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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Should I let my ex and his family see the baby.

117 replies

Youngmumxo · 03/11/2019 21:03

Hi, Me and my ex partner recently just had a baby. I left him due to lots of arguments And wanted to put my baby and her well-being first. I’ve had the baby And told him about it via text message and he said he will come and see the baby when he’s ready and I should stop texting him or he will block my number bear in mind I haven’t done anything to him I just wanted to be nice and let him know that the baby is here. I was spending the night at my sisters house and my baby’s father decided to go to my house with his mum (thinking I was at home) to see the baby at nine in the night without letting me know and was really angry that I wasn’t there but yet he hasn’t planned anything with me and was even really rude and said he will contact me when he’s ready, he went to the house and he knows I leave a spare key under the mat and managed to get into my home, he kept calling me and saying he was waiting for me but I never agreed on meeting him that day. my battery died so I left my phone off till the next morning I went to my house to find that my TV had been smashed and was really upset by it and charged my phone, when it turned on I see text messages from him saying that he has smashed my TV. I was really upset and just drained and his mum has been sending me paragraphs saying that she would like to be in the babies life and would love to see the baby and that her son doesn’t have to be there and she’ll come to me to see the baby. She said she understand we don’t get on and was aware he physically assaulted me whilst I was pregnant and told me his dad was the same and agreed that he needs to sort out his anger before being in the baby’s life. I mentioned my smashed tv and she told me she had no idea and said it’s because he was waiting for so long... but she really wants to see the baby, but right now I honestly just don’t want him or his family seeing the baby maybe one day down the line but not any time soon am I being unreasonable ?

OP posts:
CooperLooper · 03/11/2019 21:05

You've called the police, right? He's trespassed onto your property and smashed up your TV?

Wildorchidz · 03/11/2019 21:05

I’d go to the police about the assault and the smashing up of your tv.
And I’d keep the baby a million miles away from him.

CooperLooper · 03/11/2019 21:05

Also move your key from under the mat so he can't get in again!!

Winterdaysarehere · 03/11/2019 21:06

I hope you rang the police about the TV?
Tell him he can see the baby when a court orders it.
He is nuts.
And dangerous - dna doesn't give such a man 'rights' over your precious baby.

justthecat · 03/11/2019 21:07

I’d call the police and tell them he gained access and caused the damage.
Change the locks and don’t leave spare keys about.
Then tell him to fuck off
Ignore his mother

aweedropofsancerre · 03/11/2019 21:07

Call the police and report him for criminal damage. Then have a think about whether your want any of them in your DC life. There is no want his mum didn’t know that he smashed up your TV. Why would she think it was acceptable to go into your home and wait for you without any notice? She sounds as bad as him

Jeleste · 03/11/2019 21:08

I honestly dont know whats best. I think i would let the mum see the baby on her own, but i am a softie.
Although i would try to meet at someones apartment where you can see first if she really did come alone and if she brings her son along then that would be it for me until he sorts himself out.

Dyrne · 03/11/2019 21:08

I came on to say you need to facilitate a relationship between your child and their father; but reading your post I can see why you would be wary of bringing such a violent man into your baby’s life.

Given the breaking in, the damage caused, and the texts admitting everything, I think you would be perfectly justified in insisting on some sort of supervised contact, if at all. Is there any reason you didn’t report your ex to the police when you discovered the break in and the broken TV? Are you afraid of him? There are agencies that can help you navigate all this. Flowers

Grumpyunleashed · 03/11/2019 21:08

No your not being unreasonable.
Report him to police for burglary and keep his text as evidence!
Also report domestic violence if you haven’t already.

Good luck

Sleepyhead19 · 03/11/2019 21:13

Absolutely do not let him see her. If he can assault you when pregnant, he doesn’t care about you or the baby! His mum went with him at stupid o clock at night to your house, didn’t tell him it was a bad time, didn’t say no to breaking into your home and then trespassed with him. They are both criminals. Call the police. You NEED this on record in case things get worse. If he turns up at the door again, you need to call them too!

