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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

BF is getting walked all over again. Won't stand up for himself.

125 replies

HolidayTroubles · 03/11/2019 19:24

Been told before in other posts that IABU regarding the scrounger my BFs brother but I want to get an opinion on this as I genuinely think I'm not being unreasonable about this:

My BF told me earlier today he gave his brother two hundred pound to go on holiday with (going on wednesday) even though he already has spending money to go with and the other spending money his brother had saved up, he has spent on stuff for the upcoming holiday like new clothes and other things including airpods, so not just practical things for holiday but stuff that he wanted anyway (yes, he would use his airpods on holiday to listen to music but they weren't just for the holiday but just because he wanted to have them). But he sees nothing wrong with giving him money to spend, simply because his brother asked if he could borrow money for his holiday and he would pay him back when he got back (even though he blatantly won't). I asked why he thought it was appropriate to give him money and he said "because he's my brother". And that was it.

I don't begrudge him having a good time but why give him money to spend out there when he has already spent all his 'out there' money here beforehand? Because he knew that my BF would supplement what he spent before he went out of my BFs own bank account, that's why. I told my BF he is getting the absolute piss taken out of him but he doesn't believe it or just doesn't mind or seem to care. I told him not to do it and it wouldn't be a good idea but he didn't listen and now we are £200 lighter and his brother is laughing at us (not literally but that's how it comes ascross). Do you think this is unreasonable and my BF is a fool and a mug for falling for this? I have told him this but he's not listening to me. He's not going to get the money back, I know it and I think he knows it too and is probably embarrassed but he just did it anyway and now his brother gets a holiday with free money from us to spend on what he likes with no repurcussion. Is his brother BU? What should I tell my BF to do about it (If he will listen) or is it too likely too late now to do anything anyway? At a wits end here.

OP posts:
Lulualla · 03/11/2019 19:26

Do you live together? Joint bills? Joint finances?

Drum2018 · 03/11/2019 19:29

If he doesn't seem to think it's a problem then there's not much you can do. I'd be rethinking the relationship as he will probably always bail his brother out and it will continue to annoy you.

ParkLife123 · 03/11/2019 19:31

I don’t think it’s that big a deal, unless you and BF are struggling financially. In his mind he’s probably gifted it to his brother and knows he won’t get it back...sometimes family do things like that and it’s just a nice gesture and nothing to get worked up about UNLESS there is a huge back story here and he’s regularly taking money from your BF even though your BF can’t afford it and perhaps this is money better spent ie. is there something you’re both saving for or some repair/maintenance that needs doing? Can the two of you not afford to go abroad because he’s funding his brother’s lifestyle etc. You can see where the distinction lies.”

So to sum up, not a massive deal on its own but a bit more context might change how I see this.

gobbynorthernbird · 03/11/2019 19:34

If you are who I think you are, again, keep your beak out.

Thingsdogetbetter · 03/11/2019 19:36

When you say 'we' are £200 lighter, do you mean it was from a shared account? If I remember this rightly, your bf and you had separate money. Has this changed?

If it hasn't it is none of your business. Again.

Your bf has the right to give £ to his brother, and he can pretend it's a loan all he wants. Your bf knows full well it won't be returned. He doesn't care it won't be returned. He's probably only saying loan to you because you have such an unreasonable bee in your bonnet about this!

You have no right to TELL your bf what to do with his own money - even of his brother is taking the piss. It's HIS money and his brother.

If it's shared money then the only piss taking is your bf of you. He is allowed use his money to subsidise his brother all he likes. But he shouldn't use your money to do so.

So if your bf using his money or joint money?

SD1978 · 03/11/2019 19:38

@gobbynorthernbird -trying to work out if it is. And if it is pulling up for the inevitable ridiculous comments and justifications........🤣

AlunWynsKnee · 03/11/2019 19:39

You're still together? Shock

You do nothing. Your bf likes helping his brother out and it remains none of your business.

nonevernotever · 03/11/2019 19:40

@gobbynorthernbird that's what I was thinking too.

