Husband not supportive of my need for maternity leave

[Bellyfish1]

I am a freelancer with one regular client who currently pays me for 4 days' work a week. I am also 31 weeks pregnant and worried how to manage maternity leave.
My husband is also self-employed and earns much more than me but is not supportive of me taking full time maternity leave and thinks I should try to keep on working through even the first months post-partum.
This will be my first baby but DH has 2 kids from previous relationship. Should be noted that his ex went on indefinite maternity leave although she will have received mat leave pay from her employer for the first few months.
As our finances are completely separate despite being married (owing to his trust issues since first partner left him), my husband expects me to continue to support myself through this pregnancy and beyond - it is also becoming clear that he expects me to pay for everything that will be needed for the baby.
This WAS a 'planned' pregnancy in that we were ttc for 2 years and even had IVF (failed) although when I did fall pregnant it was no longer expected and has been a minor miracle considering my age (42) and history (7 early miscarriages).
I have no assets as I lived abroad from age 25 to 35 and have never been able to get on the housing ladder, but I earn enough to get by.
My husband owns the house we live in and we share the bills. His reason for not letting me pay towards the house and getting named on the deeds is that he wants it to be for his children from first marriage, which I fully accepted, but now we have a baby of our own on the way I was hoping things might change.
In short, I feel very vulnerable and anxious and completely unsupported by my husband. I know he won't let us starve but this pressure to keep working (he thinks I should juggle things so my clients pay me for results rather than days worked) and my fear of not having my own income is ruining this time for me which I had dreamt of for so long.

There are many many red flags here OP but listen to me now:

Everything he’s “paid for” is done to manoeuvre you and engineer situations he wants.

You are absolutely being controlled and every move this man makes is calculated to get what he ultimately wants - and nobody on here nor you knows what that is.

You are in so deep but there is an out.

Go to your family. Let them take care of you. He’s managed to isolate you from your family and I’d wager he’s done a number on your friends too.

I know the idea of having a little family unit is your utopia but he’s honestly playing you for a mug and to what end? Who knows.

OP this is absolutely awful, all his talk of trust issues around money is just gas lighting and control - it's so sad to see you doubting your own mind and putting things down to pregnancy hormones when the writing on the wall could not be clearer. This man sounds truly awful and you and your child deserve so much better than this.

Get back to your support network and be with the people who really love you, even if only for a few days. It is hard to be brave in isolation and a life with this man is just that.

Imagine when the midwife comes over for the statutory home checks. I think they come every day for the first week to check the feeding, baby’s health, your stitches (if you need them), bleeding, risk of mastitis, etc. Then they come at other intervals over the first month. They feel your abdomen to see if the uterus is contracting normally. They assess your mood and risk of PND. What is he going to say - “Oh hang on.., I’ll just get her out the office.”

Plus you need to get the baby weighed at least every week. Probably you should join the postnatal group at your GP, especially as it’s your first. Is he going to show up to the breastfeeding clinics? Or the Kegels exercise classes? Get togethers with the other mums? The fool.

Christ OP. Are you standards so low you’re actually defending a man who only married you because you paid and won’t financially support his own fucking child. Good luck, you’ll need it.

Christ, OP. It just gets worse and worse.

Everything everyone has said. This man is a controlling bastard, and this is financial abuse.

Get out of there before the child is born. Do you have family and/or friends who can help you?

Leave and divorce him now.

See a lawyer, that email you sent was forced so I doubt it will count for much.

Leave him now, before the baby arrives. If you wait until after it is doubling/tripling the problems for you.

You have no idea how the birth will be. You may not be physically capable of much if you have to have a C-section. Realistically, if you are EBF, how can your husband help? He is abusive to try to make you go back to work so quickly: him reducing his hours sounds like he will be hindering, not helping.

OK so this man, who married you, wnet through IVF with you, conceived a baby with you, is now refusing to accept even 50% of the financial responsibility?
my husband expects me to continue to support myself through this pregnancy and beyond - it is also becoming clear that he expects me to pay for everything that will be needed for the baby.

He also thinks you should have no time off post-partum.
Well that's easy for him, innit, he just gets a baby with no change to his security, career, body or finances.

The saint allows you to live in HIS house, but will not share it with you as an asset or a mutually beneficial home.

To top it all, (he thinks I should juggle things so my clients pay me for results rather than days worked) he wants you to change your steady income stream to a speculative model, leaving you exposed just at the point you will be most vulnerable & leasy able to cope with ANY workload, let alone a high-stress results-only job.

He is an arsehole.
Please at least protect yourself by finding a good solicitor to tell this sorry tale to, & find out where you stand when DH's locked out, untrusting attitude toward you & his 3rd child solidifies & he becomes even more unbearable.

Your updates make me feel physically sick to be honest.

I won't lie, I think you were utterly insane to marry him in the first place given the way your life was set up in the first place, but it is what it is. You have to now mitigate your losses and try to come out with your self-esteem intact and mentally strong enough to look after your baby.

I grew up in a financially abusive household, btw. It was hell. But it did show me exactly the relationship not to have (whilst giving me a load of other issues to deal with but that's another story).

My husband is frighteningly normal when it comes to our friendship group. Takes time off for childcare, splits all money equally etc. If I read the description of your husband to him he'd think I was joking.

His parents have very kindly given us some money for house improvements recently. The money just landed in my personal account. I asked him how I've ended up with his and he said 'because you'll do all the negotiating and sourcing I just gave them your account details' - he knows I'd never screw him over. He wouldn't be with me otherwise.