JasonPollack · 03/11/2019 21:15

Call the police. Move the key. Block his number. Never let any of them see the baby.

RightYesButNo · 03/11/2019 21:16

You are not being unreasonable. His mum is already making excuses for why he is violent (he smashed your TV because he had to wait???), so I don’t think she’s a better bet than he is. Keep them all away. You will only be unreasonable if you don’t report him to the police - you have plenty of text messages as evidence of what he’s done. And you may need that police report to keep him away from your baby at some point, because if you never report him for all the criminal things he’s done, like breaking in and assaulting you, then if he someday tries to get child visits or even worse, custody, of your child, the court will just see it as “he said - she said” without a paper trail, including police reports, to support what you’re saying.

madcatladyforever · 03/11/2019 21:19

Firstly call the police and get him charged. This is essential in case he gets violent again. Secondly and I always say this. DON'T offer any contact voluntarily or go looking for it.
You will regret it. men like this are not worth the hassle.

Queenoftheashes · 03/11/2019 21:23

Call the police, move the key and I’d also consider changing the locks or moving. Ignore his mother she sounds like a DV apologist.

Deepblueriver · 03/11/2019 21:23

I agree that you should call the police. You will probably be able to get a court order keeping him away from you and that would be a good idea.

See if you can contact your local branch of women’s aid as they are easier to get through to than the national helpline. They might be able to provide you with some to support you.

I am so sorry this has happened to you at what should be a happy time.

user1493413286 · 03/11/2019 21:27

Call the police, get this properly recorded so if I’m the future he goes through the courts then there is proof and not just your word against his.
I’d like to think his mum is supportive towards you but she didn’t stop him coming to yours at a stupidly late time and entering your house. If you decide to meet her then have someone else with you and do it in public so you can easily leave if you want or if she brings her son.

Starlight456 · 03/11/2019 21:28

You need to go to the police. This will help to protect your baby.

I am not sure of age of baby but if not registered do not put him on bc and give baby your surname.

Obviously move the key.

I would not engage with his mum at all. There are move cases of gp’s going to court to ask for permission for access due to having a relationship with their grandchildren.

I would text him if he turns up at your house you will call the police then block

AgnesGrundy · 03/11/2019 21:28

What an idiot - go to the police with a photo of the smashed TV and his texts and ask for him to be prosecuted/ for a non molestation order!

His mother may or may not be a different story but either way has no rights.

Have you put him on the birth certificate? If you haven't registered the birth don't put him on the certificate (presumably he can't be on it because he did not register the birth with you).

upups · 03/11/2019 21:29

Tell the police and log it all with them. You can have him charged with the evidence. Get a lawyer and fight for him to have no rights over your child. Get a non molestation order against him if you think he will continue to contact you. Also make sure you do not put his name on your child's birth certificate. Ignore his mother, I imagine she will be just as toxic and horrible as him. You and you baby at the much better off without either of them in your life x

Disfordarkchocolate · 03/11/2019 21:29

Ring the police.
Change the locks.
Take time to think things through.
Give the baby your surname.
When you are ready for contact you may need a contact centre, is he safe to see the baby when he was violent when you were pregnant?
Put yourself and the baby first.

namechange4052 · 03/11/2019 21:30

He's even admitted via text message that he's caused the damage, call the police!

Lemonlimesoda · 03/11/2019 21:31

DO NOT PUT HIM ON THE BIRTH CERTIFICATE

carly2803 · 03/11/2019 21:33

police.
do not give the baby his name.
donot let him see the baby

if you do not phone the police you will literally have nothing to keep him away from the baby in the future

elmosducks · 03/11/2019 21:34

He is an awful human being. Who does that? Call the police.

elmosducks · 03/11/2019 21:35

He is an awful human being. Who does that? Call the police.

And move your spare key!