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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Should I let my ex and his family see the baby.

117 replies

Youngmumxo · 03/11/2019 21:03

Hi, Me and my ex partner recently just had a baby. I left him due to lots of arguments And wanted to put my baby and her well-being first. I’ve had the baby And told him about it via text message and he said he will come and see the baby when he’s ready and I should stop texting him or he will block my number bear in mind I haven’t done anything to him I just wanted to be nice and let him know that the baby is here. I was spending the night at my sisters house and my baby’s father decided to go to my house with his mum (thinking I was at home) to see the baby at nine in the night without letting me know and was really angry that I wasn’t there but yet he hasn’t planned anything with me and was even really rude and said he will contact me when he’s ready, he went to the house and he knows I leave a spare key under the mat and managed to get into my home, he kept calling me and saying he was waiting for me but I never agreed on meeting him that day. my battery died so I left my phone off till the next morning I went to my house to find that my TV had been smashed and was really upset by it and charged my phone, when it turned on I see text messages from him saying that he has smashed my TV. I was really upset and just drained and his mum has been sending me paragraphs saying that she would like to be in the babies life and would love to see the baby and that her son doesn’t have to be there and she’ll come to me to see the baby. She said she understand we don’t get on and was aware he physically assaulted me whilst I was pregnant and told me his dad was the same and agreed that he needs to sort out his anger before being in the baby’s life. I mentioned my smashed tv and she told me she had no idea and said it’s because he was waiting for so long... but she really wants to see the baby, but right now I honestly just don’t want him or his family seeing the baby maybe one day down the line but not any time soon am I being unreasonable ?

OP posts:
MsJaneAusten · 03/11/2019 22:40

Report. Report. Report.

Her text messages are actually helpful evidence.

DO NOT PUT HIS NAME ON THE BIRTH CERTIFICATE

TiceCream · 03/11/2019 22:40

he physically assaulted me whilst I was pregnant
Why are you even considering having any further contact with this man or his family? Block them all and let him take you to court for access if he can be bothered. Report his trespass and violence to the police, and keep reporting every incident so there’s a record of his behaviour. Do not put him on the birth certificate. You need to be aiming for zero contact or supervised contact only - he’s violent and not a safe person for your child to be around. Truthfully if I was you I’d move away or your child’s safety.

PoloMama · 03/11/2019 22:43

Report him to the police. Be sure to screenshot and save any messages from him. His mother sounds extremely weak and while I can understand she is desperate to see the baby she will not be strong enough to stop him gatecrashing her visits. If you have not yet registered the birth then do not put his name on the birth certificate.

Scarydinosaurs · 03/11/2019 22:44

Go to the police. Despite what happened before. You gave evidence now- he admits it in the text!

justilou1 · 03/11/2019 22:45

You have texts admitting he smashed your tv and you were at your sister’s place. Go to the police. He’s dodgy AF.

JenniferM1989 · 03/11/2019 22:46

Have you registered your daughter yet? I never say this but if you haven't, DO NOT put him on the birth certificate. He is violent to you, he trespassed into your house and broke the TV and he is just bad news. The longer you can keep him away with him having no PR, the better. Ignore his mum for now. She may be able to be involved down the line but not now

nespressowoo · 03/11/2019 22:52

You're a mother now. You have a duty to protect your child. You must report this to the police. You have evidence. Please, please contact them.

nespressowoo · 03/11/2019 22:53

And as others have said DO NOT PUT HIM ON THE BIRTH CERTIFICATE

isitxmasyet · 03/11/2019 22:53

OP do not underestimate how dangerous this man is.

And his mum, however well meaning she appears, is his mum and will protect him and almost certainly involve him if she gets access to your child.

Please report him for entering without agreement and criminal damage.

You have to have this on record Op.
And do not allow him contact with your DD

He is a violent man who lies and abuses and has zero respect or concern for you or his child.

Block his number.
Make him get a court order for contact and insist it is supervised given the history of DV and the recent event.

Please please talk to women’s aid and get help navigating this

I’m really worried about your safety OP.
He doesn’t want to have a meaningful relationship with his child he wants to abuse and control you and will use her to this end.

You must stay away from this man.
Please also consider some help like the freedom programme as the fact you would even consider YABU for saying no to contact is very worrying.

Decent fathers do not behave like that.

ButtonMoonLoon · 03/11/2019 22:54

This time you have evidence from his text messages that he’s admitted to doing it, you MUST phone the police.
Also....key under the doormat? You really need to rethink/tighten up on your security

As far as his Mother goes...I would consider letting her see the baby but away from your home, with another person present and on the condition he doesn’t know about the meeting until afterwards.

NWQM · 03/11/2019 22:54

Have you some support you can turn to?

We will all be here to listen and advise but as you can see we are all really worried for you? He is obviously the sort who will turn when he doesn't get his own way.