You need to go back to your family for a couple of weeks and think about why you feel it's okay for him to treat you like that.

You need to seriously consider going back to your parents before the baby is born. Register the baby yourself, with your surname (or the surname you intend to use going forward) and without his name on it.
It's easy to add him and change the name later.
That gives you some time to see what you want to do and where his priorities really lie.

I see his POV in some of what he says - he sounds like he has a very frugal mindset. He doesn't see why he should pay for extras he doesn't want. He wanted a basic wedding, and you wanted more than that, so he suggested you pay for the extra. He wants to buy basic, second-hand stuff for the baby, and you want nicer stuff so he wants you to pay for it.

However he's being completely unrealistic expecting you to work FT (PT? I think you said 4 days a week) and look after a newborn FT. Why don't you turn the tables on him and suggest you alternate weeks looking after the newborn - afterall, if you can continue to work FT while doing so, surely he can too?

Op please listen to the voices who are literally all in agreement here. He is a bad man, at the very least, a dreadful, dreadful husband.

I went back to work when my first child was 14 weeks old, and it was hard. I was tired to death, and emotionally destroyed. My then partner let me off the rent I paid to live in his home for 3 months, and that was basically his financial support. It didn't get any better, he was abusive in other ways, they always, always are, and I left.

This time around, my husband is a different ballgame entirely. We planned for me to take 9 months, but in the event I couldn't face it and I left my job. We live in a house we bought together, and he pays all the bills and then we split what's left. He got a better paying job for this to be possible, and I had a lot of equity in my previous property, so it is fair, but if it wasn't, it wouldn't matter.

And it's 2019. A parking ticket and a credit card for a self employed person hardly makes you feckless. His constant suggestion that you're some sort of child who can't be trusted with his money is extremely abusive.

What leapt at me is to tell you that this time round, I'm 42, and while I'm chilled, and happier, it's bloody well harder. Having a baby now is such a joy but I'd be lying if I said being older has no effect. Working at 32 with a breastfed newborn was tough, a decade later and I'd be on my knees.

Being a single parent is hard, there's no denying it, but I promise you it's still easier than living as he expects, and he will have to pay. If I were you I'd pack a bag, now, this afternoon, and go to family. Email him and tell him his lack of care, financial commitment or fairness has ruined a hard won pregnancy, and unless you split the house, get 6 months leave and share his income, you're done. That isn't unreasonable, it's absolutely normal.

You are isolated from your support group after moving, having your finances drained by things like the wedding expenses sprung on you, and about to be trapped by a child, while you remain his bang maid.

Then you can look after his assets (child/house) while paying highly for the privilege.

Sorry to be blunt, but I think it needs saying.

Are people missing the fact that op lived for free for 8 months and then asked for a stake in the house?

@Chocolatelover45, no - but you are missing the facts that OP paid for the entire wedding, & has a perfect right to expect a stake in the house, as she was originally asked to contribute to it.

Op

I worked here and there for my company after dd was born. I had complete flexibility and it was short bursts with weeks off in between. They specifically wanted me for these tasks and were willing to accept that I was doing this around the baby. I still ended up trying to squeeze in 45 minutes of work while dd napped one my lap. It was incredibly stressful. It was also inefficient because I have a very mentally intense job and every interruption meant I had to spend time getting back into the groove. I ended up only billing about 1/2 the hours I actually worked in the first year because my efficiency was way down. Thankfully my commitment level was low that first year so I made it work. I made sure to have child care before I agreed to a heavier, but still very part-time, schedule.

His plan that you simply keep working your regular schedule without child care is not possible. It isn’t fair to you, the baby, or your clients.

You already are a single parent, OP. Can’t you see it?
And I promised you it’s easier being a single parent than a “married” one with one-sided relationship.
What is full maintenance? The pittance that CMS or whatever they’re called now suggests?

This is horrific, the saddest part is that you think this is a good man. My heart breaks for you.

Please listen to what you’re being told here OP.

How can she live “for free” when they are a married couple fgs?
How many husbands charge their wives rent?

We then had a lovely couple if weeks of trying which I ruined last night by saying that I really didn't think I could/will want to return to work in under 2 months after giving birth. Which made him angry

This is so sad, along with saying you think he wants the baby more than you. Please keep reading. Tell him the government recommends 12months maternity leave for a reason, it’s a 24/7 job.

You would be financially better off if you did get divorced.

He's being ridiculous, but another issue is that if you work for a client 4 days a week you are not freelance! The hmrc are cracking down on companies trying to do this to dodge their duty to pay sickness/holiday and maternity. You obviously are in a tricky situation but someone who's truly freelance can work for anyone and you can subcontract work at will eg get someone to cover your maternity and potentially take a small %

are you in the UK OP?

if so you should be able to CLAIM MATERNITY ALLOWANCE
there are a few conditions such as length of time working/NI contributions

www.gov.uk/maternity-allowance/eligibility

I agree your dh is being an arse though. of course you need some maternity leave. the more the better. there is a reason we have it. I need to find evidence to back this up but I'm sure having maternity leave is linked to better health outcomes for both mother and baby.

Bloody hell he’s really taken you for a ride hasn’t he?

I don’t understand why women seem to sleepwalk into these situations?

Jesus christ! This man is a grade A cunt!

@NightOfTheDemon I know what you’re trying to get at but cunts are fucking amazing things. It’s be great if we could stop using them as an insult.