He volunteered to pay for all the IVF because he earns a lot more than me and I couldn't afford to contribute (and wouldn't have considered it an option otherwise). Then, as the wedding drew closer and I had moved in, saving on rental costs, we agreed that I would pay for the wedding to balance things out. I wasn't best pleased as we had previously agreed to let me prioritise paying off my debts, but everything had been arranged by then and I felt bad about not paying my way in the house so I agreed it seemed fair.
Also, because he said he would've been happy with a quick £50 registry office wedding and was reluctant to do something a bit more special. It wasn't an extravagant do (50 guests - mostly from my side anyway) but it was enough to make it a lovely day.
I am aware that pregnancy hormones may be at play here. When I said he wouldn't let us starve, that was an extreme statement. He would want us to be okay. To be safe. I just don't think that he understands how difficult I am going to find work in the first couple if months.
He is wanting to cut his hours do he can help as well, that's how he thinks we'll manage, but as I want to breastfeed and as he doesn't really even see what needs to be done in the house in terms of cleaning/keeping on top of bits, I would prefer him to take whatever time off he wants a bit later on, when the baby is older and he is able to actually help with the childcare. Just reducing his hours in the first few weeks will just add to the pressure for me to return to work asap without actually relieving the demands on me from our newborn.
He doesn't appear to accept that this will be the case.
As for his ex, I know she was very hands-on and did almost all the childcare for the first couple of years. He says he's keen to be different this time, which is a relief but I will have to see it to believe it.
He is very good at being the 'fun' dad but I am not sure how valuable that skill will be for the practical stuff needing to be done in the first few months.
My greatest fear is that he wants this child more than he wants me. That he has 'lost' his first two children and, after going through awful custody battles, knows that yo have a chance in any future custody case, he must demonstrate that he is a hands-on father. He may well cut his hours to this end but it would be his word against mine as to how much care he then actually provides while I am rushed back to work.
I know this sounds mistrusting and over-anxious but his lack of trust in me has led me to feel that he is staying very much prepared for this all to disintegrate. I am, with regret, facing the fact that I too need to be prepared for this.
Despite everything, I do want us to be able to work on this. To trust and to find a way to communicate more positively and build a family but I am scared to go too far in trusting only to be burned if it ever comes to divorce.
I think, as some have suggested, I may have to take a week out and stay with famiky to think on this before making any big decisions.