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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

BF is getting walked all over again. Won't stand up for himself.

125 replies

HolidayTroubles · 03/11/2019 19:24

Been told before in other posts that IABU regarding the scrounger my BFs brother but I want to get an opinion on this as I genuinely think I'm not being unreasonable about this:

My BF told me earlier today he gave his brother two hundred pound to go on holiday with (going on wednesday) even though he already has spending money to go with and the other spending money his brother had saved up, he has spent on stuff for the upcoming holiday like new clothes and other things including airpods, so not just practical things for holiday but stuff that he wanted anyway (yes, he would use his airpods on holiday to listen to music but they weren't just for the holiday but just because he wanted to have them). But he sees nothing wrong with giving him money to spend, simply because his brother asked if he could borrow money for his holiday and he would pay him back when he got back (even though he blatantly won't). I asked why he thought it was appropriate to give him money and he said "because he's my brother". And that was it.

I don't begrudge him having a good time but why give him money to spend out there when he has already spent all his 'out there' money here beforehand? Because he knew that my BF would supplement what he spent before he went out of my BFs own bank account, that's why. I told my BF he is getting the absolute piss taken out of him but he doesn't believe it or just doesn't mind or seem to care. I told him not to do it and it wouldn't be a good idea but he didn't listen and now we are £200 lighter and his brother is laughing at us (not literally but that's how it comes ascross). Do you think this is unreasonable and my BF is a fool and a mug for falling for this? I have told him this but he's not listening to me. He's not going to get the money back, I know it and I think he knows it too and is probably embarrassed but he just did it anyway and now his brother gets a holiday with free money from us to spend on what he likes with no repurcussion. Is his brother BU? What should I tell my BF to do about it (If he will listen) or is it too likely too late now to do anything anyway? At a wits end here.

OP posts:

Shoxfordian · 04/11/2019 05:32

Its his money op
I think you're going to get the same response as before

LendAnEar · 04/11/2019 05:48

Hi OP... I don't think it's fair that your getting such a hard time here

For what it's worth I don't think YABU to be annoyed. It's obvious that your partner's brother is taking the piss however, if you don't share finances, you don't get a say in it.

It might be hard but you seriously need to consider your future with your boyfriend. He isn't likely ever going to stop giving money to his brother and this will become a huge issue when you do eventually share finances or potentially have children in the future.

I couldn't be with someone who was such a pushover and I would make that clear to him.
You either need to just accept the fact that he will regularly gift his arsehole of a brother money or make an ultimatum and leave.

Original poster

HolidayTroubles · 04/11/2019 08:47

Hi LendAnEar thanks for your reply. Breaking up is not an option as I love him. I guess I will have to put up with it which I have done but it’s just hard to take a back seat and watch when he’s being ripped off. And by his own family too. But I need to learn to just keep quiet about it even though it’s hard.

OP posts:

Original poster

HolidayTroubles · 04/11/2019 08:48

I just don’t get why he can’t see it and understand that he is being taken advantage of. I’m not trying to be controlling but I just wish he would see it

OP posts:

BertrandRussell · 04/11/2019 08:49

Why do you think he is being taken advantage of? Is he happy to give the money? Can he afford it?

Original poster

HolidayTroubles · 04/11/2019 08:53

To Bert: Yes he can afford it but it’s not the point. Maybe it’s just me But I don’t get it. He is getting taken advantage of because it’s not spending money if his brother has already spent it before he has even gone on non- holiday stuff. It is taking the piss. And to the other poster no I don’t expect the money to be spent on me instead but that’s not the point

OP posts:

BertrandRussell · 04/11/2019 08:57

Well, if he can afford it and he enjoys doing it then it really isn’t any of your business at all, is it. I’m assuming he enjoys it? My dd loves being able to sub her younger brother sometimes now she’s earning.

MzHz · 04/11/2019 08:59

Mate, because I love him is the wail of every woman stuck with a bloke who JUST ISNT GOOD ENOUGH

The only one here being made to look a mug is YOU by continually clinging onto a relationship with a man who won’t make you happy

You’re not suited. Not at all. Give yourself the best Christmas gift ever and end this.

Original poster

HolidayTroubles · 04/11/2019 09:12

We are suited in every way except this. I will just have to learn to be quiet about it but it frustrates me so much

OP posts:

BertrandRussell · 04/11/2019 09:13

You haven’t said whether your bf is happy with the situation. And you said something about him going broke- is that likely or is it hyperbole?

