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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

BF is getting walked all over again. Won't stand up for himself.

125 replies

HolidayTroubles · 03/11/2019 19:24

Been told before in other posts that IABU regarding the scrounger my BFs brother but I want to get an opinion on this as I genuinely think I'm not being unreasonable about this:

My BF told me earlier today he gave his brother two hundred pound to go on holiday with (going on wednesday) even though he already has spending money to go with and the other spending money his brother had saved up, he has spent on stuff for the upcoming holiday like new clothes and other things including airpods, so not just practical things for holiday but stuff that he wanted anyway (yes, he would use his airpods on holiday to listen to music but they weren't just for the holiday but just because he wanted to have them). But he sees nothing wrong with giving him money to spend, simply because his brother asked if he could borrow money for his holiday and he would pay him back when he got back (even though he blatantly won't). I asked why he thought it was appropriate to give him money and he said "because he's my brother". And that was it.

I don't begrudge him having a good time but why give him money to spend out there when he has already spent all his 'out there' money here beforehand? Because he knew that my BF would supplement what he spent before he went out of my BFs own bank account, that's why. I told my BF he is getting the absolute piss taken out of him but he doesn't believe it or just doesn't mind or seem to care. I told him not to do it and it wouldn't be a good idea but he didn't listen and now we are £200 lighter and his brother is laughing at us (not literally but that's how it comes ascross). Do you think this is unreasonable and my BF is a fool and a mug for falling for this? I have told him this but he's not listening to me. He's not going to get the money back, I know it and I think he knows it too and is probably embarrassed but he just did it anyway and now his brother gets a holiday with free money from us to spend on what he likes with no repurcussion. Is his brother BU? What should I tell my BF to do about it (If he will listen) or is it too likely too late now to do anything anyway? At a wits end here.

OP posts:

DrunkUnicorn · 05/11/2019 02:02

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

feistymumma · 05/11/2019 02:06

YABU, if that is what he wants to do then he should. Why are you policing what he should do with his money? My children regularly give each other money for no reason but just because they want to. You sound very tight OP.

PapayaCoconut · 05/11/2019 02:10

He's your boyfriend, not your husband. Du you can't do anything about it.

gobbynorthernbird · 05/11/2019 07:50

If the brother comes back with a souvenir for your boyfriend, please try not to lose your shit and throw it in the bin.

Butchyrestingface · 05/11/2019 15:36

did you even read the thread entirely betchyrustingface?

Yes. Did I miss something critical?

MyShinyWhiteTeeth · 05/11/2019 16:22

I give my time to support my family. I am involved in various charities and arranging social events. I have 3 friends that often need help.

My ex would be busy going to the cinema with friends, drinking or going to clubs. He would go to his friends and have gaming nights.

He would try to limit what I did in my spare time but would offer no alternatives (no women invited on lads night out etc); if I stopped doing what I wanted then I'd be stuck at home on my own. He just didn't like my attention not being focused on him.

We were incompatible. We should have split up and moved onto more suited partners.

Motoko · 05/11/2019 18:13

We are suited in every way except this. I will just have to learn to be quiet about it but it frustrates me so much

Finances, is one of the main reasons for relationship breakdowns. It's that important. That's why people are telling you to end it with him, because you will never be happy with him.

And, as pps have mentioned, if you get married/start living together, and have children, your relationship will get worse, because the money will most likely be coming out of the shared pot, and will affect you.

But, until then, regardless of whether we agree that his brother is taking the piss, it really is none of your business! And if you can't accept that, you should leave him, because you're not compatible in one of the most important things in a relationship, finances.

gebruikersnaam · 05/11/2019 18:48

We are suited in every way except this. I will just have to learn to be quiet about it but it frustrates me so much

This stood out for me because I could've said the same thing about my ex. We were great together albeit completely financially incompatible. Guess what? The resentment bubbled and bubbled under the surface until it finally blew up in one messy argument that cheapened and distorted every good memory I had of our entire 4 years together.

testingtesting111 · 05/11/2019 22:47

@HolidayTroubles I'm not being flippant, but finances are up there as one of the main issues that can ultimately rip a relationship apart. You either need to genuinely entirely let it go or move on.

tinyme77 · 05/11/2019 23:32

Missed the other posts but I think YANBU. If he doesn't pay him back then he is being taken for a ride. And I think that you are trying to support him not control him.

Original poster

HolidayTroubles · 06/11/2019 00:03

Missed the other posts but I think YANBU. If he doesn't pay him back then he is being taken for a ride. And I think that you are trying to support him not control him.

THANK YOU!!

OP posts:

Original poster

HolidayTroubles · 06/11/2019 00:07

I am reading other replies but don't know how to reply to multiple people: No, we are not planning on having children together (at least i'm not!?!?!)

To the other poster: I'm sorry that you had a blow out between money. We have blow outs between money but nothing to break up over but I just dont understand why he can't see he is basically being used as an ATM

OP posts:

rylanpop · 06/11/2019 00:15

Clearly he cares about your opinion loads....

TowelNumber42 · 06/11/2019 08:55

I just dont understand why he can't see he is basically being used as an ATM That's the thing to focus on: understand his thinking. Not with an aim of changing his mind, with an aim of changing your mind. You'll get to the truth going at it with that mentality. What you learn will let you know whether you are fundamentally mismatched on your values or not. The sooner you know the sooner you can be either no longer frustrated with him or the sooner you can move on.

Bluntness100 · 06/11/2019 08:59

I don't understand why you keep posting this over and over again. You don't want your bf to give his brother money, we get it. You keep getting the same answers. It's his money and his decision. You don't have joint finances.

I'm not sure what you expect by keeping posting every time he gives him money and stating this time you're not being unreasonable.

Downwiththatsortofthing252 · 06/11/2019 09:10

YABVU to think that you can change a person. Your bf is doing something that makes him happy, he likes to give money to his brother.

You said he can afford it. Great, so while the brother is probably being a CF at least it's not putting your bf into debt or anything.

Did they have a tough upbringing, or is the brother much younger? That might be the reason for it.

I would tell you to leave the relationship, (even if you do love him), your bf is not listening to you on this, and you are not listening to him. Finance is a big issue, what if in future you disagreed on another fundamental issue? And then another, and another? A PP is right, that resentment can start and keep bubbling away until you no longer love him but will have wasted years on the relationship.

OldEvilOwl · 06/11/2019 09:16

It's got nothing to do with you, it's his money to spend/give as he likes

DeathStare · 06/11/2019 09:17

@HolidayTroubles

Is your boyfriend an adult of reasonable intelligence? If so then he probably knows that he is never going to get the money back (though he may not acknowledge this to you given your attitude about it) and still chooses to give him the money anyway. In a way he's gifting it. That's his CHOICE.

If this somehow impinges directly on you (if - for example - your boyfriend then asks to borrow money off you to pay his own bills) then you have a right to have a say in it. If not then you don't.

How would you feel if your boyfriend had a go at you any time you spent £200 (that didn't impinge on him!) on a new coat, or theatre tickets, or whatever? He chooses to spend HIS money on his brother. And that's none of your business.

And yes - trying to stop him spending his own money how he chooses, is very controlling.

FlaviaAlbia · 06/11/2019 09:25

You told your boyfriend he looks like a wanker for giving his brother money and previously threw a gift his brother gave him in the bin?

Wow. I see you said you love him but love is actions not words and it doesn't look like you even like him based on yours.

Original poster

HolidayTroubles · 06/11/2019 12:54

"You told your boyfriend he looks like a wanker for giving his brother money and previously threw a gift his brother gave him in the bin?"

It was a gift to both of us and I acknowledged that I was wrong and petty and bought the same gift again as an apology.

"Wow. I see you said you love him but love is actions not words and it doesn't look like you even like him based on yours."

I like him a lot, thanks. Which is why I'm trying to look out for him. But I see that I'm BU, again. I just don't understand how trying to help someone is considered BU.

OP posts:

EmeraldShamrock · 06/11/2019 13:04

I just don't understand how trying to help someone is considered BU
Because it is unhelpful to him. He rounds like he doesn't like confrontation.
Does he try to please? He is probably trying to please all of you.
Unless it financially impacts your relationship, let him be, he will learn eventually.
There is nearly only this type in a family dynamic a giver and a taker.
His brother probably supports him in other ways.
Leave him in peace. 🤐

myrtleWilson · 06/11/2019 13:13

You say you've reflected but fundamentally you haven't as each of your postings has the same core elements and I'm afraid with others I do think you're trying to control your bf not support him.

StreetwiseHercules · 06/11/2019 13:17

“ I told him not to do it and it wouldn't be a good idea but he didn't listen and now we are £200 lighter”

Interesting juxtaposition of “I” and “we” here.

I would suggest you mind your own business and stop trying to control your boyfriend.

Bluntness100 · 06/11/2019 14:22

Op, he doesn't want you to "look out" for him in this manner. And you call it looking out. Everyone else calls it controlling. If you cared about him you'd stop forcing your unwelcome thoughts down his throat. And pretending it's done from a good place.

Seriously. I'm not sure how many threads you need to start about this. Or how many hundreds of people need to constantly tell you. It's his money. It's his brother. It's nothing to do with you.

MsPavlichenko · 06/11/2019 14:49

Help is what people ask for and receive gratefully. He doesn't need or want help.

Again you might be correct but so what? He'll get sick of this at some point. Believe me.

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