I'd report to the police. Go for child maintenance & get some advice about at best giving supervised contact to him and his Mum. Contact can be formally supervised or if you have support then you could do it with help and see how it goes the first time.

Move the key - if you really need one on stand by get a key box - and consider changing the locks.

Very conscientious that just repeating other posters but honestly it's the way to go.

Above stay safe

Poptasmagorical · 03/11/2019 22:58

Please please report this to the police. I know it’s scary and you wish you didn’t have to, but you might need that evidence one day. Anything you can do to keep you and your baby safe is worth doing, no matter how nerve wracking it is.

I’m not saying this to frighten you, but women are really vulnerable when they’ve just had a baby to an abusive ex/partner and it’s a major time for escalation of violence. You really need to do everything you can to stay safe, and that definitely means not keeping a key under the mat!

Call 101 and tell them you’d like to log the incidents. They’ll probably send a PCSO or PC to speak to you and you can show the texts he sent, particularly the one where he admits to smashing your tv, and give you some advice. They might even want to instal a panic button for you.

Please don’t convince yourself that you’re blowing it out of proportion. He’s a potential risk and you need help. Please take it.

IWorkAtTheCheescakeFactory · 03/11/2019 23:05

Report this latest incidents to the police. You have proof of this one in your texts. He sent you angry texts and then told you he has smashed your TV. Please report it. And apply for a Restraining order. Even if it doesn’t go anywhere it’s building up a record of his behaviour. (They will still have the previous report on record)

SusanneLinder · 03/11/2019 23:06

As soon as you posted about him threatening to block your number told me he isn't ready to be a father, and that was before I got to rest of it. Run for the hills, report to police and get him arrested for Criminal damage.

Get advice from women's aid and police as this man is dangerous.
Keep away from his mother too!

Nat6999 · 03/11/2019 23:09

Can you go to your home & without going in look to see if he has smashed your television? Then ring the police, & tell them you are too scared to go back in your house, show them the threats & let them see the damage for themselves. Then you need a solicitor to block him from having any access to your baby & a non molestation order for both of you. I would change your locks & speak to your local council about the sanctuary scheme, they can fit extra security, things like window alarms, security lights, spyholes in your front door, things to make you feel safe & secure.

MidnightMystery · 03/11/2019 23:09

Report the smashed tv. Get a restraining order.

Lentilbug · 03/11/2019 23:15

Also think you should ignore Mrwoofingtons post. Call the police and report him for smashing the TV. Ignore the ex and his mum. Your child is not safe with such people.

PanamaPattie · 03/11/2019 23:26

Oh for goodness sake. No - of course not.

Cohle · 03/11/2019 23:28

OP please don't let your previous experience put you off reporting this to the police. You have to put your safety, and the safety of your child, first.

Blippolbblopp · 03/11/2019 23:37

Please dont let your past experience with the police put you off

The first time i rang the police on my ex assaulting me he was released without charge due to lack of evidence. It really knocked my confidence and made his ego bigger. Even though he attacked me several times again i didnt ring the police again until 4 years later.

He was found guilty that time and given a no contact order for me and the children.

This time is different. You have texts from him admitting it. You have texts from his mum confirming what he has been like, show the police everything you have, they will help you this time, you have black and white evidence x

AwkwardFucker · 03/11/2019 23:40

Screen shot the texts. Take a photo of tv. Call the police.

You have evidence now.

OoohRhubarbLetsGo · 03/11/2019 23:41

Report to police - you have evidence now. It would be worth you talking to a domestic violence adviser to find out what legal steps you can take to protect yourself.

You will need evidence of having reported this to stand any chance of legal aid in case of future court proceedings.

Get your locks changed- there is every chance he now has a copy of your key. Then give your spare to a trusted relative ( keeping a spare key under the mat is ridiculously insecure anyway).

Don’t put him on the birth certificate, and ensure the baby is registered with your surname.

Don’t build up a pattern of contact with grandparents. Your ex’s mother has told you that her household is or was violent, and you would not be able to protect your child from that.

If you are court ordered to allow contact, try to insist on a supervised contact centre.

WagtailRobin · 03/11/2019 23:48

Parent alienation is wrong but I do see why you're concerned when he has shown aggression previously.

However, I do still believe your child has a right to know its father/extended family and unless he poses a risk to the child it wouldn't be right or fair to stop them from forming a relationship. Obviously he has been violent etc towards you, so on that basis it would be perfectly reasonable for you to insist on supervised contact. You need to get some proper advice and help with putting a plan of action in place.

Original poster
Youngmumxo · 03/11/2019 23:56

@wagtailrobin he was physically abusive to me whilst pregnant so yes that does mean he poses a risk to my child. He could have seriously harmed her

OP posts:
QueenofPain · 03/11/2019 23:59

You want to have as little to do with these people as possible. Go to the police, don’t put him on the birth certificate and move on with your life.

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