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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Should I let my ex and his family see the baby.

117 replies

Youngmumxo · 03/11/2019 21:03

Hi, Me and my ex partner recently just had a baby. I left him due to lots of arguments And wanted to put my baby and her well-being first. I’ve had the baby And told him about it via text message and he said he will come and see the baby when he’s ready and I should stop texting him or he will block my number bear in mind I haven’t done anything to him I just wanted to be nice and let him know that the baby is here. I was spending the night at my sisters house and my baby’s father decided to go to my house with his mum (thinking I was at home) to see the baby at nine in the night without letting me know and was really angry that I wasn’t there but yet he hasn’t planned anything with me and was even really rude and said he will contact me when he’s ready, he went to the house and he knows I leave a spare key under the mat and managed to get into my home, he kept calling me and saying he was waiting for me but I never agreed on meeting him that day. my battery died so I left my phone off till the next morning I went to my house to find that my TV had been smashed and was really upset by it and charged my phone, when it turned on I see text messages from him saying that he has smashed my TV. I was really upset and just drained and his mum has been sending me paragraphs saying that she would like to be in the babies life and would love to see the baby and that her son doesn’t have to be there and she’ll come to me to see the baby. She said she understand we don’t get on and was aware he physically assaulted me whilst I was pregnant and told me his dad was the same and agreed that he needs to sort out his anger before being in the baby’s life. I mentioned my smashed tv and she told me she had no idea and said it’s because he was waiting for so long... but she really wants to see the baby, but right now I honestly just don’t want him or his family seeing the baby maybe one day down the line but not any time soon am I being unreasonable ?

OP posts:

Lyingonthesofainthedark · 03/11/2019 21:37

Don't put him on the birth certificate.

Mrwoofington · 03/11/2019 21:37

Send a txt

Dear ex,
Thank you for coming to my home on X date, I am really pleased that you would like to have a relationship with your DC.
I was quite upset to find however that you had trespassed and damaged my belongings, I have of course had to report this to the police and will do so again if you come onto my property without prior warning.

I would love for you and DC to have a relationship, and it would be lovely for DC to also get to know your family.
Obviously I do feel somewhat unsafe around you now, given recent events and our history, and so I would prefer we do this via a contact centre to begin with.

I am free on X dates.
If you'd like to set up arrangements I will ensure DC and I are there.'

You are civil, you are the bigger person, you have laid out your boundaries clearly and unemotionally.
DC is going to be safe, as are you.
Well done for getting out of that relationship for yours and your child's sake when he was abusive, but as you have to interact with him for as long as he's in your child's life, im not sure being antagonistic is the best route - though you have every right to do that should you wish.

Keep all his txts, all evidence of assault, trespassing and damage of property - you may need this if there are ever any custody issues.
Report the incident to the police.

Move the key.

Thehop · 03/11/2019 21:37

Don’t put him on baby’s birth certificate and do not give baby his name

Report to police

Change locks

Try to move.

Merryoldgoat · 03/11/2019 21:38

Keep all the texts, call the police and get this fucker out of your life.

Please tell me he isn’t on the birth certificate...

Leeds2 · 03/11/2019 21:41

Another one saying call the police.

I don't think I would actually prevent his mother from seeing the baby, as she isn't responsible for her son's actions and may be a perfectly reasonable lady. Unless of course you have evidence to the contrary, in which case block her.

MollyButton · 03/11/2019 21:42

Don't try to arrange contact. Do report it to the police. And improve your home security (police can advise).

Keep yourself and your LO safe and away from him and his family.

Whitleyboy · 03/11/2019 21:43

YANBU in not wanting your ex or his family to see the baby. You do not have to let them see the baby if you don't want to. When (if you haven't already) you register her birth do not let him come with you and leave her father's name blank.

Your baby will be better off without having an abusive and violent father on the scene. His mother is weird too if she thinks it acceptable to turn up uninvited to see your baby at 9 at night.

I think you should report him having smashed your TV to the police and provide evidence in the form of the broken TV and text message from him about it.

Your ex hasn't broken an entry - you left a key under the mat. I must say I can't believe your stupidity in doing that and you are very lucky no thieves have ever entered your home by using the spare key. It's a place any potential burglars would look for a key. Also, note it would invalid any home contents insurance policy.

Get your locks changed and, if you must leave a spare key somewhere, have a keysafe device outside where only you know the PIN.

IWorkAtTheCheescakeFactory · 03/11/2019 21:44

Call the police, report the home intrusion, the vandalism, (you have proof it was him in your texts) the violence whilst pregnant. Report it all, get a restraining order against him. Change your locks. Keep your doors locked at all times. Ignore every single contact from him, his mum and any of his family. (Really important that you don’t engage with them at all anymore- no matter what they send you in texts) If he wants contact he can take you to court. When he does you get a solicitor and give them all your evidence of abuse and violent temper. Instruct them that you oppose contact on this basis. Do not give him any access to your baby until a court has ordered you to.

Please tell me he isn’t named on the birth certificate?

