Husband not supportive of my need for maternity leave

[Bellyfish1]

I am a freelancer with one regular client who currently pays me for 4 days' work a week. I am also 31 weeks pregnant and worried how to manage maternity leave.
My husband is also self-employed and earns much more than me but is not supportive of me taking full time maternity leave and thinks I should try to keep on working through even the first months post-partum.
This will be my first baby but DH has 2 kids from previous relationship. Should be noted that his ex went on indefinite maternity leave although she will have received mat leave pay from her employer for the first few months.
As our finances are completely separate despite being married (owing to his trust issues since first partner left him), my husband expects me to continue to support myself through this pregnancy and beyond - it is also becoming clear that he expects me to pay for everything that will be needed for the baby.
This WAS a 'planned' pregnancy in that we were ttc for 2 years and even had IVF (failed) although when I did fall pregnant it was no longer expected and has been a minor miracle considering my age (42) and history (7 early miscarriages).
I have no assets as I lived abroad from age 25 to 35 and have never been able to get on the housing ladder, but I earn enough to get by.
My husband owns the house we live in and we share the bills. His reason for not letting me pay towards the house and getting named on the deeds is that he wants it to be for his children from first marriage, which I fully accepted, but now we have a baby of our own on the way I was hoping things might change.
In short, I feel very vulnerable and anxious and completely unsupported by my husband. I know he won't let us starve but this pressure to keep working (he thinks I should juggle things so my clients pay me for results rather than days worked) and my fear of not having my own income is ruining this time for me which I had dreamt of for so long.

Bofster37 Bother off. This is not the time or place for discussions of politically correct insults.

This might all blow over. Once baby arrives, the reality might hit him of how much I have to do and everything will fall into place.

You CANNOT wait until the baby is born in the hope that it 'falls into place' - if it doesn't you're screwed. Leave now, go to your family and spell it out to him what it will take for you to come back. And mean it. I've dated some wankers in my time but none of them have even come close to the guy you married. You need to leave now.

@Spanglyprincess1. I hear what you are saying. But your family situation seems a bit different to this. And they are married. (I come from a country where even if you are not married but live together assets are treated as if you were married but I understand the UK is different)

There does seem to be red flags popping up in many other areas and not just the pressure to return so quickly to work. For instance, ensuring your child is driven in a reliable car by working together to fund it if you have the means.

Thing is OP that when you act as a doormat, you'll get treated like one. He's behaving appallingly but you're equally as bad for letting him. And I don't mean that unkindly.

The fact that you don't think that you're worth better is heartbreaking.

You cannot bring a child into a relationship like this.

I’m sorry OP but listen to what he has said. Then speak to a solicitor and decide what future you would like. He is a dick but we can’t change him as he married you. You now know the truth about him and need to decide what to do. If you divorced him he would have to pay you child mtnce. Although I can already see problems there as he is self employed.

Register the baby yourself, with your surname (or the surname you intend to use going forward) and without his name on it.

They're married so he can register the baby without OP even being there. Which I'm sure he knows. The arsehole will probably dress it up as though he's being helpful and less for the OP to do.

OP have the baby, register the baby as PP poster said, in your maiden name. Tell him after.

Be very careful OP. Get everything in order, copies of any paperwork, and have a plan. This guy is a nasty piece of work and he will not play fair.

Well silly fool you for getting yourself into this situation. It seems as though you knew exactly the score from the beginning but you chose to turn a blind eye. If he wanted his house for his first kids then why plan another child with him? Hopefully now you wake up and stop being a doormat as others have already said.

You need some relationship counselling or mediation. If that doesn't work pack up and leave. Go back to your family. He's off the scale unreasonable but can't see it. So sorry OP I wish you the best of luck.

OP - what will it take for you to see your situation clearly? Please read up on financial abuse because there are so many PP that are spot on.

He is isolating you, keeping you financially vulnerable and even has you explaining away his abuse with pregnancy hormones and his ex who fleeced him. It's also very clever to split expenditure in a way that is "fair", i.e. you cover bills and paid for the wedding so perhaps the figures evened out, but without you gaining any long-term, financial security. This is very deliberate on his part.

Surely if he was "fleeced" once, written agreements would be ideal to protect his assets as well as to define your investment. You're a live in cleaner-cum-incubator and to top it off, you subsidise his bills. You say he's a great dad and asks for more time when he sees his kids, but why didn't he get 50/50 custody in the first place? Is it possible that his ex felt trapped and aware of the insiduous abuse so wanted to limit his contact with the kids? I speculate but surely you only have his word for how that relationship ended.

He planned a baby with you, paid for IVF, but now that you're pregnant he wants you to cover 100% of the costs, with no finacnial stability in "his" home (despite it being a marital and soon family home), no financial support to cover reduced working hours (which will almost certainly be the case) and to carry on working to boot. Please, please, please get out.

Go to your family, tell them your honest situation WRT contributions/split of assets, and let them help you.

As well as the issues with your husband, which seem dreadful, you need to speak to your client. Can you find someone else to cover your work, take off the pressure?
It is possible to do some work when they are tiny, I did for my employer. But definitely not 4 days a week worth. Did you have a plan for how you’d manage your ‘maternity leave’ if your husband wasn’t being such a twat?
Hope you can find a solution, he sounds awful. Good luck.