MatildaTheCat · 04/11/2019 09:21

OP I have a friend who is married to a man exactly like this. The difference is that they are now in their 60s. Yes, he can afford to sub his brothers but they have been tapping him for handouts, free meals, free drinks and the rest for their entire lives.

If he tries to offer non financial assistance he gets ignored.

Drives my friend mad but she, too has to shut up and ignore. It’s not even the money that’s so very annoying but the absolute disrespect they show this man.

YANBU but you won’t change him. Try to not even know about the handouts.

BertrandRussell · 04/11/2019 09:26

I have come to the conclusion that a lot of people just hate families.

anna4141 · 04/11/2019 09:26

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

midnightmisssuki · 04/11/2019 09:27

He he he. You again OP. You are a legend. And so is he for staying with you Becasue you sound like you want to control him. Yeah sorry - YABU (again). Leave him be. He’s a grown man.

MzHz · 04/11/2019 12:21

He’s ONLY a boyf.... you’re apparently posting on mumsnet about how you can’t bear to see him make his own decisions because they differ to yours.

People who are suited don’t need to post these kind of threads on mumsnet

If it’s this much trouble already, you aren’t suited.

You’re just apparently desperate to be in a relationship

He deserves better.

TowelNumber42 · 04/11/2019 13:58

Your boyfriend does not feel like he has been ripped off. He's happy. Have you put yourself in his shoes and really understood his perspective yet? If so, can you describe it?

IamtheDevilsAvocado · 04/11/2019 14:00

He's a grown up... He's making a gift to his daft brother.... It's up to him... Unless he's emptying a joint account!

itllneverfitinthecar · 04/11/2019 15:03

Ok sorry but this time i thought that i wasn't being unreasonable

But you think that every single time despite absolutely everyone telling you that you ARE unreasonable.

If you really can't stay away from posting then please try and think up something different to say - otherwise you might as well just keep ressurecting al the zillion other threads which say exactly the same thing.

TowelNumber42 · 04/11/2019 15:40

It doesn't matter whether everyone else on the planet agrees with you.

What does matter is that your boyfriend is making decisions that drive you crazy and you can't get past it.

It seems to me you know you really can't get past it and you know that means the relationship is doomed. You don't want it to be doomed so you keep coming back asking people to help you change your boyfriend's mind. Then MNers keep wondering why you are obsessed changing his mind instead of accepting the incompatibility.

Alarae · 04/11/2019 16:55

Tbh, you've made your point but YABU for continuing to harp on at your boyfriend about it if he's happy to continue doing so.

My DH gets royally taken advantage of by his brother as he is 'handy' and it means they don't have to splash out on contractors (even though they have the money). His brother doesn't help us out in return- or even at all. We don't expect him to help us out in a similar manner as he's crap at DIY, but he puts no effort in to be basic manpower.

I've said my piece about it, he even agrees, but if he continues to do so then it's on him.

Seriously OP. He gets it. He knows the consequences. He accepts them.

You don't but understand HE does. You should accept his view on the matter. Yours at the end of the day doesn't matter if you are not involved.

AlunWynsKnee · 04/11/2019 18:16

You never seem to understand that if your bf wants to give money to his little brother knowing full well that it will be frittered away on headphones or lager then it doesn't matter. It's not shared money, it doesn't leave him short. He could set fire to it. It might be a ridiculous thing to do. But he knows it and doesn't care. He doesn't need you to enlighten him.

Original poster

HolidayTroubles · 04/11/2019 20:04

But you think that every single time despite absolutely everyone telling you that you ARE unreasonable.

No. Previously i reflected and found that I was actually wrong. But I think you will find from this post that a lot of people have agreed with me on this case and have had similar experiences with their own family members.

Fine. It just aggravates me that he is getting taken advantage of and I'm trying to help but don't get anywhere or being told that there is no concerns. But I will just stay out of it from now on and not make any comments about it when it inevitably happens again. Anyway, I've told him that I hope he has a good holiday and to have a good time.

OP posts:

Butchyrestingface · 04/11/2019 20:21

We are suited in every way except this. I will just have to learn to be quiet about it but it frustrates me so much

You are fundamentally incompatible and no matter how many variations of this scenario you post won’t change that simple fact.

If your boyfriend has any sense, he will soon wake up to this simple fact and end it. Then you can find someone whose financial acumen is more similar to your own.

Original poster

HolidayTroubles · 05/11/2019 01:39

did you even read the thread entirely betchyrustingface?

OP posts:

Original poster

HolidayTroubles · 05/11/2019 01:39

Butchyrestingface**

OP posts:

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