ReanimatedSGB · 03/11/2019 21:46

Ok it is NOT 'better' for a child to know their father when the father is a useless piece of shit. Report this man's behaviour to the police and get Women's AId to help you put up barriers and boundaries to keep him away from you and your baby.
You could, if you want to, set up an arrangement for the baby's grandmother to see the baby, but make it on your terms (grandparents have no legal rights) so in a public place when you have someone with you.
And, when your baby grows up, have an explanation ready - that some people are not very good at being parents and Dad is one of those people; he had to go and live somewhere else...
Best of luck. Remember these people are tossers and you do not have to obey them, and you have every right to keep yourself and your DC safe.

SuzieSunshine · 03/11/2019 21:46

How did his mum have no idea about the smashed TV if she was there?

IWorkAtTheCheescakeFactory · 03/11/2019 21:47

Ignore Mrwoofingtons bizarre post.

BrassTactical · 03/11/2019 21:48

I’d text him and say he’s not seeing the baby as he physically assaulted you when pregnant, hopefully he will reply admitting it.

THEN when you have that text, call the police, report the assault, breaking and entering and criminal damage (TV) with texts to prove it.

Change all the locks or stay at your families for a while. Do NOT LET that man see your baby. Let him take you to court for supervised contact.

The mother, well that’s up to you, does she generally hate or facilitate his behaviour? If she rejects her sons actions generally then I may let her visit the baby at your families house (not alone in case she brings him).

IWorkAtTheCheescakeFactory · 03/11/2019 21:50

You could, if you want to, set up an arrangement for the baby's grandmother to see the baby, but make it on your terms (grandparents have no legal rights) so in a public place when you have someone with you.

Think carefully about this. Allowing grandmother to see the baby establishes a pattern of contact. This was used as the reason for my DCs grandparents being awarded contact of my child. If they hadn’t been seeing the baby the contact would never have been awarded but as. Relationship had been established the judge said it was in the baby's interests to continue despite there already having been a gap of 9 months since before the child was a year old!

plightofthealbatross · 03/11/2019 21:52

He showed up at your house unannounced and let himself in uninvited (trespass) then smashed up your tv in a rage.

Call the police.

And don't get near his family.

VimFuego101 · 03/11/2019 21:56

Call the police, call CMS to set up payments for child support, and let him take you to court to see the baby so that you can put a formal order in place to put clear rules around when he can visit and what the arrangements will be. Don't engage with his mother, she's already making excuses for him. Don't put him on the birth cert, it will give him a lot of control over you.

Winterdaysarehere · 03/11/2019 22:02

His dm raised this monster. She isn't your friend. She will defend him endlessly..
Do not allow contact with any of his family.

AdaColeman · 03/11/2019 22:09

Contact the police about him entering your home and damaging your property.
Kept all the text messages he has sent you as evidence.
Do not contact him and block his number so he cannot contact you.
Move your spare key, and ASAP get your lock changed.
Do not put him on the birth certificate or give the baby his name.
Do not arrange to see him.
Do not arrange for his mother to see the baby.

Think about moving elsewhere.
Stop trying to be nice, instead, try to keep safe.

TSSDNCOP · 03/11/2019 22:10

Oh for god’s own sake. Phone the police and dob him in for smashing your tv. Then raise your daughter without any of this ancillary drama.

Sallyseagull · 03/11/2019 22:11

Go to the police. He should not be around you or your baby.

Littlemeadow123 · 03/11/2019 22:27

@Whitleyboy

He didn't break in but he did enter without her permission, which is an offence.

Sweetpeach3 · 03/11/2019 22:28

Ring the police and don't dare leave a key to your house living around whilst he's on the loose !
If his mum is being reasonable she can come visit on your terms but she doesn't need take the baby in her own or anything just visit st your house when agreed. In regards to him. Just ignore him he's clearly useless
I hope your okay x

MitziK · 03/11/2019 22:29

Report him and press charges.

That gives a paper trail for when he applies for 50:50 residence, tries to stop you moving home, demands your new address if you move, wants to stop you leaving the country on holiday, etc, etc.

Clangus00 · 03/11/2019 22:32

Definitely report this to the police!

MadeForThis · 03/11/2019 22:33

His mother will always put her son first. I wouldn't allow contact yet.

Report him to the police.

Don't put his name in the birth certificate.

He sounds dangerous and his mother is already making excuses for him.

Original poster

Youngmumxo · 03/11/2019 22:35

Thanks everyone for the replies, I’ve pressed charged against him being violent during my pregnancy but it didn’t get anywhere because of lack of evidence he told police that I made up these allegations because I was apparently jealous that he’s gotten a new girlfriend (lies as I was not aware of this) and they took his word. It’s really traumatised me being told by police the assault didn’t happen and I was just being “jealous” hence why I decided to not call the police when he broke my tv. Very focused on keeping my baby safely away from him, his mum stated that she had no idea because she left my house before he did and wasn’t aware that he broke the tv??? Also said that he had told her that it was planned and I was expecting them ?? I have a bad feeling about this and should trust my gut instinct because it doesn’t add up. I think she’s doing this so she can talk me into making him possibly seeing the baby

OP posts:

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