Elieza · 03/11/2019 19:41

Unless the money comes out the joint pot you and your husband have for savings it shouldn’t be an issue as it’s not directly affecting you. Your husband will know he’ll never see the money again. He’s just being kind to his idiot brother. It’s his choice and right to do that.
If it’s out your joint pot that you equally contribute to make sure you also take that same amount and put it in your own savings pot.

cheesydoesit · 03/11/2019 19:55

I knew it was you from the title! Anyway, there's not much you can do apart from stay and get annoyed, stay and accept it or leave.

hazell42 · 03/11/2019 19:57

I remember your other posts.
Why do you think the consensus will be different this time?
You say he won't stand up for himself, but he seems to have no problem standing up to you and giving his brother money. Maybe that's what you don't like.
You have no right to tell him what to spend his money on
MYOB

PennysPocket · 03/11/2019 19:58

YABU you have posted about this before and I think the common theme was YABU.

Dump him or accept it but please stop asking the same thing over and over.

bluegreygreen · 03/11/2019 19:59

T.o reiterate from previous posts -

You don't have joint money

Money your BF gives his brother is from his own account

If your adult BF wishes to give his brother money / gifts etc - whether for Christmas or because 'he's my brother' - that is entirely up to him

Original poster
HolidayTroubles · 03/11/2019 20:01

Ok but does nobody so far think that the fact that he had spending money and spent it all BEFORE he went on holiday in the first place because he knew more was coming his way is wrong? Especially as it was on stuff that he wanted?

And to the poster above, i'm not trying to tell my BF what to do with his money, i'm just trying to tell him that he's being taken the piss out of and made to look a walkover.

OP posts:
PennysPocket · 03/11/2019 20:03

Yes it's wrong but I doubt your BF is an idiot and is fully aware of his brothers spending choices but he still chooses to give him money and appears happy and able to do so.
You will not change your BF's attitude or his brothers. Its his money stay out of it.

Elieza · 03/11/2019 20:05

Yeah he’s an ass spending it before. And you know why he did it, as he’d get even more money. One day your dp will see what he does. Or perhaps he already does but can’t refuse to help family, even if the guys an ass.

Winterdaysarehere · 03/11/2019 20:07

Do not agree to be in anyway financially tied to your bf.
His finances are already accounted for elsewhere..
You would imo end up supporting you both.

TowelNumber42 · 03/11/2019 20:08

Your boyfriend knows how his brother is spending the money and he's OK with it. You have told him you think he should not be OK with it. He disagrees.

Why are you with a boyfriend you have no respect for? Whether he's right or you are right doesn't matter. You think your boyfriend is a fool and a mug. Why would you date a fool? I wouldn't.

Bananalanacake · 03/11/2019 20:10

If you don't live with your boyfriend and therefore don't have joint finances why do you care, he could spend it on a Ferrari and it would be nothing to do with you.

Ginger1982 · 03/11/2019 20:10

It's not your money, why do you care?

Itsallpetetong · 03/11/2019 20:11

What should I tell my BF to do about it

Nothing. It’s his money so his choice.

Thingsdogetbetter · 03/11/2019 20:12

Exactly. HIS money. HIS money to give to HIS scrounging brother if HE so wishes. Except you say it leaves 'us' short. Which suggests you consider HIS money should be for you both. Which suggests to me you are annoyed because you think the money he gave/lent his brother should have been spent on YOU.

While I do agree, from your side of the story, that his brother does seem to take the piss financially it's still none of your business. You need to learn to live with the fact he is probably fully aware that his brother's a bit of a piss taker and he doesn't care. His money, his choice to have the piss taken out of himself.

Your repeated posts don't come across like you want to protect your bf, as much as you want to control the direction his money goes - towards brother bad, towards you good.

sweeneytoddsrazor · 03/11/2019 20:14

Oh you haven't popped up for a while. You will get the same response as you have on all your other threads. Its not your money, you dont have joint finances and he is happy doing it. So butt out.

bluegreygreen · 03/11/2019 20:16

I told him not to do it and it wouldn't be a good idea

What should I tell my BF to do about it

i'm not trying to tell my BF what to do with his money
Yes you are - see above

I asked why he thought it was appropriate to give him money and he said "because he's my brother"
You now have a very clear answer as to why your BF gives his brother money - he's family. You can decide to deal with that, or have a row every time. Your BF is an adult who does not share finances with you, so this is not depriving you. He has every right to use his money as he pleases.
For your own sake, please don't have rows about Christmas presents this year. At some point your BF is going to get fed up.

MsPavlichenko · 03/11/2019 20:18

Back again! You're a legend. It is none of your business. Even if you are correct.

I am astonished you are still together. Your boy friend must have the patience of a Saint.