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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

BF is getting walked all over again. Won't stand up for himself.

125 replies

HolidayTroubles · 03/11/2019 19:24

Been told before in other posts that IABU regarding the scrounger my BFs brother but I want to get an opinion on this as I genuinely think I'm not being unreasonable about this:

My BF told me earlier today he gave his brother two hundred pound to go on holiday with (going on wednesday) even though he already has spending money to go with and the other spending money his brother had saved up, he has spent on stuff for the upcoming holiday like new clothes and other things including airpods, so not just practical things for holiday but stuff that he wanted anyway (yes, he would use his airpods on holiday to listen to music but they weren't just for the holiday but just because he wanted to have them). But he sees nothing wrong with giving him money to spend, simply because his brother asked if he could borrow money for his holiday and he would pay him back when he got back (even though he blatantly won't). I asked why he thought it was appropriate to give him money and he said "because he's my brother". And that was it.

I don't begrudge him having a good time but why give him money to spend out there when he has already spent all his 'out there' money here beforehand? Because he knew that my BF would supplement what he spent before he went out of my BFs own bank account, that's why. I told my BF he is getting the absolute piss taken out of him but he doesn't believe it or just doesn't mind or seem to care. I told him not to do it and it wouldn't be a good idea but he didn't listen and now we are £200 lighter and his brother is laughing at us (not literally but that's how it comes ascross). Do you think this is unreasonable and my BF is a fool and a mug for falling for this? I have told him this but he's not listening to me. He's not going to get the money back, I know it and I think he knows it too and is probably embarrassed but he just did it anyway and now his brother gets a holiday with free money from us to spend on what he likes with no repurcussion. Is his brother BU? What should I tell my BF to do about it (If he will listen) or is it too likely too late now to do anything anyway? At a wits end here.

OP posts:
cpl24805254 · 03/11/2019 20:18

roses?

sweeneytoddsrazor · 03/11/2019 20:20

@bluegreygreen You just know the chocolates will end up in the bin

areyouafraidofthedark · 03/11/2019 20:22

I remember your previous posts. If you want to stay in a relationship with this man then I suggest you tell him not to tell you when he is giving money to his brother. This is still getting to you so what you don't know won't hurt you.

Bellringer · 03/11/2019 20:23

I give my sibling money, I have more than they do. I might give some to my partner if I feel like it, or to charity. Why is it your problem

1Morewineplease · 03/11/2019 20:35

Judging from previous posts... you have a problem with how your BF spends his money. Unless you are in a committed joint financial relationship then your BF can do as he pleases with his money. Regardless of whether you believe his brother to be a CF.
It’s nothing to do with you now.

YabaDabaBoo · 03/11/2019 20:39

As others have said, non of your business. You come across as very jealous of his relationship with his brother. You mention he’s being made to look like a mug but the only one who thinks that is you. Everyone else is cool with it

testingtesting111 · 03/11/2019 20:40

Op, if you're the poster I think you are, you write the same thing every few months and keep getting the same response.

Unless your finances are now joint and you're supplementing your BF he can do what he pleases with his own money. The fact you don't like it is irrelevant at this stage.

If I were you and this was such an issue / dealbreaker I'd move on. All this anger / sniping must be exhausting.

LEELULUMPKIN · 03/11/2019 20:41

Oh God not you AGAIN!!

How many times do you have to be told that it's none of your business.

You are right though that he is allowing himself to be walked over.

By you.

TabithasMumCaroline · 03/11/2019 20:47

Aw I think that’s lovely. I used to give dsis money for specific stuff too - it was great that I could afford to and gave her a treat.
You sound a bit unhinged. How come your bf has to do what you want, and not what he wants? Sounds a bit control-freaky. I’d be running a mile if dh started dictating whether or not I could give my family gifts, monetary or otherwise...

TabithasMumCaroline · 03/11/2019 20:50

I’m laughing at your title though. It’s very ironic, given that bf is actually standing up for himself just fine and refusing to be walked all over - by you. Grin
Or is that the problem? You want him to do exactly what you say, when you say it, and he isn’t allowed to make any decisions without you telling him what he’s supposed to be deciding? To allow you to walk all over him?
Bahahaha.

Merryoldgoat · 03/11/2019 20:52

Do you live together and have joint finances?

If you do it’s reasonable to have a say in how it’s spent.

If you don’t it’s literally none of your business.

ChicCroissant · 03/11/2019 20:56

Again, OP? Same issue gets the same response, both from you and fron MN. Time to break the cycle, either by being less controlling about someone else's money or by ending the relationship because you will never be happy with what your partner does with his own money.

