a few months, she'll be posting about losing custody of her baby to him, because she's not taking in what's being said, let alone acting on it.

This reads like a horrible nightmare unfolding. Op, you have been used as an incubator. He sees you, and your "marriage", as no more than a convenient means to an end.

When you have outlived your usefulness, expect him to discard you without a thought. By then, you will have been outmaneovred at every turn.

What's your relationship with your parents like OP?

There are a lot of posters here assuming it's good and that returning to your parents' home is the answer to all your problems. But somehow you've grown up to become gullible, manipulable, unassertive and easily subjugated to service the wishes of someone more powerful, who pretends to be on your side. An obvious question would be how you became like this? Were you trained into it and if so, by whom?

Make a claim for maternity allowance via .gov. Take some time off to recover.

Do you both have wills since marriage ? I'm not sure your husband can just leave the house to his first children whilst you are still alive unless you signed a legal document to have no rights to the house. You could certainly could contest a will if he had one, especially once you have a joint child.

Certainly talk to him gently and then if that doesn't work tell him he either supports you or you move out and he pays maintenance ( although I know that's not always easy to get off self employed Dads as they can hide income)!

Posted too soon.

She hasn't mentioned the fact that we're calling abuse, nor said she'll read up about financial abuse, or that she'll speak to a solicitor. She's refusing to see it.

Anyway, there's no need to believe us. set out the facts on paper and get yourself to a solicitor for some sensible, impartial advice.

I would go back to where your family/support is before you have the baby. He could possibly make it difficult for you to do so after the baby is born.

You don’t appear to realise just how awful, controlling and abusive his behaviour is. I don’t think your marriage will survive and I would make decisions now based on that.

@ticktockclockhunt OP is describing financial abuse. This is not something she can sort out by having a reasonable discussion with him. He knows exactly what he's doing, it is deliberate.

May I suggest that if you don't understand financial abuse, you have a read up about it? Educate yourself, so you can recognise what it is, if it happens to you, or someone you know.

Jesus, you have put yourself in a very vulnerable position OP and that vulnerability is partly due to the fact you have too easily agreed to your husband's wishes. He clearly is not thinking about you, he is thinking about himself.

Personally and I mean this genuinely, it's not internet bravado, I would tell him to go fuck himself. You're a married couple who planned a baby together, yet he's carrying on like financially you are solely responsible for a child he has helped to create.

I don't want to sound hard on you but he will only treat you this way if you let him; He has to pay towards the child, and he should be understanding of you wanting maternity leave but if he doesn't understand do not let that deter you, take the maternity leave and insist he help cover costs because that is his duty as husband and father.

I read threads on here and I honestly struggle to understand why some women let men treat them this way, fuck that and fuck him.

You're going to be a first time mum, you don't need his approval to want to spend quality time those first few months with your baby, do not give him the power to make decisions for you.

So many red flags here, so very many. If I were you I'd be running as fast as possible back to my family, and getting my ducks in a row ready for the birth. Best of luck.

visits as often as is allowed (often pressing for more time with them)

Sure he does.
Says him.

Talk to people in real life - your family / friends. You don't seem to believe what people are saying...see the reaction on someone you trust face....

If you do one thing... divorce him. Leave him this week. Get the fuck out of there. Do it for your unborn child. There's a reason why he lost his first two kids. You aren't different. Leave. The. Bastard.

Or risk losing your child in a year's time. Your choice.

You had to buy a cheap banger of a car as your other needed too much work?
What does he drive?
He didn't feel the need to help buy something better to drive the baby around in?

As for his ex, I know she was very hands-on and did almost all the childcare for the first couple of years.

...

That he has 'lost' his first two children and, after going through awful custody battles

Why would he try to take the kids away from a loving and involved mother? He sounds monstrous.

...knows that yo have a chance in any future custody case, he must demonstrate that he is a hands-on father.

So your baby was basically wanted by him as part of a psychopathic revenge and punishment plot against his ex?

OP is there any other jurisdiction you can move to? A foreign language you speak, another citizenship you have or can rapidly obtain? If so, go. If not, can you work remotely? Do you have family somewhere far away inside the UK?

Whilst pregnant you can move anywhere and not be compelled to return...or return the baby once born. Once the baby is born, though, you need his permission or the consent of the family court. I would go now.

How are you OP? Reading all of this must be shocking and distressing? We're on your side remember. Take a breath - hope you're ok.

Abuse is not about somebody being a monster. Plenty of abusers are/were widely considered to be pillars of their communities.

Abuse is about power and control. That's it.

He's played you. I'm sorry.

The way you blame yourself for his unreasonable behaviour (e.g. His anger about your sensible suggestion to involve professional advisers) and talk about this situation is how victims of coercive control /abuse talk.

If you went and read the Freedom Programme course or Lundy Bancroft's Why Does He Do That? to get independent expert information on the dynamics of abuse you would find it describes your relationship. It's textbook coercive control.

Oh, and he does realise.

He realises what he's doing.

He realises how much control he's taken away from you.

He realises how much power he has over you.

And he realises exactly how vulnerable you are.

None of this has been accidental - it is calculated and deliberate.