Should I let my ex and his family see the baby.

[Youngmumxo]

Hi, Me and my ex partner recently just had a baby. I left him due to lots of arguments And wanted to put my baby and her well-being first. I’ve had the baby And told him about it via text message and he said he will come and see the baby when he’s ready and I should stop texting him or he will block my number bear in mind I haven’t done anything to him I just wanted to be nice and let him know that the baby is here. I was spending the night at my sisters house and my baby’s father decided to go to my house with his mum (thinking I was at home) to see the baby at nine in the night without letting me know and was really angry that I wasn’t there but yet he hasn’t planned anything with me and was even really rude and said he will contact me when he’s ready, he went to the house and he knows I leave a spare key under the mat and managed to get into my home, he kept calling me and saying he was waiting for me but I never agreed on meeting him that day. my battery died so I left my phone off till the next morning I went to my house to find that my TV had been smashed and was really upset by it and charged my phone, when it turned on I see text messages from him saying that he has smashed my TV. I was really upset and just drained and his mum has been sending me paragraphs saying that she would like to be in the babies life and would love to see the baby and that her son doesn’t have to be there and she’ll come to me to see the baby. She said she understand we don’t get on and was aware he physically assaulted me whilst I was pregnant and told me his dad was the same and agreed that he needs to sort out his anger before being in the baby’s life. I mentioned my smashed tv and she told me she had no idea and said it’s because he was waiting for so long... but she really wants to see the baby, but right now I honestly just don’t want him or his family seeing the baby maybe one day down the line but not any time soon am I being unreasonable ?

Well done op for contacting the police. Was brave of you after the previous incidents.
Make sure no spare key available anywhere you'll never be that desperate to get inside that it risks your security.
Keep baby away and let police deal with things and then the courts. And his mum apologising for him is just ridiculous.

OP do not put him on the birth certificate. This will give him equal parental rights.

His mother also trespassed, speak to social services/child protection and record their activities to date. You don't have to be "nice" to someone who has physically attacked you, the two don't go together. Use every agency that you can to build legal boundaries against them, report every incident, so that you have a paper trail. Do not engage, you owe them nothing.

Please change the locks, I wouldn't trust him to not have made a copy. Don't put him on the birth certificate. Be wary of the mother. If you do decide to meet her do it in a public place or make sure someone is with you for support.

It’s great that you’ve reported this to the police online but please, phone them as well. From what you’ve said you urgently need a tag put on your address and a security check to ensure that everything is as safe and secure as it can be. I’d also ask about an injunction/prohibited steps order.
If you contact Womens Aid that will be another source of support that will start a record of the domestic abuse you experienced during pregnancy, meaning legal aid should be easier to get if you do need legal support too.

I take it his name is on the birth cert.

Oh lovely I'm so sorry you're going through this at such a sensitive time anyway. It's proper shit that the police would do that to you when they're supposed to protect you.

Please just block both their numbers and don't answer the door to them they both sound dangerous. Do not let them see the baby. Make him go through courts he probably won't bother.

Have a speak to your health visitor about it she will be able to point you in the direction of any local support for victims of DV.

Stay strong

Well done for making a report to the police. Continue to do so if he is abusive to you. Do you have contents insurance that you could make a claim through for the TV?

You had a message from him saying he smashed the tv, your evidence is there.. report it otherwise he won't stop this behaviour and it can get worse in the future.. and now they will have to believe you as he message that himself..

@IWorkAtTheCheescakeFactory I don't think my post was bizarre.
The ex has been abusive and it sounds like op still wanted him to see the child on some level.
So if she's going to do that, it may as well be civil and safe on her end. Trying to keep a clear head and have things in writing, evidence that she has not withheld visitation and references to his abuse and crimes which he would hopefully confirm in his replies, can only work in her favour.
I also said to move the key and report it to the police.

Personally I think she would be within her rights to refuse access to the child and make him go to court, but frankly I'm not sure what that would achieve, particularly as he hasn't been violent to the child there's a good chance she'd be forced to send the child to him or gps, at least the way I suggested she was in a bit more control.
But we can politely agree to disagree I'm sure.

Op as I said previously, well done for getting out of that relationship and getting you and your child to safety. And we'll done again for handling this so well to continue you do the best you can for your child.
I hope things start to get easier

Glad you have reported to the police. Do report anything . It builds up a picture for the police . Do tell Hv what is happening too

You need to think STRATEGICALLY-firstly you felt somehow compelled to inform your violent ex about the birth secondly you never changed the locks and left a spare key to your home available so ANYONE could've entered at any time thirdly you had to be told to contact the police about the trespassing and broken tv when the bastard admitted it via text! His arrogant and angry admission over text PROVES he did it and the police can go back to your assault complaint while pregnant and REEVALUATE it to see a pattern of behavior! This could prevent him from any parental rights in the future should it come to that! Get an attorney who specializes in family law. You have to think about safety for BOTH of you! Change the locks or move.

Dear ex,
Thank you for coming to my home on X date

Thanking a violent ex partner for turning up uninvited to your home, gaining unlawful access and causing criminal damage to your property is bizarre! Talk about female socialisation!

I am really pleased that you would like to have a relationship with your DC.

She isn’t pleased. She is horrified and terrified. you never put anything in writing that could be used against you- especially if it isn’t true.

I am free on X dates.
If you'd like to set up arrangements I will ensure DC and I are there.'

Why on earth would you advise an abuse victim to tell her abuser when she is free and where he can get access to her? he invaded her home and smashed up her property, what makes you think he’ll suddenly start respecting her in person?

You do not negotiate with or placate abusers. It doesn’t keep them mellow so they’ll treat you nice. You block them. Remove all their access to you and engage only through safe channels. In this case that would be a solicitor- if he Persues contact. OP shouldn’t be offering him anything.

evidence that she has not withheld visitation and references to his abuse and crimes which he would hopefully confirm in his replies, can only work in her favour.

This can actually work against her if SS become involved.

OP, I think you put him on the birth certificate?

OP I’m really sorry you’re going through this and I hope you have some real life support. Please consider contacting women’s aid (who were a wonderful support to me) and confiding in your health visitor. Remember, none of this is your fault, you have nothing to be ashamed of, and nobody will judge you for it. There is so much help out there, and people who will keep you and your baby safe.
And change the locks.

@IWorkAtTheCheescakeFactory
ok fair enough
In my defence I hadn't read the TV bit when I wrote that and I didn't reread it.
However my understanding on first read was that she did want him to come over and she did want him to see the baby originally - prior to this incident.

Free and at home are two different things - if she does want the child to see the father it's at least stating now that it's on her terms rather than being at his call at a time to suit him.
I did say visitation shouldn't be at home
And at a visitation centre she wouldn't need to have any contact with him.
I do not think he will be nice to her in person which is why I was suggesting that.

I do not think if a woman is nice to an abuser he will be nice back. But I do think that being strategic in how you communicate is sensible.
If op wants no contact with him she should not have it
I'll leave it there, we disagree on method, but ultimately we have both said we want op to be safe and do only what she is comfortable with.

Op I wish you the best, I hope this works out for you and your DC and you get the help from the police that you deserve, going forward

Jesus this is terrifying. Call the police.