You are married and I assume in love. He knows about supporting a child.
I agree my situation is different from yours as I'm unmarried but aside from the house which I soley pay for, me and dp split bills. I take his kids for days out and that's way it is, I wouldn't dream of sending him a bill for it!
I pay for our holiday home as dp can't afford it and it means my ds gets a holiday as does his. I don't ask him for any money towards this when we go away or charge him cause that would be wierd. We are a couple - we just split finances differently to most.
Couples split finances many many ways, but what makes your situation concerning is that your dp isn't willing to support his baby and you in mat leave. 3 or more months of paying all the bills, leaving you mat benefit as spends, is nothing in the grand scheme of a life together.

And also Spangly, you don’t sound like you are controlling your DP.

More than that - we fought for weeks because I wanted to pay towards it. I realised that by not contributing I was leaving myself vulnerable and so I tried to insist. He was reluctant, then considered it an option, to my relief but then the conversation spun into a complete volte face when I said I'd want to seek advice and to draft up some sort of agreement.

I was never not willing to contribute, quite the opposite, but we settled that (see previous updates) and agreed I would instead focus on paying off any debts and find an investment property of my own.

I am freelance and saved for my maternity leave so I could cover my share of the bills but that is because I am the breadwinner and DH wouldnt be able to cover all of our household bills himself. When he takes his parental leave he will be responsible for his share

your own predictions are that

1. he has made you write an email surrendering any claims on the home
2. he pushed you into IVF BEFORE marriage because he wanted a child, to make up for the ones he lost through a bitter custody battle
3. he made you pay for all the wedding
4. he says you are financially reckless because you had some debt (Inc a student loan) and a parking ticket, and you believe him.
5. he will take time off at a time when he wont actually be able to do anything, simply to demonstrate that he is doing the majority of the care, and you wont be able to prove otherwise (he may do alot because you wont physically be able - but most men do this anyway as paternity leave and dont use it to beat on their partner)
6. He will use the fact that he has taken time off to say the financial pressure is on, in order to force you back to work early.
7. He wants the baby more than he wants you
8. if you try to leave he will use your mental health to prove that you are unfit (what makes you say this? How has he already been inferring this)?
9. You will lose your home and your baby and because he has used all your savings for the wedding/costs during maternity leave, you wont be able to afford to fight him.

If you actually swing between thinking all this and then thinking everything will be lovely, you need to take some serious steps to prevent it.
Go home. Get an outside perspective. Interview people who may be able to cover maternity leave for you to keep things ticking over.

Not to worry you but after I had Ds my brain just shut down.

I didn’t have PND . It was more post natal happiness but I couldn’t remember even basic things like how to drive or once went to make a cup of coffee and couldn’t remember what to do. Spent time staring at the kettle and trying to find instructions on the jar of coffee.

It was like my mind had been wiped clean.

Dp (note we aren’t married) supported me both financially and emotionally throughout the 2 Years it took for me to recover.

You married a man who won’t support you for 2 days.

Get everything together and proof of what he actually earns and owns and leave now. Either go back to your family or call WA (my friend was offered one of their flats whilst she was going through her divorce)

Leaving until after the baby is born will just be a disaster.

He is manipulating you into having to give up your baby.

He has learned from his first mistakes and now he thinks he had you where he wants you.

I would say you are nothing more than a rented womb but that infers he has paid you for carrying his child. Instead you are the one who pays for all your expenses so he hasn’t even paid for that.

I cannot understand this type of mentality - not only would it ever have crosses my dh mind to act like this when my d adult c where young but - neither would it have occurred to my df who was born in the earlier part of the last century - for gods sake! My dd & dm had a joint bank account & dm was more in control of housekeeping money than dd - forcing your dp/w back to work after giving birth to your child AND not supporting them financially! What century is he in the Victorian age?????

Remember everything he does has a reason behind it and that reason is to benefit him not you

It might take you some time to come to terms with what everyone has written but please don’t leave it too long.

Be gone by the time the baby is born

The more you post, the worse it gets. Why on earth are you with him let alone having a child with him?

Sorry OP but he's planned this all along, just as you suspect. He married you so quickly because he knew it would give him parental responsibility and more rights over the baby. That's why he didn't care about the celebration and suggested a £50 registry wedding because to him it was about the legal piece of paper. He's taking time off so he can get more custody than you, and ensuring you continue to work full time when you should be recovering from birth and bonding with the baby.

This isn't a marriage, it's a surrogacy. I think you need to do this yourself in the early stage, then see if you can work on your marriage once you've taken the mat leave you wanted. You don't want to ruin the first year of your baby's life stressing about your marriage and finances.

“What century is he in the Victorian age?????”

In no age has it been socially acceptable for men to behave like this.

OP, what do your own family have to say about this? Have you told your mum what’s going on?

I doubt op will be around for the first year of the babies life.

He is planning to side line her ASAP.

As soon as the divorce is settled and he has custody baby will be in ft nursery and you will be a footnote on history.

Please RUN NOW

Is he expecting to do fifty percent of the childcare? He'd better be.

Oh this is terrible.

OP,

Are you the one whose DH pressured her to terminate, after they'd finished IVF and got pregnant naturally and unexpectedly??