Agree that your definition of your BF being walked over is him not doing what you want! Bet he doesn't get 'walked over' for anything else!

jellybeans44 · 03/11/2019 21:18

Oh for fuck sake not you again. Why do you continually post the same things and not listen to the consensus that you are BU!! It's infuriating!! You are so incredibly controlling, please for your BFs sake leave him.

Original poster
HolidayTroubles · 03/11/2019 21:30

"Oh for fuck sake not you again. Why do you continually post the same things and not listen to the consensus that you are BU!! It's infuriating!! You are so incredibly controlling, please for your BFs sake leave him."

Ok sorry but this time i thought that i wasn't being unreasonable. It's hard not to see how i am given the example i gave in my OP. You all would be okay by that even though it's blatant piss taking? Fine I won't say anything then and just let my BF go broke because nobody is bothered to look out for him.

OP posts:
Ginger1982 · 03/11/2019 21:35

"Fine I won't say anything then and just let my BF go broke because nobody is bothered to look out for him."

You've told him what you think, now let it go.

jellybeans44 · 03/11/2019 21:42

" Fine I won't say anything then and just let my BF go broke because nobody is bothered to look out for him."

He's a grown man. He can make his own decisions. You pop up every couple of months with the exact same issue. If it really does bother you so much then leave him.

testingtesting111 · 03/11/2019 21:44

Op re your question, yes I would be ok with it.

Why? Because it's his money.

I understand your sentiment, but really if I were you and my boyfriend actually went broke because he was unable to manage his finances properly / was irresponsible he would be an ex long before reaching that point. I'm not a gold digger, I have a good job, but financial maturity / reliability is important to me and I wouldn't want a partner dragging me down - yes I am married and have been for quite some time.

If this is such a deal breaker to you, your option is to leave him. I would however say that I really don't see anything wrong in what he is doing. He is helping a sibling out. If he can afford to do so it really is none of your business unless you're actually funding things.

jellybeans44 · 03/11/2019 21:44

"Ok sorry but this time i thought that i wasn't being unreasonable."

Also this. You never think you're being unreasonable, despite everyone telling you you are.

sweeneytoddsrazor · 03/11/2019 21:45

He wont go broke will he because if he didn't have it he wouldn't give it to him. He is happy doing it. He doesn't need you to look out for him. He is a grown man who is perfectly capable of making his own decisions. And despite you hitting the phone out of his hand,throwing chocolates in the bin and generally acting like a petulant child every time he lends his brother money he continues to do it. Which indicates he makes his own choices regardless of you. So either stop trying to dictate to him or leave him.

Thehop · 03/11/2019 21:47

He’s a grown man. Stop going on at him.

BertrandRussell · 03/11/2019 21:48

Can he afford it?

Shooturlocalmethdealer · 03/11/2019 21:57

YANBU. I would be bothered to. His brother isnt responsible but he knows who is. He will continue coming to your BF until your BF says no. Not much you can do though. Dont share joint accounts until he can learn to say no to his brother.

MsPavlichenko · 04/11/2019 00:07

Read what we are saying. You might be correct. His brother might be taking advantage.

But. Again. It is his choice not your own. If it is so big an issue then move on. I really don't think you are compatible.

lyralalala · 04/11/2019 01:57

Ok sorry but this time i thought that i wasn't being unreasonable. It's hard not to see how i am given the example i gave in my OP. You all would be okay by that even though it's blatant piss taking? Fine I won't say anything then and just let my BF go broke because nobody is bothered to look out for him.

It doesn’t matter if you think it’s piss taking, or if the whole of mumsnet thinks it’s piss taking, your BF has told you, repeatedly, that he doesn’t and he is happy with the situation.

Your Bf has no issues standing up for himself as he repeatedly does so to you. You disagree. That’s fine, but you need to accept it or walk away rather than repeatedly trying to bully an adult man into doing things the way you want him to do them

QueenofPain · 04/11/2019 02:26

Are you an only child OP? Or have siblings that you really can’t stand?

Maybe that’s why you can’t get your head round your boyfriend just being kind to his sibling for the sake of it?!

Sometimes I just randomly give my brothers some money if it’s floating round in my bag, because they’re young lads in their very early twenties and a random £20 note that they weren’t expecting can make their entire weekend. I’ve been known to drop them a surprise KFC round when I know they’re hungover and can’t be bothered to go anywhere and various other things. I just want them to know that they’re loved and that I think about them. I had another brother who died a couple of years ago and I’d love the opportunity to give him £200 for some AirPods or whatever else he wanted to spend it on.

I think you need to stop making this about you, just because you don’t like his brother, or his families attitudes to money. He loves his sibling and he doesn’t care what he spends his money on, he just wants him